


Those Who Trust

by theshyauthor



Series: Those Who Trust [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Angst, Dom/sub, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of self-harm, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Slow Build, Smut, Trust Issues, dom!Phil, sub!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 18:08:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 41
Words: 136,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4676297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshyauthor/pseuds/theshyauthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan used to be a submissive and now he’s just a broken shell of a man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Those Who Trust](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9557552) by [silencelikeawhisper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silencelikeawhisper/pseuds/silencelikeawhisper)



> Prompt taken from phanfic.tumblr.com: Dan is a sub with bad past experiences that doesn't trust doms anymore. A friend drags him along to a BDSM club against his will where he meets Phil, the older and mysterious dom that scares Dan. Phil however is a real sweetheart that wants to take Dan out on dates and show him that he can be trusted as a dom during scenes.

Dan wasn’t sure if it was the bass of the music or his frantic heartbeat that made the blood in his veins vibrate. He had lost PJ in the crowd of bodies minutes ago. PJ, who was the reason that Dan was now stuck at a BDSM club, the last place he ever wanted to be at ever again. The club was packed with people, the music too loud for his liking and if he really concentrated on it, Dan could hear the sound of whips coming down on human skin. He wanted to ignore that noise, but the more he tried the more prominent it seemed to become.

The Dungeon club was London’s most popular BDSM nightclub. Located in the heart of the city, it was a place with a very good reputation in the international BDSM scene. Despite its name, the dungeon looked like any other nightclub with the additional St. Andrew’s crosses, cages and a stage that offered shows on special days. There was a dancefloor and a hallway that led to the private rooms for playtime, should the playing area be too public. Safety was important at the Dungeon. Dungeon monitors always roamed the area. Alcohol and any kind of drugs as well as smoking were forbidden inside the club to offer both submissive and dominant a safe space for playing and giving consent.

Spotting a Dungeon monitor standing at the bar, Dan made his way over there with his eyes turned to the ground. He knew that people were staring at him and probably whispering behind his back. After some shoulder bumping and jostling with strangers, Dan came to a halt in front of the bar. The tall man wearing a brightly glowing orange safety west that identified him as Dungeon monitor briefly smiled at him before turning back to the person he was having a conversation with. A walkie-talkie and an orange satchel filled with safety supplies were attached to his belt.

One of the barkeepers, a girl with fire-red hair that was bouncing in locks from her shoulders, came over to take Dan’s order. Alcohol wasn’t sold at the club, the only thing that could really calm Dan down at the moment, and so he settled for some water, requesting a still closed bottle. He could feel the curious glances of the barkeeper. He knew her from his time as a regular at the club. She was friendly and looked good in leather, but as far as Dan knew she wasn’t into the scene. Dan gave her the money and thanked her quietly when she handed him the bottle, too quiet for her to hear. He turned around, his back pressed against the bar now and scanned the crowd in the hopes of finding PJ again, avoiding looking to the St. Andrew’s crosses and cages. With unease he realized that the Dungeon monitor had left his place next to Dan and he drew up his shoulders a bit further, hunched over and tried to make himself a smaller visible target.

Even if Dan wasn’t freakishly tall he knew that he would draw enough attention with his simple clothing. His black jeans, black t-shirt and grey cardigan were a stark contrast to the latex and leather that most people around him wore. He looked like a newbie, someone who accidently went into this club and couldn’t find his way out anymore.

With shaking hands Dan opened the bottle of water. His palms were wet and he didn’t know if it was because he was sweating or because of the condensed water on the bottle. He took a small sip and felt the cool liquid run down his dry throat, his eyes still roaming over the dancefloor in hopes of finding PJ. He was the one that brought Dan here tonight and he was also the one holding the keys to the car that would bring Dan home at the end of this night. Dan screwed the cap on his bottle again, unsure what to do or where to go now. He didn’t want to get on the dancefloor as there were too many people there already and he also didn’t want to venture to the darker side of the room, the one that held the St. Andrew’s crosses and cages, the swings and the chains and the corridor that led to the private rooms. All options considered, Dan thought that maybe going back to the entrance room, the one with blue and pink neon lights and the security guards and the lockers and attached changing rooms for switching into other outfits was the best place to be for him at the moment.

Pushing through more people, the bottle of water still tightly clasped in his hands and his eyes mostly lowered to the floor, Dan abruptly stopped when a pair of black shoes and sinfully tight leather pants crossed his way.

“You look like you could need some fun. I can help you with that”, a deep voice said over the loudness of the music.

Dan looked up at a person almost as tall as him and stumbled back in surprise, knocking into someone behind him. He could hear the person behind him swear, but his throat was too clogged up to bring out words of apology and his attention was fixed on the man in front of him. His eyes quickly roamed over a pale face with sharp cheekbones and an ebony-coloured fringe that nearly hid the blue – was it blue? The colour was hard to make out under the brightly-coloured lights of the club- eyes.

Dan lowered his eyes to the ground again and his breath hitched as he moved to his left to walk by the stranger and noticed that the man mirrored his movement and cut off his escape route. Dan could see the chain-wristband wrapped around the man’s left wrist, a sign of the club that identified the man as a dominant.

“You must be new here, because clearly you are not very disciplined. When someone talks to you, you don’t ignore them. I could teach you a thing or two if you want to.”

Dan heard the words but the only one that stuck with him was discipline. He swallowed harshly. “I’m not interested, but thank you.” His words were quiet but he hoped that they were loud enough to be heard by the dominant.

A hand on his shoulder made Dan jump but then he heard the familiar voice of PJ and tears of relief burned behind his eyelids.

“Leave him alone”, the other man growled in a voice that Dan had never heard PJ use before. His friend was a submissive, just like Dan used to be, and usually soft-spoken and gentle.

“What are you, his watchdog?” the dominant asked amused.

“I’m the one that tells you to back the fuck off. Come on, we’re leaving.” The last sentence he directed to Dan, but Dan wasn’t even listening anymore. He just felt a palm pushing against his right shoulder blade and guiding him through people that parted for them to walk through.

In the entrance hall the touch left his back and Dan blinked, only now realizing where he was.

“It’s alright, Dan. Let me just get changed real quick and then we’ll be out of here.”

Minutes later the cold air of a night in the middle of March hit Dan’s skin and raised goose bumps on his arms. He let PJ guide him to his car and slid into the passenger seat without complaining. PJ was apologizing to him over and over again for losing him out of sight while he drove them back to his flat, but Dan didn’t listen. The only words he could hear in his mind were not very disciplined and I could teach you a thing or two. Those dreaded words made him shiver. PJ turned the heat up in the car when he noticed, although he knew it wasn’t the cold that made his friend shake in the passenger seat.

___

Phil rolled his shoulders and winced at the cracking sound the movement caused. He watched as the last parents led their children out of the room. Gladis, the woman with white hair that always had the Wednesday evening shift, already started stacking up stools.

“Gladis, I told you enough times to leave tidying up to me”, he said into the silence of the room and grabbed the chair that was nearest to him.

The old lady smiled at him. “Thank you, Phil”, and scurried away. She had enough work to do with cataloguing books and helping customers as well as keeping an eye on the place, because many kids these days didn’t seem to understand that a library was supposed to be a quiet place.

Phil’s head hurt and he sighed as he stacked one chair onto the other and lined them up neatly by the wall, leaving them there until they would be required for next week’s meeting. It had been an exhausting day at work and his boss had been in a bad mood, letting it all out on him. He was tired and couldn’t wait to get home and slip under the covers of his bed after watching some more TV.

He left the children’s section of the smaller library. The main hall, filled with tall modern bookshelves and providing tables and stools that were quite uncomfortable to sit in, was nearly empty. A woman was browsing through the shelves, seemingly looking for nothing in particular. What looked to be a university student was frantically searching through a shelve on the other side of the library and Phil watched as Gladis made her way from the help desk over to her to offer help. A man with red hair and a bowl cut was leaning over a book on one of the tables and taking notes, his hand flying over the paper so fast that Phil thought that his handwriting must be unreadable. The last person in the room was a brown-haired boy who was also leaning over a book on a table on the other side of the room, but instead of taking notes his eyes roamed over the page of a book as he chewed on the end of his pen.

Phil did a double-take. The young man chewing the pen looked oddly familiar to him, but he couldn’t remember where he had seen him before. Phil watched as the stranger moved his left arm and took a water bottle out of his backpack. With that object the specific memories kept coming back from last Friday night at the Dungeon about a man with a water bottle in his hands and a pretty face and his friend the watchdog. What even were the odds of meeting the man ever again, let alone at the library Phil visited once a week every Wednesday?

The young man was beautiful. He had chestnut-coloured hair and Phil still remembered the details of his face from the club. He was quite tall and wearing a small leather bracelet around his right arm that had been provided by the Dungeon to identify him as a submissive. His clothes had clearly screamed that he was new to the scene. No piece of leather covering his skin, no dark eyeliner or other type of make-up showed that he had no experience with the crowd he had surrounded himself with. His friend however, the watchdog, hadn’t worn a shirt and only leather pants, which meant that he must have been part of the scene. Phil hadn’t seen him at the Dungeon before and wondered if he was the reason why the beautiful man had gone there.

Showing newcomers the world of BDSM was one of Phil’s favourite things to do as a dominant. The hesitant looks but also the trust that they showed him by agreeing to let him tie them up, giving themselves to him fully for the first time; it was a type of power to hold that could easily be abused. Phil prided himself in the fact that all the submissives he introduced to the scene for the first time had enjoyed their time together and often returned for more. He would have loved to show this brown-haired and wide-eyed young man a good time. He looked like he would be a vocal one and Phil shifted at the thought of that, trying to hide the hardening bulge in his jeans that the pure thought gave him. Within seconds he made a decision and with long strides bridged the distance between him and the stranger.

“Didn’t think I’d see you ever again”, he whispered in the quiet of the library.

In front of him, sitting by the table, the young man’s head shot up in surprise and he let go of his pen, which fell to the wooden surface of the dark table noisily. Phil could see the gears in his head turn as he looked up and when it finally clicked, the man’s breath hitched noticeably.

Phil was used to this type of reaction when meeting someone in public that he had met at a BDSM club before. Often they would blush heavily, refuse to meet his eyes and try to get out of the conversation that Phil tried to have with them as quickly as possible. They felt embarrassed by what they liked and wanted to cut ties with the kind of life they led after darkness had fallen over the city. This particular stranger seemed to be no different. His mouth opened and closed but no words came out.

“You know the offer to teach you in the art of submissiveness still stands”, Phil went on in a low voice, the one he used when chaining people to the wall to have some fun with them. His posture changed from slightly slouched over to perfectly straight, a transition he went through whenever he slipped into the role of the dominant that lied within him and came out so naturally if he allowed it.

He did not expect the reaction that he received. The stranger grabbed his notepad, pen and bottle and through them in his backpack. He stood up from his stool and it screeched on the grey linoleum floor.

“Leave me alone!” he snapped. “I don’t want anything to do with that disgusting lifestyle of yours.”

Now this right here, this was what Phil hated the most. He understood that people might have problems understanding the scene he was a part of, but coming to a club and then talking bad about it was something he would not accept.

“Listen up you little shit”, Phil growled and took a step forward. They were face to face now and the few other people in the room lifted their heads to watch the scene, except for the man whose wrist had to fall off soon from all the words he wrote down. “You came into my scene on your own free will and it is okay if you didn’t enjoy it, but do not talk bad about BDSM. It’s a lifestyle, one you will never understand but if I ever hear you say one bad word about it ever again, I will lock you into a cage and teach you discipline.”

Of course Phil would never do that, not without consent from the other person involved at least, but he did not take having his lifestyle called disgusting well. “Do you understand?”

Eyes wide as saucers, the brown-haired stranger took a step back.

“Is everything okay here?” Gladis walked over to them with a worried expression on her face.

Phil turned to her and plastered a smile on his lips. “Yes, everything’s fine Gladis. I cleaned up the children’s area and was just on my way out. See you soon.” He looked back at the stranger one more time with a look that could kill, before leaving the library quickly. His headache was still strong and he really needed a good cup of tea.


	2. Chapter 2

PJ looked around the club, his fingers playing with the leather bracelet around his wrist. He didn’t feel like submitting tonight but he still wanted to come. It had been so long since he had been to the Dungeon before last week, entire months that Dan had asked him not to go and his girlfriend was frustrated with him, because when PJ could not live out his fantasy of being dominated for a while, he would become unfocused quickly and a real pain in the ass, according to her. It was a not so common relationship that the both of them had. During weekdays they would be the normal couple from next door, but on Friday nights she would press a kiss to PJ’s lips and send him off to the Dungeon to live out his fantasies. It was unorthodox but it worked and they’ve been happily dating for three years now.

PJ sipped on a Safe Sex on the Beach cocktail and watched the crowd around him, when his eyes caught a familiar face. It was the dominant from last week, the one that had cornered Dan and ruined all of PJ’s hopes of ever bringing Dan back to the Dungeon again. They both had met in this club for the first time two years ago, when Dan had moved to London for university and was still pretty new to the scene. They had talked and PJ had given him advice on being a submissive and good dominants. Only two weeks later they had met again at university and PJ had made it his mission to befriend the boy then. A strong friendship had formed between the two of them in no time. Dan was initiated into PJ’s group of friends, but was the only one who knew about PJ’s Friday night activities. PJ was the one that really introduced Dan to the world of BDSM and that was why he felt guilty for what had happened to his friends.

It had taken PJ six months to talk Dan into joining him to come to the Dungeon again. He knew that Dan would have never set another foot in there if it wasn’t for PJ and his birthday wish. He knew that he shouldn’t have pressured the other man, but he also knew that Dan did enjoy being dominated those times that he had been with a responsible dominant. And maybe he had also hoped to get the old Dan back, or at least some parts of him. The old Dan had been loud, always had a joke ready and was adventurous. The new Dan, however, barely left his dorm room, he talked in a quiet voice and only when he was directly addressed and he was always very aware of his surroundings, jumping at his own shadow. Bringing Dan back to the Dungeon had been a desperate attempt to have his old friend back and when the night had ended, he had regretted having this idea in the first place when he brought a shaking Dan back to his and his girlfriend’s flat and woke up from the screams of his night terrors.

Now PJ was watching the dominant from last week with hawk-eyes. He was talking to a submissive and trying to lure him in.

“Is there any particular reason that you’re staring at Phil like you want to see his head fall to the ground?”

PJ turned around to see a red-haired bartender grinning at him.

“I’m not.”

“Are you sure it’s not because he has talked to a certain brown-haired giant last week?” she asked cheekily.

“How do you know?”

She rolled her eyes. “Seriously PJ; it was the talk of the night in the staffroom.” 

“I’ve never seen this guy here before”, PJ said, hoping to get some information out of the bartender. She smirked at him while grabbing one of the wet glasses stacked on a tablet and polishing it.

“That’s because he moved from Manchester to London about four months ago. He was pretty famous in the Manchester scene, has a perfect reputation as a dominant. He’s here almost every week and submissives talk about him like he’s a god. His name’s Phil Lester, he’s twenty-eight and works for the BBC. When he moved here, the gossip about Dan had already subsided. I’m pretty sure that he has no idea about Dan and what happened to him and that he didn’t mean any harm last week. He just didn’t know better, no one warned him.”

“Dan doesn’t need to come with a warning”, PJ hissed and she held up her hands in a calming gesture. “I’m just telling you what I know about him. I’ve talked to him once or twice and he seems like a genuinely nice guy.”

PJ shot a distrustful look into the direction of Phil and the submissive he was talking to, only to catch them wander off in the direction of the private rooms.

“That’s Julian he’s taking to the rooms right now. I’ve heard Julian likes being watched by strangers.” She grinned suggestively and PJ slipped her some money. “Here’s a tip for your tip.” The bartender took the money and snorted at his words, before turning to a waiting customer.

PJ finished his cocktail and waited for a few more minutes before walking to the hallway leading to the private rooms. Those rooms were equipped with benches, crosses and cages only to name a few, as well as many toys that some even PJ didn’t know the name of or what they were supposed to do. There was also a giant couch in every playroom, right next to the door. These sofas were big and comfortable and meant to use for negotiation before the play and for the aftercare of the sub after the play. When requested by a submissive though, the sofa could also be used for people that enjoyed watching scenes. The doors to the playrooms had to stay shut during preparation, but once a dominant brought the submissive in the position wanted in for the beginning of the scene, they could open the door, an invitation for anyone to come in, sit down on the couch and watch. It was however not allowed to interact with either dominant or submissive during these scenes. At the end of the scene the onlookers had to leave the room again and the door would be closed behind them for the dominant to take proper aftercare of the submissive.

PJ didn’t enjoy intruding on scenes in private rooms. He liked watching the scenes played out in the main area of the club, but there was something so intimate about just a dominant and a submissive in a room without background noise that he never wanted to disturb. Also he had never given any dominant the permission to open the door during their play as he didn’t like the thought of strangers getting off of watching him. It made him really uncomfortable. 

The hallway leading to the private rooms was narrow and illuminated by red light only. The music of the club, the laughter and conversation could still be heard quietly. Twenty black doors lead to twenty identical rooms, ten on the left side and ten on the right side of the corridor. Slightly ajar doors signalled empty rooms- PJ could spot five of them. Closed doors signalled that the room is occupied, PJ counted twelve. And doors that were wide opened, where the handle touched the side of the wall, were an invitation to come in and watch. PJ saw three of them. 

His steps echoed through the hallway and from the inside of some rooms he could hear the familiar sounds of whips, chains and moans. The first open door PJ passed showed a submissive hanging in a swing, gagged and desperate, his skin coloured red and a dominant with no hair and wearing nothing but tight leather pants, his zipper unzipped and his penis hard and erect. PJ moved on. It was in the second room that he spotted the dominant- Phil, he reminded himself- and he entered as quietly as possible. To other people were sitting on the couch, one man and a woman, and he sat the furthest away from them. His eyes had made brief contact with the dominants and he saw the recognition light up in blue eyes, but Phil ignored him.

Julian was bound to a St. Andrew’s cross, completely naked. He had pale skin, but not as pale as Phil’s, who was topless. His back was showing to his audience, his neck was flushed red and his entire frame was shaking in anticipation. A black blindfold was tied together on the back of his head. PJ watched as Phil’s fingers ran teasingly over skin, leaving goose-bumps behind on a squirming submissive. A whip was in his other hand, his fingers closed around it tightly. They were very much in the beginning of the scene still.

“I want you to tell me your safeword again, submissive,” Phil’s voice boomed through the room and PJ was taken aback by how deep and rumbly it was. Phil brushed a strand of hair away from Julian’s forehead as the man followed the order: “Green means I want you to continue, master. Yellow stands for when I want you to slow down and red or turtle for when I want the scene to stop.”

“And when do you stop a scene?”

“I stop the scene when I feel unsafe or in danger or when I believe that my limits cannot be pushed any further. I stop the scene and do not try to endure more than I really want to."

“Good boy,” Phil praised. He held up the whip before the submissives face. “I want you to kiss the whip now for it will bring you pleasure and pain.” 

PJ watched as Julian followed the order given. After that, Phil stepped away from him. “Relax for me like the good boy you are.”

All muscles in the other man’s back seemed to relax all at once and his shoulders dropped, before the whip made contact with his skin for the first time. The contact wasn’t hard and Phil built up a steady rhythm, painting movements of the infinity sign in the air with the way he led the toy. His speed would increase and slow down again and the intensity of the whipping would also vary, making the sound of leather against skin louder and quieter again. It was obvious that the man knew exactly what he was doing with the whip in his hands, that he had a lot of experience with it already. 

Phil would check in with his submissive ever so often. PJ could see him studying Julian carefully and asking for his colour from time to time. He put the submissives pleasure before his own, always studying the other man’s body for signs of distress. When Phil started touching the other man’s buttocks, PJ decided that he had seen enough and left the room. 

___

It was about two hours later, the clock had struck three in the morning and PJ was tired. He was on his way to the bus stop and shivering slightly as the nights were still cold after a long winter. The streets were almost empty, only few people were scattered around and every few minutes a car would pass by. The man looked forward to coming home and getting into bed and press his cold feet against the warm once of his girlfriend under the blanket. He knew she would curse at him half-asleep, like she always did when he dared warming his cold toes on her hot skin.

“Do you need a ride?”

He hadn’t even realized that a black car had slowed down beside him and his first instinct was to ignore, but the familiar voice made him look up anyway. Blue eyes stared back at him questioningly and pale skin glowed even in the darkness of the night. Phil was looking out of his window. PJ scoffed. “No thanks.”

“You and your friend seem to follow me ever since last weekend.”

PJ’s head shot up at that. “What?”

“Your friend- the rude one. I met him at the library the other day and had quite the unpleasant conversation with him. He didn’t tell you?”

PJ shook his head slowly and dreaded whatever he was about to hear. Dan barely talked to him about things that happened anymore, it was no surprise that he would keep this one from him as well. He was intrigued by what he would hear and feared for the worst.

“Get in the car. I’ll tell you on the way to your home and then you can also tell me why you decided to watch me scene.” He leaned across the passenger seat and opened up the door as an invitation. “I’m Phil, by the way. Care to tell me your name?”

And for the next hour, PJ and Phil talked. Phil told him about his meeting with Dan in the library and PJ admitted to have watched Phil because he wanted to see what kind of dominant the man was and when they had arrived in front of PJ’s apartment, Phil parked the car and they continued their talk, but never lost another word about Dan after Phil’s retelling of the events on Wednesday evening.

“You should tell your friend to start respecting other peoples’ lifestyle choices,” Phil said when PJ was already halfway out of the door. 

The other man ducked down to keep eye contact. “Dan’s not the person you think he is. He didn’t say those things because he doesn’t respect what we do. I don’t want to say more about it than that, because it’s his secret to tell and not mine, but there was a time when he was actually an active part of the scene. Thanks for the ride, Phil, maybe we’ll meet again at the club.”

Phil pondered that reply as he watched PJ unlock the door and disappear into his apartment building.

___

Dan was at the library. He didn’t want to be there, but on Wednesdays his roommate always caught up with all his favourite TV shows and Dan just needed a place where he could study alone and in quiet. Quietness was not something to be encountered easily in his dorm building.

He had considered for a long time if he should go back to the library or not. Running into the stranger a second time had been more than enough for him and he didn’t want to repeat it again. But then again, what were the odds of running into the same person three times in two weeks? So Dan had packed up his things and made his way to the library.

The screen of the laptop was glowing at him mockingly. His paper was due in three days and Dan had only written three of ten pages so far, not knowing what to add anymore to the things that had already been said. He stared at the copy of Shakespeare’s Macbeth lying next to his laptop and sighed. Shakespeare was something he enjoyed immensely and when he had taken this certain topic for his assignment, the dramatic irony in Macbeth, he had had great plans for his paper. Now, however, his head seemed to be empty and the blank Word page in front of him on the laptop screen only gave him a headache. 

He wished that he had taken the importance of female characters in Macbeth as topic for this assignment, because on that topic he knew he could write five pages straight away without even thinking about it, but what was to say about the way Shakespeare used dramatic irony in this play? Page one insisted entirely of a lengthy explanation on what dramatic irony In a drama actually was, explaining in ten different ways with way too many words that it was simply the audience knowing something was about to happen to a certain character that the character themselves didn’t know yet. And Dan knew certain scenes in the play that used this technique, but he could not find the words to explain the exact usage of it and why Shakespeare- a man who knew exactly how to put every stylistic device into a piece of writing in a way to make it work perfectly- used it so many times. 

Maybe it was his surroundings that made Dan come up empty. His eyes always flitted around the room nervously as he checked his surroundings. There were significantly more people at the library today than last year and one room over, in the kids section, there was a reading of a children’s book happening. He could sometimes here the children getting excited and the parents chatting quietly among themselves, but even though all these people surrounded Dan, every single one of his muscles was tense and he sat on the edge of his seat.

Louder noises from the room over indicated that the reading had come to an end and Dan watched as parents and their little ones trickled out of the library, one after the other. Minutes passed and the sounds of chairs scratching on the floor and being stacked onto another sometimes interrupted the now otherwise completely quiet library. 

Dan didn’t hear the footsteps and he didn’t notice the shadow approaching from behind him, minutes after the last family from the reading event had left the library.

“Macbeth? That’s quite the interesting read,” a familiar voice behind him said, but not in the deep voice it talked the last time. “Come what come may, time and the hour run through the roughest day. It’s one of my favourite books, actually. Is that seat taken?”

The screeching of the seat against the floor was the loudest noise that Dan had ever experienced, but none of the other people in the room seemed to even notice it. His heart felt like it would beat through his ribcage any moment now, as the tall figure folded itself on the uncomfortable stool to his right, not daring to take his eyes of the glowing laptop screen.

“Are you writing a paper on it? What exactly is it about? Maybe I can help. Oh and by the way, my name’s Phil.”


	3. Chapter 3

Dan watched the other man warily. He was honestly confused. Only last week the man had been screaming at him and now he was introducing himself and talking to Dan as if they were old friends. Something was fishy. Where did this man’s sudden change of behaviour come from? Why would he possibly want to help Dan write a paper?

“It’s about the dramatic irony in Macbeth,” Dan said quietly before the silence between them went on for too long. He shuffled around in his chair, ducking his head under the scrutinizing eyes that were fixated on him.

“I don’t think many people agree with me when I say this, but I think the best use of dramatic irony in this work is in act one, scene six. When Duncan arrives at the castle and admires its beauty while the audience already knows it’s the very place he’s going to get killed at.”

Dan takes the used copy of Macbeth he had taken from the bookshelves earlier and goes to the scene Phil told him about, his eyes roaming over the lines. 

This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air   
Nimbly and sweetly recommends itself   
Unto our gentle senses.

“I never noticed this before,” he muttered to himself. Dan looked up at Phil, still avoiding the older man’s eyes. Instead his gaze lingered on the man’s pointed chin. “How do you know that play in so much detail?”

“I completed a degree in English Language and Linguistics at the University of York. We studied Macbeth for an entire semester. I’m guessing your studies are similar to mine?”

Dan nodded. “I’m doing my Bachelor of Arts in English at University College London.” He heard Phil whistle approvingly and ducked his head again, feeling his face heat up. “Anyway, I really need to go now. It’s late already.”

“It’s 7 p.m. Dan, that’s hardly bedtime for a student.”

Dan froze in the movement of packing his bag. He swallowed harshly. “How do you know my name?” The words tumbled out of his mouth quietly. He felt Phil lean closer to him. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. What did you say?”

Dan shot up in his chair, back straight and jaw tense. “I said how do you know my name?”

Phil opened his mouth and closed it again. He stared at Dan for a few seconds, before answering. “You told me, remember?”

But the younger man shook his head. “No, I didn’t.”

He knew that he had not told this stranger his name, he wasn’t that stupid. He didn’t give out his name unless necessary, and giving this man- this dominant- his name had never been a necessity. His fingers trembled as he closed the zip of his bag and he got up from the table, not caring to return the books he had taken back to the shelves. His priority was to get out of here and get back to his dorm room as fast as possible, because there was a stranger knowing his name, a stranger who just happened to be at the library two times when Dan was at the library as well. Dan didn’t believe in coincidence. 

Without a word but with fast steps he left the place behind, welcomed by the remaining lights of the sun. The days were slowly getting longer now and Dan appreciated not having to go home in the dark. He disliked the dark.

He walked down the pavement with quick steps. He could either take the tube or walk, his dorm wasn’t too far away from the library. It’s why he had chosen this one in particular as his studying place. Now he had to go and look for a new one. He would surely never come back to this place, not with someone, who knew his name for no reason, waiting there for him.

“Dan, wait.” There was a hand on his elbow and he shied away from the touch and slowly turned around. It was no surprise to him to see Phil standing there. He had to remind himself that he was in public. People were around him, he had no need to worry. They were out in public. Phil wouldn’t be able to hurt him here. 

Phil was out of breath from catching up to him. He was red in the face and heaved in a big breath, before talking. “I met PJ at the weekend, in the club. He’s the reason I know your name.”

Dan could feel cold shivers running down his spine as Phil mentioned the club, reminding Dan, in case he should ever forget, what Phil was and how they had met. 

I could teach you a thing or two.

PJ had talked about him. He had gone to the club on his own and talked to the second to last person on earth that he ever wanted to see again. Why would he possibly do such a thing? What would he have to say about Dan to a stranger, a dominant stranger? It didn’t make any sense. 

“How about we go for some coffee and talk about this situation?” Phil asked. He sounded too calm for Dan’s liking.

“No.”

“There’s this cute coffee shop only two minutes away from here. I’m sure you’d love it. It’s one of my favourite places in London that I have discovered so far. Let me buy you something to drink and talk about all of this. If you still want to run away after we’ve talked, I’ll make sure to never bother you again.”

Phil was persistent and that is how Dan found himself in a coffee shop that, in any other situation, would have knocked him off his feet. The furniture was old and mismatched but still fit together perfectly. Most of the coffee shop was white. Flowers were on every table and in vases standing on cupboards that were filled with old porcelain. A typewriter was in one corner of the room, the walls were covered in black and white pictures. A line ran from one side of the room to the other and had old underwear attached to it with wooden pegs. The atmosphere was charming and the drinks and food offered looked amazing, but Dan wasn’t able to stomach anything. He had refused Phil’s offer to order something to drink and now he was watching the older man stir milk into his coffee. The background noise was a comfortable mixture of quiet old music and other people’s voices. 

The only thing keeping Dan calm at the moment was the fact that he had texted PJ his current address with the plea that if he wouldn’t send him another message within an hour, PJ should come to this place and look for him. It gave him a sense of security, knowing someone was looking out for him.

“As I was already saying, I met PJ at the club last week.” Phil took note of the way Dan reacted to having that place mentioned, the way he shivered slightly. “When I think about it, it was more like he watched a scene in the private room between me and a submissive and I recognized him from the week before.” Phil paused and gave Dan a considerate look. It didn’t go unnoticed how Dan seemed to draw back even more with every word of the club that left Phil’s lips.

“When I drove home, I saw him walking down the road and offered him a ride home. That’s when we started talking. I let it slip that I met you at the library and that you showed me disrespect. The only thing he told me about you was that you didn’t mean any disrespect with your words.” Phil deliberately left out the part about Dan having been an active part of the scene. That was something he didn’t think would be received well by the other man.

“Why where you at the library?” Dan asked quietly. He wondered why Phil couldn’t have just told him those things outside the library. Right now though it was his priority to get answers to his questions and then leave this place as soon as possible.

“I volunteer at the library for the weekly reading to the kids. It’s every Wednesday from 5 p.m. to 6.30 and I’ve been doing it since three months. You can ask Gladis for confirmation. Running into you there was a coincidence.”

Phil scooted forward in his chair and ducked his head, trying to catch Dan’s eyes that were anywhere but on him. 

“I’m not the bad guy here, Dan. We just happened to have a bad start, meet at the wrong time in the wrong place, but I’d like for us to start over again.” He pulled out his wallet and took out a business card, laying it on the table before Dan. “These are my contact information, in case you ever need them. Now that I’ve said everything I wanted to say, I keep my promise. You’re free to leave, Dan, if that’s what you want to do.”

To be fair, Phil did expect Dan to leave the very minute he could, but he did not expect the student to actually take his business card with him. With a sigh he watched Dan’s retreating form through the shop window. He was sure that he’d never see the other man ever again.

__

Dan scored a B on his paper. Personally he would have rated it an A, but since it was Phil’s comment about act one, scene six of Macbeth that helped him finish his paper on time in the first place, he didn’t dare complain about it. But still, he would have totally deserved an A for the arguments he raised about Shakespeare’s use of dramatic irony in this particular play. 

He hasn’t seen Phil in three weeks. April had arrived and the weather above London was in constant change, one minute sunshine and the other rain, and the reason that Dan had not seen Phil was that he had indeed found another library for studying in peace and quiet. It’s his University’s library of all places and how did he not think of going there to study right from the beginning? Truth be told it was sometimes hard to find a free seat, but he managed and he liked the atmosphere of the place. Also his dorm was only few minutes away and reachable by walking over university ground only, something that put Dan’s mind at ease when he left the building late at night.

On a Tuesday night, however, Dan left the library before the sky could change its colour. The reason was PJ, who was organizing a game night at his and his girlfriend’s apartment and had invited Dan. He’d promised a small get together with friends, a few games, , but lots of fun and Dan was not one to deny PJ’s request. He hadn’t seen his friend in a while and couldn’t even remember when he last got together with their other friends. It’s been too long and a fun night sounded like something he could really need. So he had agreed and with his heavy bag full of books, he made his way over to PJ’s apartment.

A small get together was probably the understatement of the year. When Dan arrived at PJ’s apartment, the place was packed with people with various alcoholic beverages in their hands.

“I honestly don’t know how it happened. I only invited about ten people and the rest just showed up,” PJ said but he didn’t seem all too worried by the flood of people occupying his home. 

Dan made his way to PJ’s and his girlfriend’s bedroom. He knew the room would be empty and he needed somewhere safe to store his bag. On his way there he passed three people in the hallway who were engrossed in deep conversation about donkey shows. It was at that exact moment that he thought he should turn around and just leave. The air was heavy as no one seemed to bother with opening a window and this was not at all the nice relaxed game night with friends that Dan had envisioned. 

He found PJ’s girlfriend in their bedroom, reading a book and complaining to him about how she was tired after a long day at work but could not fall asleep from the noises that were coming from outside. Dan couldn’t decide if he’d rather like to spend his time listening to PJ’s girlfriend ranting about this and that and everything in the world or go back to where the party was happening, with lots of people and alcohol and none of the things that Dan felt remotely comfortable around. None of his choices sounded too appealing, but in the end he decided to go for the second one. PJ’s girlfriend really looked exhausted, with bags under her eyes and hidden under a thick blanket. He didn’t want to bother her too much, so he took the opportunity to leave the room with a lame excuse as soon as her rambling wore off.

The hallway smelled like sweat and cheap alcohol. It was unbearably hot. Maybe Dan should have just turned around, retrieved his bag and left the building again. But he knew that some of his friends were there, the ones he hadn’t seen in quite a while and he did want to see them again, have a nice conversation and ask how they were doing. Having a conversation with them wouldn’t be hard, but finding them in this crowded place would be the tricky thing. 

He stumbled into the kitchen first, always on the lookout but also keeping his eyes lowered just in case. Strangers tried to press cups with strange smelling liquids into his hands but he reclined, colliding with a hard chest.

Dan yelped in surprise and took a step back, ready to apologize when he looked up. The words stuck in his throat. Out of all people in the city of London, none other than Phil stood in front of him. Again. And really, how many times can you run into the same person in the most random places, before seriously wondering if you might have a stalker? Dan thought in that moment that by now, his concern about Phil following him around might be legit. 

Phil, on the other hand, did not look surprised at all. He smiled and nodded in greeting, before walking on and leaving Dan behind, confused and- yes, just confused. Phil being here made absolutely no sense. They had absolutely no mutual friends that Dan was aware of, so how in the world did the man find his way into PJ’s apartment of all places?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you happen to like my writing and want to see more of it, you can check out my tumblr (theshyauthor), where I post drabbles that will only be published there.


	4. Chapter 4

Phil was tired. He had gotten home at 2 a.m. last night after spending time at PJ's apartment and right now he really regretted it. His alarm clock was screaming at him mercilessly that it was 6 a.m. and time to get up. He turned it off and turned around in his bed, shedding the blanket from half his body in the process. It was hard to keep his eyes open and he knew that if he wouldn't get up soon, he'd fall asleep again and be late for work.

With a heavy sigh Phil got out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom. The cold water on his skin when he stood under the shower made him yelp and he turned the temperature up and rubbed his arms to avoid goose bumps while waiting for warmer water to come out of the showerhead. Phil felt like he'd been up the entire night drinking and not even the water running over his head helped him get clarity. But he had not even had any alcohol the night before; it was just the stress from work that was slowly bringing him down. PJ's invite to a small gathering of people and a night full of gaming had sounded fun and relaxing, but it turned into a huge event that was quite the contrary. As much as Phil had enjoyed his time there, in hindsight he should have just stayed at home. He and PJ had stayed in touch after Phil brought him home in his car not too long ago and they got along quite well.

He arrived at work in time and got greeted by his co-workers. Some of them were chirpy this early in the morning and others didn’t manage more than a grunt to answer Phil’s mumbled ‘Good morning’. Louise brought him a cup of coffee to his desk. It was from a machine and not from the coffeemaker, because that one was broke since two weeks now. Nonetheless, it tasted good. He thanked her and she patted his head affectionately, before leaving because of a meeting that was to happen soon. 

The coffee didn’t do much to wake Phil up. After a few sips, he rolled his shoulders and got to work. He loved his new job, he really did. Being able to change from working at a local radio station in Manchester to actually working at the BBC had been an amazing opportunity for him. His co-workers were nice, his boss was also good to work with and he liked what he was doing, but the level of stress was enormous. Phil often found himself with a headache these days and almost every day he worked overtime. Going to the Dungeon on weekends was the only form of relief he had lately. 

When he arrived at home that day, it was raining. He had forgotten his umbrella in the morning, so he was soaked to the bones and in a bad mood. Some of his co-workers had asked if he wanted to join them for a few drinks after work, but he declined, because all Phil really wanted was to go home, lay down on his couch and watch TV and fall asleep.

He dripped little droplets of water all over the carpet floor as he made his way from the entrance door to the bathroom and stripped off his clothes. The warm shower was a blessing after being wrapped up in wet clothes and his skin tingled pleasantly. After he was done, he went to the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea. The only thing that could be heard was the whistling of the kettle and the sound of London’s traffic outside Phil’s apartment combined with raindrops spattering on his windows. It was moments like this, when he was waiting for his tea to be ready or cooking dinner, when he was cleaning or washing his clothes, that Phil felt lonely in his too big apartment. He would have liked to have a cat or a rabbit maybe, but animals were forbidden in this house and he wouldn’t have enough time to look after them properly anyway. 

Sometimes Phil thought about having an actual relationship, someone who’s more than a submissive to take care of. Someone he can cuddle with at night when falling asleep and someone he could tell lame jokes, someone to turn to when he feels sad. But Phil hadn’t met that someone yet and he doubted that he ever would.   
__

Three days after PJ’s little gaming night, Dan got an invitation from PJ for another gaming night- an actual one, with not more than six people and snacks and non-alcoholic beverages. Dan agreed to come, but only because PJ was his friend and he knew that it was the man’s goal to make Dan socialize more. He also knew that PJ was filled with guilt for what happened about seven months ago and that was one of the reasons why he tried to include Dan in as many activities as possible with friends. Of course Dan thought that PJ counted him as a real friend, but they would never spend as much time together, never be as close as they actually were, if it wasn’t for PJ’s guilty conscience. 

Dan tried to tell PJ a thousand times that nothing that had happened to him in the past was PJ’s fault. He also tried to tell himself all the time that it wasn’t his own fault either, but just like PJ, he didn’t believe himself. It was the past now, there was nothing that could be changed about it and the only thing Dan could do now was look into the future. Which was easier said than done when the memories of past events still clung to him like glitter, the more he tried to rub them off the more they spread over his entire body, over everything he did. 

PJ kept his promise this time, because as Dan entered his apartment, he could only hear few voices from the living room. There was PJ’s girlfriend, five friends of PJ’s that Dan would call his acquaintances- and Phil. He had a vivid conversation with a guy named Chris and hadn’t noticed Dan yet, so the man quickly retreated from the living room into the kitchen, where PJ was making him something to drink.

“What’s Phil doing here? This is the second time I see him here.” he asked and tried to sound casual, but he knew that PJ was looking through his façade straight away.

“We’ve been talking for a while now and we get along well. I’m sorry if his presence makes you uncomfortable, but he’s a good guy. You can still leave, if you want to.”

Was this a test that PJ was putting him through? How far can you push Dan Howell before it’s too far? If yes, then PJ was honestly a shitty friend.

“Look, he and I, we really get along. He’s super creative and good to bounce ideas back and forth with. I’m sorry, I should honestly have thought about inviting him here, but it’s too late now. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“Fine, I’ll stay.”

PJ smiled at Dan’s final words and Dan wanted to slap that smile right off his face with the palm of his hand. How dare PJ smile when Dan was feeling miserable about the next few hours of his life?  
__

Dan didn’t have a terrible time. He laughed, he enjoyed spending time with people in a calm environment, but whenever Phil talked to him, he would shut down and glare at the other man. If the other people in the room caught up with his behaviour, they did not mention it. 

It was close to midnight when they decided to call it a night. It was a weekday after all, and most of them had responsibilities to go after the next morning. PJ’s girlfriend was already asleep on the couch, her head resting against his shoulder. They all helped putting away the game and Dan took on the duty of carrying the glasses- or as many as he could carry at once- back to the kitchen. He shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was when he heard footsteps behind him and turned around to find Phil following him, balancing the other two glasses and two bowls that had been filled with Doritos earlier that night.

Dan put the glasses into the dishwasher one by one. “I’d really appreciate if you stopped following me now,” he grit out through his teeth. He didn’t see Phil while he was occupied with his task but he could feel his presences looming over him and it made his skin tingle in an unpleasant way.

“Why do you really hate me this much?”

The brown-haired young man shot up from his currently bent over position. He balled his hands to fists. “Are you actually serious right now?”

Phil looked like a kicked puppy. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest at the same time in a defensive manner. He looked to the door as if to see that they were still on their own. The voices from the living room could be heard softly. “Yes.”

Dan nearly smashed the glass that was in his hand now against the kitchen counter. He took a deep breath and put it into the dishwasher, before turning to Phil. The older man was taken aback by the anger he could see in Dan’s eyes. 

“You are mental. You’ve been threatening to put me in a cage, you can’t back off when someone tells you to, I’ve encountered people like you in the scene before and trust me it did not go well.” 

Dan’s eyes welled up as he was talking, a familiar face burned bright in his memory that he wished to never see again. His voice got louder with every word and he hated the way he noticeably chocked, tried to swallow but something seemed to be stuck in his throat.

“You’re dangerous, you act like a rapist, you don’t know the meaning of personal space and I never ever want to see your face ever again!”

PJ looked around the corner and cleared his throat. Both Dan and Phil’s heads spun around in record time.

“Is everything alright in here?” he asked cautiously. 

“Everything’s fine. I’ll be going now. Tell the others I said bye, thanks for the evening PJ.” Dan walked past his friend with trembling hands. He held his head up high and didn’t dare look back. Just look straight forward, don’t trip now, grab your bag, put on your shoes, five more seconds and you’ll be out of here, you’ll be fine. 

The darkness covering the city only interrupted by few lights stood in harsh contrast to the bright lights in PJ’s kitchen, and Dan took a deep breath once he was outside. He had voiced his opinion, everything was alright now. He would just quickly make his way back to his dorm, try not to wake his roommate there and forget this night had ever happened. 

He shot up when he felt a hand on his shoulder and whirled around, nearly stumbling over his own feet, if it wasn’t for the hands steading him by holding his elbow. 

“I’m really sorry.”

Dan tried to shake the hands off him and he tried to ignore the way Phil’s voice sounded, how it cracked on the last syllable of sorry. 

“I swear I never meant you any harm. I admit that I’ve made mistakes. You’re right, I should have backed off and I’m sorry for threatening you. I just honestly don’t react well to people trying to shame my scene. But I can promise you, I’d never harm anyone, let alone you. Please Dan, I’m really sorry.”

Dan closed his eyes and turned his head away. He didn’t want to look at Phil. He’s heard these apologies before, heard promises that had been broken. When the other man finally stopped talking, Dan dared to look him in the eyes properly, for the first time since he’s met him. He was taken aback by the tears he saw shimmering in them, turning the usually cerulean eyes into the colour of a rough sea. 

“Stay out of my life, Phil.” He tried to sound as harsh as possible, scratched together the last amount of confidence that was buried in his brittle bones. The words showed an immediate effect, as Phil took not one but two steps back.

Dan turned around and walked away. His steps were quick and he didn’t dare turn back. He tried to listen for footsteps that could possibly follow him, but there was nothing. Phil had stayed behind; he had finally gotten the message. Dan felt like he could finally breathe easy again, now that the dominant was out of his life, hopefully for good.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for your comments! :)

The feeling around Dan’s wrists was familiar. The coldness. The pain. There was a feeling bubbling up in his chest, something inside him that screamed, wanted to escape. With every yank against the cuffs, the metal only dug deeper, the pain only got worse. Then there was the laugh- the familiar laugh that sent shivers down Dan’s spine and caused the hair on the back of his neck to stand up. He wanted to close his eyes, didn’t want to look, didn’t want to see, but he couldn’t. The face before him was too well known, every little detail of it he was familiar with. Lips were stretched wide, revealing pearly white teeth. It was a malicious grin. And the hands roaming Dan’s body, they were familiar too. They were big and rugged and never felt gentle, always caused him harm. He knew the pain was to come soon and he trashed in the cuffs that chained him to the wall, the cold stone behind him only digging deeper into his skin. The pain was everywhere, consuming his body from top to bottom and he screamed no, no no no no no, but no one was listening. Home. He screamed home over and over and over again, but the hands didn’t stop, the pain didn’t stop, the cuffs around his wrists didn’t disappear. There were fingers were he didn’t want fingers and it hurt when they touched him, they never asked for permission anymore. He wasn’t sure how many days he’s been here, but the pain never lessened and the hands never stopped and the grin only got bigger when he screamed home, screamed it so loud that his voice was hoarse.

Dan shot up. There was a hand on his shoulder and he tried to swat it off. His entire body was covered in cold sweat and he shivered, although the temperature in the room was hot.

“Dan, can you hear me? It’s alright, it was only a bad dream.”

PJ. He was kneeling on the floor beside the couch Dan had been asleep on with concern etched all over his face. Slowly his eyes adjusted to the darkness and he remembered his surroundings, remembered where he was and why he was here. A cold glass was pressed into his hands and he drank the water offered voraciously. When he had calmed down from his nightmare, comforted by PJ’s voice, his friend had told him to try to go back to sleep for another few hours before returning to bed himself. 

Dan couldn’t close his eyes. He was scared that the images of his dream would return again. They didn’t happen too often anymore, the nightmares, but when they did, they left him shaken up, unable to fall asleep for days, until his body would knock itself out and take back what was refused.

It was 4 a.m. and Dan was wide awake on the couch in PJ’s living room. He knew that the sun would rise soon and the weather forecast had predicted another hot August day. 

Dan had been living at PJ’s and his girlfriend’s place for a few weeks now, since the end of the university semester. He had contemplated staying at the dorm rooms, but decided against it as he thought it was time to finally find a place to call home for longer than a few months. The only problem was that in London that was quite a difficult thing to do. The rent was enormous and the apartments often looked worse than a pig stall. There was blood on the carpet floors or the pipes were rattling loudly. He had given up on finding a place to call his own pretty quickly. It was impossible to find an apartment without a flatmate, and that was his next problem. All the people he had met so far and whose flats he had looked at, turned out to make him really uncomfortable or were absolutely nuts. Time was ticking, university was going to start up again soon and he knew that PJ and his girlfriend- as much as they liked him- were already annoyed by his presence. 

Dan and PJ left the apartment at ten in the morning, PJ well rested, Dan without having closed his eyes even once after the nightmare. He was tired and in a bad mood. PJ was his assistant in finding a new place to stay, no matter where he went he had his friend with him for feeling safe and secure. The apartment they were looking at today was located in one of the nicer parts of London, not too far away from the University College London. Dan had found the annunciation for it online, the pictures of the place looked promising and it came with a flatmate who stated that he had an empty room left and would enjoy the company of someone else. Dan had contacted the man via mail and he had seemed nice enough. The place had looked promising online and if Dan was lucky, he was returning to PJ’s apartment with a place to call his own.

Dan liked the neighbourhood. It had taken them approximately thirty-three minutes from PJ’s place to the address of the apartment they were to have a look at. Trees were littering the streets and the sun was shining, giving the surroundings a welcoming vibe. People were strolling down the pavement and looking into the windows of cute little shops or coming out of comfortable looking coffee shops. It was a feel-good neighbourhood; a place Dan would gladly call his home. 

Few steps led up to the entrance door of the address given to Dan. He was about to ring the doorbell, when his finger froze over the button as his eyes spotted the name on the plate next to the house number.

Phil Lester

Surely not. This had to be a bad joke. It was simply impossible.

“Is everything alright?” PJ asked from behind Dan. He leaned forward to see for himself. “No way.”

This was a coincidence. There must be more people living in London with the name Phil Lester. Dan hadn’t seen the man since April, that faithful night when he had ordered him to stay the fuck away. Phil had listened. He had apparently even changed his phone number, for as PJ tried to call him about what had happened between Dan and him the next afternoon, his number was out of order. 

“What do you want to do now?” PJ asked. 

Dan shrugged his shoulders, because honestly he had no idea. “Do you actually think it’s him?”

“It’s honestly up to you to find that out. I’m not making you ring that doorbell if you don’t want to.”

The brown-haired boy stared at the doorbell some more. His finger was still hovering over the button, ready to press. Did he want to do this? The apartment had looked perfect on the pictures and maybe it really wasn’t the Phil Lester living in there that he had happily avoided the last months of his life. There were too many thoughts in Dan’s head all at once and before he even realized it, he had ringed the doorbell. For a moment he wanted to turn around and run away, but PJ was right behind him and honestly it was time to man up and stop running away from all possible threats in his-

Dan never got to finish the thought as the door opened and in front of him stood a man with pale skin and black hair, and Dan was face to face again with Phil Lester and his stupidly beautiful blue eyes, mouth agape as he was looking at the friends in front of him in surprise.

“We’re here to look at your apartment.” PJ said from behind Dan, after seconds of both man just staring at each other in silence. “So unless Dan has changed his mind, won’t you invite us in?”

Dan was ready to bolt, but Phil nodded and opened the front door further, and instead of changing direction, Dan took a few steps inside. Phil led them up a few staircases before standing in front of the door to his apartment. No one said a word, only PJ whistled quietly as he followed after Dan. 

Phil seemed to get over the initial shock quickly. He showed the friends around the apartment, gave them all kind of details and at the end of the tour, offered them tea or coffee. Dan wanted to decline, but PJ happily agreed and so they found themselves on a black couch in a nice-looking lounge that came with a fire place. Dan was surprised to find the love of detail that Phil had put into this place and the amount of nerdy stuff the older man had lying around. The white bookshelf held DVD boxes of shows that Dan himself was a fan of and the place had a cosy feeling.

“What do you think of it?” PJ asked quietly. 

Phil was in the kitchen preparing their drinks and Dan hadn’t spoken a word since seeing Phil, now was the first chance to finally talk.

“I’m honestly not sure.”

“It’s a nice place.”

“Indeed, it’s really great.”

“But?”

“But I really don’t think I am close to ready to share the same home with a dominant.”

“I’m going to ask you something now, and I want you to give me an honest answer,” PJ whispered and Dan had to lean closer to understand his friend’s words by now. “If you had never met Phil before today, what would your thoughts be on this place?”

Dan scraped his teeth over his bottom lip as he thought about what PJ had just asked. Dan knew who Phil was, knew what the other man liked to do in his free time, but what if he didn’t? Phil had remained completely professional as he showed them around the house, not trying to be bothered at all by the fact that Dan hadn’t said a word. He was friendly and he had good taste in movies, TV shows and music judging by the lounge alone. If Dan wouldn’t have known that Phil was a dominant, someone who enjoyed chaining up other people and taking control over their lives-

“I would love to move in.”

They weren’t able to finish this conversation as Phil entered the room with their drinks in his hands. He sat down on a chair opposite the couch and sipped from his steaming mug. His eyes never once strayed from looking at Dan, making the younger man shift on the couch uncomfortably. “What are your thoughts on this place?”

“It’s really beautiful,” PJ piped up when Dan failed to answer the question, busy stirring the little spoon in the mug. 

“But I guess I’ll have to search further for another flatmate?”

Dan shrugged awkwardly with his shoulders. “It’s a great place you have.” He avoided the question. The place really was great. He loved the architecture, the stairs inside the apartment, the little room tucked away on the top, the modern kitchen, the great location of the place close to university. 

Phil put his mug on the coffee table and leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped together. “Look Dan, I’m not going to lie to you. I heard your answer to PJ’s question.” Dan ducked his head and cursed the blood rushing up, colouring his cheeks red. “All I’m searching for is someone to live with to not feel alone all the time, just a presence in here that makes this place feel lived in. I’m not asking you to be my friend and if you don’t want to, you don’t have to talk to me at all, but I’d really like for you to move in with me. I don’t want to be the reason you’re uncomfortable in your own home and I’d be willing for us to establish rules. I won’t set a foot into your room unless you specifically allow me to. If you need space, all you have to do is say the word. I’ve been searching for someone to live with for months now and I haven’t found the right person yet. But if you’d give me another chance, I believe we could really be the right flatmates for each other.”

Dan’s heart beat loudly in his chest and his mouth was dry. Phil had sounded genuine when he had said those words, but could Dan really do this? Could he really move in with a dominant after everything that had happened? If Dan didn’t know Phil, had only seen his apartment, he would have thought that they’d surely get along great. 

“Can I think about it?” His voice sounded weak and he hated himself for it. 

Phil’s face seemed to soften at the question. “You can take all the time you need to decide.”

Dan and PJ left Phil’s place soon after with his new phone number saved in both their phones. Dan held it together for the rest of the day. He had lunch with PJ at one of the quaint little restaurants near Phil’s apartment and they went to the London zoo in the afternoon, because they had nothing else today. PJ’s girlfriend was working the night-shift, so the boys played video games, but once the sun set and the sky was coloured purple, the dam broke. Dan was about to beat PJ in Mario Kart, when a shell hit him and the tears started flowing.

He felt like a baby, useless and crying over stupid things. PJ held him close through the first tidal wave of tears. Dan wanted to talk, but it was too hard to press out words and instead they ended in broken sobs against his friend’s chest. He felt the fingers running soothingly through his hair and he felt the rocking motion and he wished for his mom to be here and hold him close and to tell him that everything would be okay again.

“What’s wrong, Dan? What’s going on?” PJ asked him carefully once he had caught his breath again. His eyes felt puffy and he sniffed. His face was still pressed against PJ’s shoulder and his friend’s fingers still continued to move soothingly through his hair.

“I’m pathetic.” He sobbed out the words and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to supress a new wave of tears that was welling up in him again. “I’m pathetic and it’s been months and I should be over it by now. I should be able to live my life without problems and not think about his stupid face and the stupid things he did to me, but I still wake up scared and I still can’t live my life the way I want it to and I feel jaded.” The words came out of him like a bubbling mess.

PJ shushed him again as a new set of tears welled up in his eyes and sobs racked Dan’s body with the admission of the words. “You’re not pathetic Dan, and you’re not jaded. You’re scared and that is understandable because someone you trusted did things to you that should never happen to anyone.”

“But I should be over it by now, it’s been months,” Dan whined.

“Dan, there’s no law in the world that tells you when to be over your past. It’s only been a few months and you’re already so much better than in the beginning. You’re going out again, you’re trying to socialize, you’re doing well at university again. You need to heal at your own pace, and whether that takes a week or a decade doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you feel safe at this point and that you know that there are people that will always have your back, no matter what. No one will force you to get over what happened before you’re ready to.”

They remained in this position for a few more minutes, until Dan had completely calmed down. PJ ran him a hot bath, and before he led his friend into the bathroom, he couldn’t help to ask: “What was the cause for all your emotions?”

Dan looked up at him sleepily and PJ had no doubt that he would fall asleep in the warm bathtub. His words were drowsy as he spoke. “I liked Phil’s apartment and judging by his bookshelf he watches a lot of anime and shows that I enjoy. I would like living there and I think I would actually enjoy his company, but I don’t think I’m brave enough to move in with him.”

PJ squeezed his friend’s shoulder. “Take a bath and then sleep. You’ve had a rough night anyway. And tomorrow morning, we’ll go out for breakfast to that place you like so much and we’ll decide what to do, alright?”

Dan only nodded. The next day, he sent a message to Phil that he had typed with shaking fingers.

To: Phil Lester  
Does your offer still stand?  
13/08/2015


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank you guys for your lovely comments and also that person who nominated this story for the phanfic awards. Thanks for deeming this story worthy of being in the competition. Also if you read this story not only because of the plot but because you like my writing as well, you can check out my tumblr (theshyauthor), where I post drabbles and one-shots that I don't publish here. Hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

Dan moved in on a Tuesday, one week before the start of his second year at university. Together with PJ he had been to Phil’s- their- apartment three more times before moving in. Now he sat on the grey carpet of his room, surrounded by boxes and on his own. The bed was already standing, along with a desk and a closet and an old piano that had already been in the room. Other than that, he looked at bare walls and boxes filled with clothes and all his other stuff. 

PJ had left half an hour ago. Dan felt every muscle in his body ache. Carrying everything upstairs had been exhausting. Phil had helped them, but true to his words, he had refused to take one step into Dan’s room and had put down the boxes in front of the door. 

The sound of plates clanking against each other and cupboards being opened and closed could be heard coming from the kitchen. Phil had offered to cook dinner while Dan was unpacking. Dan guessed that it was supposed to be a nice welcoming gesture, but he did not appreciate it. In fact he had tried to talk his new flatmate out of it. Phil, however, didn’t want to hear anything about it. He was adamant on doing this and the intensity with which he insisted on it made Dan even more uncomfortable than he already was in this apartment with this stranger. He knew of tasteless drugs that Phil could easily mix into his food. He wouldn’t be able to see them, smell them or taste them, but they would be there and they would take over his body, but keep his mind awake. He’s come into contact with these kinds of drugs before and it was the reason why he ordered only unopened bottles when going to restaurants. He never ordered food somewhere when he was on his own, only went out eating when PJ was around to ensure that he was safe. But PJ wasn’t around anymore and Dan’s dinner was in the hands of another man and maybe it had been a terrible idea to move in with Phil after all.

His movements were slow and mechanic as Dan started opening up boxes and putting clothes into the closet. He just separated shirts from jeans and sweaters and threw them each in separate corners of the closet, dumping socks and underwear on top. 

A soft knock on his doorframe brought Dan out of his thoughts and he swirled around. Phil was standing there, still respectfully out of Dan’s room like he had promised. “Dinner is ready.”  
___

The TV was showing a documentary about Antarctica in the background, the voice of a narrator talking about the animals living there being the only one talking in the room. Sometimes he was interrupted by the sound of cutlery screeching against plates. Neither of the both man in the room were listening to him.

Dan had maybe eaten four forks of the food on his plate. It wasn’t even that he didn’t like it- in fact, the food Phil had prepared looked and smelled delicious- but he couldn’t bring himself to eat it. He remembered how it had felt when the drug had finally kicked in that was put into his drink too vividly. How his movements slowed against his will and his words came out slurred but his mind was awake, how he was trapped in his own body without a chance to fight against the hands on his shoulders, hands on his hips, hands dragging him downstairs-

“Do you not like it?”

Dan looked up from his food with a start, having been lost too deep in his thoughts. The fork fell out of his hand and the noise as it hit the plate vibrated loudly through the room. Phil looked honestly hurt at his food being rejected and Dan immediately felt bad for it. After all, the man had just tried to make him feel welcome and he screwed it up the very first evening of living with him.

“No, it’s really good,” he tried to get himself out of the situation, stumbling over the vowels in his haste to bring out the words.

“You don’t have to lie, Dan. You’ve barely touched your plate.” The disappointment in Phil’s voice was so thick that Dan felt like the worst scum on earth. He picked up his fork again and picked apart the rice on his plate some more. “It’s really not that I don’t like it.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

Dan stopped in his movements and looked up, almost meeting Phil’s eyes- but only almost. So far, Phil had been nothing but nice to him. He had kept his promise about not stepping a foot into Dan’s room and he had even taken the time to prepare a meal for the both of them, both being things that were not required from him. The least Dan could do was being honest with him.

“I’ve been drugged by a dominant before.”

Phil choked on the rice he was currently swallowing and started coughing violently. He hit his fist against his chest and his face turned red. Dan watched the situation in concern, not sure what to do. Only after Phil had drowned half of the water from his glass did he finally stop coughing. “Holy shit Dan, are you serious?”

“Why would I be joking about something like this?”

Phil looked absolutely appalled. His eyes flickered from the food on the table before them to Dan’s face and back down again for several times. “I’m guessing it was not a consensual drugging within a scene?”

“No.”

The dominant leaned back in his chair and ran a hand over his face, up into his hair, forming his black fringe into a mess of a half quiff, half birds nest. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths to collect himself again. “I’m really sorry to hear that.”

“It’s none of your fault.”

“I’m still sorry this happened to you. And I understand why you would be reluctant to eat dinner now, but I can promise you that I didn’t drug it.”

 

Dan stared at the plate before him with a grim expression. Phil had looked honestly shocked at the confession and Dan did kind of believe him when he said those words, but he still remembered the Phil from months ago threatening to teach him a lesson, the dominant side of him that he had hidden so well for the past few weeks. There was no way he could eat this food.

“How about we throw this away and order pizza instead?”

The offer came unexpected. There was not a trace of anger in Phil’s voice, nor disappointment, just understanding of the situation and the tension that had built up in Dan’s body over the last few minutes started to slowly drain. Still he shook his head no. “I can’t do delivery service.”

“Then we’ll just make our own pizza.”

 

“You want to make your own pizza?”

Phil shrugged his shoulders like it wasn’t a big deal. “One of us just has to run to the store real quick and get the ingredients. I’ve done it a few times already, it’s honestly not that hard.”

Dan couldn’t help the corners of his mouth quirking up slightly. “I can burn toast, this is the perfect recipe for a catastrophe.”

___ 

It was Dan that ended up going to the shops while Phil took care of dinner with the gleeful realization that he’d have leftovers for at least the next two days. When Dan returned with a heavy bag, there was no trace left of Phil’s cooking, only Phil waiting for him in the kitchen with an apron tied around his waist.

The kitchen wasn’t exactly what Dan would call spacious and he was reluctant to spend time with Phil in the cramped space. He was conscious of every movement his new flat mate made and always made sure to stand near the door. There was a ladder right outside the kitchen window as well that could provide an alternative escape route, but Dan preferred doors over windows in case of emergency. If Phil was aware of his tactic of keeping distance and staying closest to the exit, he didn’t mention it. At one point they both reached for the cheese and Dan flinched away as Phil’s fingertips brushed over his knuckles by accident. Phil only said a quick sorry and then quickly changed the topic, filling the silence between them with mindless conversations that Dan quickly got sucked into.

Once the pizzas were in the oven, they decided to watch a movie for the time being. Dan again took the seat on the couch closest to the door. He sat stiffly, not daring to relax or even shift around, while Phil was lazily lying on the black sofa, feet up and head rested on a pillow. 

When they got their pizza out of the oven, they decided to eat on the couch and continue watching the movie. Only sometimes did they talk to each other in hushed voices.

At the end of the movie, when the credits were rolling over the screen, Dan almost felt relaxed. His stomach was comfortably full and his bones were tired from a day of carrying heavy boxes. 

“Can I ask you something?” Phil broke the comfortable silence in the room with a quiet voice. Dan hummed in agreement.

“I’m not going to ask you any details about the drugging,” Dan’s comfortableness vanished in thin air with those words, “because that’s something personal and none of my business unless you decide to tell me about it. But I just wanted to know your boundaries when it comes to food, so I can adapt to them and know what’s alright and what’s not.” Phil craned his neck enough to look at Dan from his current position on the pillow upside down with curious blue eyes. “I meant it when I said that I want you to feel comfortable.”

Dan fiddled with the hem of his shirt, unable to look at Phil. “Unless it’s from PJ, I don’t accept food from others and unless I’m out with PJ, I don’t eat at restaurants or elsewhere. I can only drink from bottles too that are still sealed, when I’m with others.”

“We need to buy you bottles then. You really feel safe with PJ, don’t you?”

The younger man shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “He’s the only one I can feel remotely safe with.”

The credits of the movie ended and the DVD went back to the main menu, but neither of them cared to turn off the TV. They just sat in silence with each other, Dan growing more uncomfortable with every second and Phil seemingly deep in thought.

“You know, I genuinely feel bad for the way I acted when we first met. And hearing that a dom once took advantage of you makes me feel even worse about it all and I certainly understand your distrust.”

You don’t even know half of it, Dan bitterly thought to himself but kept the words to himself. Phil knew all he needed to know, there was nothing more that could be of interest to him. So he settled with excusing himself to bed, claiming that he was tired from moving boxes all day long as an opportunity to flee the room. 

___

His digital alarm clock showed 11 p.m. and Dan was still wide awake. He was tired but he didn’t dare close his eyes. There was no key for his door to lock. He had wrapped the blanket tightly around his body, the hot August night not making it a comfortable experience. His gaze was always directed at the door handle, waiting for it to go down and for the light from the hallway to flood the room, for Phil to break his promise and step inside. Every noise he could hear coming from the room behind the wall that the headboard of his bed was pressed against had his muscles go rigid and his breath stutter. Phil had been too nice to be true the entire day and it was not long until that mask would drop and Dan would get to see the real him. 

He shuddered at the thought of what the man could have hidden in his walk-in closet that Dan had not had the chance to look into yet. Handcuffs. Whips. Gags. Blindfolds. All the things that Dan never wanted to see again in his entire life. He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t dare close his eyes. If he did, he would be so very vulnerable. 

Another sound was coming from behind the wall. Dan’s finger was hovering over the call button on his phone, PJ’s number already on the display just in case. His entire body was shaking, his teeth chattering and he couldn’t make them stop. He knew that monsters never slept, and neither would he tonight- just to be safe.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hi, hello. Here's a new chapter for you all! I just wanted to thank you guys for all your lovely comments, I really appreciate them and especially you guys that take the time to comment on every new chapter. Thank you! I just never reply to them because then ao3 would show it as another comment on my story and I don't like that at all, but please know that I read them all and they make me smile and if this story makes you happy, that's what makes me happy! Hope you enjoy this new chapter! :)

Phil knew all too well what a person looked like that hadn’t slept for days, and Dan Howell fit those criteria. There were giant bags prominent under his eyes in a dark shade of blue. He drank too much coffee and his coordination was poorly. His concentration span wasn’t longer than a few minutes. He was constantly yawning and his eyelids drooped often, his head would fall to the side and seconds later it would shoot up again and his eyes would open as if he had never nearly fallen asleep. It was Friday, only three days after Dan had moved in with him and Phil suspected that the young man had not slept more than eight hours between then and now by the looks of it. He had expressed his worry about the situation to PJ on the phone, but Dan’s friend also had no idea on what to do about the situation. All they both knew was that Dan did not sleep and Phil suspected that it was his fault. 

He wasn’t stupid. Phil noticed the way Dan would keep his distance, would flinch away from accidental touches and always stay close to the nearest door, always make sure that Phil was not in between the only exit out of the room and him. He’d never look him in the eyes, not even when they had one of their rare conversations, eyes only ever focusing on his forehead or nose. PJ had told him once already about Dan having a bad past with dominants and Dan’s confession about the drugs he was slipped once made Phil think that the situation was far more serious than he had first expected, but still he couldn’t understand Dan’s extreme behaviour whenever they were together. It wasn’t like there was any sort of dynamic between them. They were neither dominant nor submissive when they were around each other, just two guys living in a flat with one another. However, it seemed like that concept was hard to grasp for Dan.

Phil stood in front of his closet, contemplating what he was going to wear to the Dungeon tonight. He could hear the tinkling sounds of the piano being played through the wall and couldn’t help but smile. Sure, his flat mate was not really talk-active and he didn’t see him a lot, but knowing that there was at least another presence within the same walls as him was a comforting feeling.

Ready to go out, Phil gently knocked on Dan’s door. The soft sounds of the piano being played stopped and a small voice from inside told him to open the door.

Dan was hunched over the old brown piano, his fingers still lingering over the keys. The room was softly illuminated by the remaining rays of sun on a hot late August evening. 

“I just wanted you to know that I’ll be going out tonight. I don’t know what time I’ll be back, but it’s probably going to be late. Will you be okay on your own?”

Dan nodded. “I’m twenty-one, you know. I’m sure I’ll be fine on my own for a few hours.”

Phil pretended not to have heard the relief in those words.  
__

Dan listened to the key turning in the entrance door, the sign that he was finally alone for the next few hours, and his shoulders slumped in relief. He didn’t spare a second to quickly strip out of his jeans and t-shirt and into his pyjamas instead and crawled under his soft duvet with sleep-heavy eyes. His alarm clock would ring in four hours, hopefully before Phil was back.  
__

Phil returned home at three a.m., tired and exhausted and not too happy. Many submissives had asked for a scene with him tonight, but he had refused them all, apologizing and explaining that he wasn’t in the best mood and might not be able to give them what they deserved. He didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he felt drained and normally he would recharge his batteries at the club, but for some reason it had felt wrong tonight. 

So he had dragged himself home with only his own sweat clinging to his skin for the first time in a while. The hallway was dark but through the slit between the door to Dan’s room and the floor, Phil could still see light shining through. He decided to inform Dan of his return and knocked against the wood gently, but got no reply.

“Dan?” he asked hesitantly, his fingers already wrapping around the door handle. When he still got no reply, he pressed it down very carefully and opened the door slowly. The bright lights of the room hurt in his eyes in contrast to the darkness of the hallway. 

From where he was standing, Phil immediately saw Dan lying in the bed, wrapped up in his blanket and with tufts of brown hair sticking in all directions. Phil couldn’t help the smile that formed on his lips at the sight that presented itself in front of him. His flatmate was sound asleep. 

For a moment Phil contemplated turning off the lights, but then decided against it. If he did that, Dan would know that he had looked into his room at least once while he was asleep and he didn’t think that would increase the younger man’s sleep span at all. Instead he just silently closed the door again and went to the lounge to watch some TV before going to bed, not using the TV in his own room in fear of the noise waking up the younger man. 

__

 

“I live with a dominant now.”

The woman sitting in front of him- Dan’s therapist- looked up in surprise from her notes, her perfectly trimmed eyebrows rising up in curiosity. “I honestly did not see that coming.”

Dan shrugged his shoulders and shifted around on the couch nervously. It was a Monday, had been the first day of his third semester at university and also the bi-weekly meeting with his therapist, Ms. Naruse.

“Since when have you been living with him?”

“Last Tuesday.”

“Is that why you had to cancel our appointment on Wednesday?”

“I was busy unpacking clothes and books and trying to hold myself together.”

Ms. Naruse started scribbling away on her paper. “Is you living with a dominant the reason for the bags under your eyes?” With the end of the pen she dabbed against under her left eye to emphasize her words. Dan ducked his head at that, not willing to admit. When she realized that he would not answer her question, she tried another way. “I want you to tell me how you got into this situation.”

“Well, Phil-“

“Wait, wait, wait!” Ms. Naruse stopped Dan, one of the few times since the months that he visited her that she actually interrupted him. “Phil as in Phil the dominant from the Dungeon a few months ago?” When her client nodded, she put her notebook on the coffee table to her right and leaned forward. “Now I’m genuinely intrigued. How did this happen?”

After Dan was finished explaining everything that happened, Ms. Naruse looked at him contemplating. “I’m going to stop being your therapist for a second and instead be a person that just genuinely cares for you. From what you just told me about him, Phil sounds like a good man that is really trying hard to make you feel comfortable around him. I can understand your hesitation towards him, but I think you should try to give him a chance. Get to know him, talk to him more. Have a movie night together or something. PJ knows where you live and you can leave your new address with me as well. I’m not saying you should trust Phil, after all you don’t know him very well, but try to get to know him. I honestly think it would be good for you.”  
___

Phil was humming along to a song that’s been stuck in his head all day long as he was loading the dishwasher. It was eight in the evening and he and Dan had just had dinner. It had been the younger man’s first day back at university and watching him work out his schedule for the semester made Phil miss his time at university, back when everything was uncomplicated and the only thing in life that mattered was somehow passing classes and writing exams positive. 

When Phil was done with the dishes, he went back to the lounge where Dan was sitting on the couch, on the spot closest to the door which had quickly become his own place, and leafing through a book half-heartedly.

“Do you have plans for tonight?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head no. “I’ve got absolutely nothing to do, why?”

“I don’t know, I was just thinking that I’d really like to play a card game or maybe a board game. Do you know that random feeling when you suddenly just want to do something really bad for absolutely no reason? That’s how I feel towards traditional games right now.”

Dan closed the book in his hands after marking the page by dog-earing it. “Let’s play games. Where are they?” He got up from the couch and looked at Phil questioningly. The older man had already noticed that Dan was always quick to adapt to Phil’s wishes, fetch things for him that Phil hadn’t even asked for. “Up in the spare room in the closet are a few. Just pick whatever you want to play. I’m going to get myself something to drink in the meantime. Do you want something as well?”

“Apple juice, please.” With that Dan rushed out of the room past Phil and skipped the few steps upstairs and Phil made his way to the kitchen one more time, where he got himself a bottle of beer and Dan some apple juice. After the first night of Dan living with him, Phil had made sure to stock the cupboards with all kinds of juices in bottles for Dan to choose from, since the younger man refused to bring anything to his lips that Phil possibly could have touched – drugged- without his knowledge. It was a bit irritating but Phil had no other choice than to respect Dan’s wishes in this situation. 

With the two bottles in his hand he returned to the lounge where Dan had already stacked a few boxes of different games. 

“I hope you’re ready to lose,” Phil grinned as he sat down on the table and Dan just glared at him. “Bring it on, Lester!”

It took Phil many games to realize that Dan let him win on purpose. Card games and board games alike, Phil had just thought that he’d had a lucky streak, but after winning in chess for the fifth time in a row when Dan could have easily prevented being checkmated he noticed that something was not quite the way it should be. 

The conversation between them was strained and Dan was nervously gnawing on his lower lip as they set up the chessboard for the sixth time. So far they hadn’t talked much, only about the weather, some trivial things and Halloween that would be coming in two months. As it turned out, Dan did not seem to be a Halloween enthusiast at all, in fact even despising it. Phil had questioned him about it and Dan had claimed that it was due to a bad experience in the past. The dominant couldn’t stop thinking that Dan seemed to have a lot of those. 

In their sixth round of chess Phil payed close attention to every single one of Dan’s moves. He took note of the way Dan’s eyes would flit across the board and how his hand would move to one piece first before often deciding to play out another one. It was obvious that he knew what he was doing, was conscious of every decision he made. That’s why when Phil put his queen on E4, he had his confirmation that Dan was holding back. There were two ways that Dan could take his queen, one being his knight on F6 and the other one being his bishop on C7. Phil watched intently as Dan’s eyes travelled over the board briefly and got stuck on his white queen one second too long. Instead of taking one of the two pieces that could get rid of Phil’s queen- the mightiest of pieces in the game - Dan went for the second bishop on the board that could only be placed on black tiles and moved him from F8 to H6. 

“Are you sure that’s the movement you want to go with?” Phil asked conversationally. “Because you and I both know that both your knight and your other bishop are in the perfectly good position to get rid of my queen.”

Dan, whose bishop was hovering millimetres over the black square of H6, drew his hand with the black piece in it back to F8 and lowered it to its original position. “I didn’t notice.” It was more of a question than an answer.

“That’s bullshit and you and I both know it. Honestly I should have gotten suspicious after winning at UNO three times in a row. I’m never good at any games. Why are you letting me win on purpose?”

To Phil it was like watching a snail retreating back inside its shell. First the two protruding eyes would disappear into the squishy part of the body and then the entire body would quickly get sucked inside the safety of the hard shell around it. Dan’s shoulders were up and a bit forward as if he was trying to shield his ribcage by pushing it further inside his body. His head was bent and his eyes lingered on the chessboard. 

“Look Dan, I’m not mad at you or anything. I don’t know why you’re deliberately losing all the time, but I want you to stop doing that. It’s not fun playing against someone who’s not even trying. When I play with someone, I want them to be my equal, not my subordinate. So how about we stop this game right now and start over one more time, and this time you show me all you got.”

Phil only noticed the ambiguity of his words when he lay in bed later that night and he wondered if Dan had picked up on that as well. So they started over one more time and the seventh time they played chess, Phil lost within minutes. And the eighth time. And the ninth. And Phil was left pondering why a smart boy like Dan, who could outplay him at chess with few smart moves, played dumb. He didn’t address his flatmate’s deliberate losing anymore and chalked it up to being another bad experience he had had, like the one on Halloween Dan had briefly mentioned. Or the one with the drugs Dan had opened up about. And Phil couldn’t stop asking himself if all those incidents were related to one another. All he knew for sure was that he was living with Dan since six days, a shy and damaged young man with brown eyes that were filled with dullness but still held a spark within them that Phil was sure he’d be able to find, if Dan would just look him in the eyes. Dan Howell was an enigma and Phil swore to himself to unriddle the man.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All your comments are the sweetest and reading them honestly warms my heart, thank you guys. Here's a new chapter within two days (WHAT?!). Crazy, I know. Please don't get used to it though. I'd love to update for you guys this regularly all the time, but sadly I'm too busy to have the time to write enough to be able to do that. Also there's an important note at the end of this chapter! Hope you enjoy! :)

Being back at university gave Dan the perfect opportunity to hide in his room in the evenings when Phil was home from work under the false pretence to study, which was absolutely ridiculous considering the fact that it was only the second week of being back. He knew that and Phil probably knew that as well, taking into account that he had seen right through Dan and his act of being bad at any kind of game. Dan maybe possibly was avoiding Phil even more than before now after that night, because truth be told he was embarrassed that Phil had found out he was losing on purpose and he wasn’t keen on telling Phil why he had done what he had done.

Dan knew people who hated losing and especially one person came into his mind that he never wanted to think about ever again, that particularly couldn’t stand to lose a game. It had conditioned Dan into learning how to be the loser himself, how to be the perfect submissive person not minding that they hadn’t won- the perfect submissive. Something that in his short period of being a submissive he had never achieved to be and something that he would never want to try being ever again. How often had he tried to break out of the patterns that he was conditioned to follow. Always lose, never talk back, never look him in the eyes. Thinking about it, Dan was worse than any submissive could have ever been, only half stuck in the place of submissiveness and yet never able to escape in fear of punishment. Ms. Naruse called it a perfectly normal behaviour for someone in Dan’s situation, but Dan liked to call it unnecessary baggage that he had to carry around with him every step and every passing second of his life.

Ms. Naruse was head over heels in love with the fact that Dan had taken the step and moved in with a dominant. She claimed that it was an enormous part of his recovery and showed how much strength he had within him. Dan, however, only felt weaker with each passing moment that he tried to avoid Phil. In the last two sessions with her, he had talked about his still existent fear of the man coming into his room at night, at what could be hidden in his closet. 

On Friday evening Dan was busy reading Wuthering Heights for his English Literary Landscapes course that, even after two classes, he already predicted to be his favourite course of the semester. The teacher was strict and ordered them six books to read for the entire semester, but the topic of authors whose writing was associated with specific landscapes of England, was really interesting. It was a welcome change to Shakespeare, who Dan’s studies focused on way too much in his opinion. Not that he didn’t appreciate the man and his incredible work, especially when it came to sonnets, but there were only so many times Dan could hear that name before wishing for change. Emily Brontë was that variation Dan had hoped for, and later on in the semester they would talk about William Wordsworth and the Lake District that the man was associated with, something that Dan really looked forward to learn about as well. His mother had sometimes read Wordsworth’s poems to Dan instead of singing him a lullaby when he was little and maybe that was the reason for Dan’s love for literature that had developed later on in his life. 

He was lying sprawled out on the couch in the lounge with his book in hands when Phil came home from work around five in the evening. If he hadn’t lost track of time, he would have retreated into his room about an hour ago, but he was so engrossed in the story that he had forgotten to check the clock. No matter how much he enjoyed Wuthering Heights though, he still preferred Jane Eyre, written by Charlotte Brontë. Sadly though Dan was not the one to pick the books he could read for his English lit courses. 

It startled him when he could hear the keys in the front door and for seconds he contemplated dashing to his room, but he could already hear Phil inside and it would look just weird and furthermore he was comfy the way he was lying right now and didn’t want to move. So he just craned his neck back in order to look to the entrance coming from the hallway and enjoyed the look of confusion on Phil’s face of actually finding Dan in their shared lounge. The older man masked his surprise quickly enough. “What are you reading?”

“Wuthering Heights.”

“It’s a lovely book.”

“You’ve read it?”

Phil put his bag on one of the chairs around the dining table and sat down in another one with an exhausted sigh. “You seem to keep forgetting that I took English Linguistics and Literature at university as well and therefore was forced to read all the classics. Do you like it?”

Dan shrugged his shoulders as much as he could from his position lying on his back and turned around on his stomach to properly look at Phil- not in the eyes though, never look him in the eyes. “It’s pretty good, but I’d rather read Lord of the Rings or something right now to be honest.”

The moment those words were out, Phil’s entire face seemed to light up. “I love Lord of the Rings, the books as well as the movies!” He was interrupted by the rumbling of his stomach. “And as much as I’d like to have a discussion with you about it right now, I seriously need to make myself something to eat because I am starving.”

From his position on the couch, Dan watched Phil get up and was about to continue his reading when- “Hey Phil, it’s Friday. Are you going to go out tonight again?”

Phil, now halfway out of the room already, turned back one more time and shook his head, his black fringe falling into his eyes. “Nah, I think I’ll stay home tonight. Work today was exhausting, I’d rather relax than go out.”

Dan’s eyes lingered on the black ink on dirty white paper of the book in his hands as he thought over his next words. His therapist’s voice was talking in his head, reminding him that he should at least try to get to know Phil. Then PJ’s voice popped up as well, talking about how much he enjoyed Phil’s company and creativity. 

“Would you like to watch the Lord of the Rings movies tonight? Maybe not all of them at once, but at least the first?”

He didn’t dare look up from the book but felt Phil’s presence loom over him and immediately wanted to take his words back. This was a stupid idea. What had he been thinking?

“Sure, I’d absolutely love that.” There was something odd about Phil’s voice and the way he replied, but it didn’t sound odd in a bad way but in a good way. Phil sounded happy. “Let me just make some food. Do you have anything else to do as well?”

Dan raised the book in his hands. “I need to read a few more pages.”

“Then let’s say we watch at seven, is that alright with you? We can make popcorn, unless that’s a problem for you? We can like, divide it into two different bowls and you can pick whichever bowl you prefer and also both be in the kitchen while it’s in the microwave and stuff.”

As much as Dan felt intimidated by Phil, he could not help the smile that was tugging at his lips at the ramblings of the older man. He was honestly surprised about how considerate Phil was towards him and ducked his head to hide his blush. “Sure, popcorn sounds great.”

Phil left the room with an “Awesome” to go into the kitchen. As soon as he was completely out of the room, Dan scrambled for his phone.

To: Peej  
I’m having a movie night with p, help.  
11/09/2015

His phone vibrated within seconds and the screen lightened up with PJ’s reply on it.

From: Peej  
That’s great, what’s the problem?  
11/09/2015

To: Peej  
it was my idea and i’m scared  
11/09/2015

From: Peej  
Just remember that I’m always only a phone call away.  
11/09/2015

Dan put his phone away and immersed himself into the book one more time, but now it was harder to concentrate on the words and their meanings and sometimes he lost a line or read an entire paragraph and realized that he actually hadn’t understood a single word and had to start rereading it again.

His flatmate returned after about half an hour with a plate filled with food and typed away on his phone while eating. Dan didn’t like the silence that hung between them right now. Maybe it was because it was a Friday that he felt even more uneasy around Phil than usual. Friday was the night that Phil was usually at the Dungeon, when he was the dominant Dan had gotten to know before the actual person. 

Giving up on actually reading some more of Wuthering Heights, Dan closed his books after dog-earing it and put it on the coffee table next to his phone nearly at the same time as Phil finished his dinner.

“Are you alright?”

“I just can’t concentrate on anything in there anymore?”

Phil nodded. “We can start watching now as well, if you want to. Just let me get dressed in something more comfortable real quick, then we can make some popcorn and start the movie.”

Dan approved Phil’s plan with a hum and rested his head on a cushion, listening to the footsteps down the hallway, the sound of cutlery and a plate being put into the dishwasher and more footsteps descending into the depth of the hallway.

Minutes later Phil returned in sweatpants and a black shirt, his hair ruffled and glasses perched on his nose. He looked soft, Dan thought to himself, a weird word to define a man but somehow fitting in the moment. 

“Come on, let’s make some popcorn.”

They took a bag of popcorn and put it into the microwave. Dan watched the brown bag inflate as the sound of soft pops filled the kitchen together with the hum of the microwave and Phil busied himself taking out two bowls from the cupboard and bringing their drinks into the living room. The popcorn was food that belonged to Phil, food that he had bought and stored maybe even before Dan moved in. Anything could have happened to it, but Dan didn’t want to voice that idea. Phil seemed genuinely excited about it all. 

As promised before, Dan was the one allowed to divide the popcorn into the two different bowls and got to choose the one he wanted to eat from. They took their bowls into the living room, where Phil had already pulled out all the blankets and gathered all the pillows on the couch.

“It’s not a real movie night if it’s not cosy and it’s only cosy if it’s cuddly.”

Dan’s heart seized at the words, hoping that with cuddly Phil did not imply wanting to cuddle up to him. 

“Come on, sit down and get comfy.” Phil gestured him to take a seat and Dan complied, but the muscles in his body were stiff and he felt less than relaxed. It got worse when Phil turned off the lights.

The only light provided in the room was from the TV and a scented candle that was burning on the dining table Dan hadn’t noticed before. Phil was bustling around, walking around the couch and sitting down at the other end close to the bookshelf. He took the blankets and wrapped himself up in them, laid down on the couch; his feet so close to Dan, almost too close. He smiled at Dan when he noticed him stare and turned his head towards the TV, hitting the play button. Then he pulled his bowl of popcorn close and started eating.

Dan’s fingers trembled as they dipped into his own bowl for the first time. His eyes were directed at the screen now, but he paid no attention to the words said there. It wasn’t like he knew the movie by heart anyway. He cautiously took one popcorn. It was okay. They had been sealed and still in their natural form. Phil wouldn’t have had any chance to mess with them. Dan had nothing to fear. 

The popcorn touched his lips and it rested there for a second, before Dan dared to open his mouth wider and push it in, past his teeth onto his tongue, where it rested for a while before he dared start chewing it. He took another popcorn and again it rested against his lips, held by two shaking fingers only, and his eyes flickered from the screen to Phil, only to discover with shock that the dominant was watching him with an acute look. 

Dan blushed and quickly pushed the second popcorn past his lips, shifted around on the couch uncomfortably and put the bowl away for now. It was enticing to grab one of the blankets he was half sitting on and wrap it around his body right now to shield himself from the intensity of Phil’s stare, but blankets were like ropes that he could ravel himself up in, so he let them be and instead drew his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs, rested his chin on his knees and pretended to watch the movie.

One movie turned into two, and at the end of the second one, Dan could hear Phil softly snoring. He turned on the lights, but the other man did not stir. He fake-coughed into his fist, but to no avail- Phil continued to stay asleep. 

Dan couldn’t help but watch the other man. He was unconventionally beautiful in a way that was hard to explain. His glasses were askew on his face and his hair a mess. He looked calm, every feature of his face relaxed, harmless. His feet starting from his ankles were not covered by the blanket anymore. Dan started poking his right ankle with one finger, moving it a little bit. Phil shifted and huffed out a breath and Dan quickly drew his hand back, watching with bated breath. 

What if Phil would get mad if Dan woke him up? But he really didn’t want the other man to spend the night on the couch, because even though it was comfortable, it couldn’t compare to a bed and would probably leave kinks in Phil’s neck the next day.

Dan poked a second time, then a third. When Phil still didn’t show any reaction, he became braver and wrapped his fingers around Phil’s ankle and started shaking it. 

As soon as Phil started to show signs of waking up, Dan flinched back and pretended to never have touched him.

“Hmh?” Phil grumbled and Dan retreated a bit further away from him on the couch, because Phil did not look or sound happy.

“You fell asleep, the second movie is over.” Dan spoke in silent words. He watched as Phil raised his head and looked around the room, blinking a few times. 

“Shit I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

His voice was deeper than usual and Dan shivered. “It’s honestly no problem. You should go to bed though.”

Phil sat up and entangled himself from the blankets. He took off his glasses and placed them on the coffee table before rubbing a hand over his face. “That’s a good idea. Good night Dan, I hope you sleep well.”

Dan watched Phil leave the room and waited for a few more minutes after he was finished in the bathroom, before gathering up the popcorn bowls- Phil’s empty, his still half-full- and brought them to the kitchen together with his empty bottle and Phil’s glas. He folded up the blankets in the living room and shook out the pillows before rearranging them neatly, before getting ready for the night in the bathroom and going to bed himself. After two weeks, sleep still not came easy to him, but right now he was exhausted and his eyelids fluttered shut on their own accord as soon as his head hit the pillow.  
___

When Phil woke up, it was still dark outside. He was tired and disoriented and supposed that it was probably a bad dream that he couldn’t remember anymore, that had awoken him. Rolling himself from one side to the other, he was ready to close his eyes again and continue to sleep for a few more hours, when he heard it: the screaming coming from the next wall.

Without thinking he tumbled out of bed and nearly fell to the floor as he had dragged his duvet with him that was now gathered around his feet. Taking quick steps he threw open the door to his room and stopped in front of the other door right next to it, the one leading to Dan’s room. The screaming was louder from here and Phil didn’t hesitate to open this door as well to find Dan trashing around in his bed, screaming as if for his life. 

Phil’s first instinct was to run over and shake Dan awake, release him from this nightmare he was obviously trapped in, but then he looked down on the floor and remembered the promise he had given Dan to never set a foot inside his room unless he had his permission.

He looked at Dan one more time and felt like his heart was being surrounded by an ice-cold hand that clenched around it tightly. What should he possibly do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ATTENTION: You can now vote for this fic in the 2015 phanfic awards for 'Best Storyline'. So if you want to, [click right here](http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/post/113541935645/phanfic-awards-2015-nominations), go to 'Best Storyline', select 'Those Who Trust- theshyauthor' and cast your vote. If you do so, thank you from the bottom of my heart.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank you all for your kind words again. Also I really enjoyed you guys speculating in the comments as to how Phil will deal with this situation! Also I wrote this chapter during my two hour lunchbreak today. And there was an issue brought to my attention on tumblr from an anon about the load of angst this chapter will have. If you think strong angst might trigger anxiety for you, just scroll down the chapter until you find the paragraph with the first two words written in all caps. You won't miss what happened above that part as it will be repeated in dialogue. Just wanted to let you guys know that in case anyone needs it! :)

Phil stood at the doorframe and looked into the dark room. With every second passing he felt like the walls were closing in on him as Dan’s screams turned louder, were mixed now with sobs as well. Not knowing what to do, he got out his phone and dialled PJ’s number, ignoring the fact that the clock showed four a.m.. 

“Have you lost your mind, Lester?”

“Dan is having a nightmare and I don’t know what to do.” He himself could hear the desperation in his voice and apparently so did PJ, because he sounded wide awake. “I’m on my way.”

“And what am I supposed to do n-“ PJ had already hung up and Phil was on his own again. Dan’s friend would not arrive for another half an hour at least.

Phil turned on the lights in Dan’s room and squinted at the brightness of them. He could see Dan’s face now, the distress clearly written on his features. He didn’t want to go and wake him up, didn’t want to break the promise he had given, but Dan sounded scared and he couldn’t just stand there and listen to his cries either until PJ would arrive.

When he took the first step inside, it felt wrong. For a moment he thought Dan might open his eyes and scream at him for not keeping his word, but the younger man was still asleep and trashing around and Phil took note of the sweat covering his skin.

“Dan?” he asked hesitantly as his shins pressed against the edge of the bed now. His hand reached out but he didn’t dare touch. “Dan?” His voice increased in loudness but it wasn’t enough to wake the other man up. Dan stilled, however, in his movements for a few seconds, only quiet whimpers escaping trembling lips.

Watching him like this, Phil felt almost a physical pain in his chest. It was an intimate moment and Dan looked beautiful with eyes closed and mouth slightly apart, but the tear tracks on his cheek and the heavy breathing destroyed the magic of this moment that could have been. 

“Dan?” Phil sat down on the edge of the mattress and placed his hand on one of Dan’s shoulders and started shaking him lightly. Dan’s body jerked away from the touch as if Phil’s hand was made out of burning hot coals. “Dan, it’s okay.”

Panic was slowly taking over Phil’s thoughts. He increased the pressure of his hand on Dan’s shoulder, shook harder, talked louder. “Dan, you need to wake up. Can you hear me? Dan!”

Their heads nearly knocked together as Dan shot up in bed with a scream dying on his lips. His eyes were unfocused and his brown orbs swimming in tears. Phil still had his hand on Dan’s shoulders and they were close to each other, face to face, and he could feel Dan’s body tremble under his fingers, his t-shirt wet with cold sweat of fear. “Dan!”

Dan finally snapped out of his stare and seemed to comprehend the situation. He looked around his room and then his gaze was on Phil, and then he opened his mouth as if to say something- and Phil could already hear him going on about broken promises- when Dan shifted away from his touch and out of bed in record speed and kneeled down on the grey carpet floor. 

At first, Phil watched with curious eyes, thought that maybe Dan had to throw up from the intensity of the nightmare. But as he saw what Dan did, he felt like he was the one about to need a bucket. Dan was kneeling on the floor, knees spread apart, hands behind his back, which was straight as a line and bent slightly forward, his head bowed as far down as possible.

He was in the perfect position of submissiveness.

His entire body was still shaking and he tried to hold the sobs in now, pressed his lips together as he faced Phil in this position of subjection. The older man, who had been sitting on the edge of Dan’s bed, slid from the soft mattress to the hard carpet floor in front of Dan with unease. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong and he didn’t know what it was and what he could do to fix it.

“Dan?” he asked hesitantly and reached out a hand, pressed his palm against one of the tear-stained red cheeks and watched as the boy before him- because that’s all he was right now, a broken boy- squeezed his eyes shut tight but did not shy away from his touch.

“I’m sorry master, I’m sorry. I’ll be good.” Broken words tumbled over chapped lips in between sobs and taking in heaps of breath. “I can be good for you, please, I can be good.”

If Phil’s heart was made out of glass, this would have been the exact moment it would not only have cracked, but split into one million shards. He’d never encountered a situation like this before, never seen someone so truly terrified right down to their bones. He’s never felt this helpless in his entire life. 

Phil reached out and cautiously wrapped his arms around Dan, whose position did not change but posture stiffen even more when bodies collided. 

“I’m sorry master, please don’t hurt me.”

“Shhh Dan, you’re alright, you’re safe.” Phil threaded his right hand through Dan’s soft brown hair, something he had wanted to do since the first second he had seen the submissive at the club all those months ago, but in a completely different context. He guided Dan’s head to have his face hide in his own neck, his skin immediately damp with the other’s tears.

“Don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me,” the words were repeated and it felt like they etched themselves into Phil’s skin. They were unintelligible by now and Dan’s body was wrecked with sobs that Phil feared he would fall into pieces under his fingers. 

Phil tightened his arms around the younger man, made sure that he held him close and rubbed his back, not sure what else to do. “Not going to hurt you Dan, I’m never going to hurt you,” he whispered In Dan’s ear, knowing that the words wouldn’t be heard anyway. “It’s me, Phil, and I am not going to hurt you, do you understand? You’re safe Dan, you’re safe.”

He kept the stream of comforting words upright without thinking of what slipped out of his mouth, too concerned when the intensity of the crying didn’t stop. And then PJ arrived and rang the doorbell from the very moment he arrived until Phil had untangled himself from Dan and opened up the door for him.

THERE WAS barely time for a “Hello” as PJ passed him and ran up the stairs, down the hallway and taking the right door into Dan’s room. Phil could hear his voice from where he was stood at the other end of the corridor by the entrance to the lounge. He really wanted to go there, wanted to comfort and make sure that Dan was alright, but he feared his presence would not help the situation at all and decided to make tea instead.

His fingers were shaking as he started the kettle and his thoughts did not stop racing around the images he had seen. He took two cups out of the cupboard and filled them up with boiling water, added teabags and carried them to the lounge, careful not to spill the hot liquid over the edge as he couldn’t seem to calm the trembling.

By the time PJ came into the lounge, his tea was cold and Phil’s cup empty. Phil was curled up on the couch staring at the wall, thinking about everything and nothing at all, lost in thoughts deep enough to first not notice the other man entering.

“He’s asleep now.” PJ sat down on the couch next to him and grabbed the cup of tea, taking a sip of it before putting it down again. 

“That’s good.”

“It really is, because he normally doesn’t go back to sleep after nightmares.”

“PJ,” Phil uncurled himself from his current position and turned to him, “what happened to him?”

PJ held his stare almost challengingly. “It’s not my place to tell you and you know that, Phil.”

“Fuck it!” Phil raised his voice and kicked the coffee table with his foot, startling PJ. “You haven’t seen him earlier. He dropped to the floor, knees spread and hands behind his back and called me master, begged me to not hurt him. You can’t expect me to deal with this without knowing what the fuck is going on! He felt like he was falling apart under my hands the way he was shaking and I didn’t know what to do. How can I help him when I don’t know what to do?” His voice got quieter with every spoken word, barely above a whisper at the end. 

He didn’t expect PJ to hug him, but once he found himself in comforting arms he could feel the prickling of tears behind his eyelids and hugged back as hard as he could. 

“I just want to help him.” His words were choked up and he felt embarrassed for feeling like crying. “Why did you ever allow him to move in with me?”

“Because he wanted to move in with you.” 

Phil pulled back from the hug and blinked a couple of times to clear his view of blurry tears. “What?”

“He wanted to move in with you. He saw your anime collection and the Muse poster on the wall, all the little things you have standing around here that he’s a fan of as well. I think he liked the idea of having someone to talk about these things with as I am not really a fan of the things that interest him.”

“He never talks with me about anything though.”

PJ looked guilty as he bit his lower lip and avoided Phil’s eyes. “It’s very hard for him to open up to people.”

“And you’re going to tell me what happened now?”

“I- I honestly shouldn’t tell you, but he’s not going to tell you either and you deserve to know at least something. I’m the worst friend in the entire world right now.”

Phil leaned forward to catch PJ’s eyes. “I promise you’re doing the right thing here.”

He watched as PJ took a deep breath. “Dan moved to London about a year ago to go to university and it was then that he became part of the scene. I met him at the Dungeon when he was there the first time and as a new submissive he was highly sought after. I gave him a few tips, helped him that night when he had any questions. We met at university soon after and became friends. His visits at the Dungeon became regular and he loved it there, loved learning the rules and submitting to others and the dominants loved him and his looks, the way he was willing. He met an older dominant there that he liked to scene with a lot. He was relatively new at the Dungeon as well, had moved to London not too long ago so no one knew much about him, but they said that he had experience. I never really liked him. He always had this sinister vibe, which sounds really stupid. Him and Dan, they became kind of exclusive, but only ever met at the Dungeon. On Halloween last year they met there again and he invited Dan to come with him for the night. Dan agreed to the offer. I think that at that point he had at least a crush on the man. He was always talking about him, always in the best mood on the days he went to the Dungeon. So they left together and Dan disappeared for two weeks.”

Phil hissed when he heard that, a bad feeling in his stomach that said he already knew where this story was going. People were warned so often not to go home together with someone else from a club like this if they didn’t know them very well, because sadly there were always black sheep out there that did not play after the rules once out of the establishment.

“We don’t know much about what happened in these two weeks because Dan doesn’t talk about it much, but the police finally found him and he’s never been the same after that. He doesn’t have to really talk about it though anyway, the injuries on his body gave most of what had happened away. The sick pervert had turned him into his own personal sex slave.”

PJ stopped at that point and took a few deep breaths to get his rage under control. “He’s going to hate me if he ever finds out that I told you all of this.”

“He’ll never find out, at least not from me,” Phil promised him, not knowing what else to say. He was too shocked about what he had just heard. Of course he had known that Dan had issues, that unpleasant things had happened to him in the past, but he had never thought that it had been this bad. He busied himself with making them tea again. What else could he possibly do?

Neither Phil nor PJ found sleep again. They both stayed in the lounge for the rest of the night and the early morning hours, drinking tea and watching TV, sometimes having quiet conversations but not bringing up the previous topic anymore. At 10 a.m. PJ decided to check up on Dan.

“He’s not going to leave the room on his own today.”

Phil was in the kitchen, putting dishes inside the dishwasher, when he heard them in the hallway and he poked his head out of the doorframe.

“Good morning, Dan.” He forced a smile on his face, his words sounding cheerful when in reality he just felt empty inside. 

Dan, who was a tall person, looked smaller than Phil had ever seen him before. He had his eyes averted to the floor, his entire posture screaming that he did not want to be where he was right now. PJ held him by the elbow and Phil was sure that if he didn’t, Dan would run back into his room in seconds. His hair was ruffled and his t-shirt looked too big on him and all that Phil wanted to do was hug him and tell him that everything would be okay, that he could never hurt him, like he did last night. He couldn’t do that though, and so instead he left the hollow smile plastered on his face and asked if they preferred pancakes or waffles for breakfast.

“Waffles would be lovely, am I right Dan?” PJ asked carefully. 

The nod with which Dan answered was small enough to nearly not be noticed if Phil hadn’t looked out for it. 

“Make yourself comfortable in the lounge guys, I’ll take care of it and bring you something to drink. Hot chocolate good with you?”

After PJ had again asked Dan’s opinion on hot chocolate- and Phil saw what he was doing there, giving Dan choices, showing him that he was in control of something as trivial as food- he watched them retreat to the lounge and hoped that Dan would accept the food and drinks he was about to prepare. PJ was with him though, and that was what Dan required to accept food from others, so he was hopefully fine with it. 

As he made the batter for the waffles and warmed the milk for the hot chocolate, he couldn’t stop thinking about the haunted look in Dan’s eyes and PJ’s words and wondered what kind of person Dan had been before it all had happened. He wanted to get to know that person and he wanted to show Dan that he had nothing to fear when he was with him, but those were thoughts for another day. For now all that counted was to make sure that Dan was alright and knew that he was safe.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go do your homework before you read the next chaper, guys. There's already two of you who abandoned it when the last chapter went online. It's not like I did not abandon all university responsibilities to write this next chapter either...(I totally did.) Thank you again for your kind and amazing comments, they really mean the world to me. As always, I hope you enjoy this next chapter! :)

Dan felt weak. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to drink. He didn’t want to move. What he wanted to do was stay in bed all day and sleep for the rest of his life, but PJ was having none of it. His friend had stayed with him the entire weekend, hadn’t left him alone for more than half an hour and together with Phil, he felt like he had two guard dogs watching his every move. It was unsettling.

Then he had dragged himself to university on Monday and Tuesday, but when he came home PJ wasn’t there anymore and being on his own was a daunting thought at the moment, so even though Phil was in the living room, Dan stayed there as well, not ready to face his empty room just yet. They hadn’t talked about the nightmare although he imagined that Phil must have so many questions and whenever he remembered what had happened- although his memory of the events was fuzzy- he wanted the earth to swallow him up. Phil had seen him at his weakest. He had begged him not to hurt him. He had fallen to his knees. At this point he was more horrified about doing what he had done than the fact that Phil had been inside his room without his permission. 

On Wednesday, Dan was on his way home from therapy. He unlocked the entrance door to the apartment building and was surprised to see Phil coming down the stairs. 

“Are you going somewhere?” He lowered his eyes as they stood in front of each other. 

“It’s Wednesday, I’m on my way to the library for reading with the kids.”

Dan nodded in acknowledgement. That was a thing Phil did, still did it after all the months when Dan had met him at the library for the second time. That meant that Phil wouldn’t be home this evening and Dan would be on his own. PJ was on a date with his girlfriend and who else was he to call? None of the friends he had were the ones he would just call up to hang out with. There was no one around to stop the thoughts that would creep into his mind when he was alone. 

“Have fun,” he replied half-heartedly and made to step to the side to pass Phil by.

“You could join me if you want to. Unless you have anything to do or just simply don’t want to spend your evening with annoying children pestering you to sit on your lap, which I could totally understand.”

Dan didn’t even have to think about it. “I’d love to come with you.”

They didn’t speak on the way to the library. Not when they went to the next underground station, not when they walked down the narrow stairs or got inside the tube, not when they got out and took the elevator up. 

“Gladis!” Phil smiled brightly as he entered the library and greeted the librarian more than enthusiastically. “How have you been this past week?”

“Same as ever, same as ever. How was your week, Philip?” She affectionately patted his arm and Dan watched their interactions from a distance. “Should I help you set up the chairs?”

“No thanks Gladis, I brought someone else to help tonight.”

Dan waved awkwardly at the elderly woman that was now coming his way and looking him up and down curiously. “He’s a handsome one,” she said to Phil and turned around to Dan to shake his hand. “I’m Gladis, it’s so good to meet you. Have you been here before? Your face looks familiar.”

When they were in the safety of the room with the children books in them, Phil grinned sheepishly. “Sorry about her, she’s always very overenthusiastic.”

“I think she’s lovely, Philip,” Dan mocked the old lady’s voice and his eyes widened in panic. “I didn’t mea-“, but his words were unnecessary as Phil just laughed at them. 

“She’s the only one calling me by my full name. Can you help me with the chairs?”

When they had everything set up, Phil searched for a specific book in the shelves and the first children with their parents started to trickle in, the small ones running to Phil and hugging him around his knees- because they weren’t much bigger than that- and their parents watching them with fond smiles. Dan looked on in amusement as every child tried to capture Phil’s attention and when it was 7 o’clock, he told them all to sit on the chairs and opened the book he had in his lap. Dan stayed with the parents in the back, but listening to Phil tell the story of a frog that had lost its voice and was on a journey to find it again, he became just as entranced with his voice as the children did. It was low and soothing and Phil gave every character its own voice, acted out what was happening with big hand gestures. The children loved him, and apparently so did the parents. 

The reading lasted for forty-five minutes and afterwards there were drinks and snacks provided by the library and parents talked with each other while Phil was again most of the time occupied with the children, playing with them and even accepting a drawing from one of the girls who had specifically made it for him.

When the last guests were gone, Dan was quick to help Phil put all the seats away.

“The children absolutely love you,” he said into the quietness of the room, the only other thing that could be heard were the chairs being moved. He looked at Phil and there was a smile on the other man’s face that he had never seen before. 

“It’s just nice to every once in a while spend time with children. They are still so innocent and honest and after a hard day at work, they make me forget what I was so bitter about. I don’t get paid for doing this, but seeing them smile and excitedly tell me about their week is enough of a payment for me.” Dan nodded and they went after their tasks in silence again. Maybe, Dan thought to himself, Phil Lester really was a good person after all.  
___

They both hadn’t expected the rain when getting out of the underground station few minutes away from their home, and even though they were running as fast as they possibly could, they looked like drowned rats once inside the safety of their home.

“Oh my god, is your hair curly?” Phil asked in surprise after Dan had towelled the excess water out of his hair, “that’s adorable.”

Dan blushed furiously at the words and disappeared into his room as quickly as possible, plugging in the straightener even though it was late already and he had nowhere else to go that night. Phil had called him adorable. Dan wasn’t sure if that was an endearment that he was comfortable hearing from anyone, a dominant none the less. Was adorable something that you could just say to another person. Could it possibly imply something, maybe attractiveness? The last thing Dan wanted to be for Phil was attractive. With practiced movements he straightened his hair again, hoping that he just read too much into this situation.

Later he found himself in the lounge and his eyelids were heavy, but he refused to go to sleep. Whenever he closed his eyes, the nightmare from days ago still played behind his eyelids and he didn’t want to see any of it. 

Phil was sitting at the dining table reading the newspaper while Dan was lying on the couch and watching the muted baking show that was on TV. 

“Have you heard about the cow that thinks it’s a dog?” Phil asked out of the blue. “There’s this really funny article about it.”

“No, can’t say I have.”

“Should I read it to you?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

Phil started reading. His voice again sounded soft and deep like when he was reading to the children, even though it was an article in a newspaper. Dan couldn’t help but close his eyes and concentrated on the words. 

“Dan? DAN!”

Dan jolted upwards on the couch and looked around in panic before realizing where he was. Phil was still sitting on the dining table with the newspaper in his hands. “Did you just fall asleep while I read to you?”

The younger one felt his face heat up. “I- I’m sorry,” he stumbled over the words and scratched his neck, very embarrassed by the situation. “This must sound really stupid but- your reading voice is really soothing.”

Phil looked at him in understanding. “You haven’t really slept much since moving in hear, have you?”

Dan shook his head. Phil already knew, there was no denying it, and he feared that the next topic he’d bring up was Dan’s nightmare from the weekend, but at least Phil spared him that embarrassment. 

“I can read to you until you fall asleep, if that’s what you want.”

“What?”

“Well, if you think my reading voice is calming and helps you actually fall asleep, then I don’t mind reading to you. You can just give me a book you like and I’ll sit down outside your room and read it aloud until you fall asleep. It’s worth a try, isn’t it?”

So Dan got ready for bed after not rejecting Phil’s idea- maybe he was too tired to argue at this point, because honestly the idea was stupid- and from the books stacked in his bedroom he pulled out one particular one without thinking about it and put it into Phil’s hands, who was standing in front of his room with an encouraging smile on his face.

“Any particular reason you picked this book?” he asked Dan with what sounded like genuine interest.

“It’s my favourite,” the other boy muttered and quickly pulled his arms away from the book as soon as Phil’s fingers touched it.

Dan turned off the ceiling light and turned on his bedside lamp and crawled quickly into bed while listening to Phil shuffle around in the hallway. It sounded like he was sitting down on the floor. He himself got under the covers and wrapped himself up tightly with a pounding heart. He didn’t particularly like the idea of Phil sitting right in front of his bedroom. He blocked his escape route that way. Also the thought of falling asleep with an open door, while the dominant was literally meters away from him, made him uncomfortable. It was like an open invitation to come in and attack while he was asleep. But then Dan remembered how Phil had treated the kids with care and gentleness and- no Dan, don’t let your guard down, never let your guard down. He knew better than anyone else how the niceness of a person could be a simple act. 

“Are you ready?” Phil asked from the hallway and Dan could hear the sound of pages being turned.

“Yes,” he answered, not daring to talk above a whisper. He didn’t dare close his eyes. It would make him feel too vulnerable. And then Phil started to talk.

“August 25, 1991

Dear friend,

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn’t try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don’t try to figure out who she is because then you might figure out who I am, and I really don’t want you to do that. I will call people by different names or generic names because I don’t want you to find me. I didn’t enclose a return address for the same reason. I mean nothing bad by this. Honest.”  
___

Phil stopped reading after five pages. He looked at the worn-out copy of ‘The Perks Of Being A Wallflower’ in his hands and listened for any sounds coming out of Dan’s room that weren’t his regular breathing. He seemed to have fallen asleep. Thank god.

The older man got up from the floor and felt some bones crack in his body. He was exhausted himself from a hard day at work. He poked his head through the doorframe to check on Dan one more time. He looked peaceful right now in his sleep and Phil could only pray that there wouldn’t be another nightmare tonight. Dan still didn’t look him in the eyes, still shied away from his touch, but Phil felt like today they had taken a step into the right direction together.

He watched Dan sleep for a while, the way the younger man’s mouth was parted and his hair- it was naturally curly, how cute was that?- fell in front of his face. Phil decided to let the light on the nightstand turned on although he could have easily reached it from his position. He laid the book on the floor and vowed to himself to read it as soon as possible, because he wanted to get to know Dan, wanted to get to know the books he liked and what music he listened to when he was happy, what music he listened to when he was sad. Phil closed the bedroom door as quietly as he could and went into his own room, shooting PJ a quick text message about the progress they had made tonight after he had tugged himself into bed. He turned on his alarm clock to wake him for tomorrow’s day of work and closed his eyes. In the minutes that he was still awake before succumbing to sleep, he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Dan actually fell asleep to him reading. It didn’t mean that Dan was comfortable around him in any way, but it did make a hot tingly feeling of joy spark in Phil’s chest and he was sure that with patience and time, they’d eventually get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can now vote for this fic in the 2015 phanfic awards for 'Best Storyline'. So if you want to, [click right here](http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/post/113541935645/phanfic-awards-2015-nominations), go to 'Best Storyline', select 'Those Who Trust- theshyauthor' and cast your vote. If you do so, thank you from the bottom of my heart.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, sorry. Thanks for the lovely comments<3 I've now finished a rough draft of the story and have come to the conclusion that it will be 24 chapters long + an epilogue. :) Hope you enjoy! :)

Dan was nervous, but in the best way possible. It was his second time at the Dungeon and PJ was by his side, a newfound friend who he very much liked. He could feel the coolness of the chain bracelet around his wrist and hear the loud music, feel the bass vibrating through his body. The first time he hadn’t been brave enough to go with a dominant, had stuck to staying at the bar and watching, but tonight he was ready. 

It didn’t take long for a dominant to approach him and PJ, who were talking at the bar. He was well-built and kind-looking and Dan secretly hoped for this man to show him the world of pleasure and pain. They got invited to drinks from him before the offer to join him in a private room got voiced. PJ excused himself. Dan agreed. They talked on the couch provided in the room for a while, discussed safewords and boundaries and once Dan was cuffed to the St. Andrew’s cross, his heart beat as fast as it had never beaten before, from nervousness and arousal. Dan had never come this hard in his entire life as he did that night, not once but twice.

The following week, Dan returned with PJ by his side again to the Dungeon, no sight of nerves anymore, just pure excitement. He bounced on his heels and he laughed at jokes, talked to different submissives and dominants, watched some public scenes. It was a tall dominant that asked Dan to come with him into the private rooms that night, but as hard as Dan tried, he couldn’t see his face, which was extremely frustrating. Dan agreed, of course he agreed. The stranger was charming and made him compliments and when Dan was on his knees in the private room and choking on the stranger’s cock, fingers tugged harshly on his chestnut-brown strands of hair and gave him a feeling of comfort. 

Dan met the man at the club week after week and always went with him. He enjoyed the scenes they did although sometimes he did feel like wanting to safeword. But when that happened, he just bit his tongue and tasted the acid blood in his mouth. The pleasure was always worth the pain in the end. 

On one Friday night Dan was bound to the wall by chains and the whip stroked over his back and ass over and over again and he had finally found his point, finally had enough. “Home.” He said the word loud and clearly, but the pain didn’t stop, turned into a laughter instead and the wall before his eyes started to wobble, forming into a white ceiling and he was lying on a bed, a bed with green and blue bedding that was familiar to him from looking into a room he had never entered and there were cuffs around his wrists that dug into his skin too deep, too painfully and something in his mouth that made it hard to breathe, made it impossible to speak. 

Panic was settling in his chest, pressing against his ribcage like the weight of another person that was too heavy, that made it hard to breathe.

Dan trashed around in his bindings and the words came out muffled, tears stinging in his eyes. He saw Phil coming out of his walk-in closet and Dan wanted to ask him for help, because Phil was here and Phil was going to get him out, wasn’t he? But there was a harsh smile on Phil’s face that Dan had never seen like this before and he spoke in a threateningly low voice that Dan had heard him talk in once or twice already, and a flogger was in his hands and Dan knew that something was terribly wrong. He felt like he was drugged, the entire room around him was shaking, and Phil came closer. Dan wanted to back away, but he couldn’t and then he finally listened to Phil, heard not only his voice but also the words the other man said. 

“You and I, Dan, we’re going to have so much fun together.”  
___

Dan sat up in bed with heavy breathing, cold sweat of fear covering his skin, making the shirt he was wearing stick to his body. It was a dream, only a dream. He’s alright, he can deal with this, he’s had them before- but not like this, never like this. 

His heart was beating rapidly fast against his chest and he turned on the nightlight to chase the darkness and the shadows lurking in the corners of his room away. The screen on his mobile phone told him that it was 03:53 on October 23rd. He still had few hours to sleep before getting up for university, but the idea of even closing his eyes and dreaming again made him shiver, so Dan got out of bed. He opened the door very slowly, just a crack, and listened. When he was convinced that there were no noises coming from the hallway, he dared to leave his room. Phil’s bedroom door was closed and Dan held his breath while passing. Just don’t wake him up.

He tiptoed into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face before going into the kitchen and making himself tea. The kettle was whistling and even though the sound wasn’t loud, he was still concerned that it could wake Phil up. He wasn’t sure if he could face the other man right now.

With his finished tea, Dan made his way to the lounge and turned on the TV on low volume, popped in a DVD of an anime show he was currently watching and made himself comfortable on the couch, as far as that was possible with the way his muscles were tense at the moment. He didn’t pay attention to the subtitles, instead he was thinking about his dream.

Things between Phil and him had been good for the last few weeks, or as good as they could be. Sometimes Dan allowed him to read to him until he fell asleep, but not often. Every now and again they watched a movie together or Phil challenged Dan to a game, always reminding him to not lose on purpose before they started playing. Dan was still on edge, always careful around the dominant, but he found himself lowering his walls from time to time, something that worried him. Only last week he had been drinking from a bottle in the morning that he had left in the lounge overnight. He only noticed his mistake afterwards, the fact that it had been opened the night before and unattended for hours, that Phil could have done anything to it, and had called PJ in panic. 

The nightmare had thrown him off. He knew that he got irritated more and more with every passing day that Halloween was coming closer, but he couldn’t help it. It would have been a year then, the first anniversary of being taken hostage for two weeks. Dan shuddered when thinking about it. The bad dreams had increased over the last few weeks, but at least he wasn’t woken up by someone else touching him, his screams have seemed to stop. 

No matter how hard Dan tried, he couldn’t stop remembering the images provided by his brain while he had been asleep. He had never been inside Phil’s room before and he felt sick at the thought of what the dominant really could have hidden inside the walk-in closet. It was a thought that had latched itself onto his mind since he moved in, but he had managed to ignore it for the most parts. Now though, not knowing was almost as horrible as knowing and having his worst fears come true. 

“What are you doing up already?”

Dan violently flinched and his head whipped around to see Phil standing at the doorframe, his sleeping pants hung dangerously low, his glasses were askew and his hair was standing in all directions in a messy quiff. He felt Phil watching him closely, knew that the other man must have noticed the paleness of his skin and the blood-shot eyes, the way he probably looked like a startled rabbit.

“Hey, are you alright?” And his voice was full of concern, such a harsh difference to the Phil in his dreams and Dan wanted to cry again, because he didn’t know which of them the real Phil was.

“I’m fine.” His voice was hoarse and neither he nor Phil believed his words, but the other man didn’t question his answer and with a yawn made his way to the bathroom. Dan wanted to crawl under the safety of his blankets again, but if Phil was up already that meant that it was already 6 a.m. and he might as well get ready for university then.  
___

The day had been dreadful afterwards. Just the thought of going on a public transport after his nightmare made Dan feel sick and so he opted for a taxi instead with a sleazy taxi driver that made him feel uncomfortable the entire ride. He couldn’t pay attention to anything said in his lectures or classes and PJ had to cancel their plans for lunch, which meant that when Dan came home in the evening, he hadn’t eaten a thing the entire day. The meal he had bought himself at the supermarket to heat in the microwave tasted like nothingness and didn’t improve his mood either. 

“I’m going out tonight,” Phil announced in passing. He seemed to be in a bad mood as well, only having a half-hearted smile to spare for Dan. 

“Where are you going?”

“To the Dungeon.”

“Oh.” Dan ducked his head and left the lounge quickly after that, having forgotten that it was a Friday evening already. 

In his room he did some homework but couldn’t concentrate. The dream was still circulating in his head. Phil was gone for the night, maybe Dan could- no, no way. He couldn’t possibly sneak into Phil’s room and take a look inside his closet. That would go against Phil’s privacy. And what if Dan did find nothing at all? Then he could probably sleep easier at night. But if he did find what he thought he would? He knew that he would never be able to peacefully sleep again with Phil only one wall away- as if he’s slept absolutely peacefully once since moving in here anyway.

No, Dan would not break into Phil’s room. Or technically just enter it, there was no breaking in required after all.

Phil left around eight, said goodbye to Dan quickly. Usually he would have asked if Dan was alright before leaving, he must have had a really rough day at work or in general to act the way he did. Dan had thought about asking him what was wrong, had thrown the idea away though because why should he care? The thought that Phil was in a bad mood made him uneasy.

The second Dan knew that Phil had left the house, the forbidden thoughts returned to his head. Phil would be gone for hours, he’d never notice Dan sneaking in. It would be quick, just to calm or confirm his worries. There was absolutely nothing wrong with doing something that could calm his nerves, right? And when did these thoughts turn from being wrong into being right anyway?

This was a bad idea, wasn’t it? Dan’s pulse was rapid as he stood in front of the door to Phil’s room. It was covered in darkness, he could only see the shapes of the bed, the furniture and the trinkets he had standing around in there. Dan didn’t dare turn on the lights. 

It took a few steps to stand in front of the door to the walk-in closet, which was closed. Dan’s hand shook as he opened it, being met by even more darkness. Phil’s room had been lit by the lights coming from outside, but his closet was completely dark. Dan turned on the light and squinted, his eyes needing time to adjust.

The racks were filled with colourful shirts hanging on colourful coat-hangers, a harsh contrast to Dan’s own clothes. Shoes were neatly lined up along one wall and all kind of pants lay folded on shelves. So far, Dan couldn’t see anything out of the loop.

He opened up the first drawer to his right and blushed as he looked down at Phil’s underwear, quickly closing that drawer again. In the next out of the three drawers, he found socks with all kind of patterns lazily thrown in. The sight of this explained to him why Phil never wore the same pair of socks, finding two of the same in that mess was impossible.

By now Dan’s heartbeat had slowed down again, he was almost calm. He closed the middle drawer and opened the last one- just to look at handcuffs, blindfolds and gags, other sextoys and a flogger just like the one in his dreams. His blood ran cold.

Dan could hear the thrumming of his heart in his ears. His hands were shaking. He should close the drawer, turn off the lights and leave, but he couldn’t. It felt like his entire body was filled with tiny stones weighing him down, making it hard to move. He had been sleeping next to someone the entire time that could easily have come over and cuffed him. He had to call PJ. He had to ask him if he could sleep at his place, at least for the night. How could he possibly stay?

He had been so preoccupied with what he sawthat he hadn’t heard the keys in the front door, the footsteps coming up the stairs and down the hallway. He felt, however, the presence that suddenly was looming over him, that hadn’t been there before, trapping him in the small space of the walk-in closet. He turned around and his heart felt like it dropped out of his chest and onto the floor.

Phil was standing above him, just stood there with obvious anger written all over the face and his voice was low and dangerous as he spoke.

“It’s really not nice to go through other people’s stuff without their permission, Dan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can now vote for this fic in the 2015 phanfic awards for 'Best Storyline'. So if you want to, [click right here](http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/post/113541935645/phanfic-awards-2015-nominations), go to 'Best Storyline', select 'Those Who Trust- theshyauthor' and cast your vote. If you do so, thank you from the bottom of my heart.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you do your homework? Study for that test? If yes, here's your reward, if no- well I can't stop you from reading this either, can I?  
> Here's 4k words for you, thank you for all your lovely comments <3 Hope you enjoy! :)

“W-what are y-you doing ba-back?” Dan stuttered over his words as they got stuck in his throat. He looked up at the tall man as he shuffled backwards on hands and feet, until his back hit the wall behind him and his head was hidden by shirts that smelled like Phil and their shared washing powder. 

“I forgot my phone and came back to get it, but what’s more important is what are you doing here?”

Phil stepped closer. Dan pressed himself closer to the wall. His entire body was trembling and there was nowhere to go, he was trapped, the drawer with the toys was still open, almost like an invitation for Phil to use. The pictures of the nightmare flashed before his eyes again, Phil with a whip in his hand and a twisted grin on his lips. 

_You’ve always been a tease Howell, it’s time someone puts you into your place._

Dan squeezed his eyes shut as Phil stood before him now, curled up enough to only reach to his mid-thigh. If he had his eyes open, he could have seen the details of the threats in his black skinny jeans, looked up just a bit more to see the dangerously glinting silver zip and button. His head hurt and it was hard to breathe. 

“What did you want to do with my toys, Dan? Did you want to play with them like a naughty boy, things that are not even yours, and don’t invite me to watch?”

Phil was talking slowly as if to a child and his voice was a threat to Dan, and there was no air to breathe in the walk-in closet, how was he supposed to breathe?

“Ple-please,” he chocked out between dry lips.

“Please what? Please play with me, Phil?”

Dan’s heart felt like it shattered and he shook his head from left to right and back again frantically. “No, no no no.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks and dripping from his chin, got soaked up by the fabric of his black shirt. This couldn’t be happening again, please not again. Sobs wrecked his entire body and he didn’t know how to supress them, how to stop- how to stop crying, how to stop shaking, how to stop breathing. 

“One more time Dan, if I find you sneaking around my stuff one more damn time, I’ll teach you a lesson or two.” The words were spit out harshly and Dan whined, pressed his knees against his chest harder and hid his face. 

He heard the footsteps and the light in the walk-in closet was turned off, the door left wide open and after a few more seconds it was quiet in the apartment, except for Dan’s sobs. He didn’t dare move, stayed curled up in a ball surrounded by clothes that smelled like the person he was so scared of returning. He was there for what felt like hours, and when he uncurled himself it was still hard to breathe and his muscles hurt and he scurried inside his room, closed the door behind him and placed his nightstand in front of it, and his chair and all the books he could find. Still trembling like a leaf he slid down onto the floor next to the bed, wrapped his arms around himself and hiccupped, refusing to let the door out of sight of his bloodshot eyes.   
___

Phil had properly fucked up, he knew that the minute he woke up with a headache from hell and the feeling in his mouth of being gagged by a dead mouse. Last night’s details were a blur to him. He remembered returning for his phone and finding Dan in his closet and how angry he had gotten. It had already been a hard day at work and he was ready to blow off some steam, all the emotions over the entire day had gathered inside his mind, and seeing the younger one on knees frozen before Phil’s toy drawer had been the final straw. After that, there’s not much to remember. Phil had decided to go to a club instead of the Dungeon, his emotions too dangerous to lay the safety of a submissive into his hands, had gotten drunk and fucked a guy in a back alley two blocks from the club. And now that he was awake, he regretted most of it- not the one-night stand, because the guy had definitely had some skills, but getting drunk and- oh fuck, Dan.

His legs were out of bed before his mind caught up to him and Phil stood in the hallway, banged his fists against the white door until his knuckles hurt.

“Dan, are you in there? Can you hear me? Please, we need to talk.”

There was only quiet on the other side. 

Phil checked his phone, ready to be bombarded by thousands of angry text messages from PJ, but there was nothing. He remembered the sobbing last night, how Dan had been curled up behind Phil’s clothes and shaking- he wasn’t still inside there, was he? Phil looked inside of his closet only to blow out a sigh of relief. There was no sign of Dan, which meant that he had to be in his room. Phil would have loved nothing more than to open it and look inside, but he knew that right now that probably wasn’t the best idea, so instead he went to the kitchen and got himself an aspirin against the headache. Dan had to leave his room eventually, and when he did, Phil would talk to him.  
___

As it turned out, Dan had ninja skills that he had never talked to Phil about, and the bladder of an elephant. Not once did he leave his room for the entire Saturday and Phil was kind of worried. He knocked a few more times, tried to get him to talk to him. He called PJ, preparing himself for being screamed at, but as it seems, Dan hadn’t confided in his best friend. With every passing second Phil felt like a more horrible person, especially knowing to some extent what Dan had gone through in the past. For a while he was even worried that Dan was not even in his room and had left the apartment, but then he heard the sound of sobbing once, and was almost relieved- only almost though, because Dan crying alone in his room and knowing that he was the reason for it made him feel even more like scum. 

The next time Phil actually saw Dan was on Wednesday when he came home from the library. He was surprised to hear the voices coming from the lounge upon entering the apartment. PJ was there, greeting Phil enthusiastically- so Dan really hadn’t said a word to him- and Dan sat on the couch, his arms wrapped around a pillow that he pressed hard against his chest. He was frowning at something, looking displeased. 

“What are you doing on Halloween, Phil?” PJ asked and from the corner of his eyes, Phil could see Dan slowly shaking his head at his friend. 

Phil shrugged his shoulders. “Some friends from work and I decided to do something, but we’re not sure what.”

PJ’s entire face lit up. “You and your friends should totally join us as we’re going to a scary amusement park with a Haunted House. It’s going to be so much fun.”

“I’m not going,” Dan said meekly, but PJ just brushed his words off. “Of course you’re going. I’m not going to leave you at home sulking on Halloween of all days.” 

“Sounds like a fun plan, I’ll ask my friends but I’m sure they’ll agree,” Phil chimed in and PJ’s grin widened even more. “The more the merrier.”

Phil left the friends in the lounge and retreated to his room after that. He was reading a book on his bed when he heard the knock on the door before it opened and PJ walked right in, not even waiting for an invitation. When had it become a thing for people to just enter his room without permission? The look of excitement PJ had shown in the lounge earlier was now completely gone. “I have to hurry up because Dan’s only at the toilet real quick, but did something happen? He seems really off since a few days.”

“I fucked up, PJ,” Phil admitted. “On Friday I was on my way to the Dungeon and I’ve had a really rough day, forgot my phone and when I returned I found Dan rummaging through my closet. He was just sitting on the floor with the drawer open that holds some toys and I snapped, said some things I shouldn’t have said. He cowered in my closet like an abused animal, it was horrible. I’ve tried talking to him since, but he’s been avoiding me and I don’t know how to fix it.”

PJ frowned at that. “He never mentioned anything.”

“That just proofs how majorly I fucked it all up, doesn’t it?”

The other man looked over his shoulder to make sure Dan hadn’t returned yet. “Listen, I’ll talk to him, alright? And you and I, we’ll have a talk as well, but not right now. We’ll fix this. Just- don’t do that again.”

Phil nodded. “I’m really sorry.”

“I’m not the one you should tell that.”

“I know.”  
___

Dan used to love Halloween. He had loved decorating for it, carving out pumpkins and watching horror movies, attending Halloween parties and getting drunk there. 

Dan used to love Halloween, until last year. And with every day that passed, every hour that the date came closer he felt more distressed. Halloween had been the beginning of the nightmare that had never stopped, and if he could, he would curl up under blankets and just wait for the day to pass. PJ wouldn’t have any of that, though. That’s why he found himself at a scary amusement park, in front of a haunted house with a group of friends from university and strangers- Phil’s colleagues from work. One of them, Louise, had immediately taken a liking to him and had not stopped chatting to him ever since they met an hour ago. Always having to listen, to pay attention to someone, only increased Dan’s anxiety. All he wanted to do was retreat to the back of his mind and pray for this night to be over. 

It was also the first time in a week that he spent more than five minutes in close proximity of Phil. He’d been hiding from him, even more so than when he had first moved in, because he was truly terrified. Phil had been furious with him, his words had cut Dan deep. Sleep had been out of question most of the time after it had happened, and he didn’t even dare tell PJ about it. How could he possibly explain to him why he was searching for what he was searching for? PJ wouldn’t understand. No one would understand. 

He was shaking like a leaf when they stood in front of the Haunted House, a group of sixteen people, fifteen of them buzzing in excitement, one in fear. 

“Relax Dan, they are not allowed to touch you in there,” Chris had laughed when he had caught on to Dan’s discomfort, but little did he know that the actors jumping out of them where his smallest problem. Sure it would be dark in there, and he did not like the idea of people scaring him, but what really made him shiver was that he couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened three hundred sixty-five days ago. The confusion. The pain. The fear. 

When they entered the Haunted House, they were immediately covered in almost-darkness and had to discover that they could either go left or right, choose their own way, their own path. 

They chose the right path, and Dan’s heart beat rapidly fast when they entered the next room with bright flashing green lights. He was already disoriented and wanted nothing more than to turn around and go back outside as soon as the first actor jumped out at them. Maybe no one would notice. Some of the group laughed, some of them screamed, Dan just bit his lips and refrained from making a single sound. 

The problem with Haunted Houses that turned out to be a maze inside as well was that people got easily lost. Dan didn’t mind that, the less people he was surrounded by the better, but once PJ had suddenly disappeared was the time that tears started to sting in his eyes. PJ was his safety vest in the middle of a rough ocean, and now that he was gone, Dan felt like drowning. Soon after, Dan was alone in the Haunted House, without any of the fifteen people he had come with. He had lost them all somewhere along the way in the darkness. When he came to another crossing, Dan had the feeling that he’s been here before, and turned to the left. Sometimes he thought he could hear footsteps behind him, but when he turned around, there was no one there. 

Dan started to panic, just a bit. It felt like someone was watching him, but the room he was in now was dark and he couldn’t see, and the thoughts of what happened exactly one year ago, of what anniversary today was, kept swirling around in his mind. 

There were curtains and arrows pointing towards them and he slipped through them to find himself in a white-tiled room that was dimly lit, with fake blood on the walls. Body bags where hanging from the ceiling. Chains were hanging from the walls. Dan wanted to throw up.

He wasn’t in the Haunted House anymore, because all of a sudden he was disoriented, lying on the floor of a room, shackles around his wrists, chains on the walls, and he didn’t know what was happening anymore.

Dan took a step back, shook his head from side to side, and he heard the familiar sound of the chains clinking, could almost feel them wrapped around his skin, and then there was a person in front of him and he couldn’t see their face covered by a mask, but their hands held chains in them as well and they were approaching, and Dan screamed. He was crying now, stumbling backwards, trying to get away, but strong arms wrapped around him from behind and he couldn’t move anymore, he was trapped, and the sound of chains still hurt his ears.

“No, please, let me go home please.”

“Dan!”

_Always such a tease._

“Is he alright?”

“Where’s your closest emergency exit?”

The arms picked him up and carried him around like a ragdoll, and he could feel hot breath against his ear, tried to shrink away from it. “It’s okay, don’t worry, you’re okay.”

_Don’t worry Dan, I’ll teach you how to be really good for me._

“Ple-ase, I j-just want ‘o go h-ome!”

___

Phil didn’t like to admit it, but he had been following Dan inside the Haunted House without the younger man noticing. He’d just been really worried about him and Dan seemed on edge, Phil had just wanted to make sure that he’d be okay. In the beginning he had felt bad about it, but the second he saw Dan’s shoulders tense and heard the hitch in his breath when he entered the next room, Phil knew he had made the right decision.

And now he was outside of the Haunted House, had left through a back exit and calmed down a distressed actor who felt guilty for Dan’s panic attack, and sat with a crying Dan wrapped up in his arms, who begged him to be allowed to go home and made his heart hurt. He didn’t think that Dan even knew where he was or what was happening, but he at least wanted to make the younger man’s request come true and quickly wrote PJ a text message telling him that him and Dan had left, before leaving the premises of the scary entertainment park with a sobbing Dan in his arms to fetch them a taxi. 

It was there that Dan finally seemed to come back to himself, realized his surroundings. He was still tense, but the hysterical crying had stopped, something that Phil was glad of. Their taxi driver gave them concerned looks through the rear-view mirror but didn’t say a word.

Inside their apartment, Phil was busy hanging up his coat when Dan quickly hasted up the stairs and turned left down the hallway on his way to his room.

“Can you come to the lounge, please?” Phil asked in what he hoped was a soothing voice. “I think we really need to talk.”

He watched as Dan stood still for a few seconds, before slowly turning around and following Phil’s request, always following orders. He sat down on one of the dining chairs and Phil took the one next to him. Dan’s eyes were glued on the floor. 

“I want to apologize for what happened last week. I shouldn’t have said the things I said, and I’m really sorry for scaring you. Can you forgive me?”

Dan nodded. There were still tears occasionally running down his cheeks. He was still shaking and his upper-lip was still suspiciously trembling, as if he was ready to burst into tears again any second. 

“Still, could you please explain to me what exactly you were doing in my closet?” 

Phil watched as Dan opened his mouth, but closed it again as if not finding the right words to say. He cleared his throat and tried a second time. “It’s complicated. You must think me insane at this point.”

“No Dan, no. I don’t think you’re crazy, just hurt in a way that I don’t understand yet, but I want to in order to help you.”

“I met him at the Dungeon.”

“What?”

“You wanted to know how I ended up in your closet, I’m telling you.” His voice was hoarse and he sniffed, took the sleeves of his sweater to rub his cheeks dry. Phil held his breath. 

“I met him there the second time I went and he was perfect. Nice, caring, maybe a little too rough in the private rooms but I never complained. And today one year ago, he asked if I wanted to come to his place. I was stupid enough to agree.” Dan laughed, it sounded bitter and pained. “He got me something to drink, red wine, and I was surprised by the fact that after half a glass I already seemed to feel the alcohol. I lost control over my body, in the end I lost my consciousness. When I woke up next, I was in a basement. There were chains. I don’t like chains anymore.” 

“The panic attack in the Haunted House was triggered by the decorative chains?”

“By the chains and the fact that I can’t forget that today one year ago it all happened. He told me that I had been teasing him, that I was a bad sub with no respect, but he would teach me. He told me that it was unacceptable for me to look into his eyes, I was beneath him, it wasn’t my place to do that. He ignored my safeword, kept me down there for two weeks before the police found me. He’s in prison now.”

Dan was quiet and Phil felt dizzy at the words. It was what PJ had told him already, but hearing the words from Dan himself made them real, made it true, almost as if he had hoped that PJ had been lying to him all along because something like this shouldn’t happen to anyone. 

“I had a dream the other night that I was back in the Dungeon again, met someone there, but I couldn’t see their face. And when I could, I was lying in your bed, you had me tied up and you were coming out of your closet with a whip in your hands,” Dan spoke so fast that he was tripping over his own words now, breaths ragged and hard to understand, “and the thought of that killed me, the idea that you could just come in and tie me up and,” his shaking increased again, “I had to make sure that it wasn’t true, that it was just a dream and there was nothing in your closet but there was and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry please forgive me, please.”

“Dan, hey calm down, it’s alright!” Phil tried to soothe his flatmate. He slid to his knees in front of Dan’s chair, took the other man’s trembling cold fingers in his own hands and squeezed them softly. “It’s alright Dan, take a deep breath, I’m not mad. Shhhh, everything’s alright.”

When Dan seemed to have gotten over the worst, his face was bright red, his eyes puffy. He looked like a mess and Phil wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him for comfort. 

“Thank you for telling me all of this. I can imagine how hard it has to be for you, but I want you to understand a few things. Yes, I do have sex toys in my drawers, some of them used for BDSM play,” he felt Dan tense up and started rubbing circles into the back of his hand with his thumbs, “it’s alright, stay calm please. I’d never ever use them though unless given explicit consent, do you understand? When I play, I play safe, sane and consensual. You’ve heard about those terms before, haven’t you? And Dan, I’m not your superior. I’m a dominant, you’re a submissive- or that’s what you used to be- but when we’re living together, we’re nothing more than flatmates. I don’t need you to fetch me things and I would actually like if you looked me in the eyes. Do you think you can do that Dan, look me in the eyes?”

Phil took his right hand and laid his fingers gently under Dan’s chin. The younger flinched but didn’t shy away, his eyes still glued to his lap. “You’re my equal in every way Dan, I want you to know that.” 

He started rising Dan’s chin slightly and watched as Dan’s eyelids almost fluttered shut to avoid his gaze. But then they opened and Phil looked right into the most beautiful brown eyes he had ever seen, with dots of gold shimmering in them. Their eye-contact lasted for few seconds only, before Dan quickly looked away again.   
___

Dan’s entire body hurt from shaking and he felt like his head was swimming. He had looked into Phil’s eyes, had told him part of what had happened, and now the dominant – you’re my equal in every way Dan- his flatmate was kneeling before him, one hand still under his chin, the other still holding on to his hand and he didn’t know what to think. 

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again if you need me to. I’m never going to hurt you. And I know you might not believe me yet, and you don’t trust me either, but maybe with time you finally will. For now I’m just hoping that we can be friends?”

Dan nodded, not sure what else to say. He felt like whatever had happened the last few hours was nothing but a dream. “I think I’d like that.” And he raised his gaze one more time to look in beautiful blue eyes, that held worry and guilt but also happiness, and even though he couldn’t hold the contact for long, still feared for the strike of pain that never came, for some reason he already longed to look into these irises that seemed to hold the sky and the ocean all at once again.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been a while guys, but I finally got around to finishing a new chapter. Thanks for your comments, they are always much appreciated. Hope you enjoy this new chapter! :)

_Always such a tease, Howell, it’s time to teach you a lesson._

_I’m never going to hurt you._

_You have no right to look me in the eyes; you’re the scum sticking to the soles of my shoes._

_You’re my equal in every way Dan._

It wasn’t easy for Dan after Halloween. November was bleak and dull, a cold month that held nothing but bad memories for him that always lingered in the back of his mind. And then there was the pressure he felt coming from Phil, the pressure of acting comfortable in his proximity, to look him in the eyes when they were talking, pretending to be alright. 

Phil tried to engage him into conversations more often these days, tried to lure him out of his room by having dinner together, watching a movie together, playing video games together. Dan would always agree, not because he wanted to but because he felt like he needed to. But keeping eye-contact during conversations was hard for him, joking during video games felt unnatural and forced and whenever he finally retreated back to his room, he felt exhausted. 

On a rainy Thursday evening he stumbled into the lounge. Dan had woken up from a nap and was still busy with getting the sleep out of his eyes. He had passed Phil in the kitchen, who was making dinner for himself, and was still a bit dizzy from sleep, tripped and knocked with his hip against the dining table.

“Shit,” he muttered and rubbed the sore spot before pushing himself upright again, ready to sit on the couch and read a book when his eyes caught something lying on the table. Tickets. Concert tickets. Concert tickets for Muse, his absolutely favourite band. Dan’s eyes widened at the two tickets just openly lying on the table. He could hear noises coming from the kitchen and quickly averted his eyes and went over to the couch to lie down and read, but couldn’t keep his mind of what he had seen. 

He had anticipated the small talk that Phil had with him once he sat down for dinner. How was his day? How was he doing? Did he enjoy the book he was reading? They always repeated themselves, every day, and Dan’s answers never strayed far from the ones he had given the day before. 

For a few minutes it was quiet, Dan reading his book, Phil eating his dinner and the rain falling against the window being the only sounds filling the room, before Dan couldn’t hold his question back any longer. “Where did the Muse tickets come from?”

“Oh those, I got them for free at work.”

Dan turned around to look at Phil- keep eye-contact, even if it’s just for seconds, it’s what he wants- almost in disbelief. “You got free tickets for a Muse concert from work?”

“Working at the BBC is stressful but it does have its perks sometimes,” Phil mused. “Why, do you like Muse?”

“Like?” Dan asked almost mockingly. “Do I like Muse? They are only the best band to exist.” 

He could see the way Phil’s eyes darted up to the Muse poster hanging over the couch; he didn’t have to ask to know that the older man enjoyed their music as well. 

“Do you want to go with me then?”

“You want me to go to a Muse concert with you?”

“That’s why I’m offering.”

Dan wanted to say yes, he really wanted to, but the thought of going to a concert, with many people around, made him feel uneasy. It would be loud and there would most likely be shoving and touching of strangers and sometimes simply going by underground was too much for him these days, how could he possibly go to a concert?

“What’s troubling you?” Phil asked carefully, obviously having picked up on Dan’s sudden mood change. 

“I don’t think I can go.” Dan turned back to his book and turned around on the couch so his back was towards Phil to stop the conversation. The position was uncomfortable and he felt uneasy with his back exposed to the other man, but Phil got the hint and didn’t press the issue any further.  
___

“No PJ, I already told you. He seemed really excited about it one second and the next he just shut me out again,” Phil explained for what must have been the fifth time by now over the phone. “I owe at least seven people at work now for the tickets. Why does he not want to go?”

“I’m sure he’ll change his mind soon, don’t worry about it.”

“I hope you’re right.”  
___

Two days later the tickets still lay on the dining table and every time Dan passed them, he frowned at them. Sometimes he wondered if he should have agreed to Phil’s offer, but when he tried to talk about it with Phil, something stopped him. Phil must have found a replacement for him by now. The concert was tomorrow, for sure there was someone else he had asked to join him. Dan had already missed his chance.

He wasn’t aware that Phil had been watching him from the other side of the room and startled when the older man spoke to him. “Have you changed your mind yet about joining me for the concert?”

“Is- did you not find anyone else to go with?”

“No, the ticket can still be yours if you want it to be.”

Dan looked down at his fingers, started playing with the hem of his black shirt. 

“You said Muse is your favourite band, so what’s the problem?” Phil pushed on and he sounded genuinely curious. 

“There are going to be a lot of people,” Dan muttered self-consciously. “And it will be really loud. I don’t particularly like crowds anymore.”

“Why don’t we just go there and whenever you feel like you want to leave you just say the word and we go back home?”

Dan looked up from where he was still playing with his shirt. “You wouldn’t mind?” 

He saw Phil smile and shake his head, but couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eyes tonight. “Not at all. If we go there and you’re fine we’ll have a nice evening, and if you decide it gets too much then at least you tried.”

First Dan pressed his lips together to a thin line, still unsure, but Phil looked like his words were spoken in honesty and he found himself nodding slightly, one corner of his mouth etching up into a shy smile. “Then I’d really like to go to the concert with you.”  
___

They were in a taxi and Phil watched as Dan’s left leg bounced up and down restlessly. He would have liked to reach out and lay his hand on it to stop the movement, but knew that the boy next to him would probably take the gesture the wrong way. 

It was obvious that Dan was nervous, not just in the way his leg shook. He chewed on his lip, constantly fixed his fringe, his eyes always shifted around, could never stay focused on something for longer than a few seconds. 

“You’ll be alright, Dan,” Phil tried to encourage him and Dan replied with a weak smile. 

The O2 arena was packed when they arrived there. Phil noticed the way the younger man stayed close behind him, closer than usual, but still far enough away not to touch. He answered questions with one or two syllables only. At one point a teenager bumped into him and Dan just froze. Phil scolded the guy for being careless before urging Dan to move on. 

They waited in the crowd for only half an hour before the concert started, and from the corner of his eyes Phil could see Dan flinch as the volume of the screams picked up along with the music. He never really let him out of sight and was pleased to notice that after three songs, the tension seemed to slowly drain from his shoulders and his jaw wasn’t clenched as tightly anymore. 

That was, until about twenty minutes later, Dan got shoved from behind. Phil’s attention had been on the stage and he only caught Dan by the elbow the very last second before the younger man was lying face down on the floor. Immediately he felt Dan starting to shake, saw how his eyes were wide and his breaths became ragged. Dan had a panic attack.

Without thinking, Phil pulled Dan away from the crowd, pulled him into the almost empty hallway. 

“Dan? Hey, it’s okay, calm down. Are you alright?” 

He let go of Dan’s arm the very second they stood outside and watched as the other leaned down, hands on his knees and taking big gulps of air. His entire body was trembling and when he finally looked up, there were tears gathered at the corners of his eyes. 

“I’m sorry.”

The words were spoken quietly, the noise surrounding them too loud to properly hear them. The music was vibrating through every corner of the arena, every fibre of Phil’s body but he couldn’t care less about it. 

“Don’t be.”

After a few more minutes and curious stares from people around them, Dan finally straightened up and rubbed over his eyes with the back of his hands. 

“Do you want to go home?” Phil asked him carefully. He only received a small nod. Instinctively he wanted to lay a hand on Dan’s shoulder in a protective and calming manner and lead him out, but when his hand was halfway raised he let it sink to his side again and just opted for a smile instead that he hoped looked comforting as well. “Then let’s go and grab a taxi!”

Dan didn’t make a single sound on the way home, but every now and again his entire body would shudder and he’d squirm a little, as if it was starting at his shoulders and running down his spine and he tried to get rid of it. 

Once in their apartment, Dan was quick to lock himself into the bathroom. Phil let him be for a while, grabbed a book and read in the lounge. He was so engrossed in the words that he didn’t hear the footsteps, only looked up once Dan cleared his throat. He looked miserable, eyes rimmed red. It was obvious that he must have cried in the bathroom.

“I’m sorry again for ruining your night.”

“You didn’t ruin my night, Dan.” Phil quickly closed the book and put it on the coffee table. “It’s not your fault that you got a panic attack because some asshole almost pushed you over and even if we didn’t get to see the entire show, I still enjoyed it and I liked spending it with you.”

He noticed the way Dan’s cheeks turned red and the way his fingers still were shaking, still affected from what happened. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

Dan shook his head. “I think I’ll just go to sleep.”  
___

When Phil went to bed hours later, he could still hear Dan tossing and turning, giving away that he was anything but asleep. With a sigh Phil pushed the warm blanket from his body again, shivered slightly in the cold of the room, and grabbed the book from his nightstand. He had asked Dan to borrow him ‘The Perks of Being A Wallflower’, and by now there were two bookmarks in there- one on the page where Phil had stopped reading and one on the page where Phil had stopped reading to Dan. His flatmate didn’t often allow him to read to him and Phil sometimes wondered why. He wouldn’t mind reading to Dan every night if it put the other man at ease, but it seemed like Dan was still embarrassed by the fact that Phil’s voice put him to sleep so easily. 

Phil knocked on the door to Dan’s room gently before opening it. 

“W-What ar-,” he heard Dan stutter and his heart still felt like breaking at the thought that after almost three months he still thought Phil would harm him in his sleep. So he just slid on the floor, opened up the book and started reading where he had left off before Dan could finish his sentence. 

“ _November 7th, 1999. Dear friend, it was one of the days that I didn’t mind going to school because the weather was so pretty._ ”  
___

It was the end of November already and it was cold outside. The first Christmas decorations had been hung up, giving the city a special glow that chased the dullness of usual November days away. Dan had been at university until late, working on a group project for one of his classes with other people. It frustrated him that he had left the house this morning when it had still been dark outside and now unlocked the front door to the apartment while it was dark outside again. 

The moment he entered the apartment, an amazing smell of food surrounded him and his stomach grumbled unhappily. He had barely eaten anything today because his day had been so stressful.

“Phil?” he asked into the apartment as he walked up the few stairs, hearing an answering call from the direction that was their bedrooms. “What did you cook? It smells absolutely incredible.”

The door to Phil’s room was only slightly ajar so he couldn’t see the man when he walked into his own room to drop his bag there. 

“Lemon chicken breasts with rice, there’s still some left in the kitchen if you want some.”

Dan stopped in his movement. He knew that Phil’s offer was only rhetorical. Whenever he made himself something to eat now, he would offer Dan some as well, and Dan would always decline. But the food really did smell delicious and Dan really was hungry, and lately it’s been easier being around Phil, and why shouldn’t he just accept? What’s the worst that could happen?

“Thanks, I’ll take you up on that offer,” Dan answered back and his voice slightly cracked. 

There was silence, Phil must have been too stunned to know what to say, before finally he answered: “Tell me if you like it. It was my first time trying that recipe.” His voice was more high-pitched than usual, almost as if he was nervous, and Dan couldn’t help but smile.

So he went into the kitchen, got himself a plate and put one of the two remaining chicken breasts along with sauce and some rice on it. He seated himself on the dining table in the lounge and grabbed the cutlery. His hands were shaking badly enough for the fork to slip over the plate with a sound that made him cringe and some of the rice landed on the dining table. He quickly put the grains of rice back on the edge of the plate and took a deep breath. Stop being ridiculous Dan. It’s just food, food prepared by Phil. Phil is nice. Phil helps you through panic attacks and accepts that you act like a freak. PJ trusts Phil. You’ll be alright.

Those words played in his head over and over again, a mantra to keep him going, to bring the piece of meat on the fork close to his mouth. The fork hovered in front of his lips for seconds and he was shaking hard enough to almost miss his mouth entirely, but in the end he tasted nothing but chicken and lemon on his tongue and maybe a hint of salt and he waited for five minutes, waited to start feeling dizzy, checked every so often if he could still move all his fingers correctly and that’s how he ate. It took him almost an hour to finish, but in the end he had eaten it all and he still felt fine, and his heart was rapidly beating in his chest with a feeling that he hadn’t felt for so long- pride. 

He brought the plate into the kitchen and put it in the dishwasher, before going down the hallway and knocking against Phil’s door. The older man was lying on his bed with his laptop propped on his knees, glasses halfway down his nose and hair a mess. Dan ignored the door to the walk-in closet in his room, avoided to look over there and instead reminded himself to look in Phil’s eyes. “Dinner was delicious, thanks.”

For a moment Dan almost felt blinded by the smile that suddenly took over Phil’s entire face. It was big and genuine and his eyes crinkled at the corners. With a small gesture that he didn’t even seem to be aware of, he pushed the glasses back up his nose. “I’m glad to hear that, Dan.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember how you guys were excited about the chicken? Yeah? I'm sorry. This chapter wasn't even planned to go that way. For complaints please contact my attorney. Hope you enjoy! :)

He was kneeling, his knees digging into the padded floor. Cum was on his face and in his hair, warm against his skin, the smell of it in his nose, drops of it on his lips, and his tongue darted out to taste. His hands were bound behind his back, a collar around his neck a notch too tight, the leash of it attached to the wall, making it impossible to move, to slump down from his upright position without choking.

“Look at you, such a good boy!” the deep voice spoke. He couldn’t see but he could hear, hear the footsteps circling him, from left to right to left again. Rough hands tugged at his hair and pulled on it, forcing him to face up, breathing got harder. Skilled fingers played with his nipples, pinched them and rolled them between their pads until it hurt. “Look how hard you are for me, how much you enjoy this.”

His cock was hard and red and leaking precum, starved for touch. Small ropes had been skilfully bound around it and his balls, preventing him from coming no matter how much touch he received. It was painful, a pressure that he tried to fight against but couldn’t, and the voice laughed mockingly as he whimpered when the ghost of a touch lay over the head of his cock. The hand wrapped around his aching member and started to tug on it, hard and fast, and he started to scream in pain and pleasure, wanted to cum, begging words tumbling over his cum-stained lips.

“Oh god, please please please,” he whimpered. The hand was gone as the words left his mouth and he swallowed, felt his Adam’s apple against the leather collar. He had fucked up.

“What did you just say?” the voice boomed through the room, loud and intimidating. He flinched, his dick twitching in excitement at the words.

“Master, I’m sorry I forgot, it won’t happen again Master, I’m sorry.”

“It looks like you’re not as good of a boy as I thought you were.”

A hand was back in his hair, tugging at it, and he felt the tip of a hard cock pressed against his lips again, fingers prying at his jaw, forcing him to open his mouth. “You’re nothing but a filthy slave, don’t you ever forget that.”  
___

“And remember to drink some more water once you’re home,” Phil said.

The boy in the taxi rolled his eyes at him fondly. “Yes, dad. I’ll be fine, honestly, don’t worry.”

“Okay, then have a good night!”

“Bye, thanks for the amazing night!”

Phil closed the door and waited at the curb until the taxi had left. The cold air of an early December night made him shiver and he quickly went back into the club, where he was met with stuffy air instead. It wasn’t all too late, an hour before midnight, and he felt good, buzzing on the high of his two orgasms that night. The last time he had been at the club had been three weeks ago and it felt so good to be back. He had missed the feeling of going, of being a dominant, had felt an uncomfortable prickling sensation under his skin the longer he went without going there. It was like an addiction, a better one than drugs and alcohol and he had really truly missed it. Of course he enjoyed the Friday movie nights he had with Dan, he liked them a lot, but they couldn’t give him quite the satisfaction that being a dominant gave him.

Phil went to the bar and ordered a bottle of water, starved for some liquid. He felt the eyes on him, watching him, as his lips touched the bottle and he drank, knew that there were others out there, submissives that wanted his attention, wanted to be taken to one of the rooms by him. He prided himself in having a good reputation, having people trust him with their life; that even though he wrapped chains around their bodies, there was no need to worry.

“Haven’t seen you here in a while!”

Phil turned around and smiled as he saw PJ standing next to him, without a shirt and his skin covered in a thin layer of sweat. He looked good, looked like a mess, and behind him stood another man, one hand on PJ’s shoulder possessively. “How are you?”

“I’m as good as can be! How are you? Did you already have a good time or are you about to have a good time?”

PJ grinned at Phil widely. “I’m about to have the best time. I’ll text you sometime later this weekend, okay? We should get together for a game night or something.”

“Sounds good,” Phil smiled and watched PJ wander off with the dominant close to his side. His eyes roamed the floor after that and caught on to brown ones. They weren’t the shade of brown he had become accustomed to seeing every day, weren’t that warm and didn’t remind him of honey, but they looked interested and Phil made his way through the room, ignored the other bodies around, the other eyes that were staring.

“Hey handsome,” he purred and watched a smile form on slightly cracked lips. “What brings you here on this Friday night?”

___

It was three a.m. and freezing and Phil was tired. The young man he had picked up had been too good to be true, one of the best blowjobs Phil had ever received and the way he had clenched around him when he had entered him- Phil didn’t want to even think about it, or otherwise he would get hard again.

His breaths were visible in the night air as he fumbled with the keys to the front door, nearly dropped them because his fingers were so cold. He was tired now, ready to take a quick shower to wash the sweat and remaining cum from his skin and then fall into bed, wrap up in his cosy blanket and just sleep.

Everything in the apartment was dark. It was warm in there and Phil shed his coat and kicked off his shoes, climbing up the stairs in his socks quietly. He didn’t turn on the lights in the hallway, a habit he had gotten used to over the last few months. It was really dark, but he knew his way around well enough. Maybe it was the darkness, maybe it was because he was so tired, but Phil missed the clue that something was obviously wrong as he walked into his room and didn’t notice that the door to Dan’s room was wide open, the room dark, and the bed empty. He was too absorbed in thinking of his last submissive, already starting to get hard again, to give it another thought.

Grabbing a change of clothes, Phil made his way back down the hallway and the few stairs, went into the bathroom, turned on the lights there. He squeezed his eyes together at the sudden brightness in the room and fumbled with the door, closed it and turned the lock out of habit. He grabbed his shirt by the hem of his neck and pulled it over his head with a quick motion, let the fabric drop to the floor. Still facing the door he unbuckled his belt, popped the button of his jeans, unzipped the zip and pushed them to the floor. They were pooled around his ankles when he heard the whimper coming from behind him and he startled, nearly dripped over the fabric as he turned around.

Dan was there. Sitting in the bathtub. Curled in on himself. Arms wrapped around his knees, legs pulled close to his chest. Face hidden. He was wearing his pyjamas. He was shaking. For a second Phil forgot how to breathe.

“Dan?” The word came out quiet.

“Y-You can’t-“

Stuttered words between deep intakes of breath.

“d-do that!”

Phil took a step closer, nearly fell again because of the jeans around his ankles. He kicked them off, took another step closer. There wasn’t much space between them anymore, only a few tiles and the edge of the bathtub that separated them.

“Dan?” he asked more loudly now, watched as Dan flinched away from the sound.

His head shot up and his eyes scanned the small room. They were empty, as if he wasn’t in the bathroom but at a different place in a different time and Phil realized all his mistakes all at once. He was only in his socks and boxershorts at this point, he reeked of sex, probably had even missed some cum when he had cleaned off at the club, he had cornered Dan, was between the only exit in the room and the terrified boy, had locked the only exit of the room.

Dan screamed. It was ear-piercing and terrifying and Phil wanted to put his fingers in his ears, drown out the noise, wished he had never heard it. It was so loud that his neighbours were probably awoken by it as well and he panicked, panicked just as much as Dan did inside the bathtub as he was flailing around, and he clamped one of his hands over Dan’s mouth to muffle the sound, watched with a rapidly-beating heart how the younger man tried to get away from the touch, felt how his tears touched his skin and they burned him like fire.

“Dan, shhh, shit Dan, it’s okay. It’s just me, it’s okay, you’re okay Dan!”

But the words were for nothing, Dan didn’t hear them, didn’t want to hear them, couldn’t hear them. Phil wasn’t sure, but he was sure that whatever he saw in Dan’s eyes, the emotions there, the fear inside them, was not fear of him but fear of his past, the things that Phil could only guess had happened to him. A flashback. Phil needed to get him out of it.

He ducked away from a fist that was trying to punch him in the face, but Dan’s focus was off and he hit the edge of the bathtub, a loud noise echoing through the bathroom as Phil could hear his knuckles crack and winced in sympathy. Dan could seriously hurt both of them, the pain and the loud noise seemed to make his panic only worse.

“I’m so sorry, I really am, but I don’t know what else to do Dan.” Phil got into the bathtub, took his one hand finally of Dan’s mouth, manhandled him around. He didn’t weigh much, and although he thrashed and tried to fight it off, his body still went with the movement that Phil directed, submissive, following. Phil felt sick.

He pushed Dan forward, slipped into the bathtub behind him, both his legs left and right of Dan’s, one of his arms wrapping around his upper body from behind, trying to fix his arms to stop him from thrashing and throwing another punch, and with the second he turned on the water, turned it ice cold. He flinched as the spray hit him, felt Dan go rigid as he pulled him back against his chest, Dan’s t-shirt covered back now flat against his bare skin. Then Dan stopped fighting.

Phil turned the water warmer, lukewarm droplets now covering their skin, their hair, washing off sweat and tears and Phil almost didn’t dare to breathe as Dan lay against him motionlessly, but incredibly tense, and then he heard the first sob.

He had heard Dan cry many times by now, but it’s never been like this. He could almost feel the younger boy’s pain, the fear, the desperation. Dan had his arms wrapped around his chest, his feet pulled close, his head hanging forward. His entire body was trembling. Both of Phil’s arms were wrapped around him now, kept him close, but he made sure that his grip wasn’t too firm. Tears were gathered in his eyes as well, but he didn’t allow them to roll down his cheeks.

“It’s okay now, you’re okay. You’re safe, no one’s going to hurt you. I promise.” He repeated the words like a mantra, until Dan’s sobs stopped. That’s when he turned off the water and got out of the bathtub. Dan refused to move.

Phil had never really played with dolls before, but at this very moment he felt like he did. As Dan was still in the bathtub, Phil quickly dried off, took the change of clothes he had taken from his room to the bathroom and changed outside, in front of the closed bathroom door. He quickly rushed upstairs and into his room, took out another change of clothes and hurried back down. Dan still sat inside the bathtub, stared at the wall of tiles. Phil wasn’t looking at Dan anymore, he was looking at a shell.

“It’s time to get out,” he said quietly, carefully, but no reaction. Phil drew closer. Dan still didn’t move. A hand on his naked forearm, but he didn’t flinch. Now Phil was the one who couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.

“Please, Dan, work with me here,” he begged and his voice shook. He had thought that he had done the right thing, but what if it had been wrong all along? What had he been thinking when holding Dan down? Putting a hand over his mouth?

He didn’t know what to do any longer, but he couldn’t just leave Dan in his soaking wet clothes. So he pulled him out of the bathtub, and wrestled with the younger man’s wet shirt, hoped that it would give him some kind of reaction. But Dan only complied, didn’t say anything, didn’t seem to mind that Phil undressed him. It was the first time that Phil saw Dan’s bare chest, and it was beautiful, but marred with scars and Phil had to turn away, press the back of his hand against his lips to keep in the sob. Pulling down Dan’s pyjama bottoms and underwear made him want to throw up. On any other occasion Phil would have loved to check Dan out, to see him naked. Now he didn’t even dare look at Dan’s penis, the younger man didn’t deserve that.

So Phil took a towel and dried him off carefully. He was almost hoping for Dan to flinch away from the touch, to panic again. Anything would be better than the silence right now, the unmoving body and the dead look in the eyes. Phil dried him off carefully, but he left out Dan’s most private parts.

He wrestled him into the clothes he had taken from his own room, his promise to Dan to never enter his room without permission still stood, and picked him up from the ground, held him in his arms and carried him. He was halfway down their hallway before realizing that neither of their rooms was an option. He wouldn’t step a foot inside of Dan’s and he wouldn’t place Dan into his bed. He remembered the dream the brown-haired boy had shared with him once, didn’t want him to freak out when he woke up. So he turned around and went into the lounge, placed him on the couch there and returned to his room to get his pillow and duvet. He carefully pushed the pillow under Dan’s head and wrapped the blanket around him, hoping that his smell that would surely cling to the fabric wouldn’t unsettle Dan.

Phil sat down on one of the chairs on the dining table and watched Dan from there. His eyes were still open, still staring at something that wasn’t in the room. He didn’t move, didn’t get comfortable on the couch. It took at least half an hour before his eyelids fluttered shut and didn’t open again. Phil watched from where he was sat at the dining table and he wondered what had gone wrong. He grabbed one of the five books that were lying within reach- one of those Dan had to read for university- opened it up and started to read out loud. He knew that Dan couldn’t hear him anymore, but tonight he didn’t only read out loud for the comfort of the younger man- he read it out loud for the comfort he needed himself.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a Christmas special, that's why I put a ribbon on it but AO3 doesn't accept emojis so the entire text disappeared. Buh. Sappy Christmas ramblings can be found at the end of the chapter. Also this fic has a beta now, [ legendarygalaxydragon ](http://legendarygalaxydragon.tumblr.com/) who is an amazing writer and an amazing person and I forgot to mention her in the last chapter. Hope you enjoy! :)
> 
> THIS IS REALLY SHORT NOTICE BUT TWT WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST FIC IN THE PHANFIC AWARDS, SO IF YOU'D LIKE TO VOTE FOR IT YOU CAN DO THAT [HERE ](https://polldaddy.com/poll/8271042/). THANK YOU!

Dan woke up disoriented. His eyes were still closed but he could tell that he wasn’t in his bed, and every muscle in his body tensed. What had happened last night? For seconds, or maybe it was minutes, he didn’t dare open his eyes, and the unfamiliar smell of the pillow his head rested on and the blanket wrapped around his body didn’t calm his nerves either. So he took a deep breath, after making sure that he couldn’t hear the presence of another person in the room, counted to ten and opened his eyes to be surrounded by the familiar setting of the lounge. 

It was light outside, but the clouds in the sky were grey and locking out the sunshine. He could hear a car passing by in the street. He looked down, realized that the duvet he was currently covered by was not his own, but the blue and green one from Phil’s room, from Phil’s bed. He shot up immediately, and he realized that the clothes on his body didn’t fit quite right. Those weren’t his pyjama pants. That t-shirt he was wearing he had seen on Phil before. Dan swallowed harshly, not sure what to make of this situation. He hated to admit it, but he felt slightly panicked. Should he get up? Should he scream? Something was terribly wrong.

He spotted the two bodies out of the corner of his eyes, and reflex had him scramble backwards, pull the blanket up to shield his upper body and part of his face, but the bodies didn’t move, and he dared look at them for longer now. Phil and PJ, they were on two of the chairs around the dining table. PJ was sitting upright, his head tipped back, mouth open, and Phil’s arms were on the dining table, his head resting on them like a pillow. They were both asleep. What was going on? 

Dan scratched the back of his head and noticed that his fingers slightly hurt. He looked at his knuckles and saw that they were slightly bruised. He frowned. Something was obviously missing from last night, a puzzle piece that he should remember. He didn’t fall asleep on the couch, he would know about that, and there was no explanation for why he had woken up with Phil’s bedding either. He pinched himself on the back of his right hand, because maybe this all was some weird dream, but the pain was too real for it not to be reality. Did he drink alcohol last night? No, he didn’t feel hungover, no headache, no sick feeling in his stomach. 

Although the situation did freak him out a bit, especially that he was wearing Phil’s clothes- how did that happen?- PJ was here, and if PJ was here there surely was a logical explanation for all of this. Dan tried to remember, but the memories somehow didn’t return. He did crave waffles though this morning, he should make some for breakfast or maybe brunch, as a look at the clock told him that it was already past 10 a.m.. 

Shedding the blanket from his body, Dan slightly shivered at the cold air in the room, but he had no idea how to work the oven. Phil always took care of that, but he didn’t want to wake up the other man. So he trudged into his room, changed into his own clothes and put on a hoodie. He folded up Phil’s clothes neatly and placed them in front of Phil’s room, before making his way to the kitchen. Cooking was much easier since the first time he had eaten Phil’s food. He wasn’t entirely comfortable with it yet, took longer than necessary until he finished off a meal, still way too conscious about any reactions his body might have to the food, but he could use the same ingredients now that Phil used, didn’t have too many second thoughts when sharing his flour with the other man.

The second Dan took a step into the kitchen, a sharp pain pierced through his entire left leg. He gasped, sank to the floor in surprise. That’s when the memories came back.  
___

When Phil woke up, he felt like he hadn’t slept a wink. He had called PJ desperately once his thoughts had started to slow down again last night, and was lucky to have the other man come right over from the club. When Dan’s friend had arrived, he had explained what had happened, had apologized in tears about fucking up, but PJ had just put a hand on his shoulder and shaken his head. 

“You didn’t fuck up, Phil, no one expects you to know what to do in a situation like that. Dan, fuck, he was like this for weeks after being released from the hospital. I thought he was over it, but apparently not. The last time he snapped and had an episode like that was back in May.”

“But what caused it?”

PJ smiled sadly. “Triggers, man, they are everywhere. And only Dan can tell you what they were, but chances are he won’t do that. No offense, but you look terrible. Try and get some sleep, I’ll watch over him for a while.”

So Phil had settled with PJ around the dining table, rested his arms on the table and his head on his arms and fell asleep. 

Now that he was awake, his neck was hurting from the position he had spent the night in, but looking at the way PJ hung in his chair, the pain in his neck would be nothing compared with the pain the other man would feel today. Phil’s eyes lazily roamed over the room. First out of the window, the weather looked terrible. Then to the TV, over the fireplace. He should start a fire, it felt cold in here. His eyes wandered further to the couch, where his pillow and blanket lay. They had obviously been used but now lay cold and abandoned. 

Phil’s head shot up from its position on his forearms, a sickening cracking sound in his back and he grimaced at the pain he had expected, but he didn’t pay too much attention to that. The couch was empty. Dan was gone. This was wrong, this was bad. 

He jumped up from his seat, and had to hold on to the table for a second because of a dizzy spell, or otherwise he might have fallen. Once the world around him didn’t turn like a merry-go-round, he quickly left the lounge- to find Dan sitting in the hallway, leaning against the wall parallel to the kitchen glass door, tears in his eyes, tears on his cheeks, a bit of blood on the carpet floor.

“I fucked up your carpet, sorry.” Although his voice was shaking, the sarcastic words calmed down Phil the slightest bit. 

“What happened?” he asked, his movements slow as he approached Dan.

“I walked into the kitchen and stepped onto a shard of a mug I broke last night. Then I remembered what happened. To be honest I don’t even know if I’m crying from the pain or the embarrassment.”

He gave Phil a weak smile as the older man kneeled down next to him. He wished he could gather Dan up in a hug right now, the boy looked like he really needed it, but it probably wouldn’t be very appreciated by him. 

“Does it hurt much?” he inquired.

It was worrying to see Dan sit on the floor, the bloodstains on the carpet, and Dan clutching his foot with both his hands. There was blood on Dan’s hands as well, the wound must have bled quite a bit, but he couldn’t see it as Dan’s hands were in the way, almost holding it as if he wanted to prevent Phil from seeing it.

Dan shook his head. “I pulled out the shard myself, and I’ve been sitting here for a while already. It’s only a dull pain.”

“We should go to A&E.”

“Can’t we just wrap it up and leave it be? Everyone always assumes that I’ll start self-harming after what happened because I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to have to explain myself to everyone.”

Phil froze at the words. He had never considered that a possibility; had never paid much attention to it. What if-

“Don’t give me that look Phil, I’m not self-harming, I promise. I just forgot that I had broken the mug last night and stepped on it this morning.” Dan sounded sheepish. “I wanted to make waffles for breakfast.”

“Then let’s wrap this up and get you back to the lounge. I’ll clean up the kitchen and maybe try to get the blood stains out of the carpet before it’s completely too late, and then I’ll make us waffles, okay?”  
___

“I don’t know, he looks fine to me.”

Dan had gone to the bathroom, or more like limped to the bathroom, and the second they knew he was out of sight, PJ and Phil started whispering about him.

“I think he’s just putting on a brave face.”

“He did say he was embarrassed about what happened last night. Should we talk about it with him?”

“No, trust me, you don’t want to poke the bear with a stick while it sleeps.”

Phil frowned at that, disapproving PJ’s words. “But wouldn’t it be better if he talked about it?”

“He talks when he wants to talk. I’ll get in touch with his therapist; his next appointment is on Monday anyway. I’ll tell her about what happened, so when he doesn’t tell her himself, she can breach the subject. He might be mad at me for a week, but I can deal with that.”  
___

Dan washed his face three times in the bathroom, just to have more time alone before he had to go back out and face his friend and flatmate again. He knew they were talking about him, knew the worried looks they sent his way, the forced cheerful conversations they had. All of it made him feel sick.

Yesterday had been a rough day. He had woken up with that uneasy feeling in his stomach, the one that had made him consider just staying in bed the entire day and hiding from the world, but he had decided against it. He wanted to go out, wanted to face the world, but as soon as he stood in the underground, with too many people around him and not enough space, he knew it had been a mistake. It had been hard to breathe. 

At university that day, nothing had gone right. He had forgotten one of the assignments, he had raised his hand twice and given the wrong answer both times. After that he hadn’t dared raise his hand again. He had forgotten lunch at home and PJ wasn’t at university, so he couldn’t buy lunch and has been hungry. A pencil had fallen out of his bag, and when someone had stopped him to give it back by grabbing his wrist, that’s when the flashbacks started. Dan had left the university after that, not able to cope with another lecture.

He had met Phil only briefly, when the dominant had come home after work and got changed for the club, leaving soon after. For a second he had contemplated talking to him, asking him not to leave, because he didn’t like the flashbacks, but in the end he had been too scared to do that. He didn’t want to see Phil leave to go to the club, didn’t like to talk to him before he went, because Phil seemed to have two sides: a nice one, and his dominant one. And his dominant one he put on even before he left for the club. Dan didn’t like it, and if he could avoid it, he did.

So Phil had left, and Dan had been alone, and sometimes he remembered things he didn’t want to remember, and sometimes he heard a cruel voice that he knew wasn’t there, and sometimes flashes of a face appeared behind his eyes when he blinked, a face that he knew was locked up in jail. He called his mom, tried to have a conversation with her to distract himself, but she had heard that something was wrong in his voice, and he had cut the phone call short to avoid discussing his problems. Although he loved his parents, he really did, they were not the kind of people he could talk about this with. They accepted that he was gay, they loved and supported him still after what had happened although they didn’t understand the scene, but they never judged. But still, what had happened in the days he had been held hostage, he couldn’t talk about with them. He couldn’t talk about most of it with anyone really, even his therapist he felt couldn’t possibly understand. 

It had been nearing midnight, Dan had been watching anime but couldn’t really focus on the subtitles, when he had decided that a hot chocolate would surely calm him down. So he had gone to the kitchen, had reached for a mug, was about to take it to the fridge to fill it up with milk when the doorbell rang- that’s when the mug shattered on the floor, breaking one of the kitchen floor tiles. 

Dan had downright panicked when he had heard the doorbell ring. Rationally thinking he knew that the man who haunted him in his nightmares, was behind bars in jail, locked away and not coming out for a long time, but in moments like that he tended to forget. And suddenly Dan could have sworn that the source of his fear stood in front of the door, came back to do what he hadn’t finished the first time, was here to take Dan back to the basement, to teach him more lessons, to chain him up and beat him, play his psycho games with him- rape him. 

Dan had broken down. In his panic he had stopped thinking and started acting, fled the kitchen, not gone down the hallway because there he was trapped. He needed somewhere to hide where no one would expect him- the bathroom. He curled into a ball inside the bathtub and pretended that the edge was a shield that could make him invisible, closed his eyes and prayed to a god that he didn’t believe in, to all the gods that he didn’t believe in.

He didn’t know how much time had passed until he heard the footsteps. The lock on the door turning. The rustling of clothes that fell to the floor. That’s when he had panicked. 

Dan washed his face for the fourth time. He was so embarrassed to think about what had happened, humiliated really, also a bit scared. He remembered Phil, in his underwear only, slipping into the bathtub with him, holding him, changing his clothes. Phil had seen him naked. He had hugged him, held him close. Phil had seen him naked, and Dan had been so out of it that he hadn’t even cared, not even bat an eyelash.

He washed his face for a fifth time. He was mortified. There was a knock on the door.

“Are you okay in there, Dan?”

PJ.

“I’m fine, I’ll be with you guys in a second.”  
___

Christmas drew closer and London was bustling with excited Christmas shoppers, filled by beautiful lights that encased the city in warmth. The last few days had been hard for Dan. He was stressed by university, stressed by Christmas present shopping for his family, stressed by pretending to be alright with the fact that Phil had seen him naked. 

The dominant had never uttered another word about that night to Dan, but he could still see the questions and concern in his eyes. Dan wanted to slap that look out of him. 

University had been stressful, and after that he had dared go to a few shops which were so crowded with people that he could barely reach the shelves. But he had finally found some Christmas presents, and he had brought them home, the bags heavy, his arms hurting. He knew that his hair was a mess, he was hungry and tired and there was that essay that he had to finish, the deadline to hand it in was tomorrow’s class and he still had another 500 words to write, but Dan seriously needed a break from life.

“You look like you need a hug,” Phil said, looking up from where he was sitting at the dining table and writing something on his computer. 

“I could honestly really do with one right now.”

Dan let the shopping bags fall onto the floor and got out of his coat, let that drop to the ground as well and he heard the scraping of a chair against the wooden floor. The next time he looked up, Phil was standing by the table, arms wide open in invitation.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked, half amused, half confused.

“I’m offering you a hug.”

His mouth suddenly felt too dry at the prospect of being comforted by Phil. “I-“

“You don’t have to, but it’s there if you need it. I’ll hold on to you carefully and my grip won’t be too tight, but I will rub your back if you’ll accept it. There’s nothing nicer than having your back rubbed during a hug.” 

Dan was frozen in place, but so was Phil, just standing there with his arms stretched out in open invitation, not looking expectant, just patient and waiting. A hug- a hug would really be nice right now. And Phil had held him before, several times by now. Phil had seen him naked, had had the chance to hurt him without Dan fighting back, and he hadn’t taken it. 

He took a step forward, and he saw Phil smile softly. It almost made him take a step back again, but instead he took another one forward, and another, and then arms wrapped around his upper body gently, slowly, carefully, and he didn’t know what to do with his arms so they stayed awkwardly pressed between their ribcages, acting as a shield, so that he could push away any second if it got too much. 

Phil was warm and he smelled good, and Dan was shaking because he didn’t like the idea that he was caged in, but Phil’s arms around him were nothing more but a light touch, easy to break out of, and it did really feel good to have his back rubbed, and he heard Phil whisper that it was okay, it was just a hug, but that didn’t stop the trembling. It was a nice hug nonetheless. 

“Thanks for that,” Dan said awkwardly after having taken a step back. He could feel his cheeks turning red and felt slightly embarrassed by the whole situation.

“It’s not a problem, sometimes you just need a hug. And I always have one to offer to you if you need it.” 

He couldn’t help but smile at that, a tentative smile but one none the less. “Thanks.”

____

“And you’re sure you’ve got everything you need?” Phil asked for what felt like the probably seventeenth time today.

“Yes, God, Phil, you’re worse than my dad,” Dan joked. He was standing by the door with his luggage, wrapped up in a warm coat and a scarf tightly knotted around his neck, as he felt like he had caught a cold somewhere that was developing. It was December 21st and his train back home was leaving soon. “And even if I don’t have my keys with me, I can always crash at PJ’s.”

There was an excitement twinkling in his eyes that Phil had never really seen before. “Have a good trip home.”

“Thanks, you too. Enjoy your time with your family in the North.” 

“And we’ll see each other again for the New Year’s party?”

“I’ll be in London by three p.m. the latest, stop worrying already.”

“Sorry,” Phil shrugged his shoulders without looking at all apologetic. “See you on December 31st then.”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded and grabbed his suitcase. When he was outside in the hallway, and five steps down, Phil had nearly closed the door on him already when he turned around one more time. “Hey, Phil?”

“Yes?” The older man poked his head through the doorframe to look down, fringe a complete mess.

“Merry Christmas!”

Phil bit his lip, but couldn’t hold back a smile. “Merry Christmas, Dan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, merry Christmas (I had a tree emoji in here but then AO3 deleted everything behind that as well so just imagine it, okay?) , happy holidays, and if you don’t celebrate anything around this time of year then I still hope that you’re having a good day. I wanted to thank you guys for the lovely comments you always leave behind, I seriously honestly really appreciate them and they always make me smile. :) Some of you comment on every single chapter of this fic, you know who you are, and please feel yourself hugged really tight by me right now. Thanks for the support, and I'll see you guys on December 31st for a very special New Years Eve TWT update. Take care. x


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments guys.<3 As promised, here's the New Year's Eve special. This is the first TWT chapter that's less than 2k words long, wow. Updates in January might be a bit scarce, as Finals Week is in the last week and I'm really busy studying and losing my mind, but I'll try to update at least twice. Here's to hoping that 2016 will be a good year for all of us. Hope you enjoy! :)

As the clock struck midnight, cries of “Happy New Year“ and “Cheers“ filled the apartment as glasses full of champagne, beer, wine or other beverages of choice clinked against each other. The room was crowded with people, what had originally started as a small gathering of friends had played out into a party with strangers that neither Dan nor Phil had ever met before, but they brought more alcohol and snacks and a good mood, so neither of them had complained upon their arrival. Their apartment had never seen more people in it before than tonight, and no matter where Dan looked, now that it was midnight people were hugging, or sharing passionate kisses. 

An arm was thrown around his shoulder and Dan instinctively flinched away, his reaction delayed by the alcohol in his body, the alcohol in the glass that he was holding in his hand spilling over the edge and wetting his fingers. 

It was only PJ, PJ who was grinning at him widely, looking almost manic. He had obviously had too much to drink already as well as most of the other guests in their apartment. 

“Happy New Year, my friend,“ he screamed into Dan’s ear, and Dan repeated the words to him while his eyes searched the lounge for PJ’s girlfriend to come and get him off, because even though he felt mostly calm thanks to the amount of alcohol he had already had tonight, PJ’s touch was a bit too much. On a normal day he could accept his friend so close to him, but the people surrounding them already put him on edge and a drunk PJ was more affectionate than Dan liked him to be. 

Once he found her and managed to maneuver PJ from his shoulder to hers, he left the lounge, feeling like he needed a few minutes to be on his own and breathe. So he snuck off into his room, closed the door, and immediately the thousand noises- the voices and the music and the glasses clinking- all faded into a dull sound that was easy to tune out. 

Dan placed the glass in his hand on his desk and wiped his sticky fingers on the fabric of his black skinny jeans. His head slightly hurt and he was tired, and all he really wanted to do right now as get undressed and crawl into bed, but there were people out there and he couldn’t leave Phil hanging, Phil who turned out to be the perfect host. He made smalltalk with everyone, always made sure that people’s glasses were full, always smiled and refilled the bowls with snacks, and knew the weirdest party games. Phil was the life of the party. 

For five minutes Dan allowed himself to just sit on the edge of his bed and close his eyes, but then he got up and joined the others outside again, the glass in his room long forgotten, and he stopped in the kitchen on the way to the lounge, grabbing an energy drink. 

He met Phil in the hallway, who he hadn’t seen in about an hour, and the other man stopped the conversation he had ongoing the second he spotted Dan coming out of his room.

“Are you alright?“ he asked, words slurred, but the concern still audible in them. 

“I’m fine. I just needed a second to breathe,“ Dan reassured him and then Phil smiled and offered his glass, and Dan clinked his energy drink can against it. 

“Happy New Year! Let’s hope it’s a good one.“

Dan returned the smile, although not as brightly as Phil’s was. “Happy New Year, Phil.“  
___

“Some people seriously have no manners at all,“ Phil complained as he came up the stairs, tripped over the last one and fell to the floor. “Oops.“

Dan saw the entire scene from his position in the lounge and laughed while he was busy picking up the plastic cups littered around the room. It was 7 a.m. and the last guests had left the party about half an hour ago - Phil had to carry PJ down to a taxi around 6 a.m. because no matter what they tried, he wouldn’t wake up from his sleep - and in their heavily intoxicated states, Dan and Phil had decided to clean their apartment right away. 

After having stopped laughing, Dan asked “Why, what happened?“ regarding Phil’s statement before he fell. 

“Someone left their used condom lying on our bathroom floor.“

Dan scrunched up his nose. “That’s disgusting. At least they made it into the bathroom, I swear I saw a couple orgasm on our couch by dry humping.“

Phil, who had now entered the lounge, looked at the sofa in disgust. “If they left stains, we’re getting a new sofa!“

When talking to each other, both their words were heavily slurred and hard to understand, but neither of them seemed to have a problem with that.

“It was a good night though, wasn’t it?“ Phil asked. He had a plastic bag in his hand and sat down on the floor cross-legged, reaching and stretching in every direction he could reach to pick up trash and put it in the bag. When everything within reach was gone, instead of standing up he’d just slide forward over the dirty floor until he could grab a hold of something again. 

“It was really fun,“ Dan agreed, standing on the arm of the couch to retrieve one of the plastic cups from the top of the white bookshelf they had standing next to their couch. He swayed dangerously and had to hold on to the shelf for a few seconds, before he just let himself fall onto the couch back first. 

“And you were okay with all the people being here?“

Dan rolled his head to the side to look at Phil still cleaning the floor, trying to sound nonchalant. “They sometimes made me uncomfortable, but alcohol helped me get over it.“

“I’m sorry to hear that,“ Phil answered. 

“And I’m too drunk for this conversation.“ Dan got up from the couch and continued picking up plastic cups to throw away.

_____

It was 8 a.m. when they were in the kitchen with all the dirty glasses of the night. Another two bottles of beer had been opened up by them and already almost emptied, two more shots had been downed by both men. Their movements were already languid, eyelids heavy with sleep. 

Dan leaned against the kitchen counter, the edge of it pressing into his back, both his palms pressing against the smooth surface. He could feel crumbs pinching his skin, but couldn’t care less about them. 

“You’re going to drop them,“ he giggled, watching as Phil opened the dishwasher and started to put the dirty glasses in that they had collected, one after the other.

“I’m not going to drop them,“ Phil replied. He looked at the dishwasher, his eyebrows knitted together as if in deep thought. There was no more space in the upper dishwasher tray, but still three dirty glasses standing on the counter. Dan watched as Phil chewed on his bottom lip absentmindedly before placing the glass that had been in his hand on top of another glass already in the dishwasher.

“You can’t do that!“ Dan shrieked immediately, and the next glass in Phil’s hand nearly slipped through his fingers, but he caught it just in time, nodded proudly to acknowledge his own accomplishment, and put it back on the counter. 

Phil frowned then. “Why can’t I do that?“ 

“Because if you push the thingy back in, the glasses will drop. They won’t fit!“ Dan started to gesticulate wildly, the crumbs that had been pressed into his palms now falling on the kitchen floor. “Put them into the lower thingy instead of the upper thingy, there’s more space there for them.“

Phil nodded again, his head just kept bobbing up and down, even as he took out the glass from the upper dishwasher tray and put it into the lower one, followed by the other two glasses. He closed the dishwasher, neither of them noticing that there were no dishwasher tablets in it, and leaned really close to look at the panel while pressing two buttons to turn it on. 

When Phil straightened up, everything started to spin around him due to the fast movement and the alcohol running through his veins. He swayed on his feet and his upper body tipped forward as he lost all balance. He closed his eyes, already waiting for the impact of the fall, but then there were two warm hands holding him and helping him up again and he suddenly stood really close in front of Dan, who looked at him wide-eyed, and he could feel Dan’s body heat. 

“Thanks,“ Phil sighed in relief and giggled again- he had always been a happy drunk- and then he lifted his hand and petted Dan’s head affectionately. “You’re my hero, Dan.“

“You’ve got really pretty eyes,“ Dan blurted out and the words were slurred, but Phil understood them perfectly fine. “You’re a pretty person in general.“

He was too drunk to tell what exactly it was, but Phil felt the shift in the energy of the room, realized that somehow there was something different now than it had been seconds before.

“Thank you,“ he breathed in reply, still so close to Dan, Dan’s hands still on his arms from where he had steadied him before. 

Suddenly it wasn’t the alcohol anymore that made the room around Phil spin so much but the man in front of him, who was looking him in the eyes, his black pupils blown wide and his lips slightly parted. Phil swallowed hard, and Dan’s gaze shifted to his neck, watched his Adam’s apple bob. 

“Like, really pretty,“ Dan repeated the words. 

Phil ducked forward, and then his lips were against Dan’s lips that felt warm and dry and slightly chapped and perfect.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, how's 2016 so far? Still holding on to those New Year's resolutions? I'm here with a new chapter, because I avoid studying by writing and part 18 is almost finished as well, oops. Thanks for your comments, sorry for the cliffhanger last time! ;) 
> 
> I've got two things I quickly want to say: First, TWT won the 2015 phanfic awards in the categories 'Best Storyline' and 'Best Fic', thank you so much for voting! <3 And second, halfway through writing this part I hit a wall and whatever came afterwards was terrible and I was unhappy with it, but my beta ( [legendarygalaxydragon](http://legendarygalaxydragon.tumblr.com) ) was incredible and with her help this chapter turned out better than I first expected, so shoutout to her. And now I hope you enjoy! :)

One second he had stopped Phil from falling, and the next he felt the edge of the kitchen counter pressing into his back, another body pressing against his front, lips pressing against his own lips, moving fast and hungrily. 

The hard line of Phil’s body aligned perfectly against his and he felt a tongue tracing his bottom lip, gasped, and then the tongue was inside his mouth, hands were holding him, one on his cheek, the other on his hip, fingers clawing at the fabric, holding on tight. 

Dan shivered, half from arousal and half from fear. His hazy mind only slowly caught up with what was happening, his body reacted the natural way and he felt himself getting hard. His breath was ragged and the hand that had been on his cheek was now in his hair, tugging at the strands, pulling his head back to expose his neck, and then the lips were wandering along the skin of his throat, a tongue trailed over goosebumps, and the lips found their way back against his, the hands now falling away from his body, resting on the counter behind him, caging him in, the body pressed closer. 

Dan’s eyes were wide open, but he still felt like he couldn’t see. It got hard to breathe, and he forgot how to move, and in his mind the alarm bells started ringing. 

This wasn’t good. He didn’t enjoy this. He had been taken by surprise, that’s why he had responded, but the touch of someone else’s skin against his burned like acid, the tongue forcing its way inside his mouth tasted like poison, and now that he got over the initial surprise, all he wanted to do was to escape the arms caging him in. 

But the body against his was stronger and as he tried to press against it to free himself his movements were taken the wrong way, not seen as an attempt to escape but as encouragement for more, and a pair of hips rolled against his, where he was still half hard in his pants, and Dan froze.

He felt it, the hard outline of the other man’s cock pressing against his body, searching for friction to find release, and his entire body started to shake, cold sweat on his forehead and on the palms of his hands. And the lips still pressed and demanded and the hips still thrust against his, and he blinked and felt the tears wetting his cheeks, and his mind was screaming at him, urging to escape. 

With shaking hands he pushed the body away, and then the lips were gone, and he pushed harder, and then the body tumbled, and then he blinked and Phil lay on the floor, looked up at him wide-eyed. Dan ran.

Out of the kitchen into the hallway, turning left to his room, but remembering his room had no lock, turning right, down the steps, into the bathroom, locking the door with shaking fingers. 

He was still hard. 

Dan fell to his knees, sobs wracking his body. He pressed the palm of his left hand against the straining erection in his jeans, willed it to go down, shivered at the touch in the worst way.

There was a knock on the door.

„Dan?“ Phil’s timid voice asked, and the sound of it made Dan’s skin crawl, and another sob escape, and he slapped his right hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds. 

„Dan, please, open the door! Are you okay in there? Please, I’m sorry! Dan, can you hear me?“ The voice became more frantic and the knocks got louder, and Dan was still hard and felt disgusted with himself. 

He got up from the floor and moved to the bathtub, turned on the water to drown out the noises from outside. He didn’t want to hear Phil, he didn’t want the other man anywhere near him. All he wanted to do was scrub his skin and brush his teeth, get rid of the taste on his tongue, of the feeling of a body pressing against his. 

The noises from outside didn’t stop, Phil kept knocking and asking for him and Dan became angry, so angry, because why didn’t the dominant get the hint? Why didn’t he leave him alone? His dick was now soft again and his anger rising. He turned off the water and his hands were shaking. Had they stopped shaking at all since the kiss? And why couldn’t Phil leave him alone? Phil, who had promised him respect. But if that’s what he wanted, Dan would give it to him. Close his eyes and get through it. Maybe the alcohol in his blood would make it easier. Maybe the pain wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe Phil wouldn’t leave marks behind. 

Maybe he would stop the act of the caring flatmate and show who he really was, someone out to hurt people, to humiliate them. Someone that Dan had wanted for so long, but once he had gotten him, he’d been nothing but a monster. 

His heart, it was beating so fast, and he was scared of the consequences, but if he closed his eyes, maybe it would be half as bad. Phil had pretended to be nice for so long, maybe now that he got what he wanted, he could pretend for a little longer, maybe stretch Dan properly. Maybe not use the cuffs hidden in his closet. 

Dan turned the lock, and he heard the click, and before he could change his mind Phil had already opened the door, his face red as were his eyes, and Dan took a deep breath, and before Phil could react, he pressed his lips and his entire body against the dominant’s. 

Phil stumbled back slightly, taken by surprise, and Dan moved his lips, moved his hips, but his cock stayed soft though the kiss was rough, and there were hands on his shoulders, and he wanted to shy away from the touch, but he couldn’t. Maybe if he complied with what Phil wanted, maybe if he played his part, Phil would be gentle with him. Maybe.

He was crying and a sob ripped through his body, but that didn’t stop the kiss, and the hands on his shoulders were pushing (why weren’t they pulling him closer?) and then there was nothing against his lips anymore and no one pressed against his body, only the hands on his shoulders and he blinked, looked at Phil. It was when he saw the look in his blue eyes that Dan really realized what had just happened. It was then that he fell to the floor a second time, crying.

“Dan, it’s okay. Please, calm down!“ 

He was curled up, legs drawn up against his chest, head lowered to hide his face, and the tears dripped on the fabric of his shirt. 

There was a hand on his shoulder blade and he shrank away from the touch, but the hand stayed and it was gentle, and then arms wrapped around him, but unlike before they weren’t caging him in, only soft touches against his skin not like the way they pressed into him before. No fingernails scratching, no pulling of his clothes (or of his skin). The touch was warm and Dan felt Phil’s chest press against his side, and then he moved his head and buried his face into the crook of Phil’s neck that was just there, pale and offering sanctuary. 

“I’m sorry,“ he sobbed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.“ 

The words were barely understandable, and Phil shushed him and rubbed his arm, and swayed a bit from side to side as if rocking Dan like he was a child that couldn’t fall asleep.

“No Dan, shh, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry, I really am. I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was a mistake. Please, calm down, love, I’m so sorry. I promise I won’t hurt you, you don’t have to be scared.“

With those words the arms around him tightened a bit more, and Dan’s breath hitched, and he felt the wetness against his scalp where Phil’s face was buried in his hair, felt Phil’s tears on his skin, and Phil’s voice sounded muffled as he held Dan close and reminded him that he was safe over and over again.

He was still shaking, and his entire body was hurting. But his heart wasn’t going as fast as before, and he was tired, and sometimes his cries calmed down, but then there would be another sob, and another wave of tears, and Phil would shush him again and tell him that there was nothing to fear, no one there to hurt him. 

They stayed like that for a long time before Dan got up and fled to his room. Phil left the apartment a few minutes later, on January 1st, not having slept a wink the entire night and still a bit drunk. He didn’t return home that day.   
___

“You’ve been very quiet during today’s session, Dan,“ Ms. Naruse said with a look at the watch on her wrist. “We have ten minutes left. Do you want to tell me what is going on?“  
 Dan fidgeted under the scrutinizing gaze of his therapist. 

“We both know that you don’t have to talk about it, but if there’s something on your chest, you will probably feel better letting it out.“

Dan opened his mouth, but then closed it again and shook his head. “It’s nothing important.“

“Judging from the way you acted today, it is important.“

He could feel a blush spreading on his face. For days he had tried to forget about the kiss now, but he couldn’t. Whatever he did, the memory of the kiss was with him. When he studied, he suddenly felt the reminder of lips moving against his. When he was in the kitchen making dinner, he remembered the way the counter had pressed into his back. As much as he wanted to forget, some detail of the kiss always came back.

“Phil and I kissed.“

Ms. Naruse nodded. “And how did that make you feel?“

Dan looked up at her and frowned. “In all the months I’ve come to see you, this is the first time you sound like a proper therapist.“  
 “Don’t avoid the topic, Dan. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this was your first intimate contact since last year, wasn’t it?“

He bit his lip, and slowly nodded. “It was.“

His therapist leaned forward, elbows on her knees. “And is there anything you want to tell me about it?“

“I think the first one was an accident.“

“You kissed more than once?“

“We, uh, kissed twice.  We were drunk, and the first one kind of just happened. But then I got scared and I pushed him away. I locked myself into the bathroom after that, but Phil was right outside the door and he wouldn’t stop knocking, and I thought he was doing it because he wanted more from me, you know? I didn’t want him to come in but I also thought that if I let him have what he wants, he would be more gentle.“

“Did you kiss Phil then?” Ms. Naruse prompted gently.

Dan nodded, not meeting her eyes as he welled up slightly at the memory.  He felt so stupid remembering what he did.

“I don’t know why I did it. It was embarrassing and I didn’t even want it. It was like I had no control over myself anymore. He pushed me away, though.“

“Dan,“ Ms. Naruse said with a gentle voice, “your reaction was nothing to be ashamed of. Considering what you’ve been through it was a perfectly natural assumption, and I’m glad to hear that Phil stopped it.“

She observed the way his eyes nervously flitted throughout the entire room, and his fingers played with the hem of his shirt. “But there’s still more to the story, isn’t there?“

With his cheeks coloured red, Dan ducked his head. 

“I think-,“ but the words got stuck. So he cleared his throat and swallowed. “I think I also kind of like- liked the kiss.“

His bottom lip trembled and he tried to blink away the tears in his eyes. “But I don’t want to like it. It’s wrong and it’s dirty and it hurts, and I’m scared,“ he admitted with a shaky voice. “I’m really scared.“

___

It’s been a week since New Year’s Eve, and Phil had barely spoken to Dan. He wasn’t sure who was trying hardest to avoid the other, him or Dan. All he knew is that he had fucked up big time, and he didn’t know how to fix it. 

Dan could barely stand to be in the same room as him recently. Whenever he entered the lounge, the brown-haired young man would scurry out. He would enter the kitchen, and suddenly Dan would abandon whatever he was currently making with the excuse of going to the bathroom. And that one time he had accidentally brushed up against his flatmate, Dan had violently jerked back and stared at him with wide eyes. They were back to square one.

Guilt; that was what Phil felt most of the time now. Guilt for being so reckless and just kissing Dan, because his drunk brain had told him too, and because his pink lips had looked so inviting. Guilt for having enjoyed the kiss, the first one at least, and not realizing that Dan, under his hands, had been trying to get away, terrified and squirming against him to try and escape, and not to seek pleasure for either of them. Guilt was omnipresent in Phil’s life these days.

He was lying on his bed, watching TV. He was watching TV in his own room most of the time now, so Dan could watch in the lounge, because recently he would turn off whatever he was watching as soon as Phil entered the room and then leave as fast as possible. That had happened twice now, and Phil didn’t want to see Dan react to him like that again. 

Phil didn’t pay attention to whatever was on at the moment. His eyes were directed towards the screen, but he wasn’t listening. His thoughts always drifted off to Dan, to what had happened; the kiss, the second kiss. His skin always crawled when thinking about it, the way Dan had pushed against him, the way he had sobbed as their lips pressed together, a sound so fearful. 

He knew that Dan was with his therapist at the moment. He still went there twice a week, every Monday and Wednesday, and he wondered if Dan would have talked about what had happened over New Years.

Lost in thought, he didn’t hear the front door, or the footsteps in the hallway. Only a knock on his door brought him back to reality, and he nearly fell out of bed in his haste to open it. 

Dan stood in front of him, pale skin, red eyes, his gaze flicking from the door to Phil’s walk-in closet quickly, before focusing on Phil’s chin. He hadn’t looked him in the eyes since the kiss. 

Phil didn’t know what to say, and apparently neither did Dan for a moment. His shoulders were drawn up and he looked out of place, like he would rather be anywhere else than outside Phil’s door.

Dan wetted his lips with his tongue, and Phil remembered how they felt against his own, thought of how he would like to feel them again. He wanted to kick himself for the thoughts. He’d made Dan so uncomfortable, and so scared, he had no right to think like that.

“Yes?“ he finally asked, to shut up the thoughts running through his mind. He hoped Dan couldn’t hear the guilt lingering in his voice. 

Dan swallowed, and he took a deep breath. “My therapist said we need to talk.“


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, TWT is now more than 50k words long. What am I doing with my life? As always, thank you so much for your lovely comments. I'm really glad you like the story! Someone on Wattpad said they know where this story is going and wished it would end right here... hahaha I wish it was that easy, but it's not. Anyway, this will be the last chapter until February, sorry, but at least it's more than 4k words long. :) Hope you enjoy! :)

They went into the lounge and sat down on the couch. Dan was fidgeting, his fingers fumbling with the hem of his shirt, a tell-tale sign that he was nervous as Phil had noticed by now. Dan’s nervousness made Phil uneasy as well and so, without thinking, he reached out to take both of Dan’s hands into his own. They were cold, his palms clammy from sweat, and Phil started rubbing circles with his thumbs into Dan’s skin, hoping that the motion would sooth Dan. The younger man looked ready to bolt and he could feel how Dan froze up under his touch.

“There’s no need to be nervous, Dan. We’re just going to talk,“ he promised in a soft voice, one that he would normally use on distraught submissives - but that was what Dan was after all.

Dan’s eyes were glued to where his hands lay in Phil’s, and his heart was beating uncomfortably fast in his ribcage. 

“Just going to talk,“ he repeated the words unconsciously. On his way home from therapy, this had seemed like a good idea. Ms. Naruse had told him that he couldn’t possibly hide from Phil forever, and that ignoring the issue wouldn’t help the situation either. He had listened to her, but now he felt like he had done the wrong thing. What was there to talk about after all?

“I’m sorry for what happened.“

Confused by the words, Dan’s gaze snapped up and he was met with sincere-looking blue eyes. 

“Y-you’re sorry?“ he stuttered out. “Why?“

The corners of Phil’s mouth dropped when he heard Dan’s question. It hurt him to think that Dan couldn’t see that he had made a mistake. It only showed how deeply Dan’s previous experience was rooted inside of him, even after all this time. 

“Because I took advantage of you, and even though I was drunk that’s no excuse. I scared you, and that is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I promised you safety in this apartment and I broke my own word. I’m really truly sorry for that.“

Dan looked incredulous. “But you stopped.“

“I shouldn’t have kissed you, or at least I should have realized that you were uncomfortable during the first kiss. And when you cried the second time, shit, I-,“ he stopped talking mid-sentence and shook his head, his voice trembling. “Don’t make me out to be the good guy here for stopping, Dan, when it was me who leaned in for the kiss in the first place.“

Phil let go of one of Dan’s hands, and the other one he turned palm up, held it with one hand and started tracing the lines there with the fingertips of the other. The touch tickled, but Dan didn’t pull away. Instead he watched Phil’s finger ghost over his skin with a tight expression, processing the words that had been spoken. 

“You stopped,“ he repeated his previous statement a second time, “and that alone means a lot to me, because I know how it feels when people don’t stop.“

The words hung heavy in the air, and although Dan had voiced his thoughts in the hopes of cheering Phil up, it only seemed to deepen the frown on his face. 

“I don’t like being compared to that monster.“

“I’m not comparing you to him.“

“I suppose it’s true, though. I am a monster for what I did. I mean, what makes me better than him, at the end of the day?“

Dan tore his gaze away from their hands and looked up at Phil, whose eyes were lowered. It was the first time since New Years that Dan had properly looked at him, and he looked older than usual, like he was thirty-eight instead of twenty-eight. His shoulders were slumped and he really looked worried.

“You want to know what makes you better than him? You pushed me away when I came on to you that night, and when I can’t sleep you read to me. You’re so thoughtful and supportive that sometimes I think it’s only an act, because surely no person could be that considerate. You stay out of my room, because you understand that I need space, and you keep giving and I’ve been waiting for when you’ll start taking in return, but you never do. You’re a good human being, Phil, and one drunk kiss won’t change that.“

He didn’t know where they came from, but the words just came out of him without having to think about them. When the flow of words finally stopped, he noticed that there were no fingertips tracing the lines of his palm anymore. Instead, Phil used the right sleeve of his sweater to dab at his eyes. 

“Are- are you crying?“ Dan asked incredulously. 

Phil gave him a watery smile. “I was worried sick these last few days that I’d fucked up the friendship we’d built. You have no idea how much what you just said means to me. Thank you, Dan.“

Not sure how to react to this situation - usually it was Dan who needed consoling, not other people needing consolation from Dan - he awkwardly patted Phil’s shoulder. “You didn’t fuck anything up. Just- just please don’t kiss me like that anymore.“

“I promise I won’t.“

“That was my first kiss, you know? Since being freed,“ he didn’t know why he said that, but Dan couldn't stop the words from coming out, “and it didn’t turn out the way I expected it. To be honest though, I didn't think I’d kiss someone ever again.“

“I wish it hadn’t happened like that, then. You deserved a different kind of kiss if it was your first.“ Their eyes met, and neither of them could look away after that. 

“Yeah?“ Dan breathed, and even that single utterance sounded shaky.

“You would have deserved something slow and tender, maybe just lips against lips, and hands cradling your head, holding you carefully.“

“Maybe for the third kiss,“ Dan whispered and watched as Phil nodded, transfixed by those blue sparkling eyes. 

Dan was the first to snap out of the moment, and pulled his hand away from Phil’s touch. It felt like he had just woken up from a dream, and with the excuse of having to do homework he fled the room. The moment that had just transpired between him and Phil, had it really happened or had the way Phil looked at him only been Dan’s imagination?  
___

“You two are acting strange,“ PJ observed. His arm was draped over his girlfriend’s shoulder, and she pushed her elbow into his ribs, giving him a meaningful look that was supposed to convey that he should shut up. 

“What?“ her boyfriend asked confused, “I’m just stating the obvious.“

They were over for a gaming night, and within five minutes, PJ had caught up on the tension lingering in the air. 

Phil held his breath. He had expected that Dan would have told PJ about the kiss, had wondered why the other man hadn’t come round to kill him yet, but apparently he had been wrong. 

“I think you’re imagining things, PJ,“ Dan answered and he looked unfazed as he set up the first game. 

Phil went to the kitchen with the excuse to get everyone drinks, when in reality he needed to get away to sort out his thoughts. 

In the week since they had talked, they had gone back to a somewhat normal daily life. Dan wouldn’t flee the room anymore whenever Phil entered, though he still held a reasonable distance between them. They held normal conversations and would eat together. Dan still ate slowly when it was food that Phil had prepared, and when they shared a bottle of something to drink, he would only take few small sips from time to time until he deemed the liquid safe and dared take bigger gulps from his glass. It wasn’t the way it had been before the kiss, because there was a tension now between them that Phil couldn’t explain, but it was better than how he feared it would turn out to be. 

That Dan hadn’t told PJ about the kiss though threw Phil off balance somewhat. Until now, whenever something had happened, Dan had turned to PJ. After all, he’d said himself that PJ was the person he trusted most, so for Dan not to tell him about the kiss was very unusual. 

“Are you alright? You’re taking ages!“ Phil heard Dan call him from the lounge. He shook his head to get rid of the thoughts. 

“I’ll be right there, just got lost in thought.“  
___

It was a Friday night and Dan was lounging on the couch, typing away on his laptop at rapid speed. He’d been in this position for about two hours and the clicking of the keyboard never stilled. The formerly blank document on the screen was filled with many hundred words now, and whenever Dan stopped typing for a bit, a new wave of words crashed over him that he felt the need to bring to paper as fast as possible. He hadn’t felt this inspired to write in a long time. 

When he was younger, Dan had loved writing just as much as reading, and would spend hours a day in the imaginary worlds he had created in his head and try to form them into words that sounded good on paper. But over the years writing started to feel more like a chore than a hobby, and although he still forced himself to write stories occasionally, he never connected with them the way he did when he was younger. Eventually he started to find solace only in reading books. 

And after what had happened a year ago, he had given up on writing completely. He felt no need to create stories anymore, as whenever his mind would have too much time to think, it would go to dark places that he didn’t want to revisit. 

But for a few days, Dan had felt this weird tingling feeling in his fingers, as if they needed occupation, and when he was sat in a lecture today and his thoughts drifted off, it just happened. There was a story in his head, all of a sudden and out of nowhere, and then his entire body felt like it was itching and he couldn’t wait for the lecture to end, because he needed to get home. He needed to write this down, these thoughts in his head that suddenly didn’t want to go away anymore.

Dan hadn’t properly written unless it was for university in over a year, and now he couldn’t stop.  
The characters in his head, he needed to draw them out in words and give them life, and he knew their characteristics as if they were friends he’d known for a long time. 

“Do I need to be worried about you?“ Phil was leaning against the doorframe, dressed in black and hair styled, black eyeliner underlining his eyes and highlighting the blue of his irises. “You haven’t changed position since you came home.“

For the first time, Dan stopped what he was doing to look up from the glowing laptop screen. “I’m too busy writing.“

Phil raised his eyebrows. “I can see that much, but what are you writing about that’s got you this enthusiastic? It usually takes you forever to write something for uni.“

“It’s not for uni.“

“Then what’s it for?“

“It’s an original story for the fun of it.“

Phil looked intrigued now. “I didn’t know you were a writer“

The younger man shrugged his shoulders and ducked his head. He had always liked for others to read his stories, but when it came to talking about his hobby, he always turned shy for some reason. “I haven’t written in a long time. I used to love it when I was younger, and- I just kind of completely stopped after, uh, you know.“

“Oh,“ Phil said, and he looked slightly surprised, “but you’re writing now?“

“I had this idea today. It came out of nowhere and I- I guess I just really wanted to write it down. Why are you dressed up like that anyway?“ he quickly change the topic.

“I’m actually just about to leave, I’m going to the Dungeon.“

Dan looked up again. “You are?“

“Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve been there.“

“Oh,“ Dan murmured, his eyes now everywhere but on Phil, “have fun I guess.“

He could hear the sigh though he thought it wasn’t meant for his ears. “Thanks. Have a good night as well!“

Dan listened to Phil rummage around the apartment for a few more minutes, before the older man said his final goodbye and left, the front door falling shut behind him seconds after. 

He couldn’t explain it, but suddenly Dan had this strange feeling in his chest. It wasn’t like the anxiety that clawed at his ribcage from time to time, more of an emptiness that settled in. Minutes ago he had felt like he was able to write an entire novel in a night, but now none of the words he tried to come up with seemed to fit together, none of the sentences he wanted to write out made sense. What was wrong with him?  
___

It’s been weeks since Phil’s been to the Dungeon, and the familiar surroundings almost felt like returning to a second home. He was greeted by some of the employees and other guests that he had gotten to know over the last year he had lived in London. People made smalltalk with him at the bar, and he had already turned down two submissives tonight. Although he had come with the intention to take someone to the private rooms, now that he was here he felt like he’d rather just watch some scenes going on in the open space for a while. 

He observed scenes more carefully these days when watching, always with the knowledge in the back of his mind that this was the very club that Dan had met the man that had taken him hostage. 

There was a submissive shackled to a St. Andrew’s cross on one side of the room, his entire body shaking as his mistress’ whip came down on his back again and again, and Phil tried to blend into the group of onlookers. The submissive was crying, and every so often he would beg for forgiveness, but the blows wouldn’t stop. Once the scene was over he was freed from his shackles, and when he turned around, supported by his mistress, Phil could see how hard the submissive was. He watched as they went off into the direction of the private rooms with a guard by their side to help the submissive walk, either to continue the scene in a sexual way - because as much as scenes were encouraged in the public space, sexual acts were not condoned - or for aftercare. Phil wondered if Dan would be able to look at a scene like this, and how it would make him feel. 

He went back to the bar, ordered another drink and had just started a conversation with another dominant, when he heard a familiar voice.

“Fancy seeing you here!“

Phil excused himself from his current conversation partner and turned around to be met by a grinning PJ, this time without a dominant trailing behind him. 

PJ was sweaty, bits of his curly hair stuck to his forehead. He was almost glowing tonight, and Phil thought that he must have had a really good scene just before. If he looked closely, he could see the imprint of a collar remaining on PJ’s neck that would fade within the next hour or two. 

“Having fun?“ Phil asked, giving the other man a playful wink.

“Never not having fun at this place.“

Phil normally wasn’t one to ruin the mood, but as soon as he saw PJ, he was reminded of Dan and how he had chosen not to confide in his best friend for once. It was something that had constantly been lingering in the back of Phil’s mind the past week.

“Do you think we could maybe go to a room, you and me?“

The way PJ raised his eyebrows in surprise was almost comical. “I- wow, where did that just come from? Don’t take this personal, Phil, but I really don’t think we shou-“

“Not for that you idiot,“ Phil interrupted him, “there’s something I need to talk to you about concerning Dan.“

“On a Friday night in the Dungeon of all places?“

“Honestly I should have told you way earlier!“

PJ looked worried now. “What’s going on? What happened?“

“Let’s get a room, and I’ll tell you everything.“  
___

“You’re lying.“

They both sat on a couch in one of the private rooms, and PJ didn’t believe a word Phil had just said. He shook his head unbelievingly. “There’s no way. He would have told me!“

“I promise it’s the truth. Why would I make this up?“

“But why hasn’t he told me?“

Phil shrugged. “That’s what I’ve been wondering for a while now. I was already waiting for you to come to our apartment and decapitate me, to be honest with you.“

“And why would I do that?“ PJ frowned. 

“Because I kissed Dan?“

“Although you shouldn’t have done that, it’s not a reason to kill you! And you said it yourself, Dan forgave you, so there’s no reason for me to be cross with you. I’ll talk to him. I won’t tell him that I know about the kiss, but we haven’t properly hung out - just the two of us - in quite a while. Maybe he’ll tell me about it then. And Phil? Thanks for telling me. I think Dan really is lucky to have you in his life.“  
___

PJ immediately disappeared into the sweaty mass of people on the dance floor once they left the private room, and Phil returned back to the bar. He ordered some orange juice and leaned against the counter. 

He was hyperaware of the person standing beside him, a younger woman that stood out like a sore thumb in this type of crowd. She was dressed in colours unlike almost all the other people in the club that were wearing black, and was nervously tugging at the wristband indicating she was a submissive. A bottle of water stood in front of her and her head was lowered, eyes didn’t dare roam the place.

“Is this your first time at a club like the Dungeon?“ Phil asked after he had received his orange juice and taken a sip from it.

The woman’s head shot up and her eyes widened as she saw the bigger man looming over her, and her eyes quickly scanned his wrists, where on one of them a dominant wristband was displayed. 

“I- is it that obvious?“ she asked and Phil could hear the nerves in her voice. 

“Very much, yes,“ he grinned and watched as her cheeks coloured pink. “So what brings you here? Are you curious? Do you want to play? If you want to, I’d love to show you a thing or two back in the private rooms.“

Phil noticed how one of the bartenders never left from where he stood on the other side of the bar right next to them, polishing glasses and polishing them again after they were all done, and he noticed how the woman’s eyes flitted over to him as if looking for help. He guessed that they either knew each other or that he just kept an eye on her to make sure that whatever dominant talked to her was a decent person. New people often didn’t know how the Dungeon worked, and getting picked up by the wrong dominant - Dan had been the extreme exception - but having a dominant that wasn’t sensitive towards his submissive or explained things wrong, could damage a beginner heavily, not only physically, but also mentally

“I’m not really looking for sex,“ she said, and her voice was quiet enough to be hard to hear over the loud music and other noises surrounding them. 

“I completely understand and respect that,“ Phil was quick to answer, “but BDSM doesn’t have to be sexual. It’s up to you if you want to go with me or not, but I could show you the basics. We could figure out together what you like and what not, and I promise I won’t touch you in ways you don’t want me to. Neither of us has to lose any clothes, and if it makes you feel safer we could always ask for a guard to stay in the room with us.“

Again he noticed how she gazed at the barkeeper, and from the corner of his eyes he could see how the man nodded, giving his approval of Phil, telling her that if she would go with him, she would be safe. 

The woman was still nervous but she also looked intrigued, and after a few seconds of thinking, she nodded carefully. “Okay, I’ll go with you.“

“Excellent,“ Phil said and he let his voice drop lower, offered her a hand to take to guide her to the private rooms, “usually I only let my submissives call me Master during a scene, but since this is different from my usual scenes, you can call me Phil. Would you like me to find a guard to overlook our scene?“

She shook her head, and Phil smiled. This wasn’t how he had expected his night to turn out, but he wouldn’t complain. Showing someone new the ropes had always been one of his favourite scenes and he couldn’t wait to break this beautiful woman in.

___

Phil came home at four in the morning, sweaty and tired but also sated, despite not getting off himself tonight at all.

He trudged up the stairs, only to find the lights still on in the lounge. Dan was never anywhere else in the apartment besides his room when Phil came back from the club, except for the one time Phil had found him in the bathroom, and he immediately started to worry if something had happened. 

So when Phil went into the lounge, slowly and with worried thoughts racing through his mind, the sight that greeted him was not what he had expected. 

Dan was lying on the couch, a blanket pulled up to his chest. He was lying on his back and one hand was dangling over the edge of the couch. His fingers barely touched a book that must have slipped from them and was lying on the floor. His head was rolled to the side so that Phil was met with his profile, and his hair was tousled. He breathed through his mouth that was slightly agape, and sometimes his shoulder twitched a bit. Dan looked absolutely beautiful like this and Phil’s heart swelled at the thought that he was comfortable enough to fall asleep in the lounge, a room that he knew Phil frequented as well. 

Phil made his way to the couch, and he went down on his knees before it. He would have loved to watch Dan for a while longer, but he was tired and they both should go to their respective beds, because Phil had fallen asleep on this very couch more than once himself, and he knew that although it was not an uncomfortable couch, Dan would sleep better between his bedsheets. 

For a second the thought of waking Dan up by pressing a kiss to his lips went through his mind, but he quickly shut that one down. Instead he gently shook his shoulder.

“Dan, can you hear me?“ He kept his voice soft.

Dan frowned and turned his head to the other side, and Phil had to smile at that. He shook Dan’s shoulder a bit harder. “Wake up Dan, it’s time to go to bed.“

The brown-haired man blinked drowsily as if he didn’t know what had woken him up, but when he rolled his head back the other way and was met with Phil kneeling before him, his eyes slightly widened. 

“You’re back.“ The words sounded rough from his sleep-heavy voice, but were spoken quietly, barely above a whisper.

“Yes, and you’re on your way to bed now.“

It took about a minute to persuade Dan to get up, and once he stood on his shaky legs, he stumbled and Phil was quick to catch him. He was reminded of New Year’s Eve again, but tried to get rid of those thoughts as well. So he wrapped an arm around Dan’s waist and guided the sleep-drunk man all the way to his room, where he stopped in front of the doorframe. 

“You think you can get into bed on your own without falling?“ Phil asked affectionately, and Dan just nodded tiredly. He was still a bit shaky on his legs when Phil let go of him, but at least he didn’t fall. 

“Goodnight, Phil,“ Dan mumbled and then he closed the door in Phil’s face, and the older man was left standing in the hallway and wondering why Dan had sounded so relieved when he spoke the words “You’re back“ after being woken up. 

___

When Dan woke up with morning wood most days, it was just an inconvenience. His erections in the morning always felt harder and thicker then from sexual arousal - not that Dan had had many of the latter within the last year - and more sensitive to touch, so most of the time he would just wait for it to die down for a few minutes before getting out of bed. As he woke up this morning though, he realized that it was different.

Maybe it had been from a sexual dream that he couldn’t remember anymore, but Dan could immediately tell that this was not typical morning wood but an erection from sexual arousal, and even though he waited for several minutes, it didn’t disappear. 

Dan didn’t masturbate often, at least not anymore. When he was younger, he’d do it sometimes up to four times a day, but since what had happened touching himself felt wrong, and it came with flashbacks if he didn’t manage to make it as clinical as possible. Sure, the orgasms still felt good, but afterwards he always felt as if he had done something dirty, so he didn’t do it often.

However, today he had to get ready for university soon, as he had set his alarm clock later than usual already, and wandering around the apartment with an erection was definitely out of the question. So he let his left hand travel south beneath his pyjama pants to quickly solve the problem.

As the warm palm of his hand wrapped around his cock, Dan couldn’t help but sigh. It’s been weeks since he did this last, and he tried to shut off his brain. No matter what he thought about, it would always turn into memories that he wanted to forget, and so he just stared up at the white ceiling and didn’t allow his mind to wander, his strokes quick and steady with the intent to come as soon as possible.

He felt his orgasm pool in the pit of his stomach within few minutes. Back when he used to enjoy this, he would always tease himself and try to hold off his orgasm for as long as possible, but these days he wasn't interested in that anymore.

His hand sped up a bit, and he squeezed a bit tighter, and his eyelids fluttered shut as an orgasm ripped through his entire body, and suddenly he saw blue eyes in his mind, and he felt the ghost of soft lips roughly pressing against his.

When it was over and Dan opened his eyes again, he was panting heavily and his left hand was shaking where it was still wrapped around his now softening dick and covered in cum. How was he supposed to meet Phil’s eyes ever again after what had just happened?


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, how have you been? I'm back from the dead, and survived all of my exams. The good news is, I only failed one out of nine. The bad news is, you'll have to deal with my writing more often again, because I'm on break now for a month and plan to spend most of it writing. Hope you enjoy! :) x

Just when Phil had thought that things between them were okay, he was proven wrong again. 

It had happened overnight. In the evening, Dan had laughed at one of Phil’s jokes, and the next morning, he had scurried past Phil without looking up, only a faint “Good morning,“ coming from his lips, and Phil had noticed how his cheeks had been coloured red. Weeks had passed since that morning, and Phil still hadn’t figured out if there was something he had said or done for Dan to act the weird way he did. 

Although PJ had tried talking to him more than once, it seemed like Dan’s lips were sealed tight. He hadn’t let anything slip about the kiss, although a month had already passed since then. 

Of course Phil tried to come up with explanations for the sudden shift in Dan’s behaviour, but since he had no idea what had caused it, he had tried to just ignore it for now and hope that maybe it was just a phase, tried not to worry too much about it - that was, until he spotted Dan on an early Monday evening strolling through a bookshop not too far from their apartment. 

As soon as he saw him, Phil hid behind a shelf, but tried not to let Dan out of his sight at the same time. He watched as the younger man stood between the bookshelves, his fingers sometimes gracing the back of books. Some he pulled out and read the blurb, and Phil could see the way the corners of his lips would quirk upwards, or the way his eyebrows would knit together at some of the words he read. 

He was too engrossed with watching Dan look at books to notice the male employee that came up behind his flatmate, and he pressed his lips tightly together when he watched the man ask Dan, if he could help him with something. 

Dan, who hadn’t seemed to notice the other man’s approach either, immediately recoiled from the voice behind him and almost dropped the book in his hands. Both he and the employee reached out for it, their fingers brushed, and Dan flinched back. Phil could hear Dan stumbling over his words, and he had to hold back from entering the scene to calm him down and get the employee to leave Dan alone. Instead he watched the way Dan fled the store, leaving a confused employee with the book in his hands behind. 

Phil turned his attention back to the books he had been browsing before spotting Dan, but he couldn’t forget the encounter he had just witnessed. He knew Dan had always been jumpy, but he hadn’t realized it was this extreme in such an innocent situation - and besides, when Dan had left the apartment about an hour earlier, he had claimed to be leaving for his therapist, just like every other Monday and Wednesday evening. Phil knew for a fact though, that Dan’s therapist’s office was more than a few underground stations away. Dan had said that he’d be there, so had he lied to Phil? And if yes, why had he done that? Phil hadn’t worried too much about Dan, had thought that maybe his weird behaviour would go away eventually - but not opening up to people he trusted, lying and not going to his therapist’s office, all these things made Phil think that something had to be going on.  
___

When Dan arrived home, it was at the usual time he would be back after his therapist’s session. Phil could hear how he shrugged out of his coat and toed off his shoes. He was lying on the couch with his laptop on his lap, mindlessly browsing the internet.

“Hey, how was it at your therapist’s?“ Phil asked when Dan came into the lounge, and he tried to sound as nonchalant as possible. 

“It was alright,“ was Dan’s short answer. 

“Oh,“ Phil moved the laptop from his lap to the coffee table and sat up. “So what did you talk about?“

He watched as Dan ducked his head. His flatmate sounded defensive as he answered: “You never wanted to know that before, and it’s none of your business anyway.“

With those words Dan left the lounge. 

Phil blinked owlishly. Dan had never talked to him like this since they’d moved in together, his words had almost sounded angry. And so he got up from the couch, and trailed behind him. He expected to find Dan in his room, but the younger man was actually in the kitchen. Phil leaned against the doorframe as Dan closed the door of the cupboard, a glass in his left hand.

“Why are you following me?“ Dan asked, and if there was any word to describe the bitterness in his voice, Phil would have said that he was fuming. 

Suddenly, Phil had the feeling that it wasn’t his Dan standing in the kitchen, but the younger Dan that he had first met about a year ago. Back then Dan had accused Phil of following him as well, had been cold and stand-offish. They’d gotten somewhere over the past few months - hell, they had even kissed, although that had ended in a complete disaster - but now Phil felt like not a day had passed since that time Dan had told him to piss off. 

“Why are you lying?“ Phil asked challengingly.

“Excuse me?“ 

“You didn’t see your therapist today. I saw you at the bookstore a few streets away.“

Dan’s entire face was coloured red. Whether it was out of embarrassment from being caught, or from anger, Phil couldn’t tell. 

“You followed me.“ Dan sounded accusing, almost hurt.

“No, I didn’t. I just happened to see you in the shop. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m worried about you, and so is PJ. What’s going on with you lately, Dan? What happened?“

“You want to know what happened?“ Dan asked, seething. He repeated the words a second time, louder than before, as he faced Phil, and he looked almost animalistic. 

Phil didn’t answer right away, not sure if yes or no was the right answer in this situation, but Dan never gave him a choice anyway. 

“What happened is that I have a stupid, ridiculous crush on you, Phil. I have a fucking crush on you, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about your stupid fucking face and your stupid fucking friendliness and -“, he screamed the words, and with a loud breaking sound, the glass in his hand fell to the floor, broke in pieces, its impact breaking one of the white tiles, “I don’t want to have a crush on you. I don’t want to think about you, because it’s fucking scary is what it is, and I don-,“ his voice cracked, just like the tile had done, “I don’t know what to do.“

Tears were dripping down his reddened cheeks, and he had to take in deep breaths after he had stopped screaming. He pressed both his palms against the kitchen counter and lowered his head, and Phil couldn’t see his face, but he could see tears dripping to the floor. 

He’s never felt more out of place. 

Dan had - 

Dan had a crush on him?

“Dan,“ he said softly, but the younger man just shook his head. 

“Please, don’t,“ he whispered, and his voice was raw from screaming, and the quiet words sounded even louder in Phil’s ears than the once screamed at his face before. 

“Just leave, please. Leave me alone.“

Phil wanted to say more, but he watched the way Dan’s shoulders shook, could hear him stifle a sob, and although all his instincts yelled at him to comfort, he listened to Dan’s plea, left the kitchen and went into his room. 

It couldn’t possibly be true, could it?

He had never had the feeling before that Dan saw anything more in him than a flatmate, maybe sometimes a friend that he could trust. 

And Phil, he had always been so careful to hide his attraction for the other man, and had mostly succeeded in it if one could oversee the kiss. 

Because Dan was attractive, with his chestnut brown hair that was a tad too long, and the dark brown eyes that looked so guarded. His smooth skin, and his tall lanky frame. Phil wouldn’t have talked to him that first time in the Dungeon if it hadn’t been for the fact that he had liked what he had seen. And of course he had wondered back then why none of the other dominants had talked to Dan, had stayed clear of the gorgeous man. He had seen it as his lucky day back then, imagining taking someone like Dan to the private rooms; he would have looked so pretty all tied up. 

He wouldn’t have tried talking to Dan in the library the following week, if it hadn’t been his beautiful face that had stayed in Phil’s memory. 

And yet, Phil had never understood why on the day they had met at the Dungeon, that cold night months ago, Dan had worn a submissive wristband, instead of wearing one that labelled him as not available. 

Phil realized that Dan’s feelings for him could fuck up everything between them. Dan had said it himself, he was scared, and in all honesty, Phil was at a loss for what to do. He felt like he should know how to handle this situation - he was several years older than Dan after all, he was supposed to be the major one in this situation - but there were two things they could do and both of them could end up going horribly wrong. 

He could ignore Dan’s crush, and act like nothing had been said, but that could hurt Dan and it would definitely hurt Phil, being so close to someone and not being able to have them, although he wanted to. 

Or he could act upon Dan’s crush. He could take him out on dates, that beautiful boy, and could make him his, but that might scare Dan away. With his past, Phil knew that a relationship would be tough. After all, he knew how guarded Dan was, and he could understand that with Dan’s previous experience, it would be hard to be able to get close to him, not only in the physical, but also in the psychological way. 

As it was right now, maybe it would be best to let Dan decide. 

Sometimes Phil wondered how it would have been if they had met under different circumstances, not as dominant and submissive but as two strangers in the library that could start a conversation over Macbeth. Just how much would things have gone differently between them then?  
___

Dan had pricked his finger on one of the shards when cleaning the broken remains of the glass away, and the cracked tile was an ugly reminder of what had happened. The crack in it was slightly rounded, and to Dan it looked like a smile, as if the tile was laughing at his misery. 

He couldn’t believe he had just told Phil.

The realization that he had a crush on Phil had punched him in the face one day after he had masturbated with Phil on his mind. He’d been at university, his nose buried deep inside a book to study, but no matter how many times he read the words, he couldn’t concentrate on them. His thoughts always drifted off to Phil, and that’s when he had noticed the way his heart felt like it fluttered when thinking about the other man. Dan had tried to avoid him ever since.

This was not just something he could talk to PJ about, and he also didn’t think he could trust his therapist with it. That’s why he had stopped going there, about two weeks ago. 

He didn’t want this. 

He hadn’t asked for this. 

Dan used to be someone who enjoyed being in relationships, or just fooling around with people. He liked emotions, he wanted to feel, and he loved feeling wanted. 

But ever since the- but ever since when he had woken up in the hospital, all that wanting had disappeared. Instead of wanting to be wanted, Dan wanted for people to not look at him and his body ever again. He covered it in clothes too loose, he didn’t want people too close. He had been okay with the thought of not being with someone ever again, because how- how was he supposed to trust someone enough to ever let them close again? 

Those who trust are vulnerable to others, and Dan had never wanted to be vulnerable ever again. And having a crush on Phil Lester was definitely not what he wanted. 

The thing was this: He knew that Phil found him attractive. He wouldn’t have talked to him in the Dungeon that first time if he hadn’t seen at least something in Dan. And Dan was sure, that if given the opportunity, Phil would date him.

But he just didn’t know if he could date Phil. Hell, only two months ago he had thought that he’d never want to date anyone ever again. But Phil was kind, and when he closed his eyes, Dan sometimes wondered what it would be like to be lying wrapped up in his arms.

Then he opened his eyes again, and he remembered that being with Phil wasn’t possible, because just thinking about close physical contact with someone made his heart race uncomfortably fast in a bad way. And Phil was a dominant, he wanted control, and that was the last thing Dan would be able to give him in a relationship. 

Dan wanted Phil.

Nothing scared him more than the thought of being with Phil.

And now Phil knew. 

___

Phil played with his mobile phone. He’d unlocked it three times by now, and his fingers had hovered over the call button, but he’d never pressed it, just waited until the screen turned black again and started fiddling with it again, until the circle repeated itself and he unlocked it again.

It took him fifteen minutes of that game before he finally had the courage to press the call button. 

PJ picked up after the sixth dial tone. 

“What’s up, Phil?“ he asked, and he sounded tired. Phil wondered if he had woken him up, although it was only early evening.

“I need your help, PJ. I want to take Dan on a date.“


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, how are you? :) I hope you're okay. I've got not much to say today, but thanks as always for your lovely comments. Hope you enjoy this new chapter! :) x

If there was one thing that Dan was good at by now, it was avoiding Phil. He’d had months of practice by now after all. He would lie in bed until he heard Phil leave for work in the morning, even if it meant that he would be late for his morning lecture, and he would spend his afternoons at the library, reading books or typing away on his laptop, the story he had started weeks ago often still developing in his head at the weirdest times. He was getting undressed to take a shower? There was a new scene in his head that he needed to write down. His thoughts were drifting off during one of his lectures? There was suddenly an idea for a plot twist in the story that he quickly jotted down amid the notes he had taken, and highlighted it bright yellow as to not forget about it. 

When he got home, he always ran to his room straight away. That one time Phil called his name from the living room? He ignored him and put on headphones once he was safely in his room, turning up the music loud enough to drown out any noises from the outside world. He needed to go to the bathroom? Well, he just had to hold it in, because before he heard Phil go to bed, he would not leave his room. His strategy worked, at least for a few days. 

When Dan woke up on Thursday, he felt ill. His head was hurting, and so was every muscle in his body. He had a runny nose and swallowing hurt his throat, but still he managed to stumble out of bed and into the hallway. 

Phil was nowhere to be seen or heard in the apartment, he must have left for work already, and Dan was thankful for that. They hadn’t really spoken after the incident in the kitchen, and he didn’t feel up for seeing Phil just yet.

The few steps downstairs to make it into the bathroom had never felt so exhausting to Dan. The lukewarm water he splashed his face with felt like it hurt his skin. When he looked up into the mirror, it was like a zombie version of himself staring back at him. Dan hadn’t felt this sick in years. 

He went to the toilet, and afterwards tried to brave the few steps again. He was embarrassingly out of breath by the time he was back in his room, but that didn’t stop him from changing from his pyjamas into normal clothes. He had to be at university soon, there were only ten more minutes to spare for breakfast, but he had to cut that out, because the thought of swallowing more than his own spit and a few sips of milk when his throat felt like he had eaten nails for dinner last night, made the prospect of food less than exciting. 

To be honest, he wasn’t exactly sure how he made it through the day. Fellow students sat as far away from him as possible, and the sound of him blowing his nose interrupted today’s lectures every few minutes. By the time he was on the underground on his way home, Dan’s eyes were repeatedly falling shut from exhaustion, and his nose was red and irritated from blowing it so often.

Unlocking the front door with the hope that Phil wasn’t back from work yet, Dan was disappointed by the welcoming lights turned on in the hallway. He shed his coat and toed off his shoes, had to hold on to the wall for that or else he would have lost his balance, and slowly climbed up the few more stairs into their hallway. 

His hopes of getting to his room without Phil hearing were immediately crushed as the black-haired man came out of the lounge to greet him. 

“Hey, Dan. Can we-,“ he stopped mid-sentence when his eyes lay on Dan, and immediately concern was clear to see on his face. “You look terrible.“

“Thanks,“ Dan muttered sarcastically, closing his eyes briefly, because the brightness of the lights in the hallway hurt both his eyes and his head. His voice was raspy and he pulled out a tissue out of the back pocket of his jeans to clean his nose again. 

“You’re sick.“

“No shit, Sherlock.“ Dan would have rolled his eyes, if he hadn’t felt so weak that even such a simple gesture seemed too much effort. 

“Then why the fuck did you go out today?“ Phil asked, and he sounded almost exasperated. 

Dan was confused by that. “Because I had lectures? Why, what’s bothering you?“

“What’s bothering me is that you’re obviously really sick and that it’s anything but good for you to be walking around London in that condition. You’re supposed to take care of yourself, Dan. And running around town while you look like you’re about to pass out is not exactly what taking care of yourself means.“

“Why do you even care?“ Dan turned his head away.

Would he not have done that, but looked at Phil instead, he would have seen the way Phil’s face fell at that comment, but his question wasn’t answered. 

“Go get changed into something comfortable and go to bed now.“ Phil stopped for a moment, before continuing to speak. “Please. I’ll bring you some tea.“

Any other day, Dan would have argued about not being a child and not needing anyone to take care of him, but he was too tired and distracted by the never-ending pounding in his head, so he just grumbled instead and followed Phil’s instructions. 

Changed into more comfortable clothing, he slid into his bed, his eyelids heavy. He was on the verge of falling asleep, but he couldn’t quite manage to actually do it. 

The sound of a soft knock against his open door pulled him back from the space between sleep and reality that he was floating in. He emitted nothing more but a small rumbling sound in response. 

He felt like his entire body had been filled with lead. It was hard to even move his fingers, and every part of his body ached.

“Your tea is ready,“ Phil spoke in a quiet voice. 

Dan couldn’t see him, he was facing away from the door, but he could feel the other man’s presence hovering at the doorframe. 

Was he supposed to get up and fetch the drink himself? Dan couldn’t do much more than groan at the idea of getting up and actually moving around. All he wanted to do was sleep. Why couldn’t he just fall asleep right now? 

“You should really drink something, Dan,“ his flatmate sounded persistent. “Staying hydrated is very important when you’re sick.“

“Don’t wanna move,“ Dan’s voice came out muffled, as half of his mouth was hidden by his pillow. 

“If you don’t mind me coming into your room, I can bring you the tea.“

Dan closed his eyes, and he let out a deep breath, that was immediately followed by a cough. He’d been coughing so much that his ribcage was starting to hurt too, just like his nose did from being blown, and Dan honestly couldn’t remember the last time he felt this terrible.

It was probably the state of delirium that he was in , the pain in his body distracting him enough to agree just to have Phil shut up and let him fall asleep.

Then there were footsteps, and they stopped next to his bed, and for a second Dan held his breath.

“Can you sit up for me, please?“ came the careful request, and Dan complied with a groan. He shifted around under the blanket, pushed himself up with the last of his energy, and rested his back against the bed’s headboard. 

Phil looked out of place in his room, like he somehow didn’t fit in. The man and his usually brightly-coloured t-shirts - except the outfit he wore to the Dungeon - stood in bright contrast to the way Dan’s room was mostly kept mostly black and white safe for the odd spots of colour scattered around. Having him stand so close to Dan’s bed made the younger man uncomfortable, and he swallowed nervously, ignoring the pain in his throat. 

A warm mug was pressed into his hands and he accepted it, took a small sip out of it. The tea was fruit-flavoured, tasted like forest berries, but Dan’s stuffy nose also affected his tastebuds, and he could only taste them faintly on his tongue. He forced a few gulps of it down his aching throat, before lowering the mug. It was immediately taken out of his hands again, and Phil placed it on Dan’s nightstand. 

“You can lie down again, if you want to,“ Phil said, and Dan didn’t have to be told twice. Again he cocooned himself in his blanket, only his head poking out, and he closed his eyes. His breaths were deep and he had to take them through his mouth, chapped dry lips parted. 

A hand suddenly on his forehead made him jump and open his eyes again.

“Shh, Dan, easy now. I’m only checking your temperature,“ Phil immediately spoke in a soothing voice, and he looked concerned. 

Dan didn’t like the way Phil was leaning slightly over him, but the cool touch of Phil’s fingers on his forehead, although his skin was oversensitive, felt good. They brushed his hair to the side almost absentmindedly. 

“Can you stay awake for me a few more minutes? I’m just going to get a thermometer, you feel slightly warm.“

Phil looked at him as if waiting for an answer, and Dan nodded into the pillow. Anything to get Phil away from him and finally let him sleep.

But what if, now that he had granted Phil entrance into his room once, Phil would think that the offer would always stand? What if he came into Dan’s room when - 

no. 

Dan didn’t want to think of that. He’d had those thoughts before, right after moving in, and his fears had never become reality. Phil wouldn’t do that, wouldn’t take advantage of Dan like that.

At least that’s what Dan hoped. 

Phil returned, and when Dan took his own temperature and handed the thermometer back to him he frowned at it, concerned. 

“You’ve really got it bad,“ he said, and Dan appreciated how he kept his voice as quiet as possible. Even the noises on the street that he could barely hear from his room were too loud for him today. 

“Tired,“ he muttered and closed his eyes again, pulled his blanket tighter around his body and sighed.

“Of course, I’ll leave you to get some sleep. And Dan?“

Dan only fluttered his eyelids open and hummed, not finding the strength in himself anymore to reply verbally. He looked at Phil standing beside his bed, who was watching him with concern in his eyes. 

“Thanks for letting me take care of you.“

Before Phil had even left the room and closed the door behind him, Dan was already asleep.

___

It took two days until Dan felt fit enough to leave bed and transfer himself to the lounge. He had been restless, and at the same time too weak to do anything, and to his horror, Phil had taken days off work to take care of him.

He wouldn’t really bother him, but he checked in every so often, brought him tea, or some porridge or other easily digestible food if Dan felt up for eating. He brought medicine and made Dan take his temperature every few hours, sometimes opened up the window for Dan to get some fresh air, and not once did he seem bothered by playing nurse.

When Dan tried persuade Phil to leave him alone, because he might get sick as well, Phil would only laugh and shake his head, assuring Dan that he rarely got ill. 

At first Dan had hated it, the way Phil would hover over his bed, the near constant attention, the way his head would poke in whenever he had another coughing fit, but once the worst of it was over, and Dan felt like his head was slowly clearing again, he actually started to appreciate what Phil had done. 

There had been no reason for him to look after Dan, to make sure that he would not die of dehydration when lying in bed, but he still did, and he had never seemed irritated by it. 

Dan was lying on the couch now, and Phil was sitting at the other end, barely taking up space. They were watching TV, but Dan could barely pay attention to it. He had taken his pillow and blanket with him for comfort, or more like Phil had carried them into the lounge while Dan had stumbled down the hallway at a slow but steady pace, slightly dizzy from lying still for so long. He was still very tired, and slept a lot, and his eyes drifted shut with the constant comforting noise of the TV in the background and Phil sometimes shifting next to him.

___

He jerked up, skin covered in sweat, with no idea how much time had passed. It’d been another of his nightmares, where he woke up in the unfamiliar place that had been his prison for weeks, hearing the footsteps and feeling disoriented from the drugs, pain in his ass.

It was hard to breathe and Dan tried to wrestle the blanket from his body that still felt like an assailant, and then it fell to the floor and Dan almost tumbled down as well, but a cool touch on his left ankle stilled him immediately. 

A few seconds - that’s what it took for him to take in his surroundings, the noises from the TV and coming from the street. It was already dark outside, he must have been asleep for a while. Phil still sat at the other end of the couch, down by his feet, and he had one palm lying on Dan’s ankle, tried to rub soothing circles with his thumb into the skin there. 

“It was just a dream,“ he talked quietly, and he looked like he’d just woken up as well, black hair standing away from his head in tufts, “you’re safe, it was just a nightmare.“

Dan took in a deep breath and let out an involuntary whimper, and tears sprang into his eyes. Now with the blanket gone from his body, he felt too exposed, and he pulled it up from the floor again, covered his body with it. He could feel the way his shirt stuck to his chest drenched with sweat, but ignored the sensation in favor of hiding himself under the duvet.

“Sorry,“ he mumbled and blinked, willing the tears to go away. 

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.“

Dan lowered himself again, his head meeting his soft pillow, and stared at the ceiling blankly, trying not to dwell on the scene his unconscious mind had conjured up for him. 

“I haven’t had them in a while, the nightmares,“ he said with a sigh, “I thought I’d be over them now, but apparently not.“

Phil continued drawing circles into Dan’s skin with his thumb, the touch slow and soothing. Neither of them talked for a few minutes, while Dan focused on taking deep breaths and willed his heart to slow down again.

“About the other day-“

“I really don’t want to talk about this right now, Phil,“ Dan muttered, surprised by the sudden change of topic

“I know, but you never let me answer.“

Phil’s thumb stopped moving, but Dan was hyperaware of the fact that he did not move his hand away from his ankle. “I never asked you for an answer.“

“I want to go on a date with you.“

Dan’s head shot up again. 

“What?“ he asked, voice alarmed, “you can’t be serious.“

But Phil was looking at him intensely, and Dan found it hard to keep eye contact, but it was also hard to look away from the icy blue eyes. 

“Why not?“

“Because- I don’t know, because this wouldn’t work?“ Dan pulled his foot away from Phil’s touch, pushed himself into a sitting position and pulled his knees to his chest, hugging them close. His blanket had now fallen to the floor a second time. “I don’t know how you think this could work!“

“Dan, listen to me, please. I’ve talked to PJ-“

“You talked to PJ!?“

“Would you stop interrupting me for a second?“ Phil’s voice grew louder, and Dan immediately shut his mouth and ducked his head, apologizing under his breath. He couldn’t suppress the shiver that ran through his body.

Immediately Phil softened his voice. “Shit, Dan, I’m sorry.“ He reached out to Dan, but stopped in his movement and placed his hand on his lap instead. Phil paused and waited, and only after Dan acknowledged his apology with a slight nod, did he continue to talk. “Let me take you out, please? Obviously you don’t have to say yes, but if you want to, we could spend a nice day together. We could go to the cinema, or to the zoo maybe. Whatever you want, the decision is yours. And at the end of the date, you can decide what you want this to be. We can pretend the date never happened, and go back to just living with each other and being friends. Or, if you want to, we can start dating.“

Dan hated the way he could feel his cheeks heating up at Phil’s words. The idea of dating someone, dating Phil of all people, seemed impossible to him, absolutely- 

“Stop overthinking,“ Phil chided quickly, and he sounded amused. “I can almost see the gears turning in your head. For now, you just get better, and then when you’re ready we’ll continue talking about this.“

___

It was on a Monday, a week after Phil had asked Dan out on a date, that Dan sent the text message to Phil. 

_One date._

That was all it said. He had pressed the send button, and after that immediately looked up to his therapist, eyes panicked and fingers slightly shaking. She had returned his worried look with a soft smile, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and squeezed it encouragingly.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?“ 

He shook his head, and the phone almost fell out of his hands in surprise when it vibrated. 

_Friday night okay? :):):)_

Dan took a deep breath, and replied affirmatively. 

When he came home after therapy that night, Phil didn’t mention any of it. But he did smile a bit brighter than usual, and maybe Dan only imagined it, but there was a small spring in his step.

What had he gotten himself into?


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are honestly all way too nice, thank you so much for all your lovely comments. They always make me smile! :) I didn't plan to post this today, but my lovely beta was super quick with editing and I got out of work three hours earlier, so why not. Hope you enjoy. ;) x

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing.“

“What are you talking about?“

Dan tried to look as innocent as possible, but he knew from the look on PJ’s face that the other man had figured out exactly what was going on by now. They were sitting in his and his girlfriend’s apartment, both busy typing up essays for university classes. 

“On Monday you agreed to go on a date with Phil, and starting on Tuesday you followed me home every day like a lost puppy. I appreciate you wanting to spend time with me, but you can’t just hide from Phil in my flat. You’ve barely been home except to sleep. To be honest, I’m surprised you haven’t asked to sleep on my couch yet.“

“I’m no-“

“No, Dan, don’t even try to deny it when it’s so obvious. You’re my best friend and you can talk to me about anything. If I can, I’ll help you, but first you have to tell me what’s going on.“

Dan shuffled his lecture notes around, and started to draw random doodles on one of his handouts. It was just a simple crisscross pattern, and he followed the tip of the pen with his eyes while creating the black net on his paper as PJ talked. 

“I don’t want to go on a date with Phil.“

There, he said it. Although they were said quietly, the words were finally out. They’d been on his mind for days now, ever since Phil’s offer to take him out. Just the thought of being wined and dined by someone made his skin crawl. Dan had been on dates before, he wasn’t an idiot, he knew how they went most of the time. You go somewhere, you have conversation - sometimes forced and painfully awkward - and at the end of the date chances are at least one participant is hoping for something more. Dan started finding it hard to breathe when he thought about what Phil might expect from him at the end of a date. 

But then again, it was Phil. Phil who had promised to not pressure Dan into anything. He had broken that promise already though, back on New Year’s Eve, and now that Dan had told him that he had developed a stupid fucking crush on him, Phil must have thought that Dan was easy prey. Why else could he possibly want to take Dan out on a date?

And Dan, he just didn’t know how to say no anymore. From the first time he’d met Phil, he’d always told him no, and so far, Phil had respected it. But what if he stopped respecting it and decided to take what he wanted? It had happened before. It would be so much easier for Dan to just give Phil what he desired, and maybe he would be nice about it, more gentle? After all, Dan supposed had been teasing him all this time. Phil had wanted him the first night they’d met, and Dan supposed that the want could have been there all this time, though Dan had never allowed anything to happen. It wouldn’t be a surprise if Phil snapped soon, especially now that he knew that, in a way, Dan desired him as well. 

Dan was a tease. He’d always been one and apparently he would always continue to be one. He’d paid for that trait once before; simply thinking about the word tease made him remember the taste of blood on his tongue. He’d been taught a lesson about it already, but apparently he hadn’t had learned. Maybe it’s what Dan deserved. 

And maybe it was his fault for telling Phil about his crush. He hadn’t even meant to do it, had never wanted to let anyone know about it. He’d avoided PJ’s calls in case the topic of Phil came up. He had missed two of his sessions with Mrs. Naruse, and maybe his plan of trying to build walls would have worked, if his nerves hadn’t worn so thin and if Phil hadn’t cornered him in the kitchen. Although he hadn’t even cornered him, just stood at the door, but it was still the place where they had shared a kiss, and in that moment Dan had remembered the feeling of the counter pressing into his back again, and the way he had been caged between two arms, and a body had pressed against his, and it had all just come out. He would never have told Phil if he hadn’t gotten so panicked from the memories. Had Phil confronted him in any other room he probably wouldn’t have told him. And the look on Phil’s face, so surprised. And Dan had felt so embarrassed once he’d told him, and panicked, and honestly, Dan had never intended for Phil to know. It had just kind of happened.

“You want to cancel the date?“ PJ asked, sounding less surprised than Dan had expected. 

“Yes,“ Dan answered quietly

“And why is that?“

Dan finally stopped drawing on the paper and looked up. PJ was leaning forward, his left elbow propped on the table and his chin resting in the palm of his hand. He looked up at Dan from his position, looking genuinely curious. 

Dan shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “Because it’s a date.“

“Ah.“ PJ nodded, cocked his head, and then paused just to shake it instead. “No, actually I have no idea what you’re trying to imply with that.“

“A date, PJ. Things can happen on dates.“

“Dan, as harsh as it might sound, not everyone is going to kidnap you on a date.“

Dan loved PJ as a friend, he really did, but sometimes he also just wanted to punch him hard. That comment had been uncalled for. He knew that PJ intended it to be sarcastic, but sometimes his friend could be really inconsiderate. Of course Dan didn’t expect Phil to kidnap him, but- 

“But what if he wants other things? Something more,“ he said through gritted teeth.

“He’s Phil, for fucks sake, Dan. He’s the guy that stays out of your room and went to the shops just to buy bottled drinks for you as soon as he found out that you’d been drugged before. He’s the guy that calls me over at two a.m. after you have a nightmare, because he thinks it would be more comforting for you to have me there. Besides, he’s asked me to help plan this date he takes you on, and I can guarantee that you’ll love it and that there’s absolutely nothing you have to be worried about.“

“He’s also Phil, the dominant that told me more than once that he would ‘teach me a lesson’.“ For a second Dan contemplated if he should mention the kiss as well, but he bit his tongue. PJ didn’t have to know everything, he probably wouldn’t understand Dan’s reaction and thoughts about it anyway. 

“If you really don’t want this date, then you should just cancel it.“

“He’s going to kill me if I do that.“

PJ snorted at that. “Phil won’t hurt a fly.“

“I think you’ve forgotten that he likes to chain up people in his spare time.“

“And I think you’ve forgotten that you once liked being chained up by people in your spare time,“ PJ bit back. “I can understand why you’re not particularly fond of the BDSM scene anymore, but you have to remember that there’s a difference between being a dominant once a week and being someone that deliberately hurts people. When Phil moved down from Manchester, he came with a really good reputation. I don’t know what he did to get that reputation, but it shows that he can be trustworthy in my opinion. I’ve seen him scene with someone else before. He’s good and he’s considerate, and I’m sure he’d completely understand if you don’t want a BDSM relationship with him.“

“But what if he needs it, PJ?“

“There are other options. Look at me and my girlfriend. She’s not into the scene, and I can still get what I want. You could have the same arrangement. It’s an unconventional relationship, but the BDSM scene isn’t exactly conventional either, and we’re both happy.“

“At this point I’m not sure anymore if you’re trying to talk me into cancelling the date or not cancelling it,“ Dan muttered in frustration.

“I’m not trying to talk you into anything. I’m just sharing my thoughts with you, what you actually want to do is your decision.“

___

He cancelled the date on Thursday, and Phil took it better than he had expected. He had looked slightly hurt, but shrugged his shoulders and smiled. “Whatever makes you comfortable, Dan. If you ever change your mind, just let me know, alright?“

In hindsight it was kind of funny how much Dan had stressed out over how to tell Phil that he simply couldn’t do it. He had felt queasy the entire day, and it was ridiculous, and in the end his voice had cracked when he had told Phil that he didn’t want to go out with him. 

Dan went to bed at ten that night, bid Phil goodnight before retreating to his room. But just because he wanted to go to sleep early for once did not mean that his body or mind cooperated. He lay awake for hours, and not even counting sheep helped to lull him to sleep - not as if that had ever helped before, but Dan was desperate enough in that moment to just try it. 

A quick look at the clock on his phone told him that it was shortly before midnight when he heard Phil go into his room. The walls always seemed thinner during nighttime, and it was so much easier to hear sounds once it was dark outside. Maybe it was because there was barely any traffic on the streets, and the birds weren’t chirping, and all their neighbours were quiet as well, most of them already asleep. 

So Dan was able to hear Phil lie down in his bed, and he could hear him shifting. He didn’t think much about it, only wondered if Phil would have an easier time falling asleep than himself. 

Then he heard a sound. At first he wasn’t sure, maybe it was just his imagination, but only seconds later, he heard it again.

Moaning.

Phil moaning.

Dan felt like his ribcage was constricting, ribs pressing into his lungs making it hard to breathe. Phil was- Phil was masturbating, right in the next room, only a wall between them. He was mere meters away, and although the noises he was making weren’t loud, to Dan they were as loud as a gunshot ringing in his ears. He couldn’t help the way his entire body froze. No locks on the doors. He didn’t feel safe, but if he moved now, if he fled to the bathroom, surely Phil would hear him, and Phil would know that Dan had heard him, and what if he came after Dan?

Phil moaned again, and a shiver ran down Dan’s spine. He pressed his face into his pillow, bit his lip hard enough to draw blood in order to keep in noises. Don’t alert Phil. Don’t make him aware that you’re right in the next room.

The worst thing of all was the way Dan felt himself getting hard and there was no way to avoid it. He could clearly imagine Phil lying in his bed, the way he would have his hand wrapped around his hard dick and stroking himself, maybe playing with his balls with his other hand, and Dan whimpered, because as much as the thought of that scared him, it also aroused him, and Dan hated himself for that. It was just as bad as when he’d got hard when they kissed, if not even worse. 

So he pressed his face into the pillow harder, and let it muffle his sobs, and he pulled the blanket over his head in hopes of blocking out the noises, but he could still hear the moans and pinpoint the exact moment that Phil came. 

Dan didn’t get much sleep that night.  
___

It was rare for Dan to run into Phil in the morning. The older man often left the flat before Dan had to get up in the morning, but of course with Dan’s luck he would be home the morning after Dan had heard him masturbate.

His sleep had been restless, and plagued by nightmares, and when he dragged himself into the kitchen that morning, Phil was there making coffee, and greeted him with a wide smile. 

“You look really tired. Did you not sleep well?“

Dan just shook his head and tried to tune out the sound of Phil’s moan that played over and over again in his head. 

“Are you okay? You’re not getting sick again, are you?“ Phil asked full of concern. His eyes lingered on Dan’s lips, and though Dan hadn’t looked into a mirror yet, he knew that they were split. He had tasted the blood last night when biting them, and he sucked in his bottom lip unconsciously when Phil’s gaze seemed to linger on it for a second too long. The gesture made Phil’s eyes snap up again to his own. 

“No, just a rough night,“ Dan croaked out, and Phil nodded understandingly. “Nightmares again?“

“Something like that,“ Dan mumbled, and flicked the switch to turn the kettle on, before making his way to the bathroom. 

He washed his face and brushed his teeth, and he tried to sort out his hair that was a complete mess. Dark bags were under his eyes and he looked pale. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Dan,“ he whispered to his reflection in the mirror. “Get your act together. Masturbation is natural. You do it, Phil does it, most people do it. There’s no reason to get so freaked out about it. Phil has probably done it loads of times since you’ve moved in. It’s nothing to be nervous about. It’s fine. You’re fine.“

He took another deep breath before going back to the kitchen. Phil had already poured the hot water into a mug for him and was busy making himself a bowl of cereal. 

“Thanks,“ Dan said and he got a teabag out of the cupboard and dunked it into the water, watching as the clear liquid slowly changed colour. 

“No problem. You want some cereal as well?“

“No, I’m good,“ Dan declined, and he gave Phil a small smile. Phil smiled back, and then he left the kitchen with his breakfast, and Dan took another deep breath once he was sure Phil was out of earshot. He was fine.  
___

If Dan had learned one thing from the times he’d spent avoiding his therapist, it was that whether he liked it or not, she really was an important fixture in his life by now. He was almost embarrassed to tell her that he had cancelled the date, but she had only told him how proud she was of his decision, because it must have taken a lot of courage and it was important for Dan to make the decisions that he thought were right for him and did not let himself get pressured into anything he did not want.  
___

“Do you have any plans for tomorrow?“ Phil asked on the next Friday evening, and Dan shook his head. He had expected Phil to go to the Dungeon tonight, but the other man seemed to have other plans. 

The week had gone by without a hitch. Dan couldn’t deny that he froze up every time he heard Phil move in his bedroom when falling asleep, but other than that he was alright. 

“Not really. Why?“

“I was thinking about going to the zoo. Do you want to join me?“

“I haven’t been to a zoo in years. Sure, why not.“

Phil smiled brightly. “Have you been to the London zoo before?“

Dan shook his head.

“Great, then it’s going to be a new adventure for the both of us.“  
___

“Do you think it’s possible that we’ll be out of the zoo by six?“ Dan asked the next morning. 

“The London zoo closes at five, so yes. Why?“ Phil asked, as he pulled on his jacket. Dan rarely saw him outside of their flat, so it was unusual for him to see Phil with a perfectly styled fringe. When he went to the Dungeon, he preferred to have his hair in a quiff, and when he was just lazing around at home, it was what you could only describe as a mess.

“PJ asked if I wanted to have a movie night, so I’m probably going to be sleeping there tonight.“

“That sounds like fun. I’ll accompany you to his flat if you want me to.“

“You really don’t have to do that,“ Dan blushed, and he shrugged on his coat as well.

“It’s not a problem, really.“  
___

Phil insisted on buying Dan’s entrance ticket. They argued about it while waiting in the queue, as others passed them by and gave them strange looks. Phil demanded to pay for it as it was his idea to go to the zoo in the first place anyway, and he argued that he was the one that had a steady income, whereas Dan countered that in that case it should be him paying the tickets, because his parents were covering all his expenses for now anyway. 

“That’s even more of a reason for me to pay!“ Phil exclaimed, and without waiting for Dan he went to the ticket office and purchased their entrance tickets. Dan huffed and grumbled, but thanked Phil anyway, embarrassed by the fact that he had lost the argument and that Phil had actually paid for him, but at least he could make it up by paying for their lunch under Phil’s words of protest. 

“If you buy me lunch, I’ll buy you a stuffed animal,“ Phil had threatened, but Dan had only laughed at that and handed over the money. 

They roamed the paths of the zoo for hours, running from left to right to left again. Phil had a map, and Dan the information for the daily activities, and when they tried to get to the penguin pool at half past one to see a penguin show, they ended up at the aquarium instead, laughing about the child they had just passed that had been walking and then just tripped over thin air and fallen to the ground. 

It took a while, but they managed to see the entirety of the zoo, the giraffes and the tigers, the gross insects that made Dan shiver and tell Phil to hurry up because he wanted to get out of the building, and his personal favourites, the sloths. 

At one point they were even lucky enough to encounter a gorilla that sat right next to the glass wall of his compound, and they took a selfie with the animal. Dan’s shoulder was pressed against Phil’s as they tried to find the right angle to get both of them and the animal into the picture. Both of them smiled in it and the gorilla looked thoroughly unimpressed, and the picture was good enough for Dan to consider it as a potential new Facebook profile picture.

They rested on a bench and watched the people walking by, and they cooed over meerkats, and shortly before they left, Phil dragged Dan into one of the many shops scattered around the park, and bought him a panda bear plush toy that Dan tried to stop him from purchasing.

“I told you that if you payed for lunch, you’d get one,“ Phil grinned, and his tongue poked out between his teeth, and Dan knew that his face was bright red when Phil pressed the plastic bag with the panda bear in it into his hand. “You’re welcome.“  
___

Phil kept his word, and he accompanied Dan all the way to PJ’s front door.

“I really had fun today,“ he smiled. “Give me the bag? I can take it home for you.“

“Yeah, that was great, we should definitely do it again,“ Dan agreed as he handed the bag over. “And thanks again for getting the tickets - and the panda.“ 

“Don’t mention it.“

Dan pressed the doorbell and was buzzed in almost immediately. He opened the door. With one hand on the handle, he was suddenly engulfed in strong arms, and taken by surprise for a second. It was a short hug that Phil had pulled him into, and before Dan had the chance to even think about what to do, Phil had already let go again and taken a step back.

“Have fun tonight, I’ll see you tomorrow!“

___

“Can you believe he actually bought me a panda bear?“ Dan asked.

He watched as PJ put the popcorn into the microwave. “Yes, I can, because you’ve told me about it like ten times by now.“ There was a grin on PJ’s face, and it had been there ever since he had opened the door for Dan.

“Why are you grinning like an idiot anyway?“ 

“Oh, nothing.“

The sound of popping corn filled the kitchen. 

“It doesn’t look like nothing.“

“I promise it’s not important right now. Now show me that picture of you with the monkey, will you?“

It was only when they were watching their second movie, and Dan was full of popcorn, that realization hit him out of nowhere and he nearly choked on air. 

“It was a date, wasn’t it?“ he blurted out, and there it was again, that stupid grin on PJ’s face as he paused the movie and turned to Dan with an amused glint in his eyes. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, and I definitely wasn’t told to ask you to stay with me tonight to make sure you’re okay and not worried about him coming on to you once you’re back home alone. You can think about Phil what you want, but the way he’s so careful to make sure you’re comfortable is just absolutely adorable.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: The London zoo closes at 5 p.m.. :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry it's been a while. Both my beta and I are busy with life at the moment, but it's been more than two weeks so I thought I need to give you something. It's unbeta'd, because as already mentioned my beta is busy. Thank you for your lovely comments on the last chapter, I hope you enjoy. x
> 
> Update: This chapter is beta'd now. :)

Phil’s coffee was still hot, steam rising from the mug. He was still in his pyjamas and hadn’t yet rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. While reading the news online, he could hear raindrops pelting against the window. They had been lucky that the weather had been good yesterday, or else his plan would have fallen through. The rim of the cup pressed against his lower lip, Phil was smiling as he remembered their trip. He took a sip of coffee, and his eyes darted to the panda plush toy he had left on the couch for now. The way Dan had blushed when Phil bought it for him had been nothing but adorable and Phil really hoped that Dan had meant it when he said that they should do something similar again soon. 

Placing the mug on the table, Phil couldn’t stop thinking about where he could take Dan next. Maybe he’d enjoy the aquarium, or a weekend trip away from London. They could drive down to Brighton and spend the weekend at the beach. After all, Phil had a car, conveniently parked a few blocks away in a garage. The monthly fee for parking there was enormous, but Phil didn’t want to miss out on the luxury of having a car, getting behind the steering wheel whenever he felt like he needed to get away for a while, and aimlessly driving through the streets of the city, or maybe even out of the city, to clear his head. Truth be told, he didn’t need the car very often, and technically it was just a waste of money, but his job paid more than enough for him to keep it. He’d bought it when he still lived in Manchester, and it reminded him of the weekend trips he and his friends from the north had made. He missed them a lot sometimes, sadly couldn’t see them as often now as he would like to, but it had been his decision to move south, and looking at where he was at the moment, he would make the same choices again. 

Skimming over the headlines from an online newspaper, Phil was surprised to hear the sound of keys unlocking the front door. He hadn’t expected Dan back for at least a few more hours, assuming that he would hang out with PJ for the day . He listened to the shuffling noises and Dan kicking off his shoes, before taking the few stairs up into the long hallway.

Phil smiled as soon as Dan came into view, and was about to wish him a good morning before he caught the look on his flatmate’s face. And that’s when the bubble of contentment and happiness he’d been living in since yesterday popped without warning, as if being popped by a needle out of the blue.

Dan looked furious, and Phil had never seen him like this before. His entire body screamed attack, the way he stomped up the stairs and had his shoulders squared, head actually held high for once. If Phil wasn’t so confused by what was going on, he’d actually be quite proud of the way Dan was holding himself.

“How could you?“ The words were spoken way too loudly for a peaceful Sunday morning, and Phil noticed the way Dan’s wet hair was curly from the rain.  
   
“Wha-“

“I told you no, and yet you still did it!“ Dan was right in front of Phil now. He was only slightly taller than Phil when both of them stood, but now that Phil was sitting, Dan was towering over him. “I said no, but you completely ignored what I told you I wanted!“ 

His face was red and tiny droplets of salvia came out of his mouth. Phil wiped one away that landed under his right eye, mouth agape but not sure what to say. Dan was looking at him expectantly, as if waiting for him to justify himself, but Phil wasn’t even sure what he had done wrong. Yesterday had been fun and not once had Dan told him not to do something, except for when he bought Dan’s ticket and the plush toy. Surely that wasn’t the reason Dan was raging right now?

Phil stood up, not to intimidate but to make sure that both of them were on the same level when talking to each other. “I have honestly no idea what you’re talking about. If I did som-“

“It was a date!“ Dan interrupted him, and Phil really didn’t appreciate that Dan’s voice was still raised.

Wait, what?

“What?“

“What do you mean ‘what’?“ the younger man barked and threw his hands up in frustration. “You ask me out, I say yes, but then I say no, and you still take me out on a date. You promised you wouldn’t, you promised you’d wait until I was ready!“

Phil raises an eyebrow, finally cottoning onto what Dan was getting at.  “Did you think that that was a date?”

“Don’t act all innocent with me, Phil!  PJ told me last night.”

Phil cocked his head to the side. His coffee surely must be cold by now. He studied Dan’s face, the way each muscle was pulled tight and his lips were pressed together to form a thin line. He was waiting, waiting for an answer to be able to attack again.

“And what exactly did PJ tell you?“ Phil asked. “Because to my knowledge, we certainly did not go on a date yesterday.“

“Wh- What?“ For the first time, Dan’s voice wavered, and his shoulders sagged a little, the tension draining from them. 

“You and I, we were not on a date. You told me you didn’t want to go on one, and I accepted that. I’d never trick you into one.“

“But PJ said-“

“PJ must have misunderstood me. When you first agreed to go on a date with me, I had planned to take you to the zoo, that much is true.“

“He said you’d asked him to have me over for the night afterwards.“

“Because I wanted to make sure that you were alright. There are lots of people at the zoo, and I know that you have problems with crowds sometimes. I just wanted to make sure that in case you had a panic attack afterwards, PJ would be at home and able to take care of you.“ 

“But you paid for my entrance ticket, and you bought me a plush toy?“

“I meant it when I said that I’d be paying because I asked you to join me in the first place, and I told you that I’d thank you for buying me lunch by buying you something from the shop.“

“That is date behaviour,“ Dan tried to argue, but Phil shook his head. 

“If I had taken you out on a date, I wouldn’t have allowed you to pay for lunch in the first place. I would have complimented you, and I might have tried to hold your hand, or wrap my arm around your shoulder, and I probably would have flirted with you. There’s a difference between being nice and flirting, Dan. I promise that I did not intend to take you on a date.“ 

Dan’s head was lowered, and his cheeks were coloured red, not from anger anymore but from embarrassment instead. Any trace of the confident man he had been when confronting Phil seconds ago had disappeared.

“I’m sorry,“ he said under his breath.

Phil sighed, and without thinking he raised his right hand and cupped Dan’s jaw, thumb brushing over Dan’s warm cheek. He could feel Dan initially pulling back from his touch and his heart sank, but then the younger man just kind of froze in position, allowing Phil to caress his face. 

“It’s okay, I should have been clear with you from the beginning, or maybe made sure that PJ understood that this was definitely not a date. I meant it when I said that I’ll give you all the time you need, and if you’re never ready for more, then I’ll be happy just to be your friend.“

“There’s so much we would have to talk about.“

“We’ll cross that bridge if we ever get to it. You’re shaking. Are you okay?“

Dan raised his left hand and looked at it blankly, as if only realizing just now that his entire body was trembling slightly. “I don’t know,“ he rasped out, and Phil appreciated the honesty.

“Do you want a hug?“ Phil asked carefully, and Dan raised his gaze from his hand to meet Phil’s eyes, uncertainty shimmering in his own. “You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to.“

The younger man shook his head slightly and broke the eye contact, his cheek pressing into the touch of Phil’s hand still lingering there unintentionally. He swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds, before opening them again, and Phil let his hand fall away from Dan’s face, placing it on his shoulder instead.

“I’m sorry for screaming at you.“ Dan looked fragile and sounded scared, as if expecting consequences for what he had done.

“Don’t be. I’m glad you talked to me about this instead of keeping quiet. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll make you some hot chocolate?“ Phil retrieved his hand from Dan’s shoulder, and put it on his upper arm instead, guiding Dan to sit on the green chair that was nearest to them. He made sure to keep the pressure on Dan light enough to not seem pushing. Luckily, Dan complied and sat down, and his eyes caught Phil’s mug.

“Your coffee will get cold.“ 

“I can heat it up.“ His coffee was already cold, and Dan’s comfort right now was more important than Phil’s Sunday morning coffee experience.

It didn’t take long for Phil to make the hot chocolate, and throughout the whole time he tried to stay alert to sounds coming from the lounge, but couldn’t hear anything. 

When he re-entered the lounge, Dan was sat there exactly the same as Phil had left him. He was staring into thin air and jumped slightly when Phil cleared his throat. With a small ‘thank you’ he accepted the mug and took a sip. Some liquid was on his upper lip, and if Dan didn’t look so fragile right nowPhil would have made a joke about kissing it away. Instead he kept quiet and watched as Dan’s tongue poked out and trailed over his upper lip, cleaning it from hot chocolate but leaving behind a glistening trail of salvia. 

“I-“ Dan’s voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. He looked unsure and his left foot was tapping a quick rhythm on the wooden floor. Phil was sure that if Dan wasn’t holding a mug right now, he’d probably be fidgeting with the hem of his t-shirt again. “I’m really sorry.“

“You don’t have to be. This was nothing but a misunderstanding, and it was my mistake and not yours to be clearer with both PJ and you.“ 

Phil drank his cold coffee and tried not to wince as he got burned. 

“I’d like to go on a date with you, but I just don’t think I can.“ 

Phil almost didn’t hear the words because they were spoken so quietly, and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. The last time Dan had agreed to go on a date with him, he hadn’t said that it was something he actually wanted to do. Hearing Dan admit that it was in fact a thing he wanted to do made Phil’s heart flutter with hope. 

“I told you before, and I’ll tell you again that we’ll go slow, we’ll take this your pace.“

“The problem is though, that I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for more if the decision is up to me.“

“I’m not going to push you, Dan.“

Dan shook his head. “I- You don’t have to say yes, but I have to ask you for a favour.“

“Anything,“ Phil was quick to reply, and he meant it.  
___  
The next day, Phil was wearing a plaid button-up, while Dan sat next to him in a casual t-shirt. 

“Are you really sure about this, Dan?“ Phil asked one more time. 

Dan nodded and smiled slightly, and Phil could hear the big clock on the wall ticking the seconds away, and the woman at the front desk shuffling papers and typing on a clicking computer keyboard. 

The room they were in gave off a homely vibe, with plants and a full bookshelf. The walls were white with artworks hanging off them. A water dispenser was standing against one wall, and a brown table next to it with a coffee machine and a glass-bowl filled with bonbons on top.   
One of the three dark-brown doors leading into other rooms opened, and Dan stood up from where he was sitting. Phil was quick to follow, and in the doorway stood an older woman, her black hair in a messy knot and green eyes smiling along with her lips as she greeted Dan with a warm voice.   
“Dan, how are you?“ Phil watched as she shook Dan’s hand before he stepped further into the office and she turned to him. He could see her eyes looking him over quickly, before she held out her hand for him to shake. “You must be Phil. It’s so nice to finally meet you. Dan has told me a lot about you. I’m Ms. Naruse. Please do come in and make yourself comfortable, and thank you for joining Dan today.“


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Look who's back with the next chapter. Thanks for your lovely comments, they really made me smile. I'm glad you all like the story. :) As some of you asked in the previous chapters if this story was still going to be 24 parts long like I mentioned a few months ago, the answer is no. At this point I honestly have no idea how long this will turn out to be. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I had completely different plans for this chapter in the first place, but then this sort of happened. Hope you enjoy. :) x

Phil was making tea for them. It was kind of his default setting by now every time he wasn’t sure what to do. He knew that Dan was in the lounge and waiting for him to come back, but right now he just needed a minute or two for himself.

He had not expected that accompanying Dan to his therapy session would be so hard. He hadn’t had any expectations really, hadn’t been sure what they would be talking about, but he had never thought that it would be that intense. Phil had sometimes seen Dan let loose and talk about what was bothering him, but it’d never been like that before. Most of the time he was quite restrained, and even when he told Phil about certain things, he sugar-coated them. So when he started talking to Ms. Naruse, only side-eyeing Phil for the first half of their session, it was like a slap in the face.

It wasn’t like Phil hadn’t known that Dan was scared of affection, of getting too close to someone, especially someone from the BDSM scene, but hearing it spelled out like that hit him harder than he had expected.  
The way Dan’s hands had trembled and he had swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing, Phil couldn’t decide whether Dan looked broken or fierce. 

“I told Phil that I’m too scared to get close,“ Dan’s voice had trembled slightly, and of course he had fidgeted with the hem of his shirt again, just like he always did when he didn’t know what to do with his hands while being nervous. “But I also told him that I would want to date him.“

“And why is it that you are scared? Have you told him that as well?“ Ms. Naruse had asked, and Phil had watched as Dan shook his head and his eyes flitted over to where he was sitting, before snapping back to her. Phil had been instructed to sit and listen for most of the lesson, and that if he had questions, he shouldn’t interrupt but wait for Ms. Naruse to address him. She had said that it would help for Dan to talk more openly without being interrupted.

“I haven’t.“

“Would you like to tell him?“

“I don’t think he would understand.“

“Would you tell me?“  

“I don’t think that I- the idea of being intimate with someone scares me. I trusted- he took advantage of me. He made me believe that what happened was my fau- that I wanted it. He told me that I liked the pain, and that I should stop acting like I didn’t enjoy it. But I didn’t, and I still ca-,“ Dan had stumbled over his words, and his mouth had snapped shut before he could finish the last phrase.

Phil had felt sick to his stomach at that point.  For the rest of the first half hour of the session Dan continued to try to put his thoughts and feelings into words.  Phil hadn’t spoken and Ms. Naruse hadn’t looked at him either, until Dan seemed to have said everything that had been on his mind. 

“And is there something in particular about Phil that scares you?“ she had continued to ask. 

Dan’s gaze had nervously shifted to him, and he had looked reluctant to answer. 

“This is a safe space, Dan. We’ve invited Phil to be with us today and listen to help him understand the situation both of you are in better.“ Ms. Naruse had coaxed him.

“He’s a dominant. He enjoys hurting people.“

“Dan, we’ve talked about this before. Being a dominant does not mean that he simply enjoys hurting people. Do you remember how we agreed that dominants want to take care of people?“ 

Dan had whimpered at that and shook his head.  “But what if they don’t want to be taken care of?“

The kettle clicking off brought Phil back to the present, and he poured the boiling water in two mugs, watching as the teabags coloured it. He had known that when Dan was being held captive, he had been manipulated into having false beliefs, but he had never realized before how deeply they were still ingrained within him. What he thought about dominants, how he believed that they were only out to hurt people when a true dom would never do anything without the submissive’s consent. In Dan’s eyes, he must have been a monster all this time, and yet he had still admitted to being attracted to him.

Phil took the two mugs and carried them into the lounge. He held one out for Dan, who took it tentatively and clasped it between his fingers. His hands weren’t shaking anymore. Phil counted that as a win.

“Are you okay?“ he asked as he settled down next to Dan. 

“I think so,“ Dan croaked out, his voice strained. “It’s just weird to know that you know details of what I think now.“

Phil hummed in agreement. “It’s important though, because the more I know the more I can help. I was honestly surprised though how much Ms. Naruse seemed to know about the BDSM scene.“

“She was recommended to me by the Dungeon, actually. They said she specializes in helping people in the BDSM scene.“

Phil processed those words, and wondered if she herself was in the scene, and if yes, if she was a dominant, a submissive or a switch. And if she was a dominant, how would Dan possibly react about having confided in one for so long when that’s what he was most afraid of?

“So she knows what she’s doing.“

“I guess,“ Dan said, and he chewed on his lower lip, eyes flickering over Phil’s face before focusing on the mug again. “Do-“ he swallowed, “do you think she was right about what she said at the end?“

“That although she wants to help us, it’s up to us what will happen?“

Dan nodded. “Yeah.“

“I do think she’s right. Like she suggested, it’s probably good for me to accompany you to a session every now and again, because you talk to her in ways you’d never talk to me when we’re alone, and it helps me understand things. But like she said, whatever happens between us is our, _your_ ,  decision. She can help you work through your doubts and fears, but she can’t tell you how to feel about me, and neither can I. We’ve talked about this before. I’m not going to push you into anything.“ 

“What if I want you to?“

“Dan, no!“ 

“It’s called desensitization,“ Dan went on, and now his hands were trembling again. “It’s when-“

“I know what it means, and no, absolutely not. Forget it. Are you out of your mind? I want you to trust me, not just get used to coping with your fears.“ 

“You said you’d do anything,“ Dan said, and he sounded like a pleading twelve year old that didn’t get the toy he wanted. 

“But I’m not going to force myself on you because you want me to,“ Phil countered. 

Dan slammed his mug on the table, tea spilling over the edges. Without another word he stood up and left the room, and Phil was left behind stunned, not able to entirely comprehend what had just happened.  
___

At first Phil thought it was a pleasurable dream. It was dark, he couldn’t see much, and there was a weight on top of him, someone straddling his hips, and lips pressed against his, moving forcefully, pressing hard. He raised his hands and threaded his fingers through thick short hair, pulled at it, groaned into the mouth, bucked up his hips. 

Everything was hazy, his vision, his thoughts, the thin line between sleep and reality that made him believe this wasn’t real. 

But then he felt the wetness on his cheeks, drops dripping on his skin, and suddenly the fog lifted, and he could think clearly, and realized that he wasn’t asleep anymore. 

And that the lips pressed against his felt strange but familiar as well.

And that the body on top of his was quivering.

He tried to sit up, but he knocked his head against the head of the person on top of him, and he cursed against the lips that still demanded, but Phil realized that just because the lips gave didn’t mean they wanted to take, and the drops on his cheeks were tears dripping down from the person above. 

Dan.

His hands were on Phil’s shoulders, and short nails were digging into the skin there painfully hard. He was shivering as Phil’s hands let go of his hair and came to rest on his hips instead. He was shirtless, and his skin felt clammy under Phil’s touch. His lips were demanding, but Phil tried to ignore that, tried to stay as unresponsive as possible. He took a deep breath in, and with a quick movement he managed to turn them around, threw Dan off of him and had him pinned to the mattress instead. 

He immediately scrambled to get off of the shivering boy, but Dan’s hands still held onto his shoulders and Dan whimpered as he tried to press kisses onto his lips, peppered them on his cheeks.

“Please,“ he whispered under sobs, and Phil’s heart broke at that one word. What had happened while he had been asleep? Had it been a nightmare that had made Dan act like this?

“Please,“ Dan repeated the word distraughtly, and he pulled on Phil, his legs wrapped around Phil’s waist, and Phil lost his balance and fell on top of him again. 

Still hard from before, his crotch pressed against Dan’s hips, and he watched in horror as Dan’s eyes widened from the weight that tumbled on top of him.  
His entire demeanour shifted, and instead of pulling he started to push, tried to get Phil off, but he was too weak and Phil wasn’t fast enough to comply with his request. 

Dan’s ‘please’s turned into ‘don’t’s as he tried to frantically get out from under Phil. The moment he was free, he tried to scramble off the bed, but Phil was quicker than him. He grabbed Dan by the wrist, and he tried to ignore the heartbreaking shriek. With quick movements, he managed to wrestle Dan back onto the mattress and kneeled next to him, guided Dan’s head against his chest as the boy tried to curl up as much as possible. 

“Please - don’t! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.“ Dan repeated those words over and over again, and tried to weakly push Phil away, to flee. 

“Ssssh, Dan, it’s okay. I promise I’ll let you go in a minute, but you need to calm down.“ Phil tried to sound calm, but on the inside he was freaking out. He tried to ignore the way Dan scratched his torso and arms raw to try to get away from him. As much as he wanted to give him that freedom, Dan was close to hyperventilating and Phil needed to make sure that he had calmed down before being able to let him go. 

“It’s okay, Dan, you’re okay. Nothing’s going to happen. You’re safe. You’re okay.“

Dan shook his head against Phil’s chest, but his attempts to get away subsided. Phil hoped it was because he calmed down, and not because he had given up. He started stroking Dan’s naked back, could feel the scars under his fingertips, hoping that the sound of his heart, even though it was beating uncomfortably fast as well, could relax Dan somehow.

“You’re okay, I promise you’re fine, you’re safe.“ He squeezed Dan a bit closer, and shushed him gently, and the pushing hands now held on to his skin too tight, fingernails leaving crescent moon marks. 

Dan was crying against his shoulder, and Phil made sure to not hold him too tight, and he pressed a soft kiss on the top of Dan’s head, could smell the scent of his shampoo, rocked Dan slightly and asked himself what had possessed the younger man to do something like this. 

Eventually Dan calmed down. Phil didn’t need to turn on the lights to know that Dan’s eyes must be red rimmed, and he still trembled and hiccupped, but the tears had stopped and his fingernails didn’t hurt Phil’s skin anymore. 

“I know you probably don’t want to,“ Phil started coaxingly, and he felt Dan tense in his arms again, “but we need to talk about what happened right now.“ 

Dan shook his head, face still hidden in Phil’s chest.

“No, Dan, you have to talk to me now. Communication is important, remember? That’s what Ms. Naruse said. What just happened? What is going on? Because one second you beg me to kiss you, and the next you beg me not to hurt you, and it’s making me really worried.“ 

Phil hated to admit it, but he was always worried about Dan. 

He had to wait, and repeated the questions when all he was met with was silence, but then Dan finally responded.

“I was scared,“ he mumbled, and he still sounded on the verge of tears. 

“Scared of what?“ Phil asked confused.

He heard the boy swallow, and then admit meekly: “Scared that you wouldn’t want to wait for me. So I- “ Dan broke off in the middle of the sentence.

“So you tried to push yourself to overcome your fears?“

Dan nodded against Phil’s skin, and once again he started sobbing, pushing his face into Phil’s chest as if to hide from the older man’s gaze.

“Oh Dan,“ Phil whispered, and he carded his fingers through Dan’s hair while he held him close, “I promise there’s no reason for you to be scared.“


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the lovely comments guys. Hope you like the next chapter. :) x

“And after that he left. I haven’t seen him this morning. When I left for work, he was still in his room.“ Phil spun around in his office chair, voice hushed and ignoring the glares some of his coworkers sent his way because he had been on the phone for at least ten minutes now. 

“I don’t think he’s at uni today since he cancelled our lunch date, and I don’t know his schedule so I can’t check on him either.“ PJ said apologetically. 

Phil sighed. “I just hope he doesn’t decide to hide away in his room again.“

“Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. This entire story is so weird, considering how much better Dan seemed recently. Are you sure you didn’t just dream it?“

“I’m certain that the fingernail scratches on my chest aren’t just a figment of my imagination,“ Phil deadpanned. “I just don’t understand where his sudden idea came from that I wouldn’t want to wait for him to be ready for more. He didn’t show the slightest inclination to get physical with me before yesterday. Quite the opposite actually, only a few days ago he was pissed at me because he thought I did not respect that he wasn’t ready yet.“

“It sounds like his brain short-circuited. I’m quite impressed that he managed to get to your room in the middle of the night in the first place.“

“I’m more worried than impressed about that. How will I ever know he’s actually ready for something and not just pushing himself because he thinks he has to get over it? I can’t tell if he’s just nervous or scared when he’s shaking, and I don’t think I can trust his words either.“

Phil ran a hand through his hair. One of his coworkers approached him and tapped with his finger against his wrist as a reminder, nodding his head in the direction of a meeting room. Phil gave him a thumbs up to show that he understood. 

“He pushed you off though. I think that’s a telltale sign.“

“That doesn’t help me figure out if he’s comfortable with what we’re doing in the first place. Listen, I have a meeting now. Let me know if you hear anything from Dan, okay?“

He barely listened anymore to whatever PJ answered, and once the connection cut off, he sighed while getting out of his chair and rolled his shoulders, a cracking sound making his colleague wince. 

“Everything okay?“ he asked as he watched Phil gather a few documents needed for the meeting. 

Phil shrugged his shoulders. “Not really, but whatever. I have enough time to worry about it after this meeting is over.“  
___   


The moment Dan heard the front door open, he wanted to run to his room. Call it instinct. Call it sense of self-preservation. Or maybe just the feeling of embarrassment Dan felt at the thought of what had transpired between Phil and him the previous night. But he locked his muscles and willed himself to stay where he was, on one of the coloured chairs around their dining table that was faced towards the hallway. 

It took one minute and twenty-three seconds for Phil to come into the lounge, Dan counted every single one of them, and the moment he saw Dan, his face lit up. Dan wasn’t sure what to make of that. Why would Phil be smiling about seeing him? Had he forgotten what had happened last night? Surely not. 

“Hey, how are you?“

Phil sounded so compassionate that Dan felt the urge to grab the vase that stood on the table next to him and smash it against the nearest wall. Phil had every reason to be seething, why wasn’t he mad? 

Dan shrugged his shoulders, and he couldn’t find it in himself to meet Phil’s eyes. Instead he regarded the texture of the wooden tabletop, hyper-aware of the steps Phil took further into the lounge from the doorframe, in his direction. 

“You bought flowers,“ it was a question spoken like a statement.

Dan cleared his throat. “They’re for you.“

“You bought me flowers?“ Now it was a question, and suddenly the purple tulips in the vase seemed like a stupid idea, because why would Phil want tulips? For all Dan knew, purple wasn’t even his favourite colour, and he had only gone with tulips because it was March and they were so beautifully displayed in the window of the flower shop down their road. Also Dan didn’t want to buy roses, because roses meant love, and that was definitely not what he had wanted to convey by buying them. He had looked up the meaning of flowers beforehand, and the internet had said that purple hyacinths were the flowers conveying the meaning he was searching for. But hyacinths weren’t sold in bouquets, and then Dan had spotted the purple tulips and thought to himself that they would do just as well. Besides, hyacinths were plants that had a certain level of toxins in them, and Dan didn’t want to kill Phil. He wanted to say sorry.

What if Phil hated tulips?

“It was a stupid idea, I’m really sorry, I can get rid of them if you don’t like them that’s honestly not a problem-“ he started to ramble, but then Phil sat down on the chair beside him and placed his fingers softly on Dan’s wrists, as his hands were lying in his lap, and the touch tickled slightly but also sent jolts of electricity through his skin, and Dan’s mouth snapped shut immediately, his cheeks colouring pink.

Phil was leant forward, and Dan’s eyes had searched out his face the moment Phil touched him, and instead of the anger he had expected, everything he found on Phil’s face was confusion.

“No, Dan, I really like them. I just-“ Phil helplessly gestured to the flowers now, his fingers gone from Dan’s wrists again, “don’t really understand why you would buy me flowers.“

Dan could feel the blush wandering up to his ears as well, and he must have been burning up like a red traffic light by now. He scuffed his sock-clad feet over the carpet and shrugged his shoulders.

“To apologize.“

He could almost see the question marks dancing above Phil’s head, as if he didn’t understand what was going on, and Dan did not understand how Phil could possibly not understand.

“What do you have to apologize for?“ Phil asked carefully.

“Maybe the fact that I sexually assaulted you in the middle of the night?“ Dan couldn’t keep the irritation out of his voice. He watched in confusion as Phil visibly paled and sputtered, mouth slightly agape and not knowing how to answer, and his heart sank. This was it. This was the end.

“I can pack my bags and be out of here in an hour if that’s what you want. I know that what I did was wrong, and I’m really sorry about that. I never thought - after all that happened, I never could have thought that I’d be the one others had to be afraid of.“

“Dan. Dan, Dan, Dan. What are you talking about?“ Phil interfered before Dan could continue the speech he had carefully been rehearsing in his head the entire day. “What are you talking about?“

“Last night, I- when I-“ he stopped, couldn’t even bring himself to say the words out loud again.

“You didn’t sexually assault me, Dan,“ Phil was quick to say, and Dan snorted. 

“I came into your room and started kissing you in your bed without your consent. I’m pretty sure that does count as sexual assault.“

“Maybe on paper it does count as sexual assault, but I can promise you I didn’t even think about that once for the entire day. I was just worried about you.“

“Why would you be worried about me?“ Dan asked quietly, not understanding anything anymore. He had kissed Phil without the other man’s consent. Phil should be mad at him. Phil should hate him. He had touched Phil without the other man wanting him too. Why wasn’t Phil mad?

“Because you were obviously upset last night. And I was scared that you’d be hiding from me again after what happened. But I promise you, I’m not mad. I was surprised, but it’s not like I felt violated by you. You don’t need to pack your bags and leave, Dan. This, whatever happened last night, is just something we have to really talk about. The flowers are lovely, thank you, but they weren’t necessary. If I bought you flowers every time I fucked up, we’d be living in a winter garden by now.“

The corners of Dan’s lips twitched upwards at that. “That might be true,“ he whispered, and Phil looked playfully outraged. 

“You’re supposed to be on my side here, Daniel James Howell, and not stab a knife into my back.“ 

They talked that evening. Technically it was more Phil talking to Dan, because Dan just wasn’t that much of a talker. But they sat on the chairs around the dining table, the purple tulips reminding them of why they were there, and they actually truly talked about what had happened that previous night.

For Phil it was a success. Dan rarely really opened up to him, and he had feared that after what had transpired, he would retreat back in his shell that he had been hiding in for so long, but instead Dan had really shared what he had felt with him. He suspected that maybe it was because Dan felt guilty, because he really did think that he had sexually assaulted Phil and that he needed to make up for it by doing what Phil asked for - in this case, speaking the truth. 

“I just have been having that thought for two or three weeks now. I didn’t know when - or if - I’d ever be ready for more, and then I started to worry that when it happened, you would have moved on already.“

And Phil had promised Dan that he would tell Dan if that was ever the case, but Dan had to promise Phil in return that he would not try to force himself on Phil again if that’s not what he one hundred percent wanted.

That night Dan lay in his bed and couldn’t fall asleep, because he still remembered the way Phil’s lips felt against his, and Phil’s words before their conversation on that topic ended: “It’s a pity that your third kiss wasn’t the one you deserved either,“ and he couldn’t stop wishing that maybe the fourth would finally be the way kisses were supposed to be. 

___

“Does it ever bother you that I’m seven years older than you?“

Dan nearly choked on his popcorn, the question came so unexpected. The purple tulips on the dining table had already wilted, but neither of them could be bothered to throw them away quite yet. 

“Where did that just come from?“ Dan asked, the movie on their TV screen forgotten for the moment.

“It’s just something I’ve been wondering about for a while now,“ Phil said, and he looked genuinely curious, if somewhat scared to hear the answer. 

Dan thought about it. He pressed his lips to a thin line as he did so, and the shook his head slowly. “To be honest I’ve never thought about that before.“

The look of relief on Phil’s face was obvious, and Dan wondered if that was something that had really bothered Phil. He was the one of them that was constantly bothered by things, his mind always filled with worries. For Phil to be having concerns about their relationship was a new and foreign idea to him.

Phil turned his attention back to the movie, and so did Dan, but somehow the plot didn’t pull him in anymore. He watched the characters on screen, but he barely listened to their words anymore. Instead he was all too aware of the warm body next to him, far enough away that they weren’t close to touching, but close enough to be able to close the distance by reaching out a hand. 

Phil’s features were illuminated by the soft glow of the TV screen, and he looked absolutely beautiful. Dan had noticed that before, but had been too scared to admit it. Just thinking about the fact that he had feelings for someone, a dominant none the less, made him feel nervous and wonder what was wrong with him. But then again, this was Phil. He was so much more than a dominant. He was the one that took care of Dan when he was sick, and went with him to therapy because Dan had asked him too. Phil gave him space when he needed it, and when Dan threw himself at him - twice now already - Phil had pushed him away, although he could have taken what Dan had unwillingly offered. Phil read to children every Wednesday evening at the library for no money, just the sparkle of children’s eyes looking up at him while he told them stories was enough for him, and sometimes on Sundays he’d go to a shelter to play with dogs. Phil was a good human being, and although Dan was terrified, thinking that Phil was beautiful did not scare Dan as much anymore as it used to. 

Dan’s heart was beating so hard he felt like it was trying to jump up his throat to escape through his mouth as an idea popped into his head. It was the kind of nerves that he imagined he’d feel the second before jumping out of a plane. They weren’t exactly bad, but more anticipating. He swallowed and wetted his lips, and his eyes jumped nervously around, before focusing on his target. He could do this. There was nothing to be scared of. Phil’s hand lay between their bodies, palm facing slightly upwards, and every cheesy line in a song talking about spaces between fingers offering a perfect fit for the other person’s fingers ran through his head. 

His hands trembled, because that’s what they always did when Dan was nervous, and he tried to take a steady calm breath, subtle enough for Phil not to notice. The older man was so deeply immersed into the movie at this point that he did not pay any attention to Dan taking deeper breaths right now, and Dan was thankful for that.

Slowly, very slowly, Dan started to move his hand that had been resting on his lap. His fingers were straightened out, and a snail could have easily moved faster than he did right now. Then Phil shifted, his hand staying in the same spot though, and Dan’s hand immediately snapped back to where it had originally been placed. 

Obviously slowness wasn’t key in this situation. At that rate, Dan would not have made contact with Phil’s hand by the end of the movie. He needed to do this fast and quick, like ripping off a band-aid. So he closed his eyes, and steeled himself, took three more deep breaths, opened his eyes, and reached out his hand as fast as he could.

And then his palm was on top of Phil’s, and his hand was clammy which almost made him pull back again, but Phil’s fingers slowly - carefully- started moving and encasing Dan’s fingers gently, and Dan’s fingers really did fit perfectly between the spaces of Phil’s fingers. 

“Are you sure?“ Phil asked quietly, worriedly, as if Dan would retract his hand any second.

“Yes, I am,“ Dan answered, and although his voice wobbled, his fingers squeezed Phil’s, and his heart was almost springing out of his chest it was beating so hard, but also a warmth was seeping through his body that he hadn’t felt for so long, and the thought of holding Phil’s hand had been scary, but now that they were doing it, Dan noticed that actually holding Phil’s hand wasn’t scary at all. It was really calming.

So Dan took another deep breath to calm himself down, and he couldn’t help but feel pride as he looked at his and Phil’s hand intertwined, and then he looked up at Phil again, who was watching the TV with a big smile on his face - and really, he was glad that Phil didn’t make a huge deal out of this - and the way Phil’s entire face lit up, not from the light of the TV screen but from the happiness that seemed to come from within him, made Dan believe that he had made the right decision, that he could actually do this. 

And that was all the encouragement Dan needed for now to hold on tight to Phil’s hand throughout the rest of the movie.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hope you had a nice Easter break, and if you don't celebrate Easter, then I hope you had a great weekend. Thanks for the comments, guys. And I also wanted to say that - although I'm honestly not interested in numbers - TWT has over a thousand kudos now and there are more than 250 of you who'll get a mail every time I update. That's kind of intimidating, but thank you so much for liking and subscribing to the story! Here are 5k words for you. Hope you enjoy. :) x

Dan was crying. There were tears streaming down his face that he tried to rub away with the sleeves of his sweater, and sobs tumbling over his lips that he couldn’t suppress, and this entire situation was so fucking stupid. Phil had been looking sideways at him for quite a while now, he must have noticed the change in Dan’s mood, and the second he heard Dan’s whimper, he was up from the couch and next to him at the dining table in seconds, a hand hovering over Dan’s shoulders as if he was not sure if he was allowed to touch, and asking what was wrong.

It was stupid, because Dan was crying over dogs. 

He took off his headphones and shook his head, tried to swat Phil away, but the older man had already looked at his laptop screen and confusion was drawn on his face. 

“What are you watching?“ he asked, and Dan could see the second Phil’s eyes scanned the title of the video and his eyebrows raised. “A brave little dog gets rescued from the river. His recovery will inspire you. Please share. What is that?“

Phil looked between Dan and the laptop screen in bewilderment. “Are you crying because of a dog video?“

Dan shrugged his shoulders helplessly and took a deep breath. The tears were dried now, but the sleeves of his sweater were still uncomfortably damp. 

“It’s a very emotional dog video,“ he tried to justify himself, blushing despite his excuses. But then again, his face tended to get red when he cried anyway, so Phil would probably not notice the blush.

“What’s it about?“ Phil asked, and he pulled over a second chair and sat down next to Dan.

He looked in surprise as Dan closed the laptop quickly and stood up, gathering the object and pressing it close to his chest as he made his way out of the room. 

“It’s really not that important. Maybe I’ll show you another time. I’ll have to go and do some work for uni now.“ With those words he stumbled out of the room and pretended not to have seen the pure confusion written all over Phil’s face. 

Dan had discovered this genre of videos online a few days ago, shortly after the night he had held Phil’s hand for the first and only time. There were many of them, showing animals - mostly dogs - that were hurt and malnourished and scared, cowering away from human touch, or even worse, having already given up, too tired to care about the possible hurt those hands coming near them could produce. And then the weeks would go on, and the months would pass, and at the end of the videos, Dan would see healthy dogs with their tongues dopily hanging out of their mouths, their eyes sparkling and them seeking out the attention of the people that saved them with excited wags of the tail. And Dan loved those videos, he loved and hated them so much at the same time, because how could dogs that went through such horrible treatment by humans find the courage to trust them again after only a short period of time? For him it’s been more than a year, and although he knows there’s been progress, he still feels like he’s at the beginning of his recovery and that he might never get to his goal.  
___

“So she screamed at me - and I swear, Dan, the entire building must have heard her - before running out of the flat. It was ridiculous!“

“You guys fight like once a month. At this point I honestly think you can’t have a proper relationship without fighting.“

PJ glared up at Dan from his current position, his head resting on Dan’s lap and his feet crossed at the ankles where they dangled over the sofa. He had invited himself over just after lunch time and brought pizza with him. Dan noticed the bags under his eyes that PJ usually had whenever there was a fight with his girlfriend, but he knew that they would be gone within the next few days again as soon as he made with her, because that was always how it worked between them. They were a happy couple, although admittedly with a fairly unusual relationship, then there would be a major fight and once both of them got over their egos they’d be a happy couple again. For the time after the fight, however, Dan had always had the questionable honour of playing PJ’s therapist and listen to all his rants. The first time that had happened, he had known PJ for less than a month, and his way of dealing with the issue had been to take his friend to the nearest pub and they’d both gotten wasted. Dan had absolutely no recollection of that night, and it was probably better that way.

“Can you please take this conversation seriously?“ PJ grunted, and Dan could just roll his eyes at PJ acting like a drama queen.

“You guys fought about who used up all the fast internet for the month, I don’t think that’s something that can seriously damage your relationship.“

“Because you’re like a relationship expert,“ PJ grumbled.

“I’ll have you know that I did have a girlfriend for four years when I was younger.“

“And obviously that worked out so well.“

Dan poked PJ in his side at that sarcastic comment. “Hey, we only broke up because we both went to different universities at the other end of the country.“

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Howell.“

They quietened down and diverted their attention to the TV that had been playing an old episode of The X-Factor in the background all along.

“Do you think I should call her?“ PJ asked a few minutes later.

“Let her calm down first, so you can have a reasonable conversation with each other without emotions getting in the way.“

PJ cocked an eyebrow. “You tell me that every time.“

“And so far it’s always worked out, hasn’t it?“ Dan shot back. “Now shush, I can’t hear the TV.“

Phil got back home from work shortly before the sun set, and Dan and PJ had moved on from watching television to watching DVD’s. He looked paler than usual, and tired.

“Hey PJ, haven’t seen you in a while.“ He mustered up a smile, but even that looked tired. 

“He had another fight with his girlfriend,“ Dan let Phil in on the situation before PJ could reply.

“Don’t you guys fight like once a month?“ 

“That’s exactly what I’ve been saying, thank you,“ Dan said smugly, before really noticing Phil’s tired appearance. “Are you okay?“

“Work today was just exhausting. You know that big project that’s coming up that I told you about? Everyone’s stressed out about it. And I need to go to the library in half an hour, and all I’ve eaten today was a salad.“ Phil rubbed his face and let out a sigh. It was rare for Dan to see him this way, because usually Phil was full of energy and excitement. He always looked forward to reading to the children there, but right now he gave off the vibe that the only thing he wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide under the duvet. 

“We could join you,“ PJ added in, “and help you out. It would take my mind off things.“

“That’s a great idea actually,“ Dan agreed. 

Phil shook his head. “Dan, you’ve got your appointment with Ms. Naruse. I’m not letting you skip that to help me out, your recovery is more important.“

“She’s sick though, cancelled on me this morning. Now go get changed in more comfortable clothes,“ as Phil was wearing a dress shirt and a tie around his neck along with a blazer, because he had a lot of important meetings at work these days that required more formal clothes, “and freshen up, and I’ll make you something to eat real quick.“

“You’re both gifts sent from heaven,“ Phil sighed before leaving the lounge.

“And you need to get up from my lap, or Phil will starve to death.“ Dan gave PJ a gentle nudge to playfully threaten to throw him off the couch.

“Can I use your laptop real quick while you make Phil food? I need to check my university e-mails and you know how useless the mobile version can be.“

“No, I don’t mind. You know my password, right?“  
___

So Dan made Phil sandwiches, and he brought the plate along with a glass of orange juice to Phil’s room, where the older man was about to unbutton his white shirt. Dan blushed, and quickly looked away, and he thrust both glass and plate into Phil’s hands before fleeing back to the lounge, ignoring that smirk that had been on Phil’s lips when he saw him half undressed.

PJ was sat at the dining table with Dan’s laptop open, and his eyebrows were furrowed, and he looked worried. 

“Everything okay?“ Dan asked. 

His friend, who apparently hadn’t noticed his entrance, jumped in his seat and closed the laptop lid halfway, before opening up again with a guilty expression on his face. He quickly did some final things that Dan couldn’t see, before closing the laptop for good.

“Everything’s great. I just found your porn history, and Dan, I didn’t realize you were such a kinky motherfucker,“ PJ teased, though his words sounded empty.

“The only porn you’ll find on my laptop is the one your mum stars in, you idiot.“

They left their apartment twenty minutes later. Phil was less grumpy because he had eaten and he was wearing more comfortable clothes now, and PJ quieter than he had been when he had been ranting to Dan about his newest relationship problems. Something was up with him, but when Dan asked him about it, he denied it.

However, after they had arrived at the library and Phil had started reading, PJ’s suddenly sullen mood had evaporated and he enacted whatever story Phil read to the children. Dan preferred to stay at the back, but he laughed along with the parents and children as PJ pretended to be a dragon that was being fought by a little boy with an invisible sword, and as he dramatically fell to the floor, even Phil had to halt a moment in his reading to take a breath and not laugh at what was happening before him.

“Thanks for having done this, guys,“ Phil told them as they cleared away the stools. 

When they left the library that evening Phil was constantly yawning and rubbing his eyes. They bid PJ goodbye after offering to let him sleep at their apartment for the night, but he had declined and said that it was time to make up with his girlfriend again. 

“He was acting strange today, wasn’t he?“ Phil asked as they walked to the nearest underground station. “Maybe because they had a fight.“

“No, actually he was fine until a few minutes after you arrived. After that is when he became weird.“

The rest of their way home was mostly spent in silence. Phil went to bed straight away, claiming that he’d just read until he’d fall asleep, and Dan stayed in the lounge. 

He opened up his laptop, intending to write a bit before going to sleep since it was still relatively early, and after he had entered his password, he was met with the favourites page of his Safari browser, that always opened up automatically whenever he opened up a new tab. He closed his browser and pulled up his Word document, and after catching up with the last paragraph he had previously written, he continued the story.  
___

Phil had just spat toothpaste into the sink when there was a hesitant knock on the bathroom door.

“Come in,“ he called and Dan entered shortly after. There were remains of toothpaste still clinging to Phil’s chin and he flushed out his mouth.

“Is it okay if I join you? I have a meeting this morning with a tutor about my essay and I already overslept.“

“That early in the morning?“ Phil asked after wiping his mouth on a towel, but gestured for Dan to stay. “I’m almost done.“

“She’s definitely not my favourite.“

Phil hummed and washed his face. “You look really tired, did you not sleep well last night?“

“I had some weird dreams.“

Worried, Phil observed the circles under Dan’s eyes and how his hair was sticking out in all directions, but there was no obvious sign of distress. Dan wasn’t shaking, nor sweating, and he didn’t seem uncomfortable. Still, Phil asked to check: “Nightmare?“

“No. But do you know these kind of dreams that make you feel like you’ve never actually slept? I had one of those.“

Phil washed his hands under the water stream and nodded along. “Well, you should freshen up.“

And with those words, he flicked his fingers in Dan’s direction, covering the sleepy man in water droplets.

Dan spluttered and squealed. 

“Phil!“

But he was quick to hold his hands under the water as well, cupped them and gathered the water in them and then splashed it all onto Phil’s face. 

One minute later they were completely soaked, but neither was ready to give up first. Phil had fled to the bathtub and used the shower head as his weapon, while Dan still stuck to the sink. He grabbed a green loofah and put it under the water. Phil saw his actions and came forward, predicting what Dan had already planned.

So when Dan drew up his arm to throw the wet loofah at Phil, the older man was quick to react and grabbed Dan’s wrist while laughing.

“No, Dan, no.“

But the smile froze on his face the second the loofah hit the floor. Dan had let go of it, and he stared at Phil wide-eyed, not daring to move. His breathing had sped up, and Phil’s heart broke as a silent “Sorry“ slipped over his lips.

Phil slowly lowered both of their arms, his hold on Dan’s wrist just gentle now, thumb soothingly rubbing over Dan’s veins. 

“You don’t need to apologize, Dan,“ he said quietly, and the joy he had felt only seconds ago at hearing Dan laugh and seeing his dimpled smile that he showed so rarely had evaporated. 

“I’m really sorry,“ Dan repeated, and he was shaking slightly, his eyes glazed over and lowering to the ground, and Phil had the feeling that it was not him that Dan saw standing in front of him at the moment.

“It’s okay. Hey, you should try getting out of my grip, okay? That can’t be comfortable, me holding you like that. Just pull your arm away if you don’t want that kind of touch.“

He watched Dan swallow, and slowly the glazed over look disappeared from the hazel eyes, but they still shied away from looking into his own. 

“Just pull away, you can do it.“

And at first there was nothing, but then Dan started tugging. In the beginning it was too light to get away, although Phil’s grip on his wrist was really not strong, but then he seemed to gather courage and actually managed to pull himself free. 

“Are you okay?“ Phil asked, and Dan nodded, still looking a bit out of it. 

“Yes, I’m fine. Sorry - about all of that, I guess.“

“No, don’t apologize, please. It was my fault. But please remember, you always have an escape with me, okay? I’m going to leave you alone now to get ready, because we’re both probably late by now, but if you need anything, I’m here to talk, okay?“

“Hm, yes, okay.“ Dan said but the words sounded robotic. 

He still hadn’t left the bathroom when Phil went to work.  
___

PJ texted Dan throughout the entire day. He’d tell him everything about his lectures that Dan never wanted to know and sent him a picture of his lunch, asking him if food wasn’t worth living for, as well as random sketches he had drawn in his notebook when not listening to teachers. Dan stopped replying to him after PJ sent him a picture of a daisy, because honestly why? What was the point of sending him a picture of a flower? PJ was usually never that insistent on sharing every detail of his life with Dan.

Phil on the other hand seemed to ignore Dan’s text messages throughout the day, probably because he was really busy with work lately. Dan asked him if he was really not mad at what had transpired between them in the bathroom that morning, and if they would have takeout for dinner that night. And then he marvelled about the fact how less than six months ago, just the idea of eating something together with Phil that he had not had complete control over making would have been absolutely unbelievable.

And then he remembered those dog videos again, the ones that he absolutely obsessed over lately, and wondered if maybe he had made progress although he didn’t notice it. After all, he did have a water fight with Phil this morning. And he had laughed together with him - until Phil had grabbed his wrist and told him no, and Dan had felt like he’d been scolded, like he had broken the rules, and for a second he had been back in the cellar, trying to disobey the rules, and been punished for trying to do that, with shackles around his wrists.

Dan quickly tried to snap out of those memories, because the lecture hall in the middle of a lecture about Chaucer was not the time and place for him to have a panic attack. 

___

“You’re home late,“ Dan observed as Phil came down the hallway. 

He was in the kitchen making dinner, as Phil had never replied to him about his idea of takeout, and so he had decided to just make something for the both of them.

“I’ll be so glad when this entire project is over and done with,“ Phil sighed, and he loosened his tie. “It smells delicious in here.“

“I made enough for the two of us.“

“You’re a star,“ Dan ducked his head and blushed at those simple words, “I’m just going to change into something more comfortable, and then I’ll help you.“

“Can you set the table?“

“Sure thing.“

After they had dinner, the dirty plates still on the table in front of them, Phil cleared his throat, and Dan looked at him sleepily. 

“Can I talk to you about something? Because I thought about this today, it came to me in the morning actually, and I’d love to hear your thoughts about it.“

“Mhm?“

“Would you go to a self-defence class with me?“

The feeling of drowsiness was gone and Dan was fully alert now. 

“You want me to do what?“

“Go to a self-defence class with me, please. There’s a studio not too far away from here offering them. I’d cover the costs, obviously, and it’s one and a half hours on Tuesday evenings. I know that it’s a lot to ask for, but I just thought that maybe it would help, you know? Knowing that in any situation, you could defend yourself. I saw it this morning, when you pulled out of my grip, how it helped you cope with the situation.“

Phil wanted Dan to know how to defend himself? He wanted to help Dan learn how to defend himself? Dan had never thought about that, about learning how to react in case of danger, but the idea of it, now that it was in his head, sounded so appealing. No more being scared of not knowing what to do if someone would come on to him, hurt him. 

“What do you say?“ Phil asked, and he looked hopeful.

“Yes, I think I’d like that.“  
___

PJ sent Dan text messages asking about the stars and if he liked them. How he felt about excited dogs and if he would want to swim with dolphins one day? What the one type of food was that was worth living for. Most of the questions Dan answered with multiple question-marks, because frankly, there was no good answer to them. 

Whenever Dan asked PJ if he was okay, because these questions were honestly strange even for him, his friend would quickly turn the question around and ask Dan if he was alright, and Dan started to get really worried about the weird way his friend was acting.

___

Dan didn’t like it, not at all. He was in a room with one wall full of mirrors, and there were mostly women and only few men in the group with them. Their instructor was a tall middle-aged man, with grey and white hair that looked greasy in a ponytail. He was wearing clothes that were made for karate, and the black belt made his stomach stand out even more. And he was sweating profusely. He looked strong, and like the kind of guy that Dan wanted to avoid at all costs in the middle of the night. 

Phil looked relaxed next to him. He was listening intently to every word that was being said, and nodded along occasionally. Unlike Dan, he didn’t look like he felt out of place surrounded by all these women that side-eyed them with a mixture of curiosity and longing, which Dan found really weird. Weren’t guys allowed to go to a self-defence class as well? Did it make them less manly? Why couldn’t they stop staring?

Their scary instructor demonstrated the first move with an assistant of his, a nice looking lady that Dan suspected would never be able to get out of this guy’s grip, but Dan was wrong. The first move was being held by the wrist and trying to get away, and wasn’t that ironic? That very move had been the exact reason they were now standing here in the first place. 

Dan watched the instructions, he really did, but as soon as they were told to team up with a partner and try that move, every cell in his brain just seemed to shut off. 

Phil guided him to a corner of the room, away from all the other people for a bit of privacy. 

“Do you want to go first, or do you want me to go first?“ Phil asked, and Dan just grabbed the other man’s wrist, not yet ready to have his wrist grabbed.

His hold on Phil’s wrist was lose on purpose, and Phil managed to escape Dan’s grip with ease with the steps that were given by the instructor. They repeated the motion a few more times, and the skin on Phil’s wrist was already red from being grabbed. The instructor called out to change roles now, and he could feel his heartbeat speeding up.

Phil held out his hand for him, palm open, waiting. Waiting for Dan to place his wrist there to grab, and Dan swallowed harshly, but he still did what was expected of him. 

“You can always escape, remember that,“ Phil smiled, and then his fingers closed around Dan’s wrist, and it wasn’t even a hard grip, but it made it hard to breathe. 

“Remember what we just learned?“ Phil tried to coax him, but no, Dan did not remember, because he was being held by a dominant and he couldn’t escape, and-

“So how’s the exercise going?“ a cheery voice snapped Dan out of his thoughts, and he jerked back a bit, Phil’s fingers around his wrist lose enough to tug himself free. 

“That’s not exactly how we just showed it, is it?“ the female assistant asked with a smile, but there was understanding in her eyes. “Are you guys here to learn self-defence for a specific reason?“

“You could say that,“ Dan could hear Phil answer, but he still didn’t know how to form words. He was embarrassed, because such a simple thing could bring such painful memories up in him, and he couldn’t even concentrate on what he was supposed to do. 

“I know this is a rather personal thing to say,“ the woman lowered her voice, “and maybe I’m judging this wrongly, but you guys should probably take the class following right after this one instead of self-defence.“

And she looked at Dan and he ducked his head, too mortified by what had just happened to want to look in her eyes. 

“Why would that be?“ Phil asked.

She gestured to Dan, he could see it from the corners of his eyes. “Because this class deals with self-defence only. It involves acting out scenes of choking and rape as part of teaching how to defend yourself against these scenarios,“ Dan flinched at those words, “and no offense, but it’s obvious that he’s in no state for such exercises when something as simple as this already freaks him out.“

“Do you have a filter between your mouth and your brain?“ And Phil sounded annoyed as he asked that, and Dan drew his shoulders up, because was Phil mad at him for being a failure?

“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t. But I’m trying to do him a favour here, so deal with it. There’s a class right after this one, and it’s for building trust and defence. We offer it to people who need it, people that come to self-help groups and the likes. All of the people in that group have at one point in their lives experienced assault, and we know that it’s hard for them to learn how to trust, so we want to help them with that. We ask them to come with a partner, someone they feel comfortable with, and we teach them to trust others but also how to defend themselves more sensitively then we do in this class. You can switch if you want to.“ She turned to Dan. “It’s entirely up to you.“

“Dan, is that something you’d be interested in?“ Phil asked, and Dan considered it. That’s what Phil always asked him, wasn’t it? To trust him that he wouldn’t hurt him. And from what he had just heard from the woman, he couldn’t stay in this class. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. If just the grab of his wrist sent him down a spiral of anxiety, how should he possibly manage pretend rape?

So Dan nodded, and he said: “Yes, I think that would be a good idea to join,“ and he couldn’t see the smile on the woman’s face but he could hear it as she told them to just wait at the side of the room until this class was over and the next one began, and that she would quickly sign them in, and Dan wondered if he had made the right decision.  
___

Dan hadn’t known what to expect from the trust and defence class, as they had called it. Sitting in a circle with other people and being asked why exactly he was here had not been one of the things. So when they had started the introduction round, he had shifted uneasily. Most people were women, only three other males were there, and almost all of them had the same backstory - an abusive relationship. And even in a place like this, one that was created for victims of abuse, Dan did not feel like he fit in. He was surprised however, when one of the men spoke up. Dan didn’t catch his name, but he paid attention when the man, unlike the other two, did not just say that he was here to help one of the women.

“I’m here because my girlfriend abused me. It started out with light punches to the shoulder when I said something she didn’t like that became gradually more painful, but it didn’t stop there. She became more violent with every day that passed, and emotionally abusive as well. I got away eventually, and I moved to London.“ He gestured to a girl beside him, with red hair and pale skin and freckles on her nose. “Shirley was my best friend before I started dating my ex. After that, I wasn’t allowed to have any female friends anymore. She’s here with me now to help me understand that I can trust her not to hurt me whenever I do something she doesn’t completely agree with, because I still have trouble understanding that.“

So the introductions went on, and Dan was the second to last person who’s turn it was after Phil had introduced himself and said that he was here to help Dan. Unlike the first self-defence course, the stares of the female participants weren’t uncomfortable and questioning, but full of sympathy. Dan cleared his throat before he spoke.

“My name’s Dan, and I’m here- sorry,“ he took a deep breath and his voice shook, and the female assistant from the self-defence course earlier gave him an encouraging smile.

“It’s okay, honey, take your time.“

“Someone who I thought I could love held me hostage for two weeks and- and he did things to me that I’d rather not talk about. It happened over a year ago, but I still don’t- it’s still hard to lead a normal life.“

After he had it over and done with, the tension started to seep out of Dan’s shoulders. These people didn’t look at him differently, because they knew the pain he had gone through, the humiliation he felt whenever he thought about how his body had been used as a punching bag and for things even worse against his will. They were all here because they had gone through similar things, and they needed to learn how to put their faith into someone else as well. And suddenly Dan didn’t feel so alone anymore, even though he had never realised he felt alone in the first place.

___

Phil’s hair was wet and he was wearing his pyjamas already as he walked into the lounge. Dan was sitting at the dining table and writing, and he smiled at Phil as the older man entered. Today had been a good day, despite his minor panic attack at the studio during the first self-defence lesson.

In the trust and self-defence class they had played games to keep it simple in the beginning as the instructors had explained. They played tag in pairs, and they played football. Although the second game had involved a little more physical contact than Dan was comfortable with, he had seriously enjoyed it. He had noticed how other pairs had grabbed each other to get the ball, but he and Phil had refrained from that. There had been some shoving and playful threats, but not once had Phil grabbed Dan by his hips to hold him back from getting the ball like Dan had seen it other people do.

One of the women had had a panic attack during the games, and the entire group had immediately stopped what they were doing and the woman had been tended to. To see that put Dan slightly at ease, because it showed that should he experience a panic attack during class, these strangers would look out for him.

Phil was making himself comfortable on the couch with a book. 

“Phil?“

“Hm?“

“I just wanted to thank you for taking me to that class.“

Phil smiled at him. “There’s really no reason to thank me.“

“No, honestly, thank you.“

“I just want you to trust me, really. I’d do a lot to prove that.“

Dan bit his lip. “I’m sorry that I can’t do that so easily.“

“That’s alright, really. But you believe me when I say I’d never hurt you?“

“Yes, I do believe you.“

The way Phil’s face lit up as Dan said that put the sun to shame. 

“That’s more than enough for me for now.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone on tumblr wrote a poem based on TWT. It's amazing and kind of heartbreaking and you can check it out on my blog right [here](http://theshyauthor.tumblr.com/post/141220718754/guys-guys-guys-teddies-and-kitties-sent-me-a). :)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies. Thanks for the comments. If you're following me on tumblr I apologize for the rick-rolling on April Fool's Day and making you believe it was an actual new TWT chapter. If you're not following me on tumblr [then you should](http://theshyauthor.tumblr.com) because we can be friends there. Anyway, here's a new chapter. It's a good one I think, I really like it. Let's see if you agree. Hope you enjoy. :) xx

“Phil?“

“Hm?“

“Can we try the wrist-grabbing again?“

Phil sat up from his current position on the couch. Dan was leaning against the doorframe to the lounge, hands in his pockets, posture comfortable. There were no signs of tension in his body. He looked relaxed and calm, and that was definitely Phil’s favourite look on him.

“We can do that, but why would you want to?“

“It’s been a good day. No signs of anxiety. I just thought that maybe, now that I’m feeling alright, it would be easier. Just to test the waters, you know?“ 

“If you’re sure,“ Phil trailed off, not at all convinced that this would be a good idea.

“I am.“

Phil got up from the sofa, and Dan stepped further into the room. He was barefoot, and the t-shirt he was wearing was too big on his frame. His hair was a mess and his posture was straight and full of confidence.

“You must have had a really good day,“ Phil mused. 

“Mrs. Naruse said that she thinks I’m ready to cut our sessions down to one a week, if that’s what I want. And I agreed. From now on I only have sessions on Wednesday.“ Dan’s smile seemed unsure and he gauged Phil’s reaction, but as the older man assured him that this was incredible news, the smile turned from questioning to beaming with pride. 

“Do you really want to practice escaping from a wrist-grab though when your day was this good? I don’t want to jinx it.“

Dan only nodded. “I really want to try. And I thought that - maybe, if you’d be okay with it - we could work with safewords?“

“Safewords?“ Phil repeated the word, not sure if he had heard right. This right here, this was dangerous territory for them to be in, because it was BDSM territory. 

“It’s just - he never, when I said my safeword, it was never - and I thought that maybe-“ Dan stumbled over his words, and some of the confidence he had carried when walking into the room had left him. 

“I’m not questioning your idea. I was just surprised, really. Did you have anything particular in mind?“

He watched Dan take a deep breath and nodding as if to encourage himself. Then he held out both his wrists like an offer, inside up, and Phil hesitated. He could see the messy scars that ran across skin, and he couldn’t possibly imagine how much that must have hurt. When he played with subs - or more like if he played with subs these days, because god knows it had been quite a while now since he’d been to the Dungeon - and they struggled a lot in his bindings, there would be no more than red irritated skin at the end of a scene around their wrists. How tight must whatever Dan had been bound with - Phil couldn’t tell if it were handcuffs or rope - have been and how hard must he have struggled to still bear marks of it today? 

“I’m not going to grab your wrists until you tell me what the safeword is.“ 

And the relief on Dan’s face when Phil said that, when he didn’t just dive in and hold Dan without asking for the rules first made the dominant suspect that maybe this was some kind of test, even if it was subconscious. 

“Should we go with colours?“ Dan asked.

“We do whatever you’re comfortable with,“ Phil promised, and Dan nodded. 

“Colours it is then.“

He thrust his wrists further forward, the knuckles of his fingers that were now balled to fists almost grazing Phil’s abdomen under the t-shirt he was wearing.

“So tell me how the colour system works,“ Phil demanded, as he wrapped his hands around Dan’s fists and lowered them. “I’m not doing anything before I’m sure that we’re on the same page here.“

Dan swallowed and looked at Phil with wide eyes. “You take this really seriously.“

“Of course I take this seriously. Even if we’re not in an actual scene, if there are safewords involved I’ll make sure that everyone knows what they stand for before we do anything.“

The look of awe on Dan’s face almost physically hurt Phil, because this shouldn’t be something that Dan should be surprised about. He should be familiar with it and as someone who was in the BDSM scene shouldn’t be surprised, and Phil knew that before Dan had met his kidnapper, he had scened with other doms, responsible doms. But now it looked like he had forgotten everything that they had taught him before he had met his captor.

“Come on, how does the colour system work?“ Phil pressed on, hoping that Dan knew at least how it was supposed to work.

“I say green if I am comfortable, yellow if I want to slow down and red - I say red if I want you to stop.“

“Good, Dan, that was great,“ Phil praised, and he watched as Dan’s cheeks coloured pink, something they did whenever Phil said something positive. Maybe Dan had a praise kink? Phil would love to see if his suspicion was true one day, but for now he had to focus on the situation at hand.

“I mean it when I say that I want you to use your safeword whenever you want to stop this. I’ll let go of you in a heartbeat if you say red. And I want you to know that I’ll also let go of you when you tell me to stop.“

Dan nodded and licked his lips, swallowed nervously, and offered up his wrists a second time. His arms were slightly trembling, but he held eye contact with Phil. That alone was something that showed Phil that Dan meant it when he said he wanted to try this, because when he was unsure or scared he still tended to avoid Phil’s eyes - like that monster had conditioned him to do. 

Phil moved slowly. Dan’s eyes were tracking every movement of his hands, and he took his time. He knew that his hands were cold, they always were, so even though Dan couldn’t see he smiled apologetically as his skin touched Dan’s. He wrapped his fingers around Dan’s wrists slowly, and he didn’t like that - now that he was conscious of the scars marring Dan’s skin - he could feel the scarred pattern. It made him feel helpless, because he knew that it was something he could never help Dan to get rid of.

“Deep breaths,“ Phil coaxed as Dan started to tense. “Tell me, what’s your colour?“

“Green.“ Dan’s voice was weaker than before, but he looked more determined than scared, although the trembling didn’t stop. He breathed deeply, like Phil had instructed him to do, and then his eyes found Phil’s. “Green,“ he repeated more confidently, and Phil smiled at him encouragingly.

“I’m not going to hurt you,“ he reminded the younger man gently, and Dan hummed in agreement, although there was still uncertainty dancing in the brown irises of his eyes.

“I know.“

“Good, you’re doing great. Do you want to try to get out of my grip now?“

To be fair, Phil didn’t have a strong grip on Dan, merely enough to give Dan something he could actually break out from. 

“Do you remember how they taught us in the course?“ 

Dan answered affirmatively and focused back on where his wrists were engulfed by Phil’s fingers and then he did all the steps that had been taught in the first self-defence class. He followed them slowly, as if to test the waters, but the speed of his movements meant he couldn’t get out of Phil’s grip. But then, before Phil could encourage him to try harder, Dan repeated the motion faster and with more force, and for a second Phil almost toppled over because he didn’t expect the force behind Dan’s movement.

Seeing the way Dan stared at his wrists in awe made pride bloom up in Phil’s chest. 

“I did it,“ Dan whispered, as if he couldn’t believe it, and then his eyes snapped up to meet Phil’s and a smile spread across his face. “I actually did it.“

“How are you feeling?“ Phil asked, just to make sure, and he couldn’t help but be excited about what had just happened between them, because this right there - this was a huge step forward.

“Green. Definitely green,“ and the answer took Phil by surprise, because he had not expected Dan to use the colour system. Dan extended his arms, wrists up, and his voice was full of hope when he continued, “can we try again? Can you grab me a bit tighter this time?“

___

“PJ is texting you an awful lot lately, isn’t he?“ Phil remarked as they made their way out of their apartment and Dan’s phone vibrated for the third time within a minute. 

“I really don’t know what’s wrong with him lately. As soon as I don’t reply to him within fifteen minutes, I get another message asking if I’m okay. It’s kind of annoying.“

They were on the way to a restaurant with some of Phil’s friends from work, including Louise who Dan remembered as being very lovely when they met last Halloween. Phil had asked him if he wanted to join them for the evening without thinking that Dan would agree to it, but the younger man had surprised him by saying that if he was on break from university, he might as well enjoy his time off as long as it lasted, and he had to admit that he really enjoyed himself. He had been anxious on the way to the restaurant, not knowing all of the people they were to meet up with, but they were a lovely bunch of humans and Louise immediately took him under her wing. She had Dan laughing the entire evening.  
 After the restaurant the group continued their way on to the pub, and at that point Dan considered going home. A restaurant had a different atmosphere then a pub, with less crowds and less alcohol flowing, but he decided to join them anyway. He shot Phil a shaky smile when he asked him if Dan was sure, and then Louise shoved her mobile phone under his nose to show him pictures of her lovely-looking daughter. 

Dan didn’t drink anything at the pub, because he just didn’t feel safe there, and while at the restaurant he could stand not sitting next to Phil, at the pub he constantly hovered around him. And that’s how he overheard a conversation that killed his good mood instantly.

“Are you coming to the club with us tomorrow, Phil?“

“No, sorry. I already have other plans.“

Did Phil plan to go to the Dungeon? He hadn’t been there for a while now, but he also hadn’t seemed to mind. But him and Phil didn’t have plans for the weekend and Phil had not mentioned anything else he might do. So he must be planning on going to the Dungeon, and the good mood that Dan had been in almost the entire evening disappeared.

They made their way home at one a.m., walking the streets of London because their apartment was only fifteen minutes away from the pub and they were probably faster walking than taking the tube. Of course they could have called a taxi, but the evening air was surprisingly mild and pleasant for this time of the year and it was a nice contrast to the stuffy air in the pub. 

“I really had fun tonight.“ 

Dan didn’t look at Phil, but he could hear the smile in his voice. He tried to agree, but he knew that his words sounded too flat to be believable, although they were true. He had had a great night, had enjoyed the company of the people they had surrounded themselves with, and the food at the restaurant had been delicious, but still thinking about the fact that Phil would go to the Dungeon the next night dampened his mood. 

“Hey, is everything okay?“ Phil asked and he bumped his hand against Dan’s as they walked.

Dan just grabbed it. He quickly interlaced his fingers with Phil’s, but refused to make eye contact. He could feel the blush spreading over his face, but it was dark and he hoped that Phil couldn’t see it.

The pavement was wet under their feet as it had rained while they were sat in the pub, and the air smelled of petrichor. Cars passed by occasionally, and the pavement was empty except for a few night owls.

“Everything’s fine,“ Dan muttered, but his words sounded less than convincing. 

He felt Phil squeeze his fingers, and his heart jumped nervously in his chest. 

“Are you sure? You kept going quiet on me at the pub. Were you not comfortable? Obviously you weren’t completely, because you didn’t want to drink anything there, but-“

“Is it wrong that I want you all for myself even though I can’t give you what you want?“

Phil stopped abruptly, looking at Dan perplexed, and because their fingers were still interlaced, Dan was forced to stop as well.

“Dan.“

The funny thing was that Dan hadn’t even meant to say it. He had wanted to brush Phil’s doubts away with a lie that had already been formed in his head, but then those other words had slipped out of his mouth and now it was too late, and Dan wasn’t entirely sure anymore how to stop the words from coming out.

“Because I don’t want you to go to the Dungeon. I can’t stand the idea of you touching someone else, kissing someone else.“

“I-“

Dan’s heart leapt into his throat, and before Phil could answer he pushed himself closer, and his lips against Phil’s swallowed the words that were about to escape. 

The kiss was slow. Soft. Gentle. Two pairs of lips grazing against each other with carefulness. Phil’s hand that wasn’t holding Dan’s came up to rest against Dan’s cheek, his thumb caressing the skin there. It was over quickly. Too quickly.

And then Dan’s eyelids fluttered open - and when had he even closed them? - and he fell into the deep pool of Phil’s eyes immediately. 

“I’m not going to the Dungeon,“ Phil whispered, and they were still close enough that Dan could feel his warm breath on his skin. 

“You said you had plans tomorrow,“ Dan answered, his voice hoarse, and it was almost impossible to hear Phil’s words over his own heartbeat thudding in his ear.

“I do, but I’m not going to the Dungeon. Why would I-“, Phil cut himself off, “my brother is coming to London and I’m meeting up with him. I told you about that, remember?“

Phil’s hand was still on Dan’s cheek, and he could feel Dan’s blush, the way it burned under his palm. “I’m not just going to go to the Dungeon now with this thing between us, Dan,“ Phil assured, and he smiled softly. “Are you okay?“

“Yeah,“ and Dan meant the words, even though his heart was still beating too fast, “I’m feeling green.“

“Great,“ Phil smiled.  
___

It was 5 a.m. and the air was bitingly cold now. Dan only wore a thin jacket over his t-shirt, and his hands were shaking in the pockets of his jeans. He was sitting on a bench and looking out over the Thames. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see the silhouette of the tower of Westminster. The night sky slowly turned to grey and sometimes people passed by. Each of them had made Dan tense up, but they had all ignored him.

Dan had slipped out of their apartment at half past three in the morning, while Phil was fast asleep in his room, and he had just roamed the streets. After an hour he had arrived at the Thames and sat down. Before that he hadn’t even realized how crisp it was, but now the coldness was seeping through his clothes, and yet Dan didn’t acknowledge it. His mind was occupied with other thoughts.

The kiss. 

It had been gentle. Soft, short and sweet. It had been the kind of kiss he had dreamed about, the one he had been waiting for. No panic attacks. No fear. He had been so wrapped up in the thought of Phil going to the Dungeon, worked up about the idea of Phil being with someone else, that he hadn’t had the time to fear the kiss. 

The surface of the river was glistening in the light of dawn. Phil’s lips on Dan’s. His hand on Dan’s cheek. The twinkle in his eyes after the kiss. Dan could not forget it. The warmth of Phil’s fingers intertwined with his. Phil’s breath on Dan’s lips. His softly spoken words, the promise not to go back to the Dungeon. All these memories made Dan shiver. 

How was he supposed to act now? There was no way of going back. No way to pretend that this hadn't happened. They hadn't talked about the handholding, but a kiss wasn't that easy to ignore, not after the first few tries. This was huge. It was a big deal. And although the kiss hadn’t scared Dan, the thought of the confrontation that was about to follow did scare him very much. 

So Dan watched the river flow as his thoughts were a mess in his mind and his heart was beating a nervous rhythm in his chest, and he wondered how he was supposed to find the courage to return back to his flat.

___

When Phil woke up the next morning he felt happy. The sky was blue and he could hear the birds chirping outside his window. He had dreamed the most wonderful dream and remembering what happened last night made the day ahead look even brighter.

He got out of bed and left his room with a spring in his step. The door to Dan's room was open and Phil assumed that the younger man had gotten up early, not noticing the quietness of the apartment quite yet. The kitchen was empty and so was the lounge, and only when Phil passed the toilet whose door was unlocked when walking into the bathroom did he realise that something was wrong. It was way too early for Dan to have left for university already. 

Phil called out for him twice, but he was met with no answer.

Whatever Phil wanted to do was immediately forgotten and he ran back to his room to get his phone.

PJ sounded less than happy when he picked up.

“What do you want?“ he asked grumpily.

“Dan is gone,“ Phil didn't even say good morning, he just came straight to the point out of panic. “We kissed last night - consensually, and he was fine - but now he's just gone and I don't know where.“

PJ sounded more alert now. “Have you tried calling him?“

“Of course I’ve tried calling him. I can hear his phone vibrating in his room but he's not here. His keys and wallet are gone too.“

“You need to go to the police. Now. Report Dan as missing. Take something with you, his toothbrush or hairbrush. They’ll need his DNA. And some recent pictures of him as well.“

“Wait, PJ, the police? What’s this all about?“

“I should have told you this a while ago already. Oh god, it’s all my fault. Where’s your nearest police station? I’ll meet you there, and I’ll tell you what’s going on.“

“But why can’t you tell me now?“ Phil asked annoyed, but he was already in the bathroom and grabbing for Dan’s hairbrush that had two strands of brown hair in it.

“Trust me, Phil, this is not a conversation we should be having on the phone.“


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter, yay! Thanks for the lovely comments guys. There won't be another chapter until May since I need to focus on real life again for a while and need a short break from TWT, sorry. But I hope you enjoy this one. :) x
> 
> WARNING: There's something potentially triggering in here. If you don't want to read on without knowing what it is just to be safe, go to the bottom of the page and I'll write it in the notes there. I won't tag it yet as it's a spoiler for this chapter. Stay safe reading.

PJ was out of breath when he arrived in front of the police station, where Phil was already waiting for him anxiously. He bent over with a hand pressed against his ribs and trying to catch his breath, red in the face and sweating. 

“PJ, I swear to god, if you don’t tell me what’s going on right now I’m going to actually punch something,“ Phil growled, hands balled to fists. Every worst-case scenario possible had already run through his head a thousand times by now, and he had no idea which of them it would eventually be that was true.

“I should have told you when I first found out, but I wanted to talk to Dan about it first but didn’t know how. Phil,“ PJ looked up with a pained expression on his face, one that was full of worry and genuine regret, “I think Dan might be suicidal.“

“No,“ Phil shook his head vehemently. “There’s absolutely no way. Why? How could you possibly think that? Dan is fine. He’s scared, but he’s stable. He could never-“

“I didn’t mean to see it, but then I saw it by accident, okay? When I checked my e-mails on his laptop, I opened up a new tab and I saw his bookmarked pages. Most of them dealt with suicide, Phil. Pages listing suicide helplines, but also pages discussing the best way to do it. Almost his entire history was full of pages like that.“

“But you don’t think he would do that, do you?“ Phil asked sceptically, because of all the worst-case scenarios that had been running through this head, this one had been at the bottom of the pile of things that might have happened. 

Phil watched as PJ ran a hand through his hair, the look on his face stricken. 

“He’s called a helpline more than once. I’ve checked his phone. And now he’s run off in the middle of the night, and he left his phone behind.“

“I see your point, but I really don’t think Dan would be happy to hear that you went through this stuff,“ Phil snapped, and the worry about Dan was a little bit overshadowed by annoyance at PJ, because couldn’t he have just talked to the younger man and have avoided this situation in the first place?

PJ looked at Phil as if he wanted to kill him that very moment, as if the only thing stopping him right now was the fact that they were standing in front of a police station.

“I haven’t always been the best friend Dan could ask for. I talked him into going to the Dungeon with me when he wasn’t ready, and although I knew you made him uncomfortable, I invited you both to my place at the same time. I forced him into going with me for Halloween even though he had told me a thousand times that he didn’t want to go. I’ve done loads of things wrong, Phil, but right now I’m going to do the right thing. We need to report Dan missing. Even if he’s not thinking of committing suicide, he might be having a panic attack somewhere, too disoriented to find his way home and not even able to call for help.“  
___

“How was it that you realized Dan was missing for the first time he disappeared?“ Phil asked quietly.

It was around midday now, and Phil and PJ were sitting in Phil’s lounge. The older man had called into work to ask for the day off, and although his boss had been less than thrilled, he had understood that Phil was in no condition to have a clear head at the moment and agreed to his request. Whenever one of their phones vibrated, they both jumped, hoping to hear from Dan, but they were always disappointed. The police had promised to keep on the lookout for him, and they had requested that should he stay missing for longer than twenty-four hours, they wanted access to Dan’s phone and laptop and to look through his possessions for clues as to where he might have gone. 

“I had told him to text me once he got home from the dominant,“ PJ answered, “but the text never came. I didn’t think too much of it in the beginning, but after a few days I got suspicious. We’d only known each other for two months at that point, so I wasn’t too concerned about him. I only found out that he went missing when I went to the Dungeon the next time, because the news that someone had disappeared the night after visiting there had spread like wildfire.“

“Who reported him missing?“

“His mum. He messaged her at least once a day, but when she didn’t hear from him and couldn’t reach him on the phone for two days, she contacted the police. I can’t imagine what she must be going through right now, as if Dan going missing once wasn’t enough.“

The screen of Phil’s phone lit up and both men tensed and held their breath as Phil checked the message he had received.

“It’s from my brother. I was supposed to meet him tonight, but I think I’ll cancel.“

Then they sat in silence and waited. Phil still had a million questions regarding Dan’s first disappearance, but PJ’s eyes were reddened from being on the verge of crying for so long and he didn’t want to put him under more stress than he already was. 

“You don’t think he’d actually hurt himself, do you?“ PJ asked quietly after a few minutes, and the way his voice wobbled let Phil know that he was losing his composure after pretending to be somewhat okay for the last few hours. So Phil closed the distance between them on the couch and wrapped an arm around him in comfort. He could feel PJ press his face against his chest and the tears wetting the fabric of his t-shirt. Phil had to look up and blink to try and keep his own tears in. PJ was always strong for Dan, and now it was Phil’s time to be strong for PJ.

“I think he’s going to be okay,“ Phil answered, and he hoped that he was right. After PJ had shown him the websites he had found bookmarked on Dan’s computer, he wasn’t so sure anymore.  
___

Dan had been wandering the familiar streets for hours now. He was tired, so tired. The sun had already started to set, painting the sky in orange, pink and purple, and he knew that he had to make his way to a specific place soon. It had been more of an impulse decision to come here, something that he rarely had these days. All his life was planned out down to the smallest detail. Every step he took was thought over carefully before moving forward - or at least that’s how it had been until Phil had stepped into his life and slowly started to destroy Dan’s carefully built walls and tear down the barbed wire fence he had wrapped around his heart for safety. 

Being around made him do things, stupid things that Dan didn’t question enough before jumping right into. Holding hands, kissing, even allowing him to restrain Dan - putting him in such a defenceless position that thinking about it now made a shudder run down his spine. The older man made him feel things, things that scared him, and he had tried to unscramble his muddled emotions for so long, but now Dan just didn’t know what to do anymore, which led him where he was right now.

He was cold because he was still only wearing a thin t-shirt under a jacket that was intended for weather warmer than this, and he knew that he’d been putting this off for long enough already. A train ticket was crumpled in the right pocket of his jacket that he had bought a few hours ago. It was time for him to do what he came here to do, and he changed directions to walk down the road that would lead him to the house he had made so many memories in.   
It was another thirty minutes before he arrived there. The picket fence was newly painted and flowers were blooming in the garden. He walked up the path and rang the doorbell. Voices could be heard from within, and after a short time the door was opened, revealing the face of a shocked-looking woman with her brown hair up in a messy bun and reddened eyes that made her look like she had been crying recently.

“Dan!“ came a surprised shout, and then two thin arms wrapped themselves around his torso, holding on too tight and making it hard to breathe, and he hugged back.

“Hi, mum.“  
___

PJ felt like throwing up when he saw the number of Mrs. Howell flash up on his phone, and he nearly didn’t want to pick up with worry. She had said she’d call him if there was new information, but what if it was bad news? What if they had found him and he was hurt and in hospital? What if they had found him and he wasn’t alive anymore?

“If you don’t pick up, I’ll do it,“ Phil threatened, his voice tense. 

So PJ took the phone with shaking hands and accepted the call. It felt as hot as a heated iron when he pressed it against his ear, and his voice failed him when he talked. 

“Mrs. Howell?“

“He’s home, PJ.“ A sigh of relief escaped PJ’s lips and all the tension in his body seemed to leave at once. He looked over to Phil and smiled slightly, and Phil’s face flooded with relief.

“How is he? Is he okay? Do you know what happened?“

“He’s exhausted, fell asleep a few minutes after arriving. He hasn’t talked much either, but I’ve called the police and we’ll be going to the station tomorrow because they want to talk to him before closing the case.“

“Why do they want him at the station?“ PJ asked in surprise, worry back again. “Did something happen?“

“It’s just to make sure that he’s completely fine considering his past,“ Mrs. Howell assured him.

“Can I talk to him when he wakes up?“

Mrs. Howell sighed at the other side of the line. “Give him a bit of time, PJ. Something is obviously wrong, otherwise he wouldn’t have come here without a word. He’ll call you when he is ready, okay?“

“I understand,“ PJ said, but really he didn’t understand. Dan was his best friend, he felt like it was his right to hear him just to make sure that he was actually safe. “Thanks for calling, Mrs. Howell.“

“So he’s alright?“ Phil asked as soon as PJ hung up. “What happened?“  
___

Dan was horrified when he woke up the next morning, feeling relatively well-rested but still so tried, and learned that he had been reported missing, that his friends had thought he had planned to take his own life.

“But it’s only for the story I wrote,“ Dan had tried to explain as his mother had been sobbing and hugging him close, “I promise I only looked it all up for research.“

When they asked what his real reason was why he ran away, he shifted uncomfortably on the sofa and avoided the stares of his parents sheepishly, before tentatively trying to explain. It was easy for Dan to write words down, but telling his parents the story of Phil and him and trying to put words to the feelings he had to deal with was much harder than anything Dan had ever tried to describe before. His parents knew about Phil, and they knew that he was a dominant - when Dan decided to move in with Phil they’d asked several times if he was sure about it - but it came as a surprise to them when Dan admitted that he had feelings for the older man - feelings that scared him to death.

“Oh, honey,“ Dan’s mother gushed and hugged him again, and his father gave him a reassuring pat on the back before they drove to the police station.

Dan found the courage to call PJ in the afternoon, and his best friend sounded like he was crying over the phone, and Dan really didn’t know how to deal with all the tears he was responsible for. He honestly felt like a bad person for making them all worry about him so much, but he was also slightly annoyed with PJ for not talking to him about what he had found on Dan’s laptop. Dan couldn’t stay mad at him for long though, because the way PJ’s voice wobbled showed just how much his friend cared for him.

“Have you talked to Phil yet?“ PJ asked when they were about to hang up. 

“No, not yet.“ 

“You should. He’s been really worried about you as well.“

“Yeah, maybe I will call him.“

But Dan knew that he wasn’t going to call him, because the last time he had talked to Phil was the last time they had kissed, and that was what had led to him running away and brought them all into this mess in the first place. He was honestly embarrassed about this entire story and doubted that anyone would forget about it soon.

“I mean it, Dan. Call him.“

So Dan did call him, and he hung up after the second ring in panic. The number was an unfamiliar one as he was making the calls from his mother’s phone, and he was sure Phil couldn’t know that number, so he surely wouldn’t call back, but Dan was mistaken. Phil called back immediately, and Dan had to take a deep breath before picking up.

To Dan’s surprise, he felt immediately soothed by hearing Phil’s voice. It was a surprisingly easy conversation that Phil obviously tried to keep going between them to not make things awkward, and he only mentioned once briefly that he was glad to know that Dan was safe and okay, not asking why he had decided to disappear. There was a strain in his voice though that gave away that Phil was more affected by this than he let on. 

“Do you know how long you’ll stay with your parents?“ he asked eventually when there was a lull in conversation.

“I’m not really sure. Holidays are still going on for another week, so probably until university starts again. It’s just nice to get away from things, you know?“

“Yeah,“ Phil agreed, before humming as if he considered something. “But all of your stuff is still in our apartment. Don’t you need any of that?“

“I honestly haven’t thought about that yet,“ Dan admitted sheepishly. He had left with his wallet, a jacket and his keys, all of his other possessions were still back in his room in London, and he was currently wearing clothes that he had last worn when he was seventeen, that were way too small for him already.

“You know, I could bring you some stuff if you wanted to. It’s only an hour away by car, and I could take PJ with me. I’m sure he’d be glad to see you. And we could bring you clothes and the things you need for studying and your laptop and stuff.“

“Would you really do that for me?“

“I’d do anything for you, Dan. Send me a list of things you need and I’ll pack them, okay? If it’s okay with you, of course. We don’t have to come if that’s not what you want.“

Dan blushed, and he didn’t even have to think about it before he answered. “It’d be great to see you.“

___

PJ and Phil arrived at 9 p.m. on Sunday night, and Mrs. Howell insisted that they stay for the night and leave tomorrow morning. It was only a bit over an hour by car back to London, so they could have easily made it back at a decent time, but they happily agreed to her offer and the prospect of staying close to Dan.

PJ had almost squeezed him to death when he saw him, and Phil would have loved to do the same, but he only smiled, unsure of just how much contact Dan would be comfortable with right now. Mrs. Howell made them hot chocolate and they spent the night on the couch, chatting and laughing. Phil noticed that Dan looked uncomfortable from time to time, but he showed them his story on his laptop, the one that had PJ running to the police in worry as soon as he had disappeared, and Phil skimmed a few sentences of the story quickly before Dan shut the laptop with a blush on his face, surprised at how good the younger man actually was at writing.

It got late and since Phil had to leave early the next morning to drive to work - PJ had decided to stay with Dan for another day or two - he went up to bed in the guest room, followed by PJ who slept on a mattress on the floor of Dan’s room.

Dan, however, decided to stay downstairs for longer, tired but not ready to go to bed quite yet. It was around two a.m. that his mother found him sitting on the couch and thoughtfully staring into the air when she was on her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

“Is everything okay, love?“

He jumped, not having noticed his mother approach, and gave her a tired smile. “Yeah, just thinking.“

“What about?“ she asked and sat down beside him. 

Dan shrugged his shoulders. “The usual.“

He didn’t have to say more for her to know that he was talking about Phil. She had observed them the entire evening, the way Dan tended to blush easily when Phil’s attention was on him and how there was a smile lingering on Phil’s lips when he listened to what Dan had to say attentively. 

Mrs. Howell took her son’s hands in her own and squeezed them encouragingly. “For what it’s worth, I think that Phil is a decent human being. He has manners, he’s friendly, and it’s obvious to see that he really likes you.“

Dan blushed at that and ducked his head, and he pressed his lips together hard to stop himself from smiling, the words making his heart beat faster. 

“And your father likes him too. It’s all up to you, but I can promise you that no matter what relationship you want to have with Phil in the end, we will one hundred percent support it.“

“Really?“

“He seems to have your best interest at heart, and as your mother that is all I could ever ask for.“

Dan smiled at her. “Thanks mum, I think I really needed to hear that.“  
___

The floorboards creaked under Dan’s steps as he tried to sneak past PJ lying on a mattress on the floor to his own bed.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t wait up for you?“ PJ asked and Dan flinched, taken by surprise.

“Jesus, PJ, you scared the shit out of me,“ he complained with a muted voice. 

PJ giggled and watched as Dan plopped down on his bed and shuffled around on it until he found a comfortable position facing his friend.

“I feel like we’re ten and having a sleepover party and it’s way past our bedtime.“

“We should really go to sleep now, PJ,“ Dan said coldly, and felt guilty for it, but he knew the conversation that was coming, and he really didn’t want to talk about it.

“Why did you run away?“  
 The words hung in the air and were met with silence by Dan, because how could he possibly explain it in a way that PJ would understand if he didn’t fully understand it himself? Phil and him had kissed, and for a while Dan had been okay with that, but then suddenly the walls had felt like they were closing in and he had just up and left for some fresh air, and then his feet had brought him to the Thames, and then the sun had risen and he was tired, but under no circumstances had he felt ready to return to the flat yet. So he had roamed the streets of London, bought himself lunch, pondering the kiss every second of the hours that passed by, and suddenly he had felt the need to feel safe. It hit him out of nowhere, the longing for warmth and safety and a place he could turn to that took all his worries away for a while. And that’s how he had found himself at the train station, buying a ticket to go home to his family.

“I don’t know,“ he answered truthfully, because he really didn’t know. He hadn’t intended to run away, just stroll through the streets for a while and forget about the kiss. “Can we talk about this another time?“

“If that’s what you want,“ PJ said and then Dan could hear shuffling, and that was the end of their conversation. Although tired, he didn’t fall asleep for quite a while.  
___

Phil left early the next morning, so early that Dan almost missed his departure. He had fallen asleep on the couch at around 3 a.m. and his mother had shaken him awake so he could say goodbye to Phil. His parents were having breakfast in the kitchen and PJ was still asleep, so it was Dan and Phil alone in the hallway.

“Drive carefully,“ Dan said and Phil rolled his eyes at him affectionately. “I mean it. And thank you again for- well, you know. And sorry about all of this.“

“You have nothing to apologize for, Dan,“ Phil interrupted him gently. 

They stood in front of each other awkwardly for a few seconds, before Dan swallowed and stepped forward to hug Phil. The older man immediately returned the hug, and Dan felt strangely comforted by the weight of Phil’s arms around his body. 

“I’ll see you on Friday then,“ Phil smiled once they had separated again, and Dan nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be back sometime around noon.“

“Can’t wait to see you.“

“You too.“

Dan watched Phil walk to his car and bit his lip while contemplating. Only when Phil had deposited his bag in the boot and opened the door on the driver’s side, did he finally call out to him: “Wait, Phil, stop a moment.“

He ran out of the house barefoot, the grass in the early morning hours cold against his skin, and Phil looked at him curiously. 

“On Saturday do you- I mean, would you like to go on a date with me?“ he mumbled out the words, but by the way Phil’s face lit up he had understood them anyway.

“Are you sure, Dan?“ Phil asked just to make sure, but the way the skin around his eyes crinkled as he smiled was confirmation enough for Dan that he had done the right thing.

“Absolutely,“ he agreed, and fiddled nervously with the hem of his shirt. “If you want to, I mean.“

“Of course I want to, you nut,“ Phil answered fondly. “Do you have anything particular in mind you’d like to do?“

“Surprise me?“

And Phil swallowed at that. “Dan, are you completely sure?“

“Yes,“ the younger man said with as much confidence as he could gather, and he believed what he said. And then he closed the distance between them and pressed his lips against Phil’s, and Phil’s hands cupped his cheeks and Dan decided that he liked the way that felt very much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: talks of suicide


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's May, and as promised I'm back. Which was totally not planned to be honest, to post the next chapter today, but it worked out so why not. Thanks for the lovely comments guys, as always they were a pleasure to read and made me smile. I think there'll be less than 10 chapters left of this fic now, but I'm not entirely sure yet. Here's a new chapter for you. Hope you enjoy. :) x

Dan was tugging at the hem of his white button-up shirt nervously. It had a tendency of riding up when he moved too much, exposing the black belt he was wearing and a little bit of skin. PJ had said that it looked fine, that he looked good, but he wasn’t so sure about that. He felt overdressed and underdressed at the same time, not knowing where Phil would take him today. Dan guessed that that was his own fault as he had told Phil to surprise him, and Phil had taken his words more seriously than Dan had intended them to be. His lips had been sealed when Dan had asked where they were going, and PJ hadn’t been helpful either. He had just assured Dan that he would absolutely love what Phil had planned for them.

Dan was at PJ’s flat, and would return there after today’s date as well to spend the night. He was pacing around the living room and could hear PJ’s girlfriend rummaging around in the kitchen, doing the dishes. It was shortly after lunch and she had cooked for them, but Dan hadn’t managed to swallow more than a few bites due to nerves. PJ was lounging on a comfortable chair, laptop on his lap and cursing over the approaching deadline of a paper proposal he had to write for one of his classes. 

“Your pacing doesn’t help me concentrate at all,“ he complained while following Dan’s movement with his eyes. 

“And listening to you curse your essay doesn’t calm my nerves either,“ Dan shot right back.

PJ rolled his eyes, but closed his laptop and put it away and focused on Dan. “You have nothing to be nervous about.“

“I know that.“ 

And Dan really did know that, technically. But still there was this voice nagging at the back of his mind, reminding him that he had no idea what was about to happen, that he had no control at all over what they were going to do.

PJ pulled him out of his thoughts. “Are you scared?“

“I am,“ Dan admitted, and as he saw PJ’s face darken with worry, he quickly added, “but somehow it’s the good kind of scary, you know?“

Before PJ could answer, the doorbell rang, and Dan felt like his heart had just dropped into his stomach with nerves. There was no going back now.

PJ got up from the chair and went to open the door, and Dan tugged at his shirt one more time before trailing after his best friend into the hallway. He could hear Phil walking up the stairs and with every footstep his pulse quickened. And then there stood Phil, with a single red rose in his hand, twirling the stem between his fingers. Just that little sign of Phil’s nervousness, fidgeting with the flower, put Dan slightly at ease. He wasn’t the only one worrying about today, and that was a comforting thought. 

“You look good,“ Phil greeted him, and Dan ducked his head. He could feel himself blushing as he muttered a shy thank you, but really he should have returned the words as well. The way Phil stood in the hallway with that red rose in contrast to the pale skin on his hands, wearing a dark blue button-up shirt with white dots that Dan hadn’t seen on him before, he looked like someone that had just jumped out of the glossy pages of the latest edition of a Vogue magazine. 

Phil handed him the flower and Dan accepted it with shaky hands, before PJ was quick to take it from him and offer to put it in a vase. 

“And now go, you two lovebirds.“ He turned to Phil and pointed at him accusingly, saying in a joking voice, “His curfew is eleven and if you hurt him there’s a gun hidden under my mattress that I’m willing to use.“

“I’ll make sure to have him home by ten,“ Phil promised with a lopsided grin, and Dan scoffed at them both.

Phil had arranged for a taxi to take them wherever they were going. It was a relatively short trip that lasted for fifteen minutes filled with slightly awkward small-talk. On a normal day they would ramble on about whatever, but it seemed that being on a date had changed the atmosphere between them, and while Dan was unsure of what to say at all, Phil tried to make sure that there was no silence between them for the duration of the ride. To be honest, Dan hadn’t properly listened to half the things Phil had talked about, too nervous to concentrate on what was being said.

The taxi stopped in front of a building that Dan was definitely familiar with, and for a moment he wondered if the taxi driver had messed up their destination, but then Phil got out of the car and opened the door for Dan, and the younger man got out of the car with confusion. 

In front of him was the very library that they had met in for the second time, the one that Phil visited every Wednesday evening to read to children.

Phil took his hand and pulled him along, up the few stone steps into the old building, and they were greeted by an older woman that Dan had seen here before.

“Hello Gladis,“ Phil greeted the woman, and she smiled at him brightly, her teeth slightly crooked.

“I was worried you wouldn’t come, dear,“ she welcomed them and ushered them along, away from the rooms of the library Dan was familiar with and towards a big old wooden door. She pulled a key out of her jeans pocket and unlocked it, and she needed to press almost her entire body-weight against the door to open it. “We’re closing at eight today. Until that I’ll leave you two to your own.“

“Thanks, love,“ Phil told her and they exchanged smiles before she scurried away, leaving Phil holding the door open for Dan. 

Dan entered, still confused about what they were doing at the library, but when he entered the room, he felt his breath catch in his throat.

“This is the archive. It’s not open to the public, and people work here from Monday to Friday. They keep the important stuff here, things like first-printed editions of books or even some scripts with original notes from the authors. I realize it doesn’t come close to the archive of the London Library, but it’s something,“ Phil explained nervously. 

The room, it was big with rows of shelves filled with older and newer books and tables and stools in the middle, was illuminated by the glow of fairy lights, and thin strips of sunlight crept from behind the curtains, highlighting swirling dust motes. On the floor there was a heap of blankets and pillows, and chocolate and drinks to one side, and Dan was speechless.

“Is it too much? I wanted to use candles originally instead of fairy lights but Gladis wouldn’t let me. It was hard enough to convince her to get food and drinks in here in the first place. You don’t think it’s too much, do you?“ Phil sounded nervous as he closed the door behind them. Dan stood next to him, unmoving, trying to take in the entire scene in front of him. This right here in front of him was like he was in a movie, too perfect to possibly be true. 

“Oh god, it’s way too much, isn’t it? I just thought because you love books and- how about we forget this ever happened and we go somewhere else? A museum or something. I’m sorry, this was a bad id-“

“This is perfect,“ Dan whispered, not daring to raise his words to destroy the atmosphere of the room. “Is this real life right now?“ 

And he turned around to Phil with a twinkle in his eyes, because there was an entire giant room filled with books for him to see that was not accessible to the public. And there were fairy lights everywhere, and Dan wasn’t sure if this was a dream, because it was too good to be true.

Phil let out a sigh of relief. “You like it?“

Dan smiled at him and nodded, and he grabbed Phil’s hand, his hand shaking slightly and sweaty from nerves, and pulled him along towards the rows of bookshelves. His eyes skimmed the backs of the books and he didn’t even know where to start looking as entire universes in paper lay before him to discover.

For almost an hour they looked through the shelves together before Phil trailed off into a different direction and left Dan behind for a few minutes, marvelling at a copy of Virginia Woolf’s handwritten script for ‘Mrs. Dalloway’ - he knew the original script was kept at the British Library, but just holding a copy of it made him feel in awe - when he suddenly felt the presence of a body behind him.

Every muscle in his body started to tense all at once and the hair on the back of his neck stood up. It was suddenly hard to breathe as he felt hands resting on his hips, and then there was a chin on his shoulder and warm breath on his neck and against his ear, and he shivered as a voice asked: “What are you looking at?“

Dan ripped himself away from the touch and turned around, back pressed against the shelves and wide-eyed. His heart was beating too fast and his throat felt too dry, and he was clutching the papers in his hands against his chest as a sort of shield that would not withstand any kind of attack.

He swallowed heavily and the tension slightly left his shoulders as he realized that it had been Phil sneaking up on him, who now held his hands up in a non-threatening way and looked guilty. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.“

But the damage was already done because the gears in Dan’s head had started turning, and the voices had started screaming, and Dan was alone on a date with a dominant, and the last time that had happened he hadn’t seen the light of day for two weeks, and suddenly the soft glow of the fairy lights seemed threatening and he wanted to rip open the thick curtains with a scream, but his body was still frozen to the spot, back pressed against the shelf. 

“I shouldn’t have snuck up like that or held you from behind. That was really stupid and I’m so sorry. Are you okay, Dan?“

Phil sounded concerned, and there was another voice in Dan’s head now, not the one screaming danger but a softer one, more like a whisper, reminding him that this was Phil he was with, and Phil wouldn’t hurt him, and people knew where they were and he was safe. PJ would know something was wrong if Dan wouldn’t return that night, PJ could easily identify Phil if something happened. And while he thought that his heart understood that by now, his brain hadn’t caught up with that knowledge quite yet and his body was still ready to defend or flee. 

Dan was shaking like a leaf, but he took a small step forward and held out the papers in his hands. 

“Can you read this to me?“ His voice caught and as Phil reached out to take the papers from him, he almost wanted to pull away but kept his stance. 

“Of course. Do you want us to sit down?“

Dan nodded and Phil took him by the hand, intertwined their fingers slowly to give him enough time to pull back if that’s what he wanted, but Dan just held on tighter. 

Phil led them to the blankets and pillows near the entrance of the room and propped up two pillows against the wall. He toed off his shoes and stepped on the blankets, sat down and leaned his back against the pillow and Dan did the same. They were sitting close to each other but not too close, and Phil whistled as his eyes scanned over the papers in his hands and he realised what he was holding.

“Have you read ‘Mrs. Dalloway’?“ he asked Dan. 

“I’m an English literature student, of course I’ve read it.“

“Of course you’ve read it,“ Phil repeated those words and smiled, because Dan had almost sounded offended as he answered.

So the older man started reading and sometimes stumbled over words because Virginia Woolf’s handwriting was not that easy to read, and Dan closed his eyes and listened, and without realising it, his head slowly started to fall to the side and rest against Phil’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a while.

____

“And she was so convinced that I was her boyfriend and I had no idea she had a boyfriend so of course I kissed back, because I was just as drunk as she was and why the hell not. And suddenly this gigantic guy tapped on my shoulder, and I turned around and he punched me straight in the face! I don’t even know how she was able to mistake me with him, because he looked like a bodybuilder and I at that time in university was more of a beanpole. And that’s the story of how I spent my twenty-second birthday in the A&E with a broken nose.“

Dan laughed out loud when Phil was finished telling his story. They’d been talking for hours now, and his stomach hurt from laughing already. 

“Maybe you were just as bad of a kisser as him,“ Dan teased, and Phil tried to glare at him but failed miserably at staying serious.

“I’ll have you know that I’m an excellent kisser,“ he was quick to answer.

Dan arched one eyebrow. “Oh really?“

And suddenly the atmosphere in the room shifted. What had been playful and fun was now tense and full of electricity, and without thinking Phil leaned towards Dan, neither able to look away from the other. Dan held his breath, a feeling tingling in his chest that he hadn’t felt in so long. Excitement. Anticipation. That tightening in his chest that he had never known how to describe. 

“Really,“ Phil whispered, and then it was Dan who closed the distance and lightly brushed his lips over Phil’s. They both pulled back, eye contact still steady, and for a second or two neither of them dared to move or even breathe. 

And then their lips crashed together, and it was unlike any kiss Dan remembered experiencing before. Rough but also gentle, fingers tangling in his hair as he tried to find a hold on Phil’s clothes, his fingers clutching at Phil’s back. Phil’s tongue was trailing over his bottom lip and Dan obliged Phil’s request by opening his mouth, whimpering as their tongues touched, the tip of his tongue tingling at the contact. 

They moved and shifted and pressed their bodies against each other’s, and then they toppled over, Dan landing on his back and Phil on top of him, the cushions softening the blow, and the kiss didn’t break and Dan’s hands started to wander, feeling along Phil’s sides, from his ribs down to his waist, and Phil’s fingers gently tugged at Dan’s hair. Their legs were tangled and their chests pressed together, and Dan was able to feel Phil’s heart against his ribcage, but their hips never touched.

A breathy moan escaped Phil’s lips and got swallowed up by Dan’s mouth and Dan shivered at the sound, and Phil’s fingers in his hair pulled harder now and forced him to arch his neck, and it was kind of too hard and it kind of hurt, and all of a sudden the kiss was a mixture of pleasure and pain. Dan tried to hold on to the good feeling, but his neck was strained from the position he was forced in and the sounds Phil made weren’t sexy anymore but scary, and it was all too much.

It wasn’t Phil anymore who was on top of him now, but another body that he never wanted to feel on him ever again, and the weight felt crushing instead of comforting, and the air in the room must have been exchanged with a vacuum because Dan couldn’t breathe anymore, and his entire body froze.

He almost didn’t notice when the weight disappeared from on top of him, or how his body was shifted, but then he straddled Phil who was kneeling now, and he blinked, sight blurry from tears, and Phil’s blue eyes looked up at him with concern. One of his hands cupped Dan’s face and the other was carefully rested at the small of his back to make sure that he didn’t slide off of Phil’s knees.

“Are you okay?“ he asked carefully, tone gentle, and there was no trace left of the man that had just kissed him too hard except for the way his pupils were slightly dilated. “This kiss got more heated than I expected.“

Phil tried to go for a light-hearted tone as his thumb caressed Dan’s cheek, and the younger man leaned into the touch. 

“I’m fine,“ Dan croaked out, but his voice trembled slightly as did his body, and his heart was still beating too fast. “You’re right, you are a good kisser.“

He watched as Phil smiled - he looked attractive and soft under the fairy lights - and maybe fear wasn’t the only thing that was making his heart beat so fast.

Dan made the decision to lean forward and connect their lips for another kiss in a split second. There was no heat behind their movements this time, only slow and soft brushing of lips against lips, Phil’s hands still cupping Dan’s cheek and resting on his lower back, and Dan’s hands on Phil’s shoulders.

They parted again and smiled at each other. Phil retracted his hand from Dan’s cheek and instead took Dan’s hand and linked their fingers. 

“There’s something I always want you to remember, Dan. I might be the dominant of the two of us, but you will always be the one who’s in control.“  
___

Dan sipped on his tea and shifted uncomfortably. PJ was sitting on the couch and watching every single one of his movements like a hawk. Dan had told him close to nothing about the date, because it was something that had felt so personal that he wanted to hold on to it himself and not share it with the world.

“What?“ he asked PJ slightly irritated, who was offended by the fact Dan refused to tell him details.

“You look like you’re glowing with happiness,“ PJ answered and squinted at him as if considering something, “it’s a good look on you.“

Dan smiled tiredly. All the nervousness he had felt during the day and the tension had now left his body and he was just exhausted, but he did feel like he was glowing as well. Happier. Like something in him had shifted.

“So does that make you guys boyfriends now?“ PJ inquired and grinned as Dan ducked his head and blushed, shrugged his shoulders.

“I think so?,“ Dan answered sounding a bit unsure. “We haven’t talked about that yet, but I’d like it if we were.“


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back. Thanks for all your lovely comments on the last chapter, I'm glad to hear you all liked it. Here's another 3.6k words, because apparently this fic like never ends. Hope you enjoy. :) x

Dan hadn’t felt physical affection in so long that every little touch made his heart flutter from nerves and excitement. Whatever it was between them, Phil handled it with care and respect and he kept his word and let Dan choose the speed, and sometimes they would walk down a street and hold hands, or sometimes they would just cuddle up on the couch. Dan would rest his head on Phil’s chest and listen to the steady beat of his heart, the sound calming him down. And Phil’s hand would caress his back, and in moments like that he felt more at peace with himself and the world than he thought he’d ever feel again only months ago.

There was something special about short stolen kisses in the morning, when there was still sleep in the corners of Dan’s eyes and neither of them dared to breathe too close to the other’s face because of morning breath, when Phil’s hair was ruffled from sleep and he was still wearing glasses and pyjamas. They were the first thing on Dan’s mind when waking up and made it easier to get out of bed.

There was something calming about the way Phil would sometimes rest a hand on Dan’s shoulder in comfort when the younger man was hunched over the table, studying for exams. He’d squeeze slightly and let the touch linger for a few seconds before ruffling Dan’s hair to rile him up and chuckling to himself as Dan tried to swat his hand away.

There was something magical in the way Dan felt when Phil referred to him as his boyfriend, warmth blooming in his chest and a smile on his lips every time. The way Phil would look at him when using the word, as if making sure he had permission, with pride twinkling in his blue eyes that made Dan want to lean forward and kiss him again. 

There was something scary about the way Phil’s eyes would sometimes darken at a suggestive joke Dan made, about the way the atmosphere between them changed, and in one such moments Dan was reminded of the fact that he still didn’t know the rules of their relationship. They had been lying on the couch, their feet tangled together. Only the TV and some scented candles had lit up the room as they were watching ‘Star Wars: The Clone Wars’, and Dan, for no reason whatsoever, thought it would be funny to tell Phil that he would want Darth Vader to force choke him. He had laughed about it, but Phil had remained quiet and just shifted, and the smile on his face had seemed forced, and suddenly it seemed like Dan was choking on his laugh - how ironic - and regretted the words he said.

Phil’s entire posture had changed after that remark. He sat with a straight back all of a sudden and in the dim glow of the room Dan could make out how Phil’s jaw muscles were clenched. The smile on his lips was strained, and Dan swallowed nervously. They watched the rest of the episode in silence.

Later that night when they stood in the hallway in front of their rooms and shared a goodnight kiss, Phil’s hand on Dan’s cheek did not feel comforting like it usually did. Dan was hyperaware of how close Phil’s fingers were to his throat, how they could easily wrap around it, and a shiver wracked his entire body. He pulled back from the kiss, but Phil’s hand still lay on his cheek, and oh how he wished Phil would take it away. 

“I- I don’t want you to choke me.“

The words had come out without Dan wanting them to, and Phil started frowning, eyebrows knit together, and what if he was angry now because he wanted to choke Dan? The younger man couldn’t suppress the shudder rippling through his body, and the way something flickered in Phil’s eyes let him know that Phil noticed it as well. 

“Why would I want to choke you, Dan?“

“Because I said I would want Darth Vader to choke me but I was making a joke and you just- I just- you never told me the rules. If I shouldn’t have said that you should have told me, I’m sorry, I don’t know the rules.“

Finally the hand was gone from his cheek and Dan took a quick step back before it might grab for him again, but Phil remained exactly where he stood, just looked at Dan with confusion that made Dan even more uneasy. 

“What rules, Dan? What are you talking about?“

“The rules of our relationship. Of what I’m allowed to do and what not. What gets punished.“

Phil looked at him open-mouthed, but then suddenly realization flitted across his face and Dan let out a sigh of relief.

“You’re right, Dan, I should have told you the rules. I’m sorry I didn’t do that sooner. I’ll tell you tomorrow after work, okay? Go to bed now, it’s late already.“

Phil stepped forward and pressed another short gentle kiss against Dan’s lips. “Goodnight, love.“  
___

It was raining heavily when Phil stumbled through the entrance door into the hallway that led up to their apartment. He was almost completely soaked although he had an umbrella and the paper bag in his hand was also wet, but that was okay as long as the little black box in the bag was water-resistant and kept what it held inside dry. 

Phil unlocked the front door and entered their apartment, and immediately the delicious smell of food filled his nostrils, making him smile. 

“Did you cook?“ he shouted through the apartment after taking off his shoes and coat, and jumped up the few stairs into the hallway, the wet paper bag still in his hand. 

Noises were coming from the kitchen and Phil poked his head in, seeing Dan with an apron tied around his body standing in front of the oven and stirring with a wooden spoon. “You’re a bit late.“

“I’m sorry, I had to run an unexpected errand.“ Phil walked in and pressed a kiss against Dan’s cheek in greeting, liking the way that such a simple gesture still coloured Dan’s cheeks pink after weeks. 

“Get dressed in something more comfortable while I’ll set the table, dinner’s ready in ten minutes.“

“How’d I get so lucky?“ Phil asked and Dan simply stuck out his tongue in reply. 

Phil made his way to his room and exchanged his jeans for more comfortable pants. He was dreading the conversation he and Dan would be having after dinner, because it was simply a conversation he didn’t think he needed to have with Dan at all. But as good as their relationship had been so far, it seemed like Dan still had a problem distinguishing Phil from a dominant. He noticed the way Dan sometimes tensed after making a suggestive joke, how he would shift away from Phil and watch him with wary eyes, causing Phil to be more alert as well. 

And when he had told Phil that he didn’t want to be choked last night, because he had assumed that’s what Phil would do because Dan had made a joke about it - Phil just hoped that what he had planned would work out, and he cast another glance at the paper bag.

It was impressive how much progress Dan made while still being stuck at the same time. 

They still went to their self-defence class on Tuesday evenings, and had started to make a game out of what they learned there. At random, Phil would just grab Dan’s wrists or immobilize him in other ways, and Dan would just roll his eyes and free himself from Phil’s grip, not even flinching or freezing at the prospect of being held by the other man, and it was such a contrast to the way Dan had acted only weeks ago. Only one time had Phil made the mistake to sneak up on Dan from behind and taken him by surprise, and he had learned his lesson that day to never do that again. 

Dinner was delicious. Dan had obviously put a lot of effort into it, as he seemed to do with everything regarding their relationship to please Phil. It wasn’t hard to sense that he was nervous about the conversation that was to follow, as he ate slowly and always cast looks sideways at Phil, and Phil just hoped that it would go well, that Dan wouldn’t misunderstand Phil’s intentions. So after cleaning up, Phil asked Dan to go and wait for him at the dining table, and Dan swallowed nervously, his Adam’s apple bobbing, and followed Phil’s request.  
___

For weeks Dan had tried his hardest to play by the unknown rules of their relationship, always making sure that Phil was happy and content. Phil had never talked to him about punishment for doing things wrong, but then again Phil had never told him the rules either, and there were rules - there always were rules in BDSM, and that’s what their relationship was based on after all. Phil was the dominant, Dan the submissive, that’s what had caused them to meet in the first place. Dan was just thankful that Phil had agreed to take it slow with him, did not pressure him into things he didn’t want, wasn’t ready for, but he still had authority, and Dan was unable to forget his place whenever they kissed or held hands, waiting for the day Phil decided that it was time to slip into their respective roles. 

And from what it looked like, that day had finally arrived. Dan sat on a chair, sweating with nerves and clenching his fingers to fists to stop the trembling. It was his own fault to ask for the rules, but at the same time it put him at ease to know that finally he could stop walking around on tenterhooks, not knowing what was allowed or not. He knew that Phil liked eye contact and did not object when Dan disagreed with his opinions, but did he expect Dan to wear a collar? To kneel by his side and hand-feed him? Dan shuddered at memories that threatened to overwhelm him, and took a deep breath, willing those terrible thoughts away. 

This was Phil. Phil had a reputation for being a good dominant. Not once had he shown any sort of sign of wanting to degrade Dan to nothing more than a pet. Whatever was about to come, Dan was sure that it could not be half as bad as what he had experienced in his previous relationship.

Phil came into the lounge with a small black box in his hand and a few sheets of paper, and he laid the things down on the table and chose the chair closest to Dan, reaching out for the younger man’s hand and squeezing it gently.

Dan gave him a weak smile, eyeing the things on the table with trepidation. 

“What’s all that?“ he asked, and his voice cracked slightly with nerves.

“It’s the rules,“ Phil explained, and he sounded calming, and his thumb rubbed slow circles into the back of Dan’s hand, “It’s what you’ve been asking for, isn’t it?“

Nodding, Dan’s nervousness ratcheted up another notch. This was it. The thing he’s been waiting for all along. The rules of the game that would finally allow him to breathe more easily but at the same time restrict him to certain things to avoid punishment.

Dan really feared the punishment.

“You know, Dan, sometimes I feel like you still don’t understand our relationship entirely,“ Phil said casually, and Dan’s heartbeat spiked up. That didn’t sound good. It sounded bad bad bad. “And that’s probably because we’ve never properly talked about this before, and I admit that it is my fault, and that it’s something very important that I left out.“

The hand that was not holding Dan’s was now resting on the small black box and Phil slowly inched it closer to Dan, trying to hold eye contact with his boyfriend to no avail, because Dan stared at the box with wide eyes.

“We’re in a relationship, Dan, but we’re not in a BDSM relationship.“

It was like all the air got knocked out of Dan at once.

“And I have the feeling that it’s hard for you to understand that. There’s not going to be any punishment. I’m not just going to choke you because you made a joke about it. I want us to be boyfriends, nothing more and nothing less, and not dominant and submissive. And since it’s sometimes hard for you to tell the difference, I thought we’d need a symbolic sign for it.“

The box was now in front of Dan’s hands, neither of them being held by Phil’s anymore, and Phil nodded at him to open the box.   
 Dan did so with shaking fingers, not entirely sure where this conversation was headed, so different from what he had expected, and he carefully lifted the lid of the box to find a bracelet inside. It was thin and made out of leather, looked expensive, and Dan looked at it in awe, and let a fingertip glide over the smooth material experimentally.

“I don’t understand,“ he whispered as Phil did not offer further instructions. 

“I want this bracelet to be the symbol of our BDSM relationship. I want it to be locked away in this box until you’re ready to take it out and wear it, and if that day never comes then so be it. As long as you don’t wear it, we’re just Dan and Phil and we’re boyfriends. If you ever decide to slip it on, that relationship will change to dominant and submissive, but only for as long as you wear it. When you take the bracelet off again, we’re back to being normal boyfriends. No punishment. No choking. Just us two dating.“

Dan stared at Phil, his mouth slightly open, and without a warning there were tears in his eyes and he wasn’t even sure where they came from.

“Oh shit, Dan, did I say something wrong? We don’t have to use a bracelet, we don’t ever have to-“

“Why are you always so damn considerate?“ Dan asked and Phil froze in surprise, before a look of relief flooded his face as he saw Dan smile, finger again trailing over the leather bracelet. “I feel like I don’t even deserve you.“

Phil smiled at him and grabbed for his hand again, and Dan was quick to intertwine their fingers again.

“And should you really ever decide to put on the bracelet, I want you to fill this out first.“

Now the papers were shoved under Dan’s nose, and he looked at them in surprise. „An activity sheet?“

“There are all kinds of sexual things on there that I’d be willing to play out. You write down if you have experience in them, your willingness to do them and if there’s anything else you’d want me to know about it. And if you decide to slide on the bracelet for the first time, you’ll hand me that list and we’ll talk through it together.“

Dan swallowed and licked his lips as his eyes travelled over some of the things written down. Age play. Ball stretching. Being beaten softly or hard. Blindfolding. Breath control. Those were only a few of the things suggested on the first out of three pages of the list, and they all made Dan shiver in one way or another.

“As I said, you don’t need to pay any attention to this until you’re ready to become a submissive again,“ Phil reminded him gently before adding softly, “and if that day never comes, then that’s okay as well.“

“Thank you,“ Dan said quietly and Phil nodded, understanding the depth of those two words..   
____

Dan tensed, every muscle in his body going rigid at the weight of the body on top of his, settling down above him, and it was hard to move when you were pressed face down into the sofa with so much weight on top, and half of his face was pressed into the pillow and he couldn’t really see, and as fingertips softly danced across the scarred skin on his shirtless back, he violently flinched and his breath hitched, and his entire body trembled.

“Dan, it’s okay. It’s just me,“ Phil tried to remind him gently. “Come on, love, open your eyes. There’s nothing to be afraid of.“

A finger trailed over his cheek and his eyes snapped open, and he saw the mirror that they had positioned in front of them in the living room, the mirror that Phil had carried all the way from his room and set up in the lounge to make sure that Dan could see, and he noticed the concerned look on Phil’s face, who was very much settled down on his bum, one hand still on Dan’s cheek, caressing it, and the other settled on Dan’s shoulder blade.

“Sorry,“ Dan whispered, not daring to speak louder in fear of his voice breaking, and Phil assured him that it was okay, that there was nothing to apologize for.

“But you need to relax, or otherwise I can’t give you a massage.“

And oh, now suddenly Dan remembered why he was in this vulnerable position again, and he tried to blink away the tears that had formed in his eyes and to take a deep breath, which was hard as he was laying on his stomach.

A massage. Phil was giving him a massage. After Dan had complained about having a headache from being tense. And now Phil was straddling Dan, and his fingers were trailing along the patterns of Dan’s scars, and Dan wasn’t even sure why he had thought agreeing to a massage would be a good idea, why he had thought he’d need to push the boundaries and suggest for Phil to be on top of him when he couldn’t even see him.

And Phil had agreed to it, although reluctantly, because Phil knew how sensitive Dan was to not seeing a potential threat, and yet he had agreed, had carried the god damn mirror from his room into the lounge so Dan could see Phil while he was on top of him, and why was Dan acting like such a wimp right now?

“Stop overthinking things,“ Phil spoke softly, and Dan grumbled, not daring to close his eyes for longer than a blink to always be able to watch.

“You’re tracing my scars,“ Dan mumbled to try and distract himself, but his heart was still beating rapidly. “They’re ugly.“

“They are a part of you and I think they’re beautiful,“ Phil countered, and then he bent down and placed a kiss on the scars left from a whip on Dan’s shoulders, not daring to move his mouth or his hands lower than Dan’s shoulder blades, and Dan shuddered, because the memories of the pain inflicted to leave such scars behind were still fresh in his mind, and yet feeling that soft touch of lips on his skin made it tingle where they found contact, in a way that Dan hated to admit felt good. 

Then Phil’s lips left his skin and the absence of them was replaced by his hands, fingers softly kneading Dan’s tense muscles, and to both of their surprise, Dan let out a small moan of pleasure, before shutting his mouth and blushing, Phil watching in fascination as the red colour also spread over the back of his neck. 

“Does it feel good?“ Phil asked cheekily and continued what he was doing, feeling the knots in Dan’s muscles slowly disappear under his touch.

Dan didn’t answer, just kept stoically looking at the mirror as Phil continued to massage him. Phil didn’t even notice at first when Dan’s breathing evened out and his eyelids fluttered shut, but as he noticed that the younger man had actually fallen asleep below him, he was stunned. 

He tried to get off Dan without disturbing the sleeping man, and just watched for a few minutes, trying to wrap his head around the fact that Dan, who was not at all comfortable with having someone on top of him or sneak up from behind, had fallen asleep while he was lying under Phil. 

They had accomplished much on their road already, but this moment right now was probably one of the biggest so far, because it showed Phil just what a long way Dan had come already and how much trust he had in Phil. 

When Dan woke up from a nightmare about an hour later, Phil was quick to assure him that he was safe and hold him while he trembled with tears running down his cheeks, shushing him and promising that nothing would happen. He led him to Dan’s room after that and pressed a quick kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek, tasting the salt of the tears, and watched from the doorway as his boyfriend wrapped himself up in a blanket on his bed, before closing the door and leaving him alone, because sometimes Dan needed to be held after nightmares and sometimes he just needed space, and Phil was willing to give him both.

Sure there were still setbacks and panic attacks, but remembering how far Dan had come already gave Phil the feeling that in the end, the two of them could be alright.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, yes, I'm terrible at updating lately I know, sorry, but another round of exams is around the corner (geez, didn't we have this same conversation in January? Where did time go?) so excuse the fact that it might take a little longer to post new chapters. Thank you so much for your lovely comments guys, they really mean a lot to me. Hope you enjoy this new chapter. :) x

They’ve had a relaxed night filled with games at PJ’s with some friends. There had been some good-natured teasing about how they always sat a tad closer to each other than necessary, but Dan wasn’t bothered by it. Things between Phil and him were good. They were absolutely amazing. 

Sitting in the back of a taxi that smelled like stale alcohol, Dan’s side was pressed against Phil’s and his head resting on the older man’s shoulder. He was tired and was just listening to Phil talking about an upcoming project at the BBC that would force his boyfriend to work longer hours. 

“’s not nice,“ Dan mumbled, the fabric of Phil’s shirt rubbing against his cheek as he spoke, his words slurred. He’d had a few beers at PJ’s and the pleasant buzz of being drunk was running through his veins, making his body tingle. 

With his eyes closed he inhaled deeply, Phil’s smell intoxicating his senses and overshadowing the less than pleasant odour of the cab, and he liked the way that Phil’s arm was draped around his shoulder. 

“I don’t like it either,“ Phil confessed quietly and pressed a kiss to the top of Dan’s head, brown hair tickling his nose. The taxi driver stared at them through the rear-view mirror and Phil glared back at him challengingly. 

Upon arriving at their flat they still kept close to each other, and they didn’t separate either when they were in the bathroom, Dan playfully bumping his hips against Phil’s as they were brushing their teeth. And when they were stood in front of their rooms, both tired and ready for a good night’s sleep, the younger man still clung on to Phil, not willing to let go of him even after they’d had their kiss goodnight that tasted like peppermint toothpaste.

“Don’t want to let you go,“ Dan murmured as Phil gently tried to pry his arms off, but Dan was having none of it. He only held on tighter. “Want to cuddle.“

“We can cuddle tomorrow,“ Phil tried, but Dan shook his head stubbornly.

“Want to cuddle with you tonight.“

“Dan, no. I’m not going to let you make that decision when you’ve been drinking.“

Although they liked to spend their time cuddling on the couch while watching TV and occasionally fell asleep when doing so, they still hadn’t shared a bed yet, let alone been in each other’s rooms really. Phil would be damned if he let Dan make the choice to change that while he was drunk.

The younger man whined pitifully, but he let go of Phil and took a step back, a pout on his lips. Phil wanted to do nothing more than take Dan’s hand and lead him to either of their beds and have Dan’s head rest on his chest while his arms were wrapped around him when falling asleep, but instead he stepped forward and connected their lips for one more sweet kiss. 

“Sleep tight, love.“  
____

When Phil woke up, his room was already brightly illuminated by rays of sunshine, and a look at the clock told him that it was almost noon. He’d had a nice dream, one of those that made him want to close his eyes and immediately go back to where it had stopped, but he didn’t want to spend his entire Saturday in bed and his cock was half hard and asking to be tended to. So what if his nice dream hadn’t been all that innocent and featured a certain brunette that Phil liked to call his boyfriend?

Phil sneaked his right hand under the elastic of his pyjama trousers and wrapped it around his shaft. Sexual dreams were quite common for him these days, ever since he stopped going to the Dungeon. It was taking him time to adjust from getting sexual pleasure from others at least once a week to getting no sexual pleasure at all from anyone but his own hand, and maybe the dreams were a way of Phil’s subconsciousness trying to deal with that loss. 

He started stroking himself at a slow pace, bringing his cock to full hardness, and closed his eyes. Flashes of his dream immediately danced behind his closed eyelids, Dan on his knees, his alluring lips stretched around Phil’s dick, eagerly sucking on it as Phil’s fingers threaded through brown hair and held on to it tightly, pushing Dan further down on his cock until his nose was pressed against Phil’s groin, making Dan squirm and tears sting in his eyes as he tried to fit Phil’s entire length without choking. 

Stroking himself faster now, Phil imagined the way Dan would circle his tongue around the tip of Phil’s penis, one hand stroking his shaft and the other massaging his balls, and how he would look up at Phil in fake innocence and ask him to come on his face. He’d open his mouth and stick out his tongue, and Phil would orgasm, his cum painting Dan’s cheek and catch on the eyelashes of his right eye, and Dan would lap his tongue over Phil’s tip and catch the last droplets in his mouth, show them to Phil like the good boy he was before swallowing them. Phil came with a groan, the image of Dan with cum on his face in his mind as he did so.

With a sigh, Phil wriggled his pants down his hips once his heavy breathing had slowed down again and reached for the box of tissues on his nightstand. He cleaned up the cum pooling on his groin and his fingers and threw the used tissues on the floor, the feeling of guilt already building up in his chest just like every other time he masturbated with Dan on his mind. He couldn’t decide whether it was wrong to have sexual fantasies of Dan or not, given his boyfriend’s horrible past. 

Once Phil’s heart had slowed down, he pulled up his pants again and got out of bed. As soon as he opened the door to the hallway, a delicious smell filled his nostrils, and padding into the kitchen barefoot, he found Dan there along with a stack of fresh waffles on a plate, pouring batter from a glass bowl into the waffle iron. 

“Good morning, sleepy head,“ Dan greeted him with a smile. There was a smudge of flour on his left cheek, and Phil had to look away to forget the mental image that his mind immediately reproduced, substituting the flour for something else entirely.  
___

They had decided on chicken curry for dinner, which was why Dan had gone out to buy chicken breasts while Phil had offered to start cutting the vegetables. The sun was already setting outside - so maybe they had decided on a late dinner - and Dan had left with a ‘be right back’, headphones on and music loud enough for him not to hear Phil’s answer anymore.

That had been forty minutes ago. 

A normal trip to the closest supermarket and back didn’t usually take more than twenty minutes. After thirty minutes, Phil had tried calling Dan’s phone, but his boyfriend hadn’t picked up. After thirty-five minutes, he was nervously pacing the narrow kitchen, the vegetables long forgotten. After forty-two minutes and twelve seconds his phone rang, and he was relieved to see Dan’s name along with his face flash up on his screen.

After forty-two minutes and fifteen seconds his heart stopped in his chest as a female voice asked if they were talking to Phil, and after forty-two minutes and forty seconds he was wearing his shoes and running down the street to the supermarket, from where a distressed cashier had called him. 

The normal time to get to the supermarket from their flat was about five minutes. Phil made it there in two. His chest was hurting as he was trying to breathe, and as soon as he stepped through the glass doors an older woman with black hair in a high ponytail approached him.

“Are you Phil?“ she asked hopefully, and Phil recognized her voice from the phone call. He nodded as he was still out of breath, and she didn’t hesitate to grab his hand and pull him along. “He’s in the back, we wanted to get him away from onlookers.“

They went through an aisle of shelves and to the back of the shop, and the woman led him through an ugly green door that was labelled with ‘Employees only’. The room behind it was lit too brightly and the air in it stuffy. Around a table stood a few chairs, two of them occupied, one by a distraught looking older tall man and the other by another cashier. 

“What’s going on?“ Phil asked, his eyes frantically searching the room for Dan but not spotting his boyfriend anywhere.

A hand was placed on his shoulder by the older woman that had brought him back here. “You better lower your voice, he seems very sensitive to loud noises at the moment. We brought him into the locker room,“ she pointed to one of the two other doors in the room. “We’re not entirely sure what happened.“

“He bumped into me and suddenly he started screaming,“ the man sat at the table said. He had dark blond hair that was in a ponytail and sharp cheekbones. “When I asked him if he was okay he fell to his knees and started talking weird stuff and his breathing sped up.“

Phil had a sinking feeling in his stomach as he slowly realised what this was all about. “And then he had a panic attack?“

“I’m sorry, I really d-“

“I need you to leave,“ Phil interrupted him. “And I don’t mean to be rude, but don’t go near him. When I bring him outside, you need to be gone.“

Without further explanation, Phil entered the room the cashier had said Dan was in, and he wanted to throw up as he spotted his boyfriend. Pressed against the wall furthest away from the door in a room that smelled like sweat, curled into a ball and his entire body shivering, Dan looked like he was falling apart. 

Phil approached slowly, crouched down to not loom over the trembling form.

“Dan?“ he asked quietly. 

His boyfriend’s face was hidden behind his knees, but he saw the way Dan’s shoulder blades were twitching as he said his name. 

“You’re okay, Dan.“ Phil continued to talk quietly as he stepped closer, almost crawling on the floor on his knees now. 

He wasn’t far away now, close enough to hear Dan’s breath hitch, and he reached out his hand and carefully rested it on his boyfriend’s shoulder. A blood-curling scream filled the room, followed by pleading words.

“No, no please don’t. No, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’ll be good please no.“

It was hard to make out the words between the sobs, and Dan pressed himself against the wall as if he hoped for it to swallow him up, and he tried to shake off Phil’s hand, but Phil did not let go.

“Dan, it’s okay, you’re okay. It’s me, it’s Phil, you’re safe now. You’re safe.“

He tried to cup Dan’s cheeks in his hands, and it hurt him to have to be forceful with Dan, but he knew there was no other way of getting through to his boyfriend at the moment then make him see that he was in no danger.

“Hey, Dan, look at me. Look at me. It’s me, Phil, you’re safe. It’s okay.“

Dan thrashed in his hold, his eyes pressed together tightly, refusing to listen to a word Phil said. Unsure how to calm his boyfriend down, Phil knelt in front of him on a dirty tiled floor and rubbed his thumbs over Dan’s tear-stained cheeks, whispering soft words that got drowned in harsh screams, repeated again and again that it was him, that Dan was safe.

The realisation came slowly. First Dan was desperate to escape the kind touch, but the fighting lessened as if he had given up, and then his eyelids fluttered open and he just looked at Phil. Dan looked at him as if he was looking at a stranger, but then the fear in his brown eyes changed to hope, and the hands that had tried to push Phil away suddenly clung on to his shirt.

“He’s back, Phil, he’s back, he’s trying to get me again, please, you need to help me. I need your help.“

And the words sounded so full of a different fear now, as if Dan expected Phil to throw him to the sharks any second, and the tears stung in Phil’s eyes as he carefully pulled Dan closer into a gentle hug.

“He’s trying to get me, he came back to get me again.“

“You’re safe Dan, I promise. I’ll protect you. He won’t get to you, because he has to get through me first. I promise.“

They sat on the floor of a changing room in a supermarket for a long time, Dan clinging to Phil with desperate fear, pleading for protection, and Phil holding Dan tightly, promising him that no one would hurt Dan ever again. Phil doubted that Dan was even listening to him at the moment, too lost in his head to really grasp the situation.

Getting Dan home took a long time. Coaxing him out of the changing room was a challenge on it’s own, and Phil was relieved to see that the man that had caused Dan’s panic attack had done as Phil had instructed and left, along with the shop assistant that had sat at the table with him. The woman who had called Phil was waiting there and asking if Dan was okay now when they finally exited the room, Dan leaning more on Phil than standing on his own shaky knees. Phil nodded when really he just wanted to shake his head, because obviously Dan was not okay.  
___

Dan was in bed now. Phil had offered him company for the night, knowing that the younger man would probably suffer from nightmares, but Dan had refused and slammed the door to his room shut in front of Phil’s face without giving him a kiss goodnight. 

Although Phil was tired, he didn’t think that he’d be able to fall asleep, so he sat on his bed and read a book. It wasn’t as if he could concentrate on any of the letters printed on the paper though. He read a few pages but realised that he couldn’t recall any of the things he had just read. His mind was constantly with Dan and it was impossible for him to forget the look of utter terror that had been on his boyfriend’s face when he had thought that his kidnapper had come back for him, the way he had fought and then gone slack as if he had given up, ready for whatever was to come. The entire situation had left Phil anxious enough to call PJ to have him call Dan’s mother to make sure that the asshole was still in prison. It had never occurred to him that someone having similar features to Dan’s kidnapper could be a trigger, and he wondered that if Dan’s kidnapper had looked anything like Phil if Dan would have moved in with him in the first place. Frustrated by the world and the unfairness of it all, Phil closed his book, not even bothering to put the bookmark back in, and opted to just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

With a start he sat up when the door to his room was opened, and he was surprised when he saw Dan peeking through the crack before daring to open the door a tiny bit wider. 

“Is everything okay?“ Phil asked, concerned, and his heart broke for the second time that night as he saw the fresh trails of tears glistening on Dan’s cheeks and red blotches on his face from crying.

“Please, I don’t want to be alone.“ The confession was spoken quietly, almost as if Dan was afraid to admit it. His eyes darted nervously around Phil’s room and lingered on Phil’s walk-in closet a second too long, and memories of an incident long overcome came to the forefront of Phil’s mind of Dan cowering behind his clothes and quaking in fear as Phil had loomed over him in anger. 

“Do you want to sleep here tonight?“ Phil asked carefully, but the way Dan’s eyes widened at the offer told Phil that Dan wanted anything but to lie in his bed. “Or would you rather I came to your room?“ Again Dan looked distressed at the thought, and Phil was quick to intervene as an idea formed in his head, “But we don’t have to do that either. Let’s go to the lounge, okay? Can you bring your duvet and pillows?“

Phil gathered the pillows and duvet from his bed as well and carried them to the lounge. He brought even more from the closet in the office and several bedsheets. He asked for Dan to place his beddings on the floor under their dining table and his heart filled with warmth as he saw that between the white and black coloured bedding the plush panda bear sat that he had bought Dan at the zoo. 

“What are you doing?“ Dan asked quietly, voice hoarse from crying, as he watched Phil from the couch.

“I’m building us a fort.“

“A fort?“ Dan echoed the words in slight disbelief.

It only took a few minutes for the fort to be ready. Phil used their dining table as a ceiling and the chairs around it as walls that he covered with linen. Dan’s and his pillows and duvets and the panda bear lay under it, and a space between two chairs was the only entrance.

Dan watched as Phil crawled inside on his hands and knees before calling after him to follow.

“You just built a fort,“ Dan said, sounding dazed. 

“This way we can sleep close to each other without sharing an actual bed.“

Phil was already lying under his blanket and smiling at Dan, who still was on his knees, looking around the narrow space in awe. It was small but comforting, and the lights still on in the lounge only filled it with a soft glow on the inside. Dan shuffled under his own blanket and rested his head on a pillow facing Phil, who was lying on his back. There was enough distance between them not to accidentally touch if they really fell asleep right now, and that thought gave Dan comfort.

Dan swallowed and wet his dry lips. There was something about this space that made him feel isolated from the rest of the world in a good way, like anything he said in this fort would stay inside. He was tired but didn’t think that he could fall asleep now, and he was surprised with himself as the next words slipped out of his lips: “He kept my hands tied up behind my back for the entire time.“

There was some shuffling and then Phil was facing Dan as well, and his blue eyes were sparkling in anger. For once Dan wasn’t scared though. He knew the anger wasn’t directed at him.

“I had to go to physical therapy. Sometimes my shoulder still hurts, but the doctors said those are probably just phantom pains.“

“I’m good at massages,“ Phil whispered and Dan smiled into his pillow despite the memories replaying in his mind. 

“I know that.“

And Dan reached out, because one of Phil’s arms was not tucked under the blanket, his palm turned up as an open invitation with no pressure attached, and laced their fingers together. They fell asleep like that.  
____

The next night, Dan took Phil by the hand and pulled him into his room after they’ve already shared a goodnight kiss. It was a spur of the moment idea, and the second Phil stood in his room with surprise written all over his face, he asked himself if he had made a mistake. But then Phil wanted to know if Dan was sure, and he gently squeezed Dan’s fingers, and Dan knew that the answer to his question was yes. That did not change the fact though that his heart was hammering against his ribcage as if trying to escape when they lay facing each other. 

Phil had grabbed his bedding from his room, and although Dan’s bed was big and there was space between their bodies, Dan had the feeling that they were still too close. What made it even scarier was that tonight, unlike the previous night in the fort, they were lying in complete darkness.

“You know you just have to say the word and I’ll leave,“ Phil whispered into the dark of the night, sensing the discomfort of his boyfriend. “You just say the word and I’ll be gone, and I’m not going to get mad.“

“No,“ Dan squeaked out. He’s come this far already. They were already sharing a bed. Oh god, they were sharing a bed. “I want you to stay.“

Phil just hummed in acknowledgement and then Dan could hear him shuffle around, and every last muscle in his body tensed because he couldn’t see what Phil was doing and that put him on edge. A hand suddenly touched his blanket-covered arm and Dan whimpered, pulling away from the touch.

“Hey, Dan, it’s okay.“ 

But it wasn’t okay, Dan wasn’t okay. The darkness was scary and having Phil lying on his bed was scary and Dan shuffled backwards, and suddenly there wasn’t a bed anymore and he fell, and with a thud he crashed to the floor and whined because it hurt, and Phil winced at the sound in sympathy and leaned over to turn the light on the nightstand on. 

Concerned blue eyes gazed down at him from over the mattress and Dan was almost ashamed to meet them. He sat up and pulled his knees against his chest, wrapped his arms around them protectively. Phil slid down from the mattress onto the floor as well and sat crosslegged in front of Dan. It was easy for the younger man to see that Phil was searching for the right words but not sure what to say. 

“Sometimes he’d blindfold me for ages. He enjoyed when I wasn’t able to see him coming.“

Dan’s bottom lip wobbled and he tried to blink the tears away that stung in his eyes. “It was his favourite game, really, blindfolding me and watching how I squirmed whenever he made a noise.“

Phil didn’t say a word, but he held out his hand as invitation, and Dan clutched on to it as if his life depended on it. He took a choked breath, before continuing: “And for the entire time I was forced to eat and drink out of his hands. I had to eat from the hands of the man who drugged me and if I refused I was punished. I was punished for everything. And sometimes I thought that this was it, that I was really going to die there. The whip was bad enough, but occasionally he’d hold my head under water and I thought I’d have to drown. The worst though was when he wanted me to suck his dick or fucked me, and how he wanted me to come. And if I didn’t, then he’d make me three times in a row, and it hurt, it hurt so fucking bad. And then sometimes he’d kiss me and tell me that if I learned, I could be his good pet. That I’d be nothing without him. But I didn’t want to be his good pet. I’d rather be a nothing than his anything.“

Dan’s entire body trembled, and the tears he had tried to hold in so desperately were now running over his cheeks like waterfalls, and he was clutching Phil’s fingers so hard that it must have hurt the older man but he didn’t say a thing. Instead he sat and he listened, and he rubbed his thumb comfortingly over the back of Dan’s hand when his voice started to break and he had to take a breath before continuing to talk. When he finally looked up from his knees, he was surprised to find tears shimmering in Phil’s blue eyes as well.

With a frown on his face he asked: “Why are you crying?“

Phil chuckled, but it sounded sad in contrast to the cheerful way he’d often laugh with his tongue poking out between his teeth. “It’s just-,“ and he closed his eyes and shook his head, as if he didn’t know how to find the words to say what he was thinking. “Whenever I’m near you I remember that you went through something horrible, but I never really knew the details, you know? I never knew how bad it really was. And hearing that, it just makes me so angry.“

“So whenever you see me you remember I’m broken?“

“No, Dan,“ Phil whispered, and he cupped Dan’s cheek and leaned forward, and he kissed the tears away before resting his forehead against Dan’s, “I remember that you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.“

Dan swallowed. “I’m not brave. I’m afraid of spiders.“

“I think you are. And I’m always going to be there to get rid of them for you if you need me to. Do you want me to leave?“

Before he could even stop himself, Dan’s hands clutched onto Phil’s shirt and held him close. “No.“

“I can sleep on the floor if you want to?“

Dan vehemently shook his head, and that’s why they found themselves in bed again, the lamp on the nightstand still turned on. 

“Can you- would you lie on your back please and keep really still?“ Dan asked cautiously and Phil complied, shifting around and watching Dan with curiosity.

Working up the courage for what he had planned wasn’t easy, but finally Dan inched closer until he was under Phil’s blanket instead of his own, and his hand jittered as he lay it on Phil’s shirt-clad chest, and then he carefully placed his head on Phil’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, Phil unmoving except for his rising and falling chest, and Dan’s entire body wracked with shivers.

“Is it okay if I wrap my arm around your shoulder?“ Phil asked quietly. “You can always say no if you don’t want that.“

“Yes,“ came Dan’s meek reply, and then Phil shifted under him, but this time the light was on and Dan could see, and that made it less scary. He could feel Phil’s arm on his shoulder now, and his fingers caressing the skin of Dan’s arm, and then he turned his head and pressed his lips against Dan’s forehead. 

“Try to sleep now. I’ll keep you safe.“

And he kept his promise.

Phil made pancakes the next day for breakfast and when he came home from work he did so with a night light, “because it’s safer than leaving a bedside lamp turned on the entire night.“ Sharing a bed became a regularity after that, always in Dan’s room, and Phil would hold him but never too tight, and sometimes Dan would have his head rest on Phil’s chest that made him hear his boyfriend’s heartbeat, and it was a sound so beautiful that it always lulled him to sleep fast.  
___

They were sitting on the couch and watching a movie, tightly wrapped around each other. The popcorn bowl was already empty and the movie would end soon, and both felt a bit drowsy as it was late already. It was a horror movie, one of those that were so cliché they made you want to roll your eyes, with blood splashing everywhere and a couple that had sex while the killer was already inside the house, killing them both while they were still naked. It was so ridiculous that it wasn’t even scary, and Dan and Phil spent more time talking to each other than watching the actual movie.  
 The movie did grab Dan’s attention though during the sex scene, and he gnawed on his bottom lip as he watched the scene that was worse than some of the porn he had seen when he had been a teenager and got turned on by anything and everything. And he had seen some absolutely terrible porn. 

For the rest of the movie Dan drifted off into his own mind. Phil didn’t seem to notice, laughing and making sarcastic remarks about the film that Dan chuckled over but didn’t really answer. The idea of being intimate with Phil had been in his head for a while already. After all they’d been dating for weeks now, and Phil made him feel safe, and Dan sometimes wondered what it would be like to be with Phil. He wasn’t ready for sex, that much he knew, and hell he wasn’t even sure if he’d be able to give Phil a blowjob. He shuddered at that thought and Phil asked if he was okay. Dan nodded and Phil looked away again to watch the movie.

He didn’t even know when he had first thought about it, about actually maybe becoming intimate with Phil. It was soon after Phil had given him the bracelet, but when exactly Dan couldn’t pinpoint. All he knew was that he felt mostly safe with Phil. Phil hadn’t hurt him. Phil was gentle and caring and made sure that Dan was always comfortable, and he always listened when Dan said no. On the rare occasions that Dan masturbated these days, when his mind was in a happy place and he did not fear flashbacks, he’d close his eyes and imagine what it would be like if it wasn’t his hand. What if it was Phil’s instead? What if Phil would pepper gentle kisses on his collarbone and suck marks into his skin? Would he be rough or as gentle as he always was with Dan?

Squirming slightly, Dan was horrified to realise that his cock was not entirely soft anymore. So close to Phil. If Phil would bump his elbow into Dan’s groin accidentally, he’d notice. If Phil only looked at Dan’s groin, he’d notice. 

Dan started to tremble slightly, small jitters running through his body, the hair on his arms rising. Phil was so close. Phil was so so close. He could notice. What if he noticed?

He didn’t even realise at first that Phil paused the movie, that the lounge was probably filled with silence instead of fake screams from terrible actors. 

“Dan?“

His eyes snapped to Phil’s before he quickly looked away, and he moved his arms and tried to rest his hands on his groin as inconspicuously as possible. His hands were shaking. He could see that little frown on Phil’s forehead that appeared whenever he tried to figure things out. 

“Dan, what’s wrong?“

“Nothing,“ Dan said, but it sounded more like a squeak, and the way Phil looked at him let he know that Phil didn’t believe it.

“Is the movie too much?“ Always so concerned. Always so considerate. 

“No,“ Dan answered, because he needed this movie to draw Phil’s attention away from his little problem.

“Then what’s going on?“ Phil asked, and he reached out for Dan’s hands to hold them, like he usually did to offer comfort. Dan’s hands which were very much hiding his half-hard penis.

He wrapped his fingers around Dan’s and gave them a gentle squeeze, and suddenly Dan felt as if all the air was punched out of his lungs. Phil’s fingers grazing his penis over the thin material of his underwear and the jogging pants he was wearing, and he watched as Phil’s concerned face turned into confusion turned into surprise, and Dan turned his head away to not have to see. 

He knew that Phil had figured out what was going on. He knew by the look on Phil’s face and by the way his fingers were suddenly not tightly around Dan’s anymore, and by the small sound that left Phil’s lips.

“Oh.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll publish a Timestamp accompanying this chapter on June 18th, so look out for that [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5851930/chapters/13488358). :)


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, how are you all doing? Thank you so much for the lovely comments on the last chapter, I really appreciated them. Here's a new one for you. It's a bit on the short end, but holidays are here soon and I'll have more time writing again. :D Hope you enjoy. :) x

“Oh.“

A soft sound that carried so much meaning. Phil knew. Phil knew that Dan was hard. Phil had felt it, and there was no way denying it, and somehow it felt like the room had started spinning, everything surrounding them was a blurry mess.

“Do you want me to help you with that?“ A suggestive tone. Phil’s pupils were blown wide, the blue in them devoured by black. 

And suddenly Phil’s palm was pressed against Dan’s jean-clad erection, and Dan flinched away from the touch with a shriek. 

“What are you doing?“ The words tumbled over his lips in a hurry as he tried to back away, but the touch didn’t disappear and Phil’s eyes didn’t hold comfort in them like usual but something cruel instead. 

“I’m just helping out my boyfriend.“

A squeeze of Phil’s hand around his cock made Dan scream and shoot up, and suddenly he wasn’t in the lounge anymore but in his bed, half covered by his blanket, the nightlight Phil had bought filling the room with a soft glow. 

Phil shifted next to him and blinked up at him drowsily from under a blanket, his black hair a ruffled mess and his voice rough from sleeping. 

“Are you okay?“

Dan looked at him wide-eyed, but the black in Phil’s eyes was gone and replaced by sleepy blue. 

“Yeah, yeah. Just- I just need to go to the toilet.“

Wrestling the blanket off, Dan quickly left the bed and stumbled out of the room, down the hallway, down the few stairs into the bathroom. He quickly shut the door behind himself and locked it, before sitting down on the floor and letting out a sigh. 

His dream had been reality a few hours previously, up to a certain point at least. But Phil had backed off, had withdrawn his hand as soon as he had noticed what was going on and had asked Dan if he was okay and if Phil should leave. After remembering how to breathe, Dan had asked in a weak voice if they could just finish the horror movie and not talk about it. Phil had agreed and had backed off, left more distance between the two of them then he normally would when they watched a movie, and Dan had been thankful for that. But just then, in his dream, Phil hadn’t backed off, and although Dan knew that it wasn’t real, that the real Phil acted differently in situations like that, the haunting image of his dream - or should he call it a nightmare instead? - was still the one that stuck in his mind. 

The worst thing about it all though was that Dan didn’t know what he wanted. Did he want Phil to back off? Did he want to do sexual things with Phil? He knew that he wouldn’t be the one initiating things, there was no way in hell. But if Phil was the one to take the first step- 

Dan cut off his thoughts, not daring to go there. No. He remembered a time when sex was a good thing, when being physically close to others was intimate and promised safety and wasn’t scary at all. But now only the thought of being touched, of another hand other than his own down there, brought memories of pain and fear and darkness and utter helplessness. He wasn’t ready for that.

What if he would never be ready for it again?

And yet sometimes he thought about what it would be like. How Phil’s hand would feel around his cock. If Phil would be gentle and loving or if the dominant side of his would shine through. If he would be able to hold Dan together while the younger man simultaneously fell apart under his touch. Dan never dared let his thoughts venture too deep into this terrain, but when he allowed himself to dream for a little while, a feeling of longing started to bloom in his chest, one of wishful thinking. 

Dan washed his face, washed the sweat of the nightmare away, and he took a deep breath before returning back into his room and slipping under his blanket. Phil immediately shifted next to him when sensing the return of his presence, and Dan tensed as an arm draped itself over his chest and weakly tried to pull him closer. A sigh of content could be heard from Phil, but other than that he was still fast asleep. Dan didn’t dare close his eyes anymore, not willing to let the nightmares return again.  
___

They were at a pub. It was crowded but surprisingly not too loud, and Dan didn’t feel at ease at all. PJ and his girlfriend were with them, and the reason they were there in the first place was to meet up with friends of Phil from Manchester who were in London for the weekend. Dan didn’t really like them to be honest. Call it jealousy, but the way they shared stories about their past and inside jokes that Dan couldn’t follow pissed him off. He wanted Phil’s attention on himself, but other than occasionally smiling at Dan and caressing his arm, Phil didn’t seem to pay much thought to him. At first PJ poked fun at Dan for it, but once he realised how much Dan was really bothered by Phil completely ignoring him he stopped and tried to take his mind off things instead, without much success. 

“We’re going to the bar to get drinks, do you want something?“ Phil asked. Dan, PJ and his girlfriend shook their heads, their glasses only half empty. When Dan, however, saw that it was Paul who followed Phil to the bar to get more drinks, he quickly changed his mind. That guy had irked him the second Dan had laid eyes on him. His smile seemed insincere. The way he latched onto Phil’s side made Dan want to bare his teeth at him like a dog guarding his bone. 

“You know what? I think I changed my mind. I need a shot.“

PJ raised his eyebrows as if saying he knew exactly what - or who - had made Dan change his mind, and he shook his head slightly to let Dan know that he thought this was a bad idea, but Dan didn’t care. He didn’t like that Paul guy, and he didn’t like Phil being on his own with him. The way he had looked at Dan, as if looking down at him like a tiny ant that he was ready to squash - no way in hell was Dan willing to give him the chance to interact with Phil on his own. 

So Dan made his way to the bar, trying to avoid bumping into people, though it was impossible not to in the crowd. He could already see Phil’s and Paul’s backs. They were leaning too close together for his liking. Talking to each other. He took another step closer. He could hear their voices already, although he was still too far away to make out words. Another step closer. They hadn’t noticed him yet. 

“I honestly can’t believe you don’t dom that guy.“

Dan froze. 

“It’s complicated.“

His hands started shaking.

“You were honestly one of the best. Don’t you miss it?“

His heart was beating too fast in his chest. 

“Of course I miss it. But I can’t change how it is right now.“

“I never thought you’d give up BDSM for a fucking relationship. What’s so amazing about that guy to make you stop doing what you enjoyed most?“

Dan unconsciously stopped breathing. Every muscle in his body was taut as he waited, waited for an answer from Phil, waited waited waited. 

“Here are your drinks, guys.“ A waitress he hadn’t noticed before handed them the pints over the bar.

And then Phil shrugged. And Dan remembered how to breathe again, turned around and walked back to PJ before Phil could spot him. He blinked, blinked several times, rolled his eyes up to fight against the sting of tears, and smiled a close-lipped smile when PJ looked at him questioningly.

“What’s wrong?“ he asked and now PJ’s girlfriend picked up on it too, and she laid a hand on his arm and asked if he was alright, but Dan just carefully brushed her off.

“I’m not feeling so good,“ Dan muttered, which frankly was an understatement. 

“Do you want me to get Phil?“

“No.“

“Do you want to leave?“

“Please.“

PJ nodded, and he wrapped an arm around Dan’s shoulders and asked his girlfriend to tell Phil they were leaving early because Dan felt sick - and it wasn’t even a lie, because really, Dan did feel kind of sick to his stomach - and led him outside.

“What happened?“ he asked the second they stepped outside the pub, but Dan just shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about it. He just wanted to get away. From the pub. From Paul. From Phil. From the words repeating over and over again in his head, from the thoughts that followed straight after them. He wasn’t enough. He wasn’t what Phil wanted. He wasn’t what Phil deserved. And the worst thing about it was that he had known it all along, had known from the start that Phil deserved more, deserved better, deserved someone that could give him what he wanted. Dan used to be that person, but he wasn’t that person anymore. He might never be that person ever again. 

Dan stayed at PJ’s flat that night, hogged his couch just like he had done before he moved in with Phil. He turned off his phone after Phil had tried to call him several times, and when PJ sat down on the floor next to the couch with a ‘we need to talk’ expression on his face, Dan just turned his back to him and closed his eyes, drowned out his best friend’s worried inquiries. He didn’t want to talk right now. He felt like there was a black hole in his chest, sucking every emotion in and making him feel nothing but pain, pain so different from the physical one he had learned to endure so long ago. And this one - on a certain level, this one was almost as bad.  
___

“Your boyfriend’s not so great after all, ditching you without even saying goodbye,“ Paul remarked, and Phil had the urge to roll his eyes. It had been over an hour since Dan had left, PJ’s girlfriend telling Phil that he had not felt that good all of a sudden. Phil had immediately understood what that meant. Something wasn’t right, something had bothered Dan. Maybe something had even triggered him into a panic attack, which would have explained Dan’s fast disappearance even more. He felt guilty for not leaving to make sure that Dan was okay, but he rarely saw his friends from Manchester and he knew that Dan was in great hands when he was with PJ, so he tried to stop worrying and enjoy his night instead. 

Except that didn’t work out.

Even if he managed to forget for one minute that Dan was not there with him right then, Paul brought him up again. Reminded his group of old friends that Dan had just gone home without a word to say goodbye. And honestly, Phil was sick of it. The sketchy questions, the way he tried to badmouth Dan in front of him and his friends. Phil knew that Paul used to fancy him, they’ve scened together several times and Paul had always pushed for more that Phil had just not been ready to give, but acting this childishly now because Phil had found someone else, over a year after they had last been in a scene together, was really grating on his nerves. 

“Seriously, Paul, shut it.“

All eyes were on Phil all of a sudden as the mumbled conversations between friends died down. “If you have a problem with Dan, get over it. I love him and he makes me happy, so stop trying to make him look like a bad person. I know he has his reasons for disappearing quickly, and it’s not something for you to drag through the mud. So shut up, and if I hear one more negative word from you, don’t talk to me ever again.“

There was awkward silence at the table and Paul stared at Phil wide-eyed, before one of their friends started chuckling, followed by others. 

“Damn, Phil, I never thought I’d see you being so smitten with someone.“

And Phil hated to admit it, but those words made a small blush spread over his cheeks. Thankfully the light in the pub was dim enough for the others to not catch on, but his friend was right. Phil really was smitten with Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has come to my attention that someone published this story on Wattpad up until chapter 26, word for word. Please stop, or I'm going to be the one that stops publishing stuff online.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that we've agreed on the fact that plagiarizing is bad and that you shouldn't do it, here's a new chapter of TWT. Sorry it took me so long. I was busy being grumpy, writing other stuff and meeting my beta for this story in real life. I hope you've all had a good month, and thank you for the lovely comments. :) Hope you enjoy. x

When Dan returned home the next morning, Phil immediately noticed that something was still wrong. His boyfriend's hair was messy, he wore the same clothes from last night and his eyes were hollow. He greeted Phil with a mumbled "Good morning" before walking into his room and shutting the door behind himself. Hard.

Phil, a cup of coffee in his hands that was almost empty already, didn't really know what to make of that situation. He had no idea what exactly had happened last night for Dan to want to leave so fast and had assumed that it had been a panic attack. The way he had looked just now though, not skittish or anxious but simply subdued, didn't match the way Dan usually acted after panic attacks. And the way he had slammed the door let Phil assume that his boyfriend was not up for company right now. So Phil finished his coffee and texted PJ, hoping that their friend could tell him what was going on. PJ let him down though. He didn’t pick up his phone and an hour later Phil just decided to see for himself what was going on. 

He knocked on Dan’s door and opened it slowly after he didn’t receive an answer.

“Are you alright?“

Phil couldn’t see him at first, but then he spotted the lump under the blanket on Dan’s bed, only a foot sticking out, because Dan was simply too tall to hide away completely. 

“Hey, what’s going on? Can I come in?“

There was no answer, and Phil was at a loss for what to do. He knew that Dan still didn’t like when Phil entered his room without permission, but right now he felt the right thing to do was to ignore that. So he stepped in with a cautious “I’m coming in now“ as a warning as to not startle Dan, and sat down at the edge of the mattress, placing his palm on what he guessed to be Dan’s shoulder under the blanket.

“What’s wrong, love?“

The lump moved, and Phil guessed that Dan was shrugging his shoulders. 

“Do you want to talk about it?“

Another shrug and Phil wanted to sigh, but he kept it in.

“You know I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. Won’t you tell me what’s troubling you?“

“Was it all just a joke to you?“

The words were muffled, and Phil wasn’t sure if he had understood them correctly. What was Dan on about?

“Just taking in a broken guy and trying to fix him up, see how fast he can fall in love again - was that what it was all about? Because if yes, then congratulations, you won.“

“Dan?“

Dan sat up, his hair a ruffled mess, his eyes red and blotchy from crying and a flush on his neck. He snivelled and Phil thought to himself that he had never seen Dan this sad before, a look of heartbreak written all over his face. So many thoughts were racing through his head all at once. Someone had died. Someone was horribly sick. Something really bad must have happened, and Phil was already trying to find the right words to say without even knowing what was wrong. 

“Why are you even with me?“

What?

“What?“

And Phil knew that that had been the wrong answer judging by how Dan’s face now resembled thunderclouds, and he knew that lightning would strike soon.

“Was it all just a joke to you, this entire thing? Did you think it would be fun to bring home a broken submissive and fix him up, see how he does? All this time, was this all just an act? Because I thought you cared, and I thought you actually liked me.“

Dan was screaming now, the words booming through the room like thunder, fresh tears running down his face. Phil felt like he was watching a train wreck, and he didn’t want to see it but he couldn’t look away. 

“So if someone asks you what’s so great about your boyfriend, I thought you’d have more to say then just shrugging your shoulders, you asshole.“

And there it was, the lightning striking, and now suddenly Phil could see clear again, and he understood that Dan must have heard his and Paul’s conversation, and he almost wanted to start laughing, but that would have probably been taken the wrong way by Dan, so he bit his tongue and stayed silent, waited for Dan to pour his heart and his anger out. 

“And I was so stupid to think that there was actually something real between us, and of course I was so stupid to fall in love with you, but -“

“I love you too.“

Suddenly there was silence in the room. Dan’s face was red and his breathing heavy from anger, but his eyes were now wide open and staring at Phil in shock, and his lips were formed to an ‘o’ and looked very kissable, but Phil held himself back and didn’t lean over like he wanted to. 

“Can I hold your hand?“ Phil asked, because he didn’t want to assume it was okay to. Relief flooded his entire body when Dan nodded, and he linked their fingers together and gave Dan’s hand a soft squeeze. 

“Paul’s an asshole, Dan. We scened together back when I was living in Manchester, but he always wanted more. I wasn’t ready to settle down though, and he wasn’t the right person for me either. When he was asking questions yesterday, he was trying to provoke me, and I just didn’t want to give in to that. You’re amazing, Dan. You’re everything and more I ever wanted in a partner. You’re sweet and kind and passionate, and you know that I think you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. Paul tried to convince me that giving up BDSM would be the biggest mistake that I could make, but he’s wrong. The biggest mistake I could make in my life is letting you go.“

Dan bit his lip and Phil could see his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. A blush spread out over his cheeks and down his neck and then he smiled tentatively. It was like the clouds had disappeared all at once and the sun was coming out again.   
___

Phil took Dan to a fancy restaurant on their six month anniversary. The servings there were so small that they ended up in a dingy chippy at 11 p.m. wearing suits, their fingers greasy from fish and chips. They were tipsy from wine and love, and the waitress was rolling her eyes at them, the other patrons giving them curious looks, but they only had eyes for each other. 

They walked home from the diner, a walk of half an hour that sobered them up a little. Their fingers were intertwined as they wandered the dark but not abandoned London streets, and every now and again Dan would lean over and press a kiss to Phil’s cheek, and Phil would cup Dan’s face and kiss his forehead gently. 

Once at home, Dan opened another bottle of wine, red this time, and they curled up on the couch with their glasses in their hands, and exchanged lazy kisses. They abandoned their glasses on the coffee table after Phil had spilled some red wine on their couch, and continued where they had stopped before that interruption. Dan’s lips were firmly pressed against Phil’s, and they tingled, and his entire body tingled, and he couldn’t tell if it was from the alcohol or the way Phil’s hands rested on his hips and held them tightly. 

Dan was hard. He’d been hard for a while now, and he guessed that Phil was hard as well, and Phil’s lips tasted like red wine and for the first time in a long time, Dan wanted. He wanted to feel Phil and to taste Phil and to touch Phil everywhere, and he wanted for Phil to touch him as well, and a shudder wracked his body at the thought. 

Phil pulled back from the kiss the second he felt Dan’s body tremble. Both their breaths were erratic. 

“Need to slow down?“ he asked and licked his lips subconsciously. His black hair was a mess. The first two buttons on his shirt were undone. His thumbs were massaging circles into the skin on Dan’s hips, right above his hipbones. His eyes were more black then blue, lips swollen and red from the wine and kissing. Dan should say yes, he really should, but the tingling feeling in his body was still there and it was hard to ignore. So he leaned forward, his lips hovering millimetres from Phil’s, and he shuddered again at the way Phil’s eyes were looking at his intently, waiting for an answer so patiently. 

“More.“

He breathed out the word and then connected their lips again, the kiss becoming more frantic. His fingers searched for something to hold on to and found it in the fabric of Phil’s shirt. Phil seemed so surprised by the turn of events that he fell on his back and Dan went with him. They lay on the couch now, Dan between Phil’s legs, and their lips still touching, and Dan could feel Phil’s length press against his hip, and he knew that Phil could feel his cock straining in his pants as well. He shuddered again, part fear, part excitement, and was surprised to find that hands were pushing him away. He whined as the kiss ended, but their hips were still connected.

“Dan, you’re drunk,“ Phil mumbled, but Dan could see in his eyes that he wanted it as well.

“Please, Phil, I need-“ he never finished that sentence, instead moved his hips to gain some friction and Phil groaned. 

“Oh fuck, Dan.“

Dan whimpered again, his entire body trembling now. The way Phil’s eyes had darkened, that small sound. Dan was torn apart between want and fear, but he needed something. He moved his hips again and buried his face in the crook of Phil’s neck. Fingers started to play with his hair and he flinched instinctly. 

“Dan, can you look at me?“

He did as told, and found with surprise that Phil’s eyes were back to their normal beautiful blue colour and not mostly black anymore. 

“You’re shaking,“ Phil murmured and let his hands trail down Dan’s upper arms. “Are you sure this is a good idea?“

“I- please, Phil, I want this. I need this.“

“But do you want it because you think you have to or because you really want to?“ 

Dan was silent for a while, and he really thought about it. He had tried initiating something sexual a few times before, but it had always been because he had thought it was expected of him. But this time, this time was different. He didn’t think he had to do anything with Phil, but he wanted to. So he rocked his hips one more time and watched in fascination as Phil breathed in harshly. 

“Can’t you tell?“

He watched the way Phil swallowed, and his heart beat stupidly fast in his chest, and he just hoped that he had made the right decision. 

“Okay. I’m going to hate myself for doing this because you’ve been drinking, but if that’s what you really want,“ Phil trailed off, and Dan rocked his hips again to prove his point and whimpered. 

A hand cupped his cheek and Phil pressed a soft kiss on his lips, then on his nose, and then on his forehead. “Let me sit up?“

Dan backed off a bit and they both sat up on the couch, and Dan wanted to reach for his wine glass to take another sip for courage, but Phil was quick to stop him by grabbing his wrist. Out of reflex, Dan freed himself like he had been taught in his self-defence class. Maybe he just imagined it, but he had the feeling that Phil smiled as if proud about that. “No, Dan. If we’re doing this, we’re doing it without any more liquid courage.“ 

Dan nodded and let his hand drop, and suddenly he felt like an awkward virgin that didn’t know what to do. His body was still trembling but he didn’t know how to stop it. He was still hard, but slowly the want gave way to panic and he wondered if he’d made the right decision or the wrong one after all. 

“You know that you can stop this anytime you want to, right? All you need to do is say stop. And you can use the traffic light system as well. Remember how it went?“

“Green for go, yellow for slowing down and red for stop,“ Dan whispered.

“Good boy.“

Dan hated the way those two words made him blush and slightly squirm. 

“Why don’t we get rid of our clothes first, hm?“

There was a pause. A question, Dan realised. He was supposed to answer. He nodded. Then there were long slim fingers unbuttoning his shirt. He watched them with bated breath. They worked slowly, carefully, precisely. Four buttons down, he slapped them away. 

“No.“

“It’s okay, love, we can stop.“

Dan looked up to see Phil looking at him with concern, and he shook his head vehemently. “Can we- can we please keep our clothes on? He always- I was always naked and he never-“

“Of course we can keep our clothes on. How do you want to do this?“

“I can’t- please don’t let me decide. I don’t know.“

Phil shushed him and hugged him close, hands trailing up and down his back in a soothing manner. At first Dan tensed up, but he slowly melted into the touch. A hug he could do. Hugs were good. 

“I have an idea, okay? And I’m going to talk you through it every step of the way. And whenever you want me to stop or are not okay with something, you tell me. I trust you to tell me.“

Dan nodded and Phil pulled back. He immediately missed the warmth of the embrace, feeling cold all of a sudden. 

“Can I touch you, Dan?“

He swallowed, his heart stopping for a second. Could Phil touch him? Would that be okay? After all, that’s what he had wanted minutes ago when he was on top of Phil and thrusting against him, wasn’t it? But then the lust had seeped away and in came the fear. But Phil was offering. And Phil was good. Phil wouldn’t hurt him, right?

“Yes.“

A palm settled over his trousers where he was half-hard now and Dan flinched, but he kept himself still otherwise. His eyes were trained on Phil’s face, they didn’t dare look away, and Phil smiled at him encouragingly as he slowly started moving his hand. It wasn’t much, just light pressure on his dick, a friction that brought him to full hardness within seconds again, and Dan let out a breathy whimper that he couldn’t hold in any longer.

“I’m just going to touch you like this for a bit. Let you get used to the feeling of it. I like those little sounds you make. I noticed them earlier already. They are very pretty.“ Phil’s voice had dropped lower and Dan shivered. “Is this good, love?“

He nodded. His lips were dry and he licked over them with his tongue, watched as Phil traced the movement with his eyes before leaning forward and pressing a gentle kiss against them. Slowly the tension drained out of Dan’s body and his muscles felt heavy. 

“Want you to straddle me. Is that okay for you, baby?“

Dan complied with the request. Phil’s back was resting against the back of the couch and Dan was looking down at him now, his hands resting on his shoulders. Phil’s palm was pressed against his hard cock again and stroking over it. The feeling made Dan mad, brain clouded with lust. It wasn’t enough, not nearly enough of what he needed. 

“I’m going to open your trousers and take your cock out now, okay?“

“Yes, please.“

Dan watched as his belt got unbuckled and as Phil’s fingers popped the button of his jeans and unzipped the zipper. The fingers pushed down his jeans and black boxer shorts a bit, and then Dan felt a warm hand wrap around his dick and pull it out, and it’s been so long since someone else had touched him that he had almost forgotten how different it felt to his own hands. 

“Look at you, so pretty.“

Phil hummed and his fingers trailed over Dan’s dick, wiped away the drop of precum leaking from the tip before wrapping all around and starting to stroke at a slow pace. The last time someone else had touched him there it had hurt so much that Dan had to close his eyes at the memory. He noticed his mistake too late, because suddenly there were flashes of someone else in front him, someone else’s fingers wrapped around his dick, someone else stroking him and never stopping never stopping never stopping and it hurt make it stop make it stop make it stop. 

“Dan!“

He ripped his eyes open and a sob tumbled over his lips. There were tears on his cheeks. Hands were cradling his face and he wanted to pull away, but they wouldn’t let him. 

“Look at me, Dan, I need you to look at me.“

The voice wasn’t angry and harsh like he had expected it to be. The hands were gentle and soft and didn’t bring pain. And when he found contact with blue eyes, they held nothing but understanding and kindness. 

“I’m sorry,“ he whimpered.

“Don’t be,“ his boyfriend assured him. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have agreed to this. You’re drunk, for fucks sake.“

“But I wanted it. I- I want it,“ Dan stumbled over his words. He was still hard, his cock was throbbing and twitching. The pain on Phil’s face took him by surprise. “Please, Phil. Please. I want this, I promise. Make me come, Phil, please.“

“Dan, you just had a flashback. I’m not-“

“Can you please stop thinking about yourself and think about me for a second? I want to forget, Phil. Please, make me forget!“

Phil looked up at him full of surprise. “Are you sure?“

“Yes.“ Dan spoke the word loud and clear and held eye contact. “I’m giving you my consent, Phil.“

He could tell that Phil was struggling with what to do next, and somehow that gave him even more courage. He wasn’t the only one in the dark anymore. They were in this together. And that gave him the final push to start unbuckling Phil’s belt, and to open his jeans as well and take out his hard cock. He didn’t want to- he didn’t think he could do much. He wasn’t ready to help Phil out, but he shifted and aligned their dicks, and he took Phil’s hand and wrapped it around both their lengths.

“Dan.“

“Please, Phil, I’m begging you.“

Phil looked at him for a long time, as if to gauge if what he was doing was really okay. That insecurity and doubt he openly displayed was really what kept Dan going. He had met Phil as a dominant, he had seen him as such for so long, but right now he was Dan’s equal who didn’t know either what was the right thing to do, and that was the only reason Dan was still straddling him. 

It felt like hours, but finally Phil started to move his hand slowly, teasingly. Dan needed a few seconds, but then his overthinking brain finally shut off and the feeling of pleasure overcame him again. He was still trembling. He was still scared. But Phil was just as scared as he was, and that was what made it okay. 

Phil’s pace got faster, his movement more erratic, and Dan wished they had thought to use lube for this, but it was good nonetheless. He couldn’t hold in a whine and when Phil moaned, he shuddered. They held eye contact, but then Phil twisted his wrist in a way that made Dan’s eyes fall shut.

“Look at me, Dan,“ came the growled command and Dan’s eyes shot open again. “I want you to keep looking at me so you won’t forget who you’re with.“

They didn’t kiss, but the way they kept looking at each other was more intimate than any kiss could have ever been. Dan was the first to come, his orgasm rocking his entire body, and Phil followed seconds later, eyes clenched shut with pleasure. 

And then it was over. 

The tears came instantly and Dan didn’t know how to stop them. Both their clothes were stained with cum and Phil’s hand hadn’t even let go of their half-hard cocks when sobs made his entire body shake. He hid his face behind his hands and he was crying so hard that he almost couldn’t breathe.

“Dan. Shit, Dan, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please. Why didn’t you tell me to stop? Please don’t cry. Oh god, I’m sorry.“ 

Phil sounded like he was choking on tears himself, and Dan frantically shook his head. He couldn’t calm down. He didn’t know how to calm down. But he leaned forward and he wrapped his arms around Phil’s body, and he felt how Phil’s arms hesitantly snaked around his back. Phil’s breath tickled his ear as he whispered apologies to him.

“No, you idiot,“ Dan managed to press out between sobs, words muffled into Phil’s shirt - Phil’s shirt that was ruined with cum stains and tear stains and probably Dan’s snot now as well. “Thank you.“

Dan had a nightmare that night. Phil held his distance until Dan allowed him to hold him close, and he made breakfast in bed for Dan the next morning. When Dan came home from university that evening, he did so with a bouquet of purple tulips.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely comments, I really appreciate them all and they make me smile a lot. You're all too nice to me! If you haven't seen it yet, I've now figured out how many chapters are left to this story including the epilogue (but not including timestamps). We're close to the end, guys, but there's still a lot going to happen, don't worry. The last five chapters will most likely be longer. Hopefully you've had a good August so far, and I hope you enjoy this new chapter. :) x

There were things Dan knew he should tell his therapist about, but he kept his mouth shut. The fact that he and Phil had had a sexual encounter was probably one of those things he was supposed to share because frankly it was a big fucking deal. However, he didn’t feel like that was something he wanted to talk about with Ms. Naruse. She knew horrific details about the things done to him during the time he was held captive, humiliating specifics about the sexual abuse he had endured. Telling her about what had happened between Phil and him wouldn’t be embarrassing, because he had mostly stopped being embarrassed about anything he told her. Then what held him back from telling her?

Being with Phil had been intimate. Whenever Dan’s mind wandered back to the moment, goosebumps littered his arms and he had a prickling feeling at the back of his neck. There was something about this intimacy he just wasn’t willing to share, because it had been so precious to him that he wanted for it to be his and Phil’s alone. He had shared almost every detail of his life with Phil with either PJ or Ms. Naruse so far but not this one. This one was just too special for him to share. 

He came home that night to find Phil in the kitchen ready to cook them dinner. When Dan entered, he was reading a recipe on his laptop with a frustrated look on his face, but the moment he saw Dan the frustration gave place to joy. 

“How was your appointment?“ he asked, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist and pulling him close for a quick kiss that Dan was happy to reciprocate. 

“It was okay.“

Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder and sighed. His day had been stressful and he had felt anxiety nagging at his bones and pulling on his muscles. It had made him feel trapped in his skin but never surfaced and turned into an attack, and yet Dan had been on edge the entire time. It had been draining and tiring, but now that he was close to Phil and knew that he didn’t have to face the outside world for the rest of the night, the anxiety slowly seemed to subside. Phil’s body next to his felt warm and comforting and he had now wrapped his second arm around Dan as well, engulfing him in a soft embrace that Dan wished would never end. 

“What are you cooking?“

“I’m trying out saltimbocca with mushroom risotto.“

“Italian, I like it. Can I help?“

“If you want to.“

Dan skimmed over the recipe Phil had opened on his laptop quickly before they divided the work, Dan starting on the risotto. He cut some onions and tried to hold the tears back that stung his eyes, Phil teasing him about it as he took care of the meat. Occasionally they’d bump hips or exchange a quick kiss, but they mostly worked in silence. 

Dinner was a success and they did the dishes while listening to music and singing along to the songs off-key. After that they cuddled up next to each other on the couch and watched TV. When their eyes were heavy with sleep they exchanged the couch for Dan’s bed, and Dan fell asleep with Phil’s arm wrapped around him that night, feeling content. 

He didn’t feel content, however, when he woke up in the middle of the night. At first Dan was confused and not sure what had woken him up. He’d had a decent dream that he got ripped out of by seemingly nothing. It was unusual for him to wake up before morning if it wasn’t for nightmares. 

The problem turned out to be Phil, who kept shifting and turning next to him. After a few more seconds Phil seemed to settle down and close the distance between himself and Dan, cuddling up to the younger man’s back, his breath tickling Dan’s neck. Dan wasn’t really a fan of the spooning position, no matter if he was the one to cuddle or the one being cuddled. It was always an awkward position and hard to figure out how to position one’s arms to not have them fall asleep. Furthermore, he didn’t like not being able to see the person behind him. He knew it was Phil by the way his body felt against Dan’s and the way he breathed when he slept, but still there was something unsettling about not seeing him. It made his skin crawl. But Phil had seemed to find a comfortable position for himself and Dan didn’t want to disturb his sleep by shifting around as Phil had to get up early for work, so he just tried to suck it up and closed his eyes to try and fall back asleep.

That was until Phil shifted again, angling his hips closer to Dan’s back, and Dan’s eyes shot open as he could feel Phil’s dick pressing into his back.

Phil was hard. 

Dan tensed immediately, every fibre in his body starting to tremble. This was not good. This was so not good. He couldn’t- he had to leave, but he didn’t dare move because it might wake Phil up. There was no way he could stay though. He needed to get out, to get away. On a rational level he knew that Phil was not a threat. Phil was asleep, he wasn’t aroused. Getting hard in your sleep was natural, it was nothing out of the ordinary. But the panicking voice in Dan’s head screamed at him, screamed at him to get out quickly, and it screamed so much louder than the rational voice. 

With a bit of difficulty and bated breath he managed to untangle himself from Phil’s arms and the blanket and slipped out. It was on tiptoes that he sneaked out of his room and closed the door as quietly as he could, before leaning against it and closing his eyes, taking a moment for himself to calm down and take a deep breath. His heart was beating so fast. The anxiety crawling under his skin all day that had previously been washed away by Phil’s comforting arms had now returned full-force, seething like lava in a volcano ready to erupt. He spent the rest of the night wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep, not willing to give into it completely because as soon as he was on the brink of sleep he slipped into the beginnings of nightmares. He knew it was ridiculous and that Phil didn’t mean him any harm. For fucks sake, Phil had gotten him off less than a week ago, had gotten them both off and Dan had really liked it. He had loved how close Phil had felt to him in that moment, but still the idea of giving pleasure to Phil scared him. To be the one to have to touch him. To be the one to bring him to orgasm. Memories of a dark cellar threatened to cloud his mind and Dan’s breath sped up. He turned on the TV and watched some anime to try and chase them away. Phil found him like that once he woke up, and his voice was laced with concern as were his eyes as he asked if everything was okay. Dan told him that everything was fine, that he just woke up and couldn’t fall asleep and thus decided to occupy himself. Phil didn’t have to know the truth. Dan didn’t want to see that look in his eyes that he got when something he did triggered Dan, that look of self-hate. Phil didn’t deserve to feel that way about himself.  
___

On a sunny Saturday afternoon they had left their apartment for a walk around town and some food. Sitting in a park nearby their home at the end of spending a lovely afternoon together, the sun already sinking and the sky no longer blue but filled with so many other different colours, neither Dan nor Phil had noticed how the sky had rapidly been covered by dark grey clouds. As soon as they felt the first raindrops on their skin they decided to walk home, hoping that the short distance would be covered in time to get home relatively safe. 

Luck wasn’t on their side that day.

Completely drenched, because neither of them had even thought of bringing an umbrella with them, they stumbled into their apartment and toed off their shoes along with peeling off wet socks. 

“I get dibs on the shower first,“ Phil shouted the second he had gotten out of his socks and he was already up the first few stairs, but Dan was quick to follow.

“Oh no, you don’t!“ 

As Phil tried to shut the frosted glass door that led into their bathroom, Dan was fast enough to wedge his foot in. Not actually wanting to hurt Dan, Phil didn’t use a lot of force as he pretend to still try to close the door. He then stopped suddenly and took a step back, chuckling as the door fell open and Dan almost fell over in surprise. 

“We can always shower together I suppose,“ Phil teased and peeled off his wet button-down after unbuttoning it, “if that’s something you want,“ he trailed off, the look on Dan’s face telling him that no, that was not something Dan was particularly keen on doing. 

He was surprised though when Dan nodded and reached for the hem of his shirt with trembling fingers, having trouble getting the wet fabric off his skin. 

“Dan, I was joking. You can shower first if you want to, I don’t mind.“

“No, we can- we should shower together. Just showering though, right?“ 

The uncertainty in his words made Phil want to reach out to him for a hug, but he sensed that right now might not be the right time to do that. 

“Just taking a shower, I promise.“ He considered offering to get their swim trunks, but Dan didn’t mention them either. “Do you want me to undress first?“

“Please.“

Phil reached for his belt and opened it, before popping the button of his jeans and unzipping it. He shimmied out of them and nearly tripped over. It was worth the small smile on Dan’s lips. 

“I’m going to go in first, okay? You can join me whenever you’re ready.“

He quickly got out of his boxershorts that were wet as well and shivered a bit as his damp skin was now exposed to the room. The temperature had cooled down considerably with the rain now that the end of summer was close. Not wasting any time, Phil stepped into the bathtub and turned on the hot water. It stung on his skin before it provided comforting warmth, steam rising within seconds. The water raining down on him blocked out any noises and Phil didn’t want to make Dan feel pressured into hurrying up by starring at him, so he focused his gaze on the white tiles and waited until he felt Dan’s presence behind him. He turned around and smiled. Dan was standing in front of him naked, trembling hands self-consciously covering up his crotch. His face was bright red and his breathing too quick. Dan was standing just close enough to barely get wet from the spray. 

Phil was honestly surprised by how uncomfortable Dan seemed to be standing naked in front of him, more uncomfortable than he had been when Phil’s hand had been wrapped around his dick only days ago. Then again he had mentioned how he had been naked all his captivity, and Phil guessed that it made him feel more vulnerable than having on clothes that could act as another barrier of safety. His scars were on full display this way as well, and Phil knew that as soon as Dan turned around, he’d have to look at his back marred with reminders of his past even worse than the thin scars wrapped around his wrists. He knew there were even more scars that he hadn’t seen yet, scars on the inside of his thighs that Dan had told him about once in hushed conversations after a nightmare as Phil provided comfort. Tearing on his anus that Dan had never directly told him about but hinted at with a sad look and a heavy blush on his face when he accompanied him to Ms. Naruse and they had talked about Dan’s physical condition right after his rescue. Dan’s body was a canvas littered with scars that would remind him for the rest of his life of what had happened. He never expressed his insecurity about them, but he often wore long-sleeved shirts on warm summer days, and when his sleeves rolled up, he would immediately tug them down again. 

“Can I wash you?“ Phil asked. 

Dan’s nod was hesitant and not at all confident like Phil had hoped it might be, but it was consent nonetheless. Phil grabbed the shampoo first and squirted some of it into his hands, before combing it through Dan’s hair. The soft strands of brown hair glided through his fingers as foam started to bubble up. Careful to not get shampoo into Dan’s eyes, Phil massaged it in carefully before asking for Dan to wash it off. Then he exchanged the shampoo for coconut-scented shower gel and started at Dan’s neck and shoulders. He kept his touch gentle as he spread it over Dan’s skin on his shoulders down his arms, rubbing small, hopefully comforting, circles with his thumbs into his skin. Dan looked embarrassed as Phil spread the shower gel under his armpits as well, but Phil wasn’t bothered by that. His hands slowly wandered deeper now over Dan’s chest and onto his stomach and his hips. He could feel the way Dan’s stomach muscles contracted under his fingertips and how the tension that had slowly seemed to seep out of his body at the soft touch returned the lower his fingers wandered. 

“I’m not going to touch you there,“ Phil whispered, and he kept his promise, washing Dan’s legs but never coming anywhere near his crotch. 

When he straightened up again, Dan’s breath had returned to regular speed and his face wasn’t as red anymore. He seemed more comfortable now and his shoulders weren’t drawn up to his ears. 

“Can I do your back too?“

Phil knew that it was coming, that this question would make Dan tense up again. Although trusting Phil, Dan still seemed to have a problem with not facing him. When they fell asleep at night, he always made sure to face Phil. When Phil sometimes dared to wrap his arms around him from behind, Dan would flinch. It was something that Phil learned not to do anymore, at least not without making his presence known to Dan first. 

“Can you-,“ Dan hesitated, “when I face away from you, can you keep talking please?“

“Of course, love,“ Phil assured him. 

The older man started talking about the first thing that came to his mind, which was that one of his colleagues the other day had accidentally activated the fire alarm and that the entire building had to be evacuated. Dan had heard the story before, but Phil went into full details right now, saying that he had never seen Louise run like that down the hallway to get out. Maybe he had exaggerated a bit, but when his fingers were massaging Dan’s shoulders he could feel them shake with a tentative laugh and that was worth it. He knew that the entire time Dan’s head was turned and his boyfriend was watching him in the mirror, but he didn’t mention it. If it made Dan more comfortable to see him at all times and hear his voice to remind himself that he was safe, then Phil was willing to give him that feeling of safety. He had made a mental note after that fateful night when Dan had straddled his lap and he had gotten them both off to always make sure that Dan could see him when they were intimate with each other. 

After having lathered Dan’s back in shower gel and giving him a massage to relax his tense muscles, Phil was careful to rinse all of it off. When Dan turned around again he did so looking more at ease with the situation. He linked their fingers together and Phil brought their intertwined hands up to kiss Dan’s knuckles, watching in awe as a blush spread over his beautiful boyfriend’s cheeks. 

Phil didn’t expect it, but Dan reached out for the coconut-scented shower gel as well and squirted a good amount of it into his palm, before shaking hands start rubbing it into Phil’s skin. Dan’s movements were slow and unsure, as if waiting for Phil to tell him to stop, thinking that what he was doing might be wrong. He only did Phil’s shoulders, arms and chest, and then he quietly asked him to turn around to clean his back as well. Dan’s hands didn’t wander south and Phil tried to stay as still as possible so as not to spook him. It was obvious that being this close to him naked was nerve-wrecking for Dan and he admired the bravery in the younger man for showering with him in the first place. 

After having finished cleaning himself and turning away so Dan could clean his crotch area, they got out of the shower together and Phil wrapped Dan into a fluffy towel, pressing a kiss on the top of his damp forehead. 

“I love you,“ he murmured against Dan’s skin and he felt Dan’s hot breath against his chest as Dan responded with the same words.   
___

“Hey Phil?“

Phil looked up from where he was lazing on the couch, reading a book. Dan was sitting at the dining table, and the only sounds in the apartment that weren’t coming from the street were the occasional turning of a page and Dan typing on his laptop at fast speed. 

“I’m having trouble with this character I’m currently writing. Can I get your opinion on it?“

Of course Phil agreed. It wasn’t often that Dan was willing to share what he was writing about with him, being very shy about the stories he created. When asked about why he was so shy about it, he just shrugged his shoulders and explained that somehow sharing these stories embarrassed him. 

“So this character, he tries to do something- uhm, how can I say that? He plans on doing something pretty big that he’s been thinking of doing for a while. But his love interest- he knows, like he’s really sure, that his love interest won’t like it at all and he’s not sure if he should share the plan with them or not.“

Dan was biting on his lower lip when he stopped talking, his eyes still on his laptop and his eyebrows furrowed as if to figure something out. 

“And I really don’t know how to continue the story now.“

“Can you go into more details on what it’s about so I can understand the situation better?“

A flush spread out over Dan’s face and he shook his head. Phil should have known that he wouldn’t be lucky enough to find out more about Dan’s story - he never was. 

“In that case I’d say that your character should go with the plan as far as he can, and when he has it secured enough to be able to convince his love interest that it’s not completely idiotic, he can let them in on it.“

Dan still looked contemplating, but then he nodded. “Yeah, that could actually work.“ He finally looked up from the screen and smiled at Phil. “Thanks.“

“Will I one day be able to read this story of yours?“ Phil sighed over-dramatically, draping an arm over his face like a fainting maiden. 

Grinning at his antics, Dan shrugged his shoulders. “If it ever gets finished and I’m happy with it, I don’t see why not.“

Phil returned back to his book after that and after a few more seconds passed by, Dan started typing again. The sun was setting outside and soon they’d have to turn on the lights because it was getting hard for Phil to see, but he was too lazy to move at the moment. Every now and again his eyes flitted over to Dan, making him lose the line he was on more than once. He loved the way his younger boyfriend looked when writing, serious and yet relaxed. His eyes were focused on the screen, yet they also seemed to be glazed over, as if he was off in his own world. Phil hoped that one day Dan would be comfortable enough to share the adventures he was living in his own mind and on paper with him as well.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your lovely comments, guys. Here's chapter 34, only 4 more to go. I hope you enjoy. :) x

It had been a year since Dan had moved in with Phil now. It was late September, and Dan had returned to university once again for his third year. The leaves on the trees slowly shifted from dark green to golden, and the supermarkets had already started to sell pumpkins and Halloween decorations. At times a harsh wind whistled through the streets of London, ruffling hair and clothes. Summer was gone and autumn ruled the city with an iron fist.

The couple adapted to the change of season easily. Evenings were spent wrapped up in blankets with cups of hot chocolate or tea or decaffeinated coffee. While Dan was busy with studying, Phil would sit next to him and read, offering a sympathetic smile and a kiss on the cheek whenever Dan sighed in frustration. Dan still visited Ms. Naruse once a week, but they had stopped going to the self-defence class on Tuesdays. They’ve learned so much there, especially Dan, and they’ve made great friends there, but when the focus of the class had shifted from getting away from non-sexual attacks to sexual attacks, Dan hadn’t been able to push himself enough to suppress the panic bubbling up in his chest at the idea of pretending Phil was sexually assaulting him. Phil had understood that, because Phil was a bloody patient angel, too good of a human being to be true. 

Dan had a job now. Two days a week he would work in a coffee shop during the morning rush. The pay was shit and he still had to rely on his parents and the student loans for financial aid, but he now made his own money and that made him feel more independent. He’d had a job when he started at university for exactly two months, for September and October, working in a supermarket, but after the incident he hadn’t been able to return, too scared to live in the real world and interact with people. Now, one and a half years later, he had a job and a boyfriend, and for the first time in a long while he was almost completely content with his life.

It was evening. Phil had come home late from work and Dan had cooked for him. That alone was another sign for just how much Dan and his life had changed over the past year. When he had first moved in with Phil, he had barely known how to cook. Twelve months and many hours spent sharing a kitchen with Phil had taught him how to not burn rice and now he could actually cook a few delicious meals. He was oddly proud of that. 

They were almost finished with their meals, only a few bites left on both of their plates. There were enough leftovers for Dan to take to university for lunch the next day. Hopefully it wouldn’t rain so he could sit outside during his lunch break, back against the trunk of one of the many trees on the campus and reading a book while eating, as that would make for a relaxing break. 

Dan toyed around with the last rice grains on his plate, pushing them around with his fork. The conversation between them had come to a stop and the silence between them was comfortable, or at least Phil didn’t seem all too bothered by it. He was obviously tired. While Dan had gotten dinner ready, he’d exchanged contact lenses for his black-rimmed glasses that sometimes slipped off his nose and changed into more comfortable clothes. Dan, however, wasn’t quite as relaxed. There’d been something on his mind for a while now, a question that he was curious to hear the answer to. He’d never been brave enough to ask though. With every passing day his curiosity grew, and now during this lull in conversation he took a deep breath and decided that it was as good of a time as any to investigate. 

“Can I ask you something?“ he spoke up.

Phil cocked his head in question as answer and nodded as he was chewing. He looked more alert than seconds before and pushed his glasses back up his nose. 

“Why is your reputation as a dominant so good?“ The words were spoken quietly, hesitantly, and Dan watched as Phil’s face went from intrigued to surprised to shocked and turned slightly red as he tried to swallow in a rush and nearly chocked. 

“I didn’t see that one coming,“ his boyfriend admitted after finding his composure again and taking a sip of water. 

Dan shrugged and avoided Phil’s blue eyes that were focused on him with intent, feeling his face heat up slightly from embarrassment. 

“It’s just that I know you have this positive reputation, I’ve heard it a few times. And I think I’ve always been kinda wondering why that is?“

“I can only tell you what I think is the reason,“ Phil answered, careful in choosing his words. Dan couldn’t believe that they were sitting at the dining table together and openly talking about BDSM over dinner. His heart beat fast enough for him to feel it against his ribcage, but there was no panic. Nerves yes, but that familiar feeling of constricting breath and trembling hands failed to appear. 

“My first time I was at a BDSM club was when I was 22. I was brought there by someone I was occasionally meeting with at the time. He thought I might like it there as he said he’d discovered certain tendencies of mine in the bedroom. I submitted for the first time that night.“

Dan spluttered and Phil laughed at the look on his face. 

“You submitted?“

“Of course I did. Most dominants do at one point or another. I enjoyed it, but I became increasingly interested in the other side of it, the dominating. So I tried that one out too. I found a dom I liked and trusted and I asked him for advice on things. I had him oversee my first few scenes as a dominant. I never really went back to submitting after that. And then I started working as a safeguard part-time in one of the Manchester BDSM clubs I used to be a regular at. Most safeguards in the clubs usually aren’t in the scene, but I was. I’ve looked after subs properly before as well, but becoming a safeguard helped me learn everything I needed to know, the signs to look out for to see if a submissive could possibly be in danger. I was able to use that knowledge in my scenes as well. Subs felt safe with me. I still feel guilty about the first night I met you. I thought you were a new sub. I should have known that there was more behind it. The way I behaved towards you that night would have cost me my job back in Manchester.“

Dan’s eyes were as big as saucers by the time Phil was done telling his story. 

“You- you were a safeguard?“ 

“Yup, and a pretty good one at that. But once I stopped working as one when moving down from Manchester, I kind of stopped looking out for subs and instead just concentrated on myself again. After meeting you though, I became more aware of submissives again in the Dungeon.“

Phil leaned back, food on his plate forgotten, and watched the emotions flit over Dan’s face in the span of mere seconds before composing himself again. The most prominent of them was surprise. Phil knew that there hadn’t been a safeguard seeing the signs of possible danger when Dan was at the Dungeon, although PJ had told him that he himself had never been fond of the man that Dan had met up with. The club had failed him, but he didn’t want to blame them really. How could they have known about the malicious intent of Dan’s kidnapper?

Cocking his head, Phil waited for Dan to answer. Surely he must have had some opinion about this revelation and Phil hoped it was a positive one. Dan didn’t answer though. Instead he thoughtfully looked at his food. 

“You’re making it really hard for me to tell if you think that that’s a good or a bad thing,“ Phil remarked, slightly amused after almost a minute of silence.

“It definitely justifies your positive reputation.“

“Can I ask you something as well?“ Phil asked and Dan looked up from his food again to make eye contact. Phil could almost see the gears in his head turning as Dan tried to figure out what he might want to know from him. 

“The first time we met at the club, you were wearing a submissive bracelet. Why didn’t you just pick a neutral one that marked you as an onlooker?“

A blush spread all over Dan’s face at that question and he broke eye contact again, stammering a bit. When he talked, it was hard to hear him because he mumbled.

“You know in the entrance when you have to register? I told the woman sitting there my name and as she typed it in she saw in the database that I had been here before as a submissive, so she just handed me the chain bracelet. I was too nervous to tell her that I didn’t want it so I just put it on. PJ volunteered to go back and exchange it, but I told him to let it be. I assumed that most people in the club knew who I was since, as you know, most of them are regulars and gossip travels fast. Besides, PJ promised not to leave my side and I knew that he was going to look after me so when we lost each other I really started panicking.“

“Are you telling me that we only met because of someone else’s mistake? Why didn’t she ask what bracelet you wanted? They asked me every time I went there too, although I never switched from dominant to anything else.“

“I guess?“

Phil sighed but looked at Dan fondly. “In that case I guess I’m glad that someone else was incompetent at doing their job.“

The corners of Dan’s lips quirked up at that. “Me too.“  
___

Dan was lying on his back, breathing slightly sped up. He was staring at the ceiling only illuminated by the nightlight as he felt lips press soft kisses all over his chest, slowly trailing lower over his stomach down to his bellybutton where hot breath tickled his skin.

“Is this okay?“ Phil asked carefully.

“Yeah,“ Dan croaked out, but he wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth. They’d been lying in bed, ready to go to sleep. A quick goodnight kiss had turned into longer kisses had turned into Dan getting hard. He’d tried to keep it hidden from Phil, but the way he had angled his hips away must have given him away.

Phil had offered to help him out and Dan had agreed in the heat of the moment. Now though, he wasn’t so sure if Phil’s warm breath traveling down his body was exactly what he wanted. Their sexual relationship at the moment was careful handjobs that Phil gave him or mutual masturbation. They were baby steps and on some days it was easier than on others. One time Dan had even gone as far as wrapping his fingers around Phil’s hand as his boyfriend was masturbating. He had felt disgusted with himself and let go quickly and he didn’t feel the urge to actually touch Phil’s cock, but it had been a start. 

They had never done anything oral so far. But now, as Dan was lying on his back completely exposed - Phil was just as naked, always remembering the discomfort it caused Dan to be less dressed than the person opposite him - Phil showed every intent to want to change that. Dan wasn’t entirely sure if he liked that idea. He knew he was one hundred percent not okay with that idea as soon as he felt Phil’s breath ghost over his cock. He wasn’t as hard anymore as he had been when they had made out and panic settled into his chest. 

This, whatever was happening right now - and Dan knew what to call it and what it was, but he was too scared to even think the words - was too personal. Too intimate. Too much with too little preparation, both mental and physical. He could deal with a hand. He could deal with Phil’s fingers touching him while his other arm was comfortingly draped over Dan, when he was able to keep eye contact with Phil and get lost in those blue orbs as Phil’s hand brought him to orgasm. But right now there was no arm comfortingly draped over him and no blue eyes to get lost in. 

Without thinking, Dan turned away from the touch with a whimper and rolled onto his side. He pulled up his knees to curl up and guard his private parts and squeezed his eyes shut as an uncertain “no“ slipped over his lips.

When Phil tried to offer comfort, Dan asked him to leave the room. He slept on his own that night, although he almost didn’t sleep at all.   
___

Looking at porn admittedly hadn’t been Dan’s brightest idea, but he couldn’t have expected that it would trigger a full-blown panic attack now, could he? By the time Phil arrived home Dan was still shaking, but he ha deleted his internet history and convinced Phil that a bad encounter on his way home had been the reason for his pale skin and the sweat glistening on his forehead. 

Disappointed with himself for not even being able to watch some porn with vanilla sex, Dan tried to forget what he had just seen. Lately it was becoming an even bigger issue for him, the fact that although he tried - and he really did - he just couldn’t get too intimate with Phil. He didn’t do it because Phil pushed him, because god knows Phil was the most patient man he’s ever seen, but because Dan wanted to be intimate with Phil. He wanted to give himself to Phil entirely, to enjoy what they could be doing. 

But whenever he tried to let go it never worked and honestly it pissed him off. 

Why couldn’t he be normal? Why couldn’t he be like any other guy his age, living without anxiety? Enjoying the closeness of his partner? Why did he have to be ruined? 

Why did it have to be him being ruined?

That evening when he and Phil were playing video games, he took a deep breath to ask: “Do you have any plans for the weekend?“

“Not really, no. Why? Did you have something in mind that we can do?“

“Can you do me a favour? I need to go somewhere on Saturday morning. It’s about an hour away if traffic’s light. And I might need you for the rest of the weekend as well.“

Phil pressed pause on the game they were currently playing to look over at Dan, a mix of confusion and worry painting his features. 

“I can take you anywhere you want. But what are you planning to do?“

Dan couldn’t meet his eyes. “I’d rather not talk about it now if that’s okay. Just- I really need you to do this for me please. If not, mum agreed to come pick me up and drive me there, but I’d rather have you with me. I need you for this.“

Phil didn’t ask any more questions, probably in the hopes that Dan would tell him where they were going on his own. Dan, however, kept his lips sealed. On Saturday morning, just after sunrise, he gave Phil the address to the place in a town called Chelmsford they were supposed to go to and that’s all Phil got out of it.

“I want you to wait in the car while I take care of my business please,“ Dan said fifteen minutes before they were supposed to arrive. 

The car ride had been mostly quiet except for the music playing at a low volume on the radio. Neither of them had talked. Dan had been on edge this entire time, tense and nervous, and he knew that Phil could tell, which was probably the reason he didn’t talk much either. 

With every passing minute bringing them closer to their destination Dan got more nervous. He was tapping his foot and playing with the hem of his shirt, and his mouth was dry and his lips were dry as if he had walked through the desert for hours without water. Anxiety made his fingers tremble and felt like it was restricting his breath. He had no idea how he was supposed to do what he came here to do, but he knew that he had to at least try. He was here for a reason and he’d be damned if he didn’t get what he came for.

“Dan,“ Phil muttered after he had parked the car, worry clouding his features as he looked at the building looming in front of them, “why are we at a prison?“

Dan came to get answers.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello little nuggets. Thank you so much for the comments, they all made me smile. Sorry to keep you on the cliffhanger for so long, forgive me? This one is unbeta'd still but I didn't want to let you guys wait for even longer, so sorry for the mistakes. I hope you enjoy it. :) x

“Dan,“ Phil muttered after he had parked the car, worry clouding his features as he looked at the building looming in front of them, “why are we at a prison?“

Dan didn’t answer him. There was no need for that. Surely Phil was smart enough to figure out by himself why they were here. 

“Dan, no.“

Licking his lips, Dan stopped looking at the threatening looking building in front of them and turned to Phil instead. 

“You can’t stop me.“

“I can try.“

The serious look on his face told Dan that Phil wasn’t joking about this, that he was serious when he said he’d stop Dan if he needed to. Dan wasn’t joking about this either.

“I’ve made the arrangement to come here a while ago. If I wanted to cancel this scheduled visit, I’d have to have done that already.“

“I’ll personally walk inside and tell them you’re not coming.“

Glancing at the digital clock on the dashboard, Dan knew that it was time to go and face his demons. And although Phil told him no, Dan would be damned to listen to him. He’d been trained in the past to listen, and Phil had been the one to slowly help him overcome his fear of not obeying. Yet most of the time Dan had not spoken against Phil, the remains of the terror of what could happen if he did so were still ingrained inside him. Although Phil had broken that wall down one by one, Dan had never entirely allowed for it to break, no matter how many times Phil asked him to. Now finally he’d do it though, do what Phil had always asked him to do. 

“I’m going.“

His hand was already on the door handle and ready to open it, his body turned away from Phil, and so he was taken by surprise when suddenly Phil leaned over the console and grabbed for one of his wrists. 

“Why?“

The one word boomed through the car, desperation in his voice. “Why would you want to go back and meet him? What do you hope to get out of it?“

Although wanting to, Dan didn’t pull away from Phil’s hold on him. Instead he turned back around calmly - or as calmly as his nerves allowed him to be - to look Phil in the eyes. Anger bubbled up inside of him though, because what was Phil thinking? He’d promised to never control Dan. He was taken aback, however, by the amount of concern shimmering in those blue orbs and that’s when he realized that Phil didn’t want him to go in because he was worried about Dan. Having met Phil as a shell of his former self, he’s come so far over the past two years. Maybe Phil was just scared that Dan could regress again, go back from the person he was now to that scared hollow boy he used to be. 

Dan knew that if he wanted to, he could easily free himself out of the grip Phil was having on him. It wasn’t a tight one, his fingers lose around Dan’s wrist. Phil would never hold him too tight, he’d never restrain Dan against his will. Dan knew that much now, and he also knew that it was important to make Phil understand that he needed to let him go.

“I hope to get answers, Phil. I’ve been scared for so long and now it’s time to find closure, but to be able to do that I need to know some things first. Why did he do what he did, why me of all people? What did he expect out of all of it? How would it have ended if the police hadn’t found me?“

“But what if the answers are’t what you’ve hoped for?“ Phil asked, desperation obvious in his slightly shaking voice now.

“I will accept every answer I get and I will finally be able to find peace. This was a chapter of my life that should have ended sooner already, but I haven’t had the courage yet to end it myself. You’ve come into my life though and you’ve changed me, you made me a much stronger person than I used to be. I’m finally able to face my demons, Phil, and I need to do that now and on my own. And when this is over, I hope to become the person worthy of your love. I will be yours alone, and he’s not going to have any control over me anymore. Please, Phil,“ Dan said, putting his heart in every word, “I need to do this.“

There was silence between them for seconds, neither of them daring to look away from the other first, until Phil did. With a resigned sigh he let go of Dan’s wrist. 

“I want you to be careful,“ he muttered, clearly not happy about what was about to happen. “And I want you to know that when you get back out here, I’ll be waiting for you.“  
___

Dan’s knees were shaking when he got out of the car. His teeth were chattering when he entered the prison and showed his ID. When he got searched through by someone, he recoiled from the touch. The man gave him a what Dan guessed should be comforting pat on the back, but that didn’t calm him down much.   
 Prison looked dull. There were no colours really, everything was in a dirty white. No joy could be seen on the faces of people Dan passed by, only blank stares. With every step he took his heartbeat sped up. He was brought into the visitors hall. Some of the tables there were occupied, some empty. Guards were standing by the walls and near tables.

Dan could spot him immediately. He was standing by a table, a twisted grin on his face. His hair was shorter than it had been when Dan had last seen him, his skin pale and ashen. He had lost weight and gained muscles. His arms were outstretched as if waiting for a hug. Dan faltered in his steps. Flashes of his weeks held in captivity played in the back of his mind.

“What, no hug for me? Is that the proper way to greet your old friend now?“  
___

Dan was gone for about an hour, and Phil was waiting for him in the car restlessly. At one point he must have looked suspicious enough for a police officer to come over to the car and ask what he was doing. After explaining his case, he was left alone.

When Dan returned he looked pale, but his eyes weren’t rimmed red and there were no red blotches on his face or neck, so he hadn’t been crying. He got into the car without a word. Phil could see his fingers trembling as he wrung his hands. 

“Where to now?“

Dan flinched slightly before turning to Phil as if he hadn’t realized he’s been sitting here all along. 

“Can we- can you just drive for a while?“

Dan’s voice shook and sounded weak. Phil complied to his wish. He started the car and drove them for a while. They left Chelmsford behind and instead of driving west back to London, Phil chose a road up north. Buildings soon gave place to country roads lined with trees and looking out over fields. Dan’s head was resting against the window. Sometimes his shoulders would twitch or a shudder would wrack his body. Phil wanted to reach out to touch and comfort, to rest the palm of his hand on Dan’s thigh and let his thumb caress soothingly, but he knew that his touch wasn’t welcome right now. 

For about an hour they drove in silence. The sky was cloudy. Minutes ago it had started drizzling, but by now it was heavily raining. Phil had to drive slower, because even with his windshield wipers at full speed it was hard to see. 

“Can you pull over?“

Phil was surprised by the words, but he did as asked as soon as the next opportunity arrived. Before the car had fully come to a stop, Dan ripped open the door and almost fell out onto his knees. Phil winced in sympathy because the impact of gravel must have hurt. Within seconds Dan was drenched from head to toe, hair sticking to his forehead. His hands were covering his face and his sobs were loud enough to hear over the sound of raindrops on the windshield. 

“Why? Why, why, why?“ 

He repeated the word over and over just to choke on another sob and dry heave, and his hands were now balled into fists, punching the floor. 

Phil watched in silence. 

The rain was too heavy to make out Dan’s tears on his chin. When Dan’s punches became more violent and the sobs mixed with screams, Phil decided that he’d had enough. Checking that there wasn’t a car coming in the mirror, he opened the door and got out into the rainstorm as well. Immediately his clothes were completely soaked as raindrops pelted against his skin. He made his way around the car and kneeled next to Dan, resting a hand on his shoulder to offer comfort. 

Dan startled and recoiled from the touch before looking up. Now his eyes were red rimmed and red blotchy spots were blooming up on his neck and face. He sniffled and with the sleeve of his jumper wiped over his nose. 

“You did it, Dan,“ Phil tried to encourage him. “You did it. You faced your fears.“

Another sob, and then Phil’s arms were full with Dan as his boyfriend threw himself into him, face hidden in Phil’s t-shirt, fingers desperately clinging on to wet fabric. 

“H- he s-s-said,“ Dan tried to stutter out, but Phil shushed him gently. 

“It’s alright, love. You don’t have to talk about it. For now it’s important that you try to calm down. You’re alright and you’re safe and you’re so so brave.“ 

He peppered soft kisses against Dan’s forehead that left the taste of raindrops lingering on his lips and held him close until it was easier for his boyfriend to catch his breath again.

“We should get into the car or else we’re going to get sick,“ Phil murmured. The autumn temperature was low and he shivered slightly from the rain. He wouldn’t mind giving Dan all the time he needed to cry and grief for the person he could have been had it not been for the sick asshole that had taken so much from him, but he wanted to give him that time somewhere safe and sound and dry, not the side of a road in the rain. 

Dan nodded against his shoulders, his violent sobbing having turned into small hiccups. Phil helped him up and pressed one more gentle kiss against his forehead before helping him climb into the car. Dan’s hair was curled now and no longer acted as a curtain to shield his face, but Phil still noticed the way he kept his head lowered as if to hide away from the world. 

With wet clothes and the temperature in the car turned up high, Phil continued their journey to nowhere in particular. He knew how relaxing driving had always been for him and how he had enjoyed looking outside the window and just being able to think about things when he was younger. Dan had a lot to think about, so Phil strapped himself in for a long drive.

They ended up in a quaint village hours later and found a Bed and Breakfast that Phil decided they would stay at for the night. The remote town was close to the shore, so after checking in with a lovely old lady with grey hair and a bad posture but a smile that made her look like she had just turned twenty-one, Phil drove them there. Dan was still acting stoic. Barely talking. Barely showing that he was aware of his surroundings. It hurt Phil to see him like that. 

The shore Phil took Dan to was a small pebble-stoned beach. The sun was setting and cast an orange glow onto the surface of the ocean and seagulls circled over their heads. Their clothing was dry at last, but Dan’s hair was still curly and Phil’s underwear a little damp. 

Sitting down on the ground and watching the horizon, it calmed Phil’s frazzled nerves. Dan was next to him. He was safe. He’s gone and talked to the man that had destroyed his life, but he was sitting next to Phil - he had asked for Phil to be the one next to him to overcome this obstacle in his life, not PJ, not his mum but him - and although he was quiet, Phil knew that eventually Dan would be okay. Because Dan was strong. 

“I should have noticed that something was wrong the first time he ignored my slowing down word,“ Dan said, startling Phil. “I’ve only used it once before. I’ve never actually used a safeword, you know? Always felt comfortable enough with the dominants I was with, and the first time I used my slowing down word, the dominant acted immediately. He checked in on me and asked what was too much, and he slowed down and made sure that I was comfortable at all times after that.“

“Like a good dom should do,“ Phil answered quietly. On the inside his blood was boiling in anger, but he didn’t want Dan to know that, wanted to come across as calm and collected, a strong shoulder for Dan to lay some weight on so his load wouldn’t be so heavy to carry all by himself. 

“He fucked me pretty hard that time I told him to slow down. That was the first time I was involved in breath play. He choked me hard enough to leave fingerprints on my neck for days, and when I used my safeword he told me to suck it up like the good little bitch I am. I almost fainted because I couldn’t breathe anymore. I’ve liked the idea of breath play before that. I’ve sometimes even covered my mouth and nose while masturbating because it aroused me and my orgasms were much more intensive when I couldn’t breathe properly. With him it only scared me.“

“You still came back to him though.“

Dan laughed bitterly. 

“He was very charismatic and he acted like he knew exactly what he was doing. You could say he charmed my pants off. PJ never trusted him, so after a while I stopped telling him about what we were doing. I never told him about how he ignored me safewording. I knew PJ’d tell me that he wasn’t a good dom and I guess I just didn’t want to hear that. It really wasn’t all that surprising when he ignored me crying my safeword over and over again while I was locked up in his cellar.“

“Did he give you the answers you were looking for?“

Dan didn’t answer. When Phil looked over, he noticed the way Dan’s lips were pressed into a thin line. His hands were trembling where they were laying on his knees. He didn’t have to answer for Phil to know that he didn’t get what he came for. 

“He told me that I was just the lucky pick out of a thousand guys. That it could have been anyone instead of me.“

More silence. 

Tears were glistening in the corners of Dan’s eyes again, but he blinked them away stubbornly. He didn’t want to cry, not again. 

“I’ve always thought that it was me because he saw something special in me, something more than in all the others. But now I know that it wasn’t that but pure coincidence. I’ve always been wondering what it could have been about me that had intrigued him that much, but to learn that there wasn’t anything about me that lured him in but that it was just my stupid naivety, that hurts a lot.“

And Phil understood somehow how that answer wasn’t satisfying for Dan. PJ had told him often enough how Dan had changed certain things about his life and his being. He’d started straightening his hair because his captor had loved playing with his curls, he’d changed his style of clothing to fit in with the mass, when before he had dared to stick out just a bit. He’d tried to turn into something that nobody could see anything special in, just as he had started to refuse eating food or drinking something that other people could have gotten their hands on beforehand, because he had been so scared of history repeating itself. He had turned himself into something that hopefully no one could find anything special in and it had been for nothing, because in the end it hadn’t been anything about Dan but his trust in the wrong person that had led to everything that had happened. 

“I’m still glad that I got to see him again, though,“ Dan quietly admitted. His voice was shaking with nerves now. “I had a serious crush on this guy, you know? And even when he held me captive and raped me,“ Phil flinched, he’d never heard him talk so bluntly about what had happened,“in my fucked up mind I still couldn’t help but think that he was beautiful. I still had a crush on him somehow. And that was just seriously fucked up. They called it Stockholm Syndrome, but that wasn’t it. When you have Stockholm Syndrome, you feel sympathy for your captor. I never felt sympathy for him. I never thought what he did was an act of kindness and I didn’t want to be found or escape.“

“He just really lured you in enough before it all happened to make you really like him.“

Shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe himself either, Dan agreed. 

“But seeing him again just now-“ Dan paused to find the right words, “I don’t get those butterflies anymore that I used to get when seeing him. I look at him and I think that he’s an ugly human being. I don’t understand how I could have ever felt something like desire for him. I know now that I don’t have a crush on him anymore.“

Dan trailed off and watched a seagull that had landed close to them, before turning to Phil with a small smile and saying: “At least in that sense I am finally free.“

They returned to their dingy room way past nightfall with store-bought hot chocolate powder that dissolves in hot water. It didn’t taste as good as with milk, but neither of them cared as they sat in bed and watched TV, their feet tangled up in blankets. Dan had several nightmares that night and Phil didn’t fall asleep before the first rays of sunshine lightened up the sky, staying up to wake up Dan as soon as the first signs of restless sleep showed themselves. 

__

Phil woke up lying on his back from a tickling feeling on his stomach. He huffed and tried to suck it in, but the feeling didn’t disappear. 

“You’re tickling me,“ he complained with a raspy voice and turned his face to hide it in the cool side of the pillow. 

“Good morning, grumpy. We’ve slept way past breakfast.“

“Don’t care,“ Phil grumbled and gently tried to swat Dan’s hand away. In his sleep haze, however, he still noticed the way Dan’s voice sounded cheerful. It was a good sound to wake up to, way better than the fingertips trailing over his stomach. Normally he’d sleep in pyjamas next to Dan, but neither of them had any luggage with them and so they had decided to sleep just in boxershorts next to each other. Dan hadn’t been thrilled about it at first, but now he seemed to quite enjoy Phil’s pale exposed skin. 

Phil immediately perked up from his sleepy state though the second he felt Dan’s fingers wander lower.

“What are you doing?“ he whispered hoarsely as he felt Dan’s fingers trail the edge of his underwear, sometimes even daring to go slightly under the elastics. 

He turned his head and opened his eyes and was surprised to see how close Dan’s face was to his. Brown eyes were staring down at him wide-eyed, nerves dancing in them and a little bit of fear. He swallowed harshly. 

“Can you- can you stay completely still for me, please? I want to try something.“

Dan looked unsure and he was searching Phil’s eyes as if he was looking for answers to something in them.

“Yeah,“ Phil breathed out.

“And can you not be mad if I- if I need to stop at a point?“

Right about now Phil would have told Dan to stop immediately if he wasn’t one hundred percent sure with what he was about to do. But Dan had caught him at a weak moment, still tired of sleep and his body intrigued with the soft touch dancing over his skin. 

Phil licked his lips and nodded.

“Of course.“

Dan must have found the answer he was looking for in Phil’s eyes as he nodded and his eyes now trailed down to where his fingers were caressing Phil’s skin just mere millimeters away from his pelvis. Phil couldn’t help it as his still soft dick twitched in interest. It’s been so long since someone else had touched him down there. 

“Can you-?“

Dan gently snapped the elastics of Phil’s boxershorts and the raven-haired man understood immediately what his boyfriend was asking for. He lifted his hips and shimmied down his boxers enough to expose his cock, still not fully erect.

“It’s not as scary as a poisonous snake,“ Dan joked, but Phil heard the way his voice trembled and noticed how he forced himself to take deep breaths. 

“But it’s scarier than a non-poisonous snake,“ Phil answered with a light-hearted tone. He was glad to see Dan crack a smile at that. 

“How about it’s as scary as a constrictor?“ Dan asked. “Because they can both choke me.“

Phil face-palmed at that. “I can’t believe you actually just made that joke.“

“That’s why you love me.“

With a soft smile Phil agreed to that. “I guess that’s true.“

He sucked in a breath as Dan’s fingers found the spot right under his belly button where his happy trail started. Phil usually kept his pubic hair shaved, but sometimes he allowed himself to let it grow in a bit. He hadn’t shaved it in a few days now and the beginnings of small light brown hair started growing back.

For minutes Dan’s fingers didn’t dare do anything but gently caress and slightly scratch his nails down Phil’s pelvis. That was enough though to make Phil fully hard, his cock now red at the tip and curved upwards towards his belly button. Dan skillfully avoided touching it. 

When his hand suddenly cupped Phil’s balls, it took the older man by surprise. He had been so preoccupied with watching Dan’s face for any signs of distress that he hadn’t seen it coming and his breath hitched slightly. 

Dan massaged them lightly, rolled them around in the palm of his hand. Phil had always liked it when someone played with his balls or sucked at them. It was always his weakest spot, making his knees shake. Another few minutes went by with Dan carefully playing with them. By now he must have realized that Phil was very sensitive there. Phil knew enough guys whose cock would soften when you just played with their balls, but his stayed hard throughout.

The first touch on Phil’s cock was tentative. In fact it was so soft that he almost didn’t feel it. The tips of Dan’s fingers ghosted over his length. They repeated that motion a few times, and by the fourth time Phil actually felt them on his skin. They were warm and a little bit calloused, and when Dan finally dared wrap his fingers around Phil’s dick, the older man couldn’t help but let out a sigh. 

Dan stilled. He didn’t move for a while, his fingers just wrapped around Phil’s cock while he was staring at his hand almost as if he didn’t believe this was happening. For a moment Phil considered stopping this. How could he have allowed this to go so far the day after Dan had met his captor? What kind of terrible boyfriend was he?

But then he noticed that there was no sign of fear on Dan’s face or in his posture. He could spot nerves in there by the way Dan breathed or swallowed and how his hands trembled slightly. Instead of the fear that he had been sure he’d find in Dan’s features was curiosity and wonder. His lips were slightly parted and he wetted them with his tongue.

And then he started moving his hand. It was slow, torturously slow even, but Phil didn’t dare say anything. They were going at Dan’s pace. They would always be going at Dan’s pace. 

Phil could feel the trembling in Dan’s fingers subside after a while. He had started with a slow rhythm, but his strokes got increasingly faster. And when he twisted his wrist just a little experimentally, Phil couldn’t help but moan quietly. 

Like a startled deer, Dan’s hand froze and his eyes shot up to Phil’s face, looking at him wide-eyed. 

“I’m sorry,“ Phil immediately stammered and if he hadn’t been sure before, he now knew that he had fucked up. He was taken by surprise though when Dan started stroking him again, their eyes still meeting. 

Phil bit his lower lip in order to hold in any more noises as they had so obviously startled Dan. 

“No,“ Dan murmured, “don’t hold them in.“

He squirmed slightly, and only then did Phil’s eyes trail down to spot the tent his boxershorts formed.

“Do you want me to?“ he offered carefully. Had his small moan actually turned Dan on that much?

He was met with a shake of Dan’s head. 

“Please don’t. Need to concentrate. Can’t do this if I can’t concentrate on you.“

Phil knew the implication in that all too well, knew how when Dan got aroused his mind wandered back to darker places and darker times, and how he had to be reminded that he was safe.

So Phil nodded and looked at Dan’s face again, and Dan averted his eyes and looked at Phil’s cock in his hand again, now stroking him at a steady pace.

Regardless of Dan obviously enjoying the sounds he made, Phil still tried to keep his moaning down. He didn’t want to accidentally spook Dan. He couldn’t fight against the way his breath started to hitch though as the all too familiar feeling of an orgasm approaching started to twist his stomach and make his skin tingle. 

“I’m close,“ he warned, fully expecting Dan to pull away now. It was one thing to touch someone, but an entirely different thing to make them come.

“Hm,“ Dan hummed. “Want to see you come.“

Phil was surprised, but even stronger than the surprise was the jolt of pleasure those words sent through his body. He’d never heard Dan’s voice so low before, never dared to imagine Dan might say something like this to him, and within seconds the feeling of pleasure tipped over and he came, closing his eyes and biting his tongue to not alert the neighbours. His cock pulsated as he shot cum over his belly and Dan stroked him through it until the last second, only letting go when Phil’s dick was already half soft and sensitive to the touch. 

“You okay? What did I do to deserve that?“ Phil asked when he had finally found his breath again. His heart was still beating too fast and the cum was pooling on his stomach and cooling down. Dan wiped the droplets of cum that had landed on his fingers into Phil’s underwear and the older man pulled a grimace at that, as he didn’t have a spare set to change into. 

“I’m okay. I guess I just saw you lying there asleep, and I suddenly really wanted to touch you.“

“And you actually did.“

The beaming smile he received from Dan made Phil’s heart soar. “I did. Also your face when you come is really cute. It’s all scrunched up. If you do that too often you might get wrinkles though.“

Dan laughed as the nearest pillow landed in his face and Phil, slightly pink from embarrassment at having been watched this closely while orgasming, told him to shut up.   
___

PJ plopped down across from Dan with a long sigh. It was still early in the morning on a Monday, the Monday after Dan’s visit at the prison, but both of their uni schedules made it hard for them to meet up now, after all they were both in their third year of university already. That’s why they had traded pleasant sleep for meeting up with each other in a coffee shop, PJ with tea as he didn’t like coffee all that much and Dan with a coffee with loads of sugar and milk and whipped cream on top to give him enough energy to get through the day. 

Of course PJ already knew everything about Dan’s weekend. And with everything, he meant literally everything. He’d been the one Dan had texted in panic on Sunday when he had first thought about touching Phil. He’d been the one Dan had talked to in the bathroom for two hours that Saturday night while Phil was watching TV, giving details about his visit to prison. Phil was Dan’s anchor, but that didn’t change the fact that PJ was his best friend that sometimes lacked a filter between his brain and mouth, as he said loudly enough to have at least all the surrounding tables hear it if they payed attention to their conversation: “So why don’t you just top?“

The issue of sex still lingered on Dan’s mind. He shushed PJ and kicked his shin under the table, his face shining like a red traffic light. PJ just shrugged his shoulders. Sometimes it was just hard for him to understand that not the entire world was as open to sex as he was, especially not at half past seven on a Monday morning.

“We’ve talked about it before. Phil offered that if I was ever ready, I could top. He’s said that he doesn’t especially mind bottoming but that he’s not the biggest fan of it either. And I just don’t really like topping? I didn’t mind having sex with a girl as that’s a vagina I can fuck, but I just don’t really like the idea of fucking someone’s asshole?“

“You’ve rimmed people before,“ PJ pointed out nonchalantly. It was honestly too early to have this conversation. How could PJ even keep such a straight face when saying that? At least he had lowered his voice now as well and their conversation was hushed, not forcing the entire coffee shop to listen in unwillingly. 

“But that’s something different,“ Dan mumbled. PJ looked at him with his head cocked, obviously showing that he didn't understand the difference. Dan was quick to change the topic. His stomach couldn’t possibly hold a detailed sex talk with his best friend and all that whipped cream on his coffee all at once so early in the morning.   
___

That Sunday morning at the Inn had been the start of something fragile and beautiful. They drove back home after having lunch in a small pub in the lovely town they had been staying in. That night Dan had asked Phil if they could get each other off at the same time and Phil was quick to comply. It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes Dan would have flashbacks. Sometimes he’d do it to push himself after a bad day because he wanted to prove something to himself. As much as Phil wanted to, he could never just close his eyes and bask in the feeling of Dan pleasuring him until the very second he actually came, always on the look out for signs of distress that made him stop whatever they were doing and ended in several cold showers. Phil understood that that was part of the process of Dan’s recovery as well, and whenever Dan tried to apologize for having to stop, Phil would remind him that there was nothing to feel guilty about. He’d take a thousand cold showers for Dan if he had to.

Blowjobs had started shortly after that. Dan had been fine with Phil blowing him, but as soon as he had wanted to return the favour he panicked and hid from Phil for two days. The second try was equally bad, but the third time he didn’t panic anymore as long as Phil was lying on his back, Dan was on top and Phil’s hands didn’t touch him anywhere. 

Phil had considered bringing a safeword into their sexual activities to make Dan understand that he’d always listen. After all, they’ve used safewords in their regular life already, although not that often. For days he had pondered if that was something that could help Dan, but in the end he had decided against it. Safewords were something that was heavily associated with the BDSM world for Dan, and Phil didn’t want for the sexual experiences they gathered together now to have any influence of that. Dan wasn’t ready for that yet. He may never be. And above all, the things they did together now they did as boyfriends, not as dominant and submissive. It wasn’t Phil’s job to test and expand Dan’s limits now, it was to keep him safe and happy and reminded that he was okay. Dan shouldn’t have to use a safeword to signify to Phil that something wasn’t right. It was Phil’s job to make sure that Dan didn’t have to feel uneasy in the first place. 

There was no penetrative sex. When they did do something, Dan always had to look at Phil, to see that it was Phil touching him and him touching Phil. Sometimes he needed Phil’s voice as well to remind him that he was safe. Sometimes he had to stop in the middle for a break. Sometimes he had to stop altogether. Some days just the thought of someone touching him sent him into panic. Sometimes he was fine. It wasn’t always perfect, but Dan was slowly learning to understand that with Phil he was safe and had nothing to fear. And although sometimes he had to stop what they were doing, Dan was proud of himself. He was proud, because he was already at a point in his life that for the longest time he didn’t think he’d ever get to ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Noticed the dick joke in there? I came up with it all by myself, and I'm stupidly proud of it.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your lovely comments, reading them really warmed my heart. :D Hopefully you all had a good Halloween! Also I'm scratching the '38 chapters' idea. I know how to end this now properly, and I'll finish writing it in November, but it's probably going to be a bit longer still. Aaah, you don't mind that, do you? Hope you enjoy the next chapter. :) x

When Phil made hot chocolate it wasn’t always perfect. Sometimes there were little chunks in it that he didn’t manage to dissolve when mixing the powder into the milk, but he always made up for it by putting little marshmallows on top. 

It’s quite funny, the way Phil’s personality matched the way he made hot chocolate, Dan mused as he took a sip from the mug, watching Phil over the rim of it sitting at the dining table talking on the phone with his mum. Phil was sweet but he wasn’t perfect, but when he messed up, he always made sure to fix what he had done wrong and make sure no lasting damage was left behind. 

With October the cold started to seep into their apartment and gave them a reason to use their fireplace again. Dan was wrapped in a cosy blanket, feet clad in fuzzy socks poking out at the end. 

“Yes mum. I can’t promise anything though. I know. I love you too.“

Phil hung up and got up from the chair, only to let himself fall on the couch next to Dan and steal half of his blanket, exposing Dan’s arm. A dissatisfied grunt from Dan and a bit of shuffling later, they were both kind of under the blanket together as much as their heights allowed it, Dan’s head resting on Phil’s shoulder and their feet intertwined. 

“I told you my parents are coming to London next weekend, right?“ Phil asked. Dan hummed in agreement. He remembered he’d heard something like that. Sometimes Phil would talk to him and Dan would nod along and make all the right noises at the right times without really listening, and then barely remembering what they had talked about in the first place. Phil’s parents coming, that sounded familiar. 

“They’d really like to meet you.“

Dan stilled instantly. 

“Why?“

“Because you’re my boyfriend? They’ve been bugging me about this for quite a while now and I’ve always fought them off, but you’d make them really happy if you would meet them.“

Swallowing harshly, Dan pressed his face against the fabric of Phil’s jumper, mumbling his concerns into the knitted wool. “What if they don’t like me?“

Phil snorted and affectionately ruffled Dan’s hair. 

“They’re going to like you a lot. I don’t think you’ve realized it quite yet, but you’re very lovable, Dan.“

Huffing at being called lovable, Dan glared up at his boyfriend, half of his face still hidden away. 

“What if they think I’m too young for you?“

“You’re worrying too much about this, darling. If your parents managed to accept me as your boyfriend, I doubt my parents will have a problem with you. You don’t have to meet them though if you really don’t want to.“

“Can I think about it?“

“Of course.“

Phil leaned down and pressed a kiss on the top of Dan’s head, his brown hair slightly tickling his nose and smelling like coconut.   
___

Dan did end up meeting the Lester family the following weekend, and he was a nervous mess as he did so. He’d chewed Phil’s ears off for two days while thinking about what to wear, and on Saturday he was convinced that his hair looked like a complete mess, going as far as washing it a second time to straighten it again to make it look better, which according to Dan hadn’t worked. Phil on the other hand thought that Dan looked just fine, but as he tried to tell him that, Dan scoffed at him to stop lying. 

They met Phil’s parents, his brother and his brother’s girlfriend at a quaint restaurant that Phil knew Dan liked, to hopefully put him at ease. Not only did his younger boyfriend dread the idea of meeting Phil’s parents, but Halloween was coming closer and Phil noticed the way Dan would sometimes stare at food and eat it very carefully or hesitate before taking a sip out of a glass, not only when they were in public but also at home. It hurt to see that, but Phil understood why Dan did it. 

Although having warned his parents that Dan was shy and asked them to not come on too strong right from the start like he knew they sometimes tended to, his mum immediately met Dan with a hug. Phil would have laughed at the startled expression on Dan’s face had he not felt sorry for him. 

When dinner was over and they were back home in their flat, Dan looked over at Phil and asked: „Did I do good?“

“Did you do good?“ Phil asked amused, before shaking his head in disbelief about how little confidence Dan sometimes had in himself. “They loved you, Dan. Mum looked at you half the time as if she wanted to scoop you up and bring you home to bake you cookies. And Martyn doesn’t share those embarrassing childhood stories with just anyone.“ 

Dan blushed at that and smiled. “I’m glad. I liked them too. Your family’s really lovely, Phil.“

He hadn’t realized until then that it had worried him in the first place, but at that moment all Phil’s concerns about how the evening could have gone wrong fell off of him and he could breathe deeply for the first time today.   
___

On October 31st, Dan was skittish. He flinched away when Phil simply rested his head on Dan’s shoulder. When he drank something, it only was allowed to come out of bottles. The food he ate had to be entirely prepared by him. He’d apologize to Phil for the most trivial things, and then he’d apologize for apologizing. In the end Phil had to call PJ over as Dan was working himself up to a panic attack that Phil couldn’t help him with, simply because Dan didn’t want him to come closer. Dan didn’t stay the night. 

When he came home the next morning, the bags under Dan’s eyes were prominent. Phil was sitting on the couch, watching some morning TV and drinking a cup of coffee, and Dan laid down with his head in Phil’s lap and sighed contently when Phil started carding his fingers through his hair. 

“Didn’t sleep well,“ Dan murmured and closed his eyes, the soft touch offering comfort he wished so badly he could have accepted the previous night. “Missed you.“

“I missed you too,“ Phil answered quietly. Minutes later Dan fell asleep, his breathing evening out. Phil watched the way Dan’s eyelids fluttered a bit and how his chest rose and fell. He looked so vulnerable and beautiful. Phil wanted to make sure that no one would ever hurt him again.  
___

November brought freezing cold air but barely any snow to the streets of London. Dan spent many days hauled up in the library studying for his classes. Sometimes PJ would be with him to study as well, sometimes Phil would come by to offer him some silent company. Most nights when Dan came home, Phil was already in bed as he had to get up early for his job the next day, and Dan would find dinner on the stove. Whenever Phil went to bed before Dan did, he chose his own bed, not because he didn’t want to share a bed with Dan but because he wasn’t sure if Dan would want to share a bed with Phil that night. Dan didn’t really like when the other side of his bed was empty these days. He’s gotten so used to Phil’s warm body next to his, an anchoring arm wrapped around Dan that was there to protect him from all evil. He missed the good night kisses and hushed conversations while drifting off to sleep. 

Today had been a particularly busy day and Dan had only had time to talk to Phil for about ten minutes on the phone. Phil had sounded tired, work at the BBC apparently being very draining in November as there was an extra amount of work due to Christmas being close. When Dan got home shortly before Midnight, all the lights in their apartment were turned off. Phil was asleep already. On the stove there was some chicken curry and rice waiting for Dan with a sweet note left behind from Phil and a crooked heart drawn at the bottom of it. After having dinner while watching some Youtube videos, Dan took a shower and brushed his teeth, and after that he went to bed. He’d have to get up for uni in less than seven hours so he really needed sleep. 

The sheets were cold against his body, and Dan couldn’t seem to fall asleep. He shuffled around to get more comfortable, rolled from one side to the other, from his stomach to his back, but no matter what position he was lying in, he just couldn’t get comfortable. What he really wanted was to rest his head on a t-shirt clad upper body, taking in the familiar smell of safety with each breath, not on some pillow that faintly smelled of detergent and hair spray. Half an hour after going to bed, Dan was still wide awake. 

If he wanted to, he could just get up and walk into the other room to Phil. He could crawl under Phil’s duvet and cuddle close to the older man. Phil could wrap his arms around him and his heartbeat could lull Dan to sleep. Would Phil be okay with Dan sneaking into his room in the middle of the night? He knew that the only reason Phil wasn’t here with him right now was that he respected Dan enough to keep his distance in case Dan needed it. But Dan didn’t need distance. He wanted for Phil to be close to him right now more than anything. With a sigh, he untangled himself from his duvet and got out of bed. 

Phil wouldn’t mind, right? 

Dan had only been in Phil’s room a couple of times, even after living with him for over a year. Sometimes they would lie in bed and watch TV, but most times Dan preferred to watch TV in the lounge. As stupid as it was, he still vividly remembered that time he had found Phil’s toys in the walk-in closet and how Phil had stood over him intimidatingly as he had caught him. Dan knew now that Phil had never meant him any harm, but that moment had frightened him enough to still be timid about entering Phil’s room up to this day. 

Unlike Dan, Phil didn’t have a nightlight in his room. Unlike Dan, he didn’t need it. Unlike Dan, he didn’t wake up and panic if he couldn’t see who the person lying beside him was. 

So Phil’s room was dark except for the moonlight coming in through the window. He was almost entirely hidden under his duvet, only his head and his left foot sticking out. His mouth was open and his face relaxed. 

Dan swallowed as he watched him sleep. He left the door to Phil’s room open behind him and walked over to the bed, where he sat down on the edge of the mattress carefully. Phil didn’t move. So Dan lay down next to him with slow movements as to not stir him awake, and he shuffled closer to get under the covers himself. 

“Dan?“ Phil’s sleepy voice broke the silence in the room and Dan froze. Shit, he had woken him up. Would he be mad? Suddenly Dan wasn’t so sure anymore if he was really that welcome in Phil’s room. His stupid doubts, always coming back at the most unnecessary times. 

Phil turned to his nightstand and Dan had to squint as he turned on his bedside lamp, the sudden light too bright for Dan’s eyes. 

“What are you doing?“ Dan asked as Phil rolled back around to cuddle up to Dan. 

Before Dan got an answer, a pair of soft and slightly chapped lips was pressed against his forehead for a short kiss. 

“Your nightlight,“ Phil murmured, words slurred and very tired-sounding. “G’night.“

Dan smiled at that as a feeling of warmth bloomed in his chest.

“Good night. I love you.“ 

___

Phil was good in everything really, but he was particularly skilled in giving blowjobs. His lips wrapped around Dan’s dick felt like heaven and he knew how to push all the right buttons to turn Dan on. It came as a real surprise though when the pad of Phil’s fingers ghosted over Dan’s hole. Dan tried to wriggle away from it, but with his cock in Phil’s mouth that didn’t work as planned. Phil released him and pressed a few soft kisses to Dan’s pelvis. 

“Not going to finger you. I don’t even have lube,“ he whispered against Dan’s skin, “I’m just looking for-“ Phil trailed off as his finger wandered away from Dan’s hole upward. He gently started to massage Dan’s perineum and the younger man gasped in pleasure before looking at him slack-jawed.

“There we go, found your prostate,“ Phil grinned up at him, before quickly taking Dan’s cock back into his mouth. 

Dan keened at the feeling of a mouth around his dick and the pressure of a finger against his prostate. He knew that if Phil’s finger was inside of him, massaging his prostate from the inside, the feeling would be ten times more intense and for a split second he contemplated asking Phil to just finger him already. But then he quickly got rid of that thought as Phil did that thing with his tongue that he knew drove Dan insane, and Dan bit on his lower lip to stop himself from moaning too loudly.   
___

“Well someone’s in a good mood today,“ Phil laughed as Dan came home on Wednesday evening and greeted him with an enthusiastic kiss on the lips. “Had a good session with Ms. Naruse?“

“She says she thinks it’s time that we meet once or twice a month instead of every week.“ Dan’s entire face was glowing with happiness as he told the news. 

“That’s amazing!“ Phil agreed as Dan laced their fingers together. 

“I’ve been spending almost every Wednesday for two years at her office. What am I going to do with so much free time now on my Wednesday evenings?“

“We could have date nights for example.“

Dan’s grin got only bigger with that suggestion. “That sounds like a great plan.“

Phil fingered Dan the first time after their second Wednesday date night. He went slow and gave him all the time he needed, and when Dan asked him to stop, he did just that immediately. And when Dan asked him to continue again after he had calmed down his racing heartbeat, Phil did so reluctantly. And after Dan came all over himself, Phil wiped away his cum and cleaned Dan carefully, before Dan sucked him off and swallowed every drop of his cum. They fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms shortly after that. Leaving the warm bed that Thursday morning when his alarm bell rang was one of the hardest things Phil had to do.   
___

Phil had noticed that Dan was on edge for a few days now, but whenever he asked him about it, his boyfriend brushed it off. He barely managed to sit still, and when he did sit down for a few minutes, he was constantly fiddling with something. The salt and pepper shakers on the dining table, the panda bear plushy Phil had bought him that day at the zoo when they were sitting on the couch, the hem of his t-shirt when nothing else was in his reaching distance. Phil was sure that while Dan was sitting on the toilet these days, he was probably fiddling with the toilet paper the entire time. He was convinced that it couldn’t be a bad thing though that had Dan so worried, or else he would have already confided in him. Or at least Phil hoped that Dan trusted him enough these days to do so. 

“Is the mulled wine ready?“ Dan asked as he came into the kitchen. He sniffed the air and let out a satisfied sigh. “It smells great in here.“

The cookies they had baked earlier today had already cooled off and were in a red cookie jar, and the presents were already waiting under the Christmas tree. Tomorrow morning Phil would drive Dan home to his family for the Christmas holidays before driving up north to his own family, so they had decided on spending the evening exchanging presents and watching Christmas movies. 

“It should be done now, yes.“ 

Phil got two mugs out of the cupboard and poured the hot drink into them. Steam was rising from the mugs as he grabbed them and carried them into the lounge, Dan trailing behind him with the cookie jar. 

It was a good evening. They started it by watching ‘Love Actually‘ and although they both knew almost the entire movie word for word, Dan still teared up slightly at the end. 

“I just love those movies that have many stories somehow connected with each other,“ he justified himself as the credits rolled. “Should we do the presents now?“

Phil agreed with him, and they sat down on the floor in front of the Christmas tree. They had made an agreement that neither would spend too much money on the other, had agreed on a budget so to say. Phil would have loved to spend more money on Dan, but the younger one was still a University student with no steady income so that seemed to be a reasonable idea. 

They exchanged their presents and unwrapped them, and thank you’s and kisses were exchanged under their tree. Dan still seemed to harbour that nervous energy, and with every passing minute he got more fidgety. 

“There’s one more present I have for you. I need to get it from my room, though.“ 

Phil watched as Dan scrambled up from the floor and left the lounge in a hurry, the DVD box of that anime he had meant to watch for a while now that Dan had given him as a gift still in his hands. What kind of present could this be that Dan had hidden it away in his room instead of placing it under the tree with all the other presents? 

When Dan came back, his hands were empty. He was playing with the hem of his Christmas jumper and biting his lip as he came closer. There was a gift bow wrapped around his neck. 

“Dan?“ Phil asked, confused. 

The younger man stood before him with red cheeks and looked at the floor, avoiding eye-contact. 

“I- I’m the last present.“

Phil’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Don’t get me wrong, you’re the best present life has given me, but I don’t think I entirely understand what you mean.“

That’s when Dan’s eyes finally met his, and they were sparkling with determination and a hint of fear. 

“I want to have sex with you, Phil.“


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your lovely comments, I'm glad you liked the last chapter! I wasn't even aware that I've left the last chapter on a cliffhanger, here have a new one to make up for it. I'm doing NaNoWriMo this month, that's why the updates might come more often from now on. :D Hope you enjoy. :) x

“I want to have sex with you, Phil.“

The words were easier to say than Dan had expected. Of course he was scared. He was really fucking scared. Just the idea of being that intimate with someone again, of possibly having another body lying on top of his, made him uneasy, but he had wanted this for so long. He wanted to finally feel Phil inside him. He wanted to have sex with him like normal couples did. He wanted to be as close to Phil as physically possible. That thought was scary and it had taken a lot of courage for Dan to make this decision, but what really had made him ready to take this next step was the fact that with Phil, everything had been scary at one point. Living with Phil had been scary. Sleeping in the room next to Phil’s had been scary. Receiving a hug, getting a kiss, allowing Phil to get to know him. It all had made Dan feel scared and helpless at one point, and now he was sharing a bed with Phil, craved his soft and soothing touch and lived for his gentle kisses. He wanted to take this next step more than anything because with Phil, it might not be so scary after all.

Phil was staring up at him from where he was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree with disbelieve. 

“Are you sure about this, Dan? Because we don’t have to do this unless you want it one hundred percent.“

Smiling encouragingly at Phil - and really, why was Dan smiling encouragingly when he was the one who needed encouragement the most? - Dan kneeled down in front of him and leaned forward to press a short kiss to Phil’s lips. 

“I’m as sure as I can be.“ 

Dan felt just as flustered as Phil looked. He watched as Phil bit his lower lip, obviously thinking Dan’s offer through, and wondered how such a gentle person could be a dominant. If he had never seen the other side of Phil before, he wouldn’t have believed that Phil had it in him. 

“We’ll play some more games like we planned to and we’ll see what happens after that, okay? I don’t want our first time together to feel forced.“

Phil took Dan’s hands and laced their fingers together, squeezing them lightly. He leaned his forehead against Dan’s, close enough now that all Dan could see was the blue of his eyes. 

“This is not me rejecting you. You understand that, right? This is me saying if you’re ready, I’m too, but let’s lead up to this naturally.“ 

A quick kiss was pressed to Dan’s lips before Phil pulled back again and held up the boxset of the anime Dan had bought him. 

“How about we watch an episode of this and play Jenga or Scrabble or something?“

Dan nodded, the bow around his neck feeling like an anchor pulling him to the bottom of the ocean now, drowning him. Phil had said this wasn’t a rejection, but Dan still felt rejected and embarrassed. He’d been thinking about this for so long, had been so nervous about the offer, had thought that it would be the best present he could give to Phil. He silently wondered if he had shown up with the bracelet Phil had gotten him around his wrist and ready to submit, if Phil had reacted differently. If he would have taken him to the bedroom straight away. 

“You’re as easy to read as an open book,“ Phil sighed and ruffled Dan’s hair. “You have no idea how much I appreciate what you’re doing here for me, but I want this to be amazing for the both of us. If it happens tonight, it happens tonight. If it happens a month from now, that’s okay too. Just because you’re ready doesn’t mean that we have to do it right now. The greatest thing about this present is the trust you’re showing me. And that makes me really happy.“ 

“Promise?“ Dan asked, trying to swallow down the bitterness he felt.

“I promise,“ Phil answered. 

Dan beat Phil at Jenga after that multiple times, and then at Scrabble too. When he suggested playing Mario Kart after that, Phil only agreed half-heartedly because he knew that he didn’t have a chance against Dan in that game either. To both their surprise, Phil did manage to win against him three times, but that was more luck than anything. 

The bow around Dan’s neck had been discarded on the floor with the rest of the wrapping paper. They’d clean that up tomorrow morning before driving to their families. The mulled wine was long gone and so were the cookies, and the feeling of sleep slowly settled in their bones and made their eyes drift shut when watching ‘Home Alone‘. They didn’t have sex that night, instead they cuddled in bed and Phil fell asleep almost instantly, before Dan even had the chance to start kissing his neck or ghost his fingers over Phil’s dick. Of course Dan felt slightly relieved that tonight was not the night he had sex with Phil, and he could finally fully relax for the first time, a knot having formed in his left shoulder from how tense he had been all day that he’d have to work out first thing tomorrow morning. But he had also looked forward to this in a way, knowing that with Phil it would have been perfect. The disappointment outweighed the relief.  
___

“Would you like to come in for a drink, Phil?“ Dan’s mother offered but Phil declined. He still had quite a trip ahead of him and he didn’t want to arrive at his parent’s place too late. 

Mrs. Howell bid him goodbye before carrying Dan’s bag inside, leaving the couple alone in the driveway. 

“I’ll see you in a few days?“ Dan asked with a frown. He didn’t like the idea of spending Christmas alone, but both of them had wanted to see their families over the holidays and that meant that being separated was the only option for them. 

“I’ll come pick you up.“ Phil stepped closer and placed a short kiss on Dan’s lips. “I miss you already.“

“Drive carefully and tell your family I said hi.“

One more quick kiss and whispered I love you’s were exchanged, and Phil got into the car and drove off. Dan watched until he couldn’t see him anymore before going inside, leaving the cold behind. His nose and cheeks were red and the air outside smelled of snow. According to the weather forecast, they would be getting a white Christmas this year which would be nice. 

Dan’s mother was in the kitchen, his father would be coming home from his job in the evening. 

“You’re looking good,“ she smiled as he walked in, “it looks like he’s taking good care of you.“

“He’s really good to me.“

Mrs. Howell looked up from where she was emptying the dishwasher. Maybe it was a mother’s instinct, or maybe it was the slight bitterness in Dan’s voice that made her alarm bells ring. “Is something wrong?“

Dan shrugged his shoulders as he got a glass from the cupboard and poured himself some orange juice. Was something wrong? There was definitely something wrong with him. There was nothing wrong with Phil. He wasn’t entirely sure what was going on himself, so how could he possibly explain it to his mother?

“Sometimes I feel like Phil might be too perfect?“ 

Dan closed his eyes and shook his head, hoping that such a useless gesture could help him sort out his thoughts. He couldn’t find better words to describe what was bothering him. Wasn’t it ironic? He loved to write and toy with words, but he couldn’t find the right ones to describe his own feelings. 

His mother looked relieved, almost as if she’d been worried Phil might not treat him right. As if Phil of all people would ever do something like that. 

“That’s nothing bad though, love.“ 

Dan toyed with the screw cap of the box of orange juice before closing it again. 

“I guess you’re right. I’ll go and unpack my stuff.“  
___

Spending time with family was great. Phil was a good cook, but he would never be able to beat Dan’s mum and Dan got to see his grandma and his aunts and uncles and all the family members he didn’t care all too much about again. His bed felt cold and empty though and the heat of his laptop as he was skyping with Phil when going to bed wasn’t able to replace Phil either. So when Phil finally picked Dan up and they drove back to London, Dan clung to Phil like a wet t-shirt to skin. He had missed his scent and his touch and the sound of his voice had sounded wrong over the phone. Dan hadn’t realized it before, but over time he had really become codependent on Phil. Phil was now a permanent part of him, and Dan never wanted to let him go ever again. 

If he could be just as perfect for Phil as Phil was for him. 

“We’re going to be late, Dan!“ Phil screamed through their apartment. He was leaning against the entrance door, already wearing his shoes and coat and casting worried glances at his phone as he watched the minutes tick by. 

“We’re always late, it’s not like any of our friends aren’t used to it already,“ Dan answered from the bathroom where he was trying to fix his fringe. "Besides, it's a New Year's Eve party. As long as we show up before midnight, we're on time." 

“No, you’re always late. I would be perfectly on time if it wasn’t for you always getting ready last minute.“

Dan almost tripped down the few stairs to the entrance hall and quickly put on his shoes. He grabbed his coat and checked one final time if his phone and his wallet were in his back pockets before following Phil out of their flat. They were almost running to the nearest Underground station and when they finally got on the train in the last second, both of them were out of breath. 

“Here’s a New Year’s resolution, let’s do sport.“

Snorting, Dan shook his head. “Forget it. That’s been my resolution for like the last ten years now, and I didn’t go for a run once.“

“We could sign up at a gym together.“

“Phil, no.“

Phil poked Dan’s stomach, although the younger man couldn’t feel it through the jacket he was wearing. 

“I’m sure it would be good for the both of us.“

“Are you implying that I should lose some weight?“

“No, I like your soft tummy. It’s comfortable to rest my head on,“ Phil teased.

“My tummy’s not soft at all, shut up.“

Phil grinned and pinched Dan’s left cheek. “Your tummy is soft and your cheeks are squishy and I like them both a lot.“

Muttering under his breath that his cheeks weren’t squishy at all, thank you very much, Dan turned his head away, face red from the cold, Phil’s pinching fingers and embarrassment. Dan took a look at his reflection in the carriage window, his eyes stopping at his stomach. There had been a time that he had been trying to keep his body in form. He’d never had a six-pack or anything, but he’d wanted to look good. That had stopped the day he’d been captured. He hadn’t let himself go, but he hadn’t exactly tried to keep his body in good shape either after that. He was average-sized, or so he would at least call himself. He wasn’t all muscles but neither was Phil. But Phil was someone who had the chance to pick the people he wanted to be with, someone who was sought after. Dan had only met two people that had submitted to Phil before. They had both been smaller than him with a petite body. Dan was even taller than Phil, if only by a little. He had no idea if he was what Phil really liked. It had been Phil though who had approached Dan that first night at the Dungeon, so there must have been something he had seen in Dan that he had liked, right? Why else would he have approached him?

Dan jumped slightly as Phil nudged him gently. 

“Time to stop daydreaming, we need to get off the train.“  
___

PJ’s flat was packed to the brim with people and Dan vaguely remembered how last year that had been his and Phil’s apartment. Cleaning up had been a nightmare. There were almost too many people surrounding him, and his cup was filled with Sprite that he had found in PJ’s cupboard still sealed. God knows where Phil was, Dan had last seen him twenty minutes ago talking to someone he didn’t know.

“Dan, how are you man?“

Turning around, Dan was hugged by a guy that smelled like alcohol and that he only vaguely remembered seeing in some lectures before and maybe having gone out with to a party at the start of his university life. He didn’t remember his name and he definitely didn’t want to be touched by this guy, and he didn’t feel like talking either. It was half past 9 p.m., only two and a half more hours until midnight. Hopefully Phil would agree to leave right after, because quite frankly Dan couldn’t wait to get back to the quiet sanctuary of their shared apartment. For now he had to try and get rid of this clingy drunk guy he barely knew to find a quiet spot in PJ’s flat to flee to and wait and watch as the minutes passed by. 

Phil was meanwhile sitting on the couch and talking to an acquaintance. He shouldn’t have been surprised to find some people from the Dungeon at this party since PJ was still a regular there, but he had expected this to be more of a student party. The man he was talking to was called Tony and was a submissive that he had scened with at the Dungeon three times, the last time shortly after meeting Dan. From what Phil remembered, he had been into edge play and degradation. Now he had an exclusive dominant that he scened with, and he talked about him with such affection that Phil couldn’t help but smile. That fondness he saw in the man’s eyes when talking about his partner was the fondness Phil felt when talking about Dan. He wondered if Tony and his dominant were romantically involved with each other as well, and if not, how much longer it would take until they would be. 

“But don’t you ever miss the scene?“ Tony asked before taking a sip from his drink. Phil mirrored him. His cup was filled with water, not alcohol. He told himself that it was because he didn’t feel like getting drunk, but deep down he knew it was so he could keep a look out for Dan. Many people in a tight space were one thing, but if Dan found out that he was in a flat that was partly filled with dominants things might turn ugly. Just because he trusted Phil enough at this point didn’t mean that other dominants would make him feel at ease as well. Phil had earned that trust over the the last two years after all.

“I mean you were in the scene quite long. You were popular. Don’t you just want to go back to the Dungeon sometimes and dominate someone again? It’s a shame the scene has lost you.“

Phil hid his frown behind the paper cup. 

“Of course I miss it. It’s like a scratch that I can’t itch, but I love my partner and he’s just not really into it.“

“Where is your partner anyway? I’d like to see the man that stole Phil Lester from the BDSM scene.“

Phil looked around the crowded living room. As far as he could see - which admittedly wasn’t very far - Dan wasn’t here. Maybe he should go and look for him after this conversation was over. So Phil got out his phone and showed Tony his lock screen that was a picture of Dan and him that PJ had taken when they went bowling recently. 

Tony paled. 

“What did you say your boyfriend’s name was again?“

“His name’s Dan.“

“As in Dan Howell?“

“You know him?“

“Everybody at the Dungeon knew about him after the kidnapping. One of our own being kidnapped by someone else from the Dungeon? It was a big scandal. The Dungeon was even closed for two days due to investigations. How did you meet him of all people?“

“We met at the Dungeon.“

“But you moved to London after-“ Tony’s eyes widened as he realized what that implied, “he went to the Dungeon again after the kidnapping?“

“PJ asked him to come.“

“I didn’t know that they knew each other.“

“They are best friends actually.“

Tony nodded thoughtfully. He was obviously still taken aback by what he had just learned. Phil really wanted to change the topic of conversation now. Or even better just get up from the couch and search for Dan to make sure that he was alright. 

“How’s he doing?“

“Hm?“

Having been lost in thought wondering how Dan was doing, Phil hadn’t paid any attention to what the submissive next to him had said. 

“Dan, how’s he doing? I’ve never met him but I’ve heard that things with him were pretty bad after the kidnapping. That he was found malnourished, chained up in the basement of that pervert.“

It wasn’t Phil’s place to talk about Dan’s well-being, but Tony seemed genuinely curious so he assured him that Dan was fine. When Tony tried to pry further, Phil was about to politely tell him to stop sticking his nose in other people’s businesses when Tony said something that caught his attention. 

“I’ve scened with his kidnapper too, you know? He started coming to the Dungeon in May. We had one scene together, but I just felt like we didn’t really work well with each other. He wouldn’t work with my requests and ignored one of my hard limits. By July he was monitored closely by the Dungeon guards, but he seemed to behave himself and so by September they left him alone again. I always thought he was sleazy. There was too much sweet-talking. But I never expected something like that to happen. When I saw his face stare back at me from the morning newspaper the day after they had found Dan, I was less surprised than I should have been.“

Hearing all of that was like a punch to the guts for Phil. Dan’s kidnapper had been monitored before already? People had known that he wasn’t a good dominant? People had known all along? Until now Phil had always thought that Dan’s kidnapper had been flying under the radar, but if others had been aware of his inabilities to be a good dominant, how had no one tried to intervene? He had never blamed the Dungeon before for what had happened because Dan had consensually gone home with the man, but if they had been aware of what was going on, how could they have let that happen? Why did no one ever put a stop to it? Everything could have been prevented. 

“So how did you guys meet exactly at the Dungeon?“

“He still wore a submissive bracelet when he was there and I didn’t know who he was. I approached him asking if he was looking for a dominant to scene with.“ Phil scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “To be fair I was acting like a complete asshole at the beginning. I’ve heard of the case, of course I did, it was heavily talked about in the Manchester scene as well, but I had never known that it was Dan who had been the victim.“

Tony laughed and shook his head. “You, an asshole? I can’t imagine that. You sure can be scary when you’re dominating, but you’re such a lovely person.“

“No really, I was quite the dick. I thought he was just someone who wanted to see the scene but was being an asshole about it afterwards, but in reality he was just acting rude because he was scared and what did I do? I threatened to put him into a cage and teach him some manners.“

The submissive next to him winced. “Not the right words to say to someone who had been kidnapped.“

“I know that now too, thank you.“ 

“But it all worked out?“

Phil smiled to himself. “It did.“ 

They talked for a bit longer and exchanged phone numbers to maybe stay in touch - it was the kind of number in his mobile phone Phil knew he’d never contact unless being contacted first - and Phil excused himself to go look for Dan. 

It was 10 p.m. and the flat was packed to the brim with people. It was loud, so loud that you almost couldn’t hear the music playing in the background. The air was stuffy and no matter where Phil looked, he couldn’t find Dan. PJ had no clue where he was, too preoccupied with drinking games. His girlfriend hadn’t seen him either. Other than that, Phil didn’t think that anyone else in this flat knew Dan, and suddenly he realized that maybe letting Dan out of sight had been a really bad idea. How could he have been so stupid? With every passing second Phil became more frantic. The flat wasn’t small but it wasn’t too big either and there weren’t many places for a man that was 6’3’’ tall to hide. He wasn’t in the kitchen. He wasn’t in the living room. The bedroom had been locked from the outside by PJ and Dan didn’t wait in the queue for the bathroom either. 

“Phil?“ 

Phil turned around when his name was called, but it wasn’t the person he wanted to see calling for him. It was Tony again, waving his hands frantically as he tried to jostle his way through the people, pushing some of them away carelessly. When he was by Phil’s side, he was slightly out of breath. 

“You might want to come outside with me, mate.“

Dan was sitting on the dirty ground outside PJ’s building, next to the people smoking. That’s how Tony had found him, by going out for a smoke himself. He was sitting there, back against the wall, knees drawn to his chest and face hidden behind his knees. His white-knuckled hands were trembling. The feeling of guilt for leaving Dan alone only to find him in the cold wearing nothing more but a shirt, hiding away from the world, almost knocked Phil over. 

“What are you doing on the ground, love?“ Phil asked as he kneeled down in front of him. He wasn’t sure yet if it was alright to touch. 

His boyfriend’s head shot up. His eyes were glassy. Phil cautiously touched Dan’s upper arm to offer comfort.

“You’re freezing,“ he murmured, just loud enough for only Dan to hear over the noises of the London street. “Did something happen?“

Dan shook his head. 

“I just got a little overwhelmed,“ he answered, voice small from embarrassment. “It was too loud and too crowded and all just a bit too much.“

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.“ 

“No, don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. You don’t have to look after me all the time.“

Phil pulled Dan into a hug. “You’re shivering. Do you want to go back inside?“

He felt Dan shake his head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry, but I’d rather go home now.“

“Of course, just let me get our jackets and we’ll be on our way.“

Shaking his head again, this time vehemently, Dan grabbed Phil’s arm as the older man was about to stand up. 

“You don’t have to leave with me. I don’t mind if you stay longer.“

Phil kneeled back down on the cold ground, holding Dan’s face in his hands. He pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s nose. 

“Don’t be silly. Where else would I want to be?“

“Go get your jackets, Phil, I’ll wait with him,“ Tony piped in and Phil reluctantly let go of Dan again. His boyfriend’s cheeks were freezing cold, he must have been sitting outside for quite a while now. Phil thanked Tony for the offer and turned to Dan to quickly introduce them to each other, leaving out the small detail of how he had met Tony.

Phil returned from PJ’s apartment in record time. He had tried to spot either him or his girlfriend to say goodbye, but could find neither of them in the short time he spent looking. A message once they got home would do, neither of them would probably notice that they were gone anyway. 

After saying goodbye to Tony, who had promised to stay in touch with Phil, they made their way back to the tube. The streets were filled with happy people, drunk people, people that were on their way to spend the night with friends or family or loved ones. 

“I’m sorry for ruining your New Year’s Eve,“ Dan said quietly. His head was lowered and he had his hands in the pockets of his jacket. Phil wasn’t sure if he was hiding them because he was cold or because he didn’t want to hold hands with him right now. 

“You didn’t ruin anything,“ he tried to assure his boyfriend. “We still have a bottle of sparkling wine that we can open and we can watch a movie or play some games. To be honest I prefer a quiet night with you over a crowded party with tons of strangers around.“

Dan looked at him doubtfully. 

“Are you serious?“

“I guess I’m getting old,“ Phil joked. If he had to choose between a night out or a night at home with Dan, he was sure that he would always pick a night at home with his boyfriend. He’d been in love before, but he’d never felt this way about someone in his life. Dan was different from anyone he’d ever known. He was gentle and thoughtful and he made Phil feel genuinely loved. 

“Games and sparkling wine sound good,“ Dan said with a soft smile. 

Phil couldn’t really tell how games and sparkling wine turned into Dan straddling him on the couch and heatedly making out with him. No, actually he knew exactly how it had happened. He’d kept winning whatever game they played while Dan didn’t win once and Dan had been insistent on starting to distract Phil to make him lose his concentration. It had started with soft kisses to his neck and teasing touches. When Dan had lost again and started petting Phil’s dick over his jeans, Phil had carefully pulled his boyfriend on his lap. Minutes later they were both hard and panting heavily, Phil’s fingers grazing Dan’s nipples over the fabric of his shirt. 

“What are we doing?“ Phil asked as Dan’s lips grazed his neck, biting and sucking on his skin, leaving marks on his collar bone that could be hidden by a t-shirt. 

“Want to go to bed?“ Dan mouthed those words along Phil’s body, his lips hot on Phil’s skin, so hot that it felt like they’d burn the words right into this flesh. “I’d really like to go to the bedroom with you.“

As if to make his words more believable Dan moved his hips, his erection pressing against Phil’s. Phil swallowed. He agreed with Dan, the bedroom sounded like a good place right now. If Dan was smaller, he’d pick him up and carry him there himself while they’d make out. Unfortunately Dan wasn’t smaller, and so they awkwardly stumbled down the hallway with their lips never really leaving the other’s, hands roaming, losing their shirts and socks and trousers along the way. They fell into Dan’s bed in only their boxershorts, Phil on top of Dan. For a short second Dan’s heart jolted in panic, but then he looked up and saw Phil, Phil who even though clearly aroused still looked at him with so much care and gentleness that instead of feeling fear by having the older man on top of him, Dan felt warmth and safety. Warm and safe and goddamn horny.

Phil was trailing kisses along Dan’s body as the younger man reached over to his nightstand and opened the top drawer. He couldn’t see inside, but he knew exactly where he had put the lube and condom the day he and Phil had celebrated Christmas together. He took out the objects with shaking fingers, Phil still occupied with kissing his stomach and roaming his hands up and down Dan’s thighs. Dan quickly closed the drawer again. Both condom and lube had been lying on top of the box that held the bracelet Phil had given him as a gift and the negotiation sheets. Those Phil didn’t need to see. 

“Phil,“ Dan murmured and his boyfriend looked up at him, a look of surprise crossing his face when he saw the objects that Dan was holding up in his hand. 

“Are you sure?“ His voice was husky from arousal.

Dan nodded.

Of course he wasn’t one-hundred percent sure, but he’d never be He needed to do this. Not just for Phil, but for himself as well. 

“I’m sure.“

Both men could hear Dan’s voice shake. Trying to smile encouragingly, Dan nodded one more time to assure Phil that he really meant it. He did. He not only needed this, he wanted this. He wanted this more than anything. 

“We can stop at any time.“ 

“I know th-“

Phil shushed him before Dan could finish his sentence, looking so serious that it took Dan by surprise. 

“I mean it. One word from you and we’ll stop or take a break. Whatever you need. I want this to be perfect for you.“

Blushing at those words, Dan handed both the bottle of lube and the condom to Phil. Suddenly it seemed like everything they did had slowed down. Instead of being heated, the kisses shared between them were gentle. Phil’s movements were slower, more careful. His fingers didn’t just touch, they wandered. They never left Dan’s body, trailing from his ribs to his hips and exploring every inch between. Dan couldn’t lose his boxershorts fast enough but Phil pulled them down so slowly, too slowly.

Phil opened him up carefully. First one finger, then two, then some scissoring. It’s been so long since Dan had sex the last time that neither of them wanted to rush this. Phil made sure that with every thrust he would caress Dan’s prostate, making the younger man’s breath hitch each time. Dan tried to bask in that feeling, but he was so nervous that he almost couldn’t enjoy it at all. His heart was hammering against his ribcage and he was sweating. Breathing seemed harder than it usually did, his lungs not drawing in as much as air as he needed. 

“I think you’re ready,“ Phil whispered. They looked each other in the eyes and Dan nodded. He was ready, or as ready as he could ever be. 

“How do you want to do this?“ 

How did he want to do this? It was a fact that it hurt less if Dan was on his hands and knees and Phil behind him, but Dan knew he couldn’t possibly do that. He needed to see Phil when it happened, otherwise he’d never be able to have sex with him. He could ride Phil. That way Dan would be on top. He’d have the complete control over the situation, or as much control as it would allow. That wasn’t intimate though. Phil on top of him then. Missionary position. It was the most romantic. It was the most common one. Phil had been lying on top of him before without Dan freaking out. But on those occasions they both had been dressed and not about to have sex, and Phil hadn’t been lying between his legs, and if he wanted to, Phil could grab his wrists and hold him down when he was lying on top of him like that and his body would press Dan’s further into the mattress and there wouldn’t be a way for him to get-

“Dan!“

Dan snapped out of his train of thoughts, his whole torso heaving.

“I want you on top of me,“ he blurted out quickly before Phil could change his mind and deny him what he wanted so badly but was so scared of. 

“Are you sure?“ 

Phil’s fingers were drawing patterns on Dan’s pelvis and it tickled, his cock that had gone soft now twitching lightly at the touch. 

“Yes. And I’ll tell you to stop if I feel the need to.“ 

Dan grabbed Phil’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “I want this, Phil, I really do. Just go slow, please. And help me through it if it gets tough.“

“I’ll always help you through anything,“ Phil promised and leaned forward, connecting their lips for one more soft kiss before he tore the condom packet open and rolled the condom over his penis. He spread some more lube over his erection. Dan watched every single one of his movements like a hawk. This was fine. He was fine. No reason to be scared. He’s had sex before. It had been good. And then he’d had sex and it had hurt so bad. So bad. It had left tearing behind. Blood. Almost no preparation. No care. Just rough sex. In and out. No, that hadn’t been sex, Dan tried to remind himself. It had been rape. He’d never asked for it. He’d never wanted it. And it hadn’t been his fault that he had been violated. But Phil and him, they’d have sex. And sex wasn’t supposed to hurt. Sex was supposed to feel good. Tonight, Dan was ready to be reminded just how good it was supposed to be. 

Phil settled between Dan’s legs carefully. He made sure that he wasn’t pressing too much weight on Dan, holding his upper body up with one hand next to Dan’s head while he grabbed his erect cock at the base with the other hand.  
 Dan’s breath hitched as he felt the tip of Phil’s cock press against the rim of his hole. He couldn’t lie, it burned slightly as Phil pushed in millimeter for millimeter. Phil moved so slowly that Dan wasn’t even sure if he was moving at all, but then he was inside of Dan, and Dan felt so full, and his heart was still beating scarily fast. 

“Are you okay?“ Phil asked, staring at Dan intently. 

Dan didn’t know how to answer. Was he okay? He was scared. He remembered things he didn’t want to remember. Darkness. Rough hands. The pain. But he looked up and he saw Phil above him, Phil with his kind eyes and his gentle touches, and he realized that it wasn’t Phil he was scared of but the past.

“I am,“ Dan assured with a wobbly voice. His fingers were trembling and he grabbed Phil’s arms to hold on to hard enough that his fingernails left marks.

Neither of them moved after that. Phil held himself completely still and so did Dan. His cock was still soft. 

“You can-“

Too embarrassed to finish the sentence, Dan wriggled his hips slightly. Phil understood. He pulled out slowly, so slowly, and thrust back in the same speed. Looking back at it later, Dan would wonder just how much effort it had taken for Phil to keep up such a slow pace for such a long time. He kept it up for minutes, and that’s when Dan’s cock hardened. With every thrust the tip of Phil’s cock grazed his prostate, and as the nerves and the fear had finally fallen off of him, he finally felt arousal again. 

This wasn’t too bad. It certainly didn’t hurt that much. It also felt good. Was it allowed to feel good? Was Dan allowed to maybe even enjoy this? He remembered it to be so painful. How could something he had found so terrible make his cock hard now? 

Phil. 

Phil was the reason it felt good. He kept his weight off Dan. He kissed Dan softly and he kept his thrusts gentle. He hummed against Dan’s lips as Dan shyly moved his hips to meet Phil’s thrusts. And even as Dan got more demanding, Phil only picked up the speed, but never moved more forcefully.

They didn’t hear the fireworks go off at midnight, too engrossed in their own world. Suddenly Dan felt brave. He didn’t just want to lie there like a rag doll. He wanted to actively be a part of this as well. For Phil. For himself. He started moving his hands, exploring Phil’s body, scratching his back. 

“Don’t,“ Phil groaned, closing his eyes, “please, don’t make me lose my control.“ 

Dan was almost tempted to do it one more time just to hear Phil make that noise again, but he couldn’t. Phil had said don’t. It was an order that Dan didn’t dare go against. 

So yes, maybe Dan was overthinking every move he made. Maybe he couldn’t shut up his the voice in his head questioning everything he did. Maybe he wasn’t completely at ease, but he could handle this situation. This wasn’t too bad. 

Shifting around a little, he decided to wrap his legs around Phil’s hips, but Phil didn’t seem to expect that. Surprised by Dan’s movement he forgot to hold himself up and his chest crashed into Dan’s. 

And suddenly Dan wasn’t in a comfortable bed with Phil anymore. He couldn’t see, but he knew he was in the basement. The weight on top of him pressed him down, down, down and all Dan wanted was for his kidnapper to get his cock out of Dan’s ass and leave him alone. Let him go. Not again. Please not again. But something was different this time. Something was off. It didn’t hurt. There had always been pain. A whip maybe. Nipple clamps. Wire or robe or cuffs cutting into his flesh. And Dan realized that he wasn’t blindfolded, that everything was only dark because his eyes were closed. No one was inside of him anymore. Nothing was holding him down. He was being held, but it wasn’t restricting. When he tried to push away he was let go off. 

Dan’s eyelids fluttered open. It took him a moment to realize where exactly he was, what had happened. Phil was lying next to him but not touching. He looked concerned. The moment Dan saw his face, he knew that he had fucked up. He’d been lost in memories again. They’ve come so far and it had all been destroyed again because he just couldn’t hold himself together. 

Phil would never want to have sex with him again.

“Are you okay?“ Phil asked quietly. 

“I am,“ Dan answered. He didn’t know if he was telling the truth. He didn’t know if he was okay. 

“Do you want to continue?“ 

Surely Dan must have misunderstood Phil. There was no way Phil would not put a stop to what they had been doing after Dan had a flashback. This was Phil after all. 

“I promised to help you through anything, didn’t I? It’s not my decision if we continue or not, it’s yours.“

“Do you mean that?“ Dan’s voice was drenched in disbelieve, and Phil’s face softened as he nodded. “Can we maybe do something different? Like, not sex? I- I liked it, I really did. Just when you fell on top of me-“

“I’m sorry that happened.“

Dan shook his head and scooted closer to Phil, who had gotten rid of the condom while Dan had been lost in the flashback. Phil still wanted him. He didn’t push him away. It made Dan feel relieve. He wrapped a hand around Phil’s cock and coaxed it into hardness with a few strokes. 

“Is it okay if I-?“ Phil trailed off, his hand inching closer to Dan’s hips. 

“Please,“ Dan whispered.

It took longer for Dan to come than for Phil. The reminders of the flashbacks were still on his mind. But Phil guided him through it with gentle words of encouragement and soft touches. When Dan’s eyes got glassy he pressed a kiss to his nose and asked him to only focus on Phil. He promised Dan that he was safe. He assured him that he was doing incredible, and how proud Phil was of him. And when Dan finally came, Phil held him close and told him that he loved him. He cleaned them both before Dan cuddled up to him, his head resting on Phil’s chest. So maybe their first time together hadn’t worked out exactly as Dan had planned it. He felt bad about the flashback, like he somehow messed everything up, but looking back at it it hadn’t been that bad. Phil had allowed him to go on. He hadn’t rejected him. Phil had allowed him to make the decision of how they would continue, and that had meant a lot to Dan - to have the choice to say if he wanted to stop or not. Dan was sure that he wouldn’t mind having sex with Phil again. Maybe even without a panic attack next time. He’d like that. He’d love to try again if Phil would let him. 

“Happy New Year by the way,“ Phil said, sounding tired.

Dan smiled, exhausted as well. 

“Happy New Year.“

The way this year had started, panic attack excluded, made Dan want to believe that it could really be a good one.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments. :) It's now official, and this time for sure. There'll be 41 chapters, so three more left. Hope you enjoy this one. :) x

January felt like it was over in the blink of an eye and Phil’s birthday was in two days. It was ridiculous, but Dan was almost more nervous about the present he’d had for Phil’s birthday than when he had offered to have sex with Phil for Christmas.

Sex. Dan had a lot of that lately. On the kitchen counter. On the couch in the lounge. They’d spared the dining table, but any other surface in the house where Dan could sit facing Phil had already been used by them. It wasn’t always easy though. Sometimes Phil would grab Dan’s hips too roughly, or absentmindedly wrap his fingers around Dan’s wrists. One time in Dan’s bed, Phil had grabbed him by the wrist. Although he had aimed for Dan’s fingers to intertwine, Dan had immediately forgotten where he was. All he could feel was someone holding him down, and he no longer registered that it was Phil on top of him, but someone with an evil smile and the intent to hurt. He’d started thrashing around and screaming, and although Phil had let go and pulled out of Dan immediately, slowly though or else it would hurt, Dan had needed minutes to realize that it was over, that it had stopped, that he was in his own room in his own bed, not in a cold, white-tiled basement, chained to the wall. Phil hadn’t dared to have sex with him for a week after that, beating himself up for his mistake. Even though Dan had promised him that it was nothing to feel bad about, Phil hadn’t wanted to listen. Phil’s guilt had made Dan feel twice as guilty. Other than the fact that sometimes Dan still was a mess that apparently couldn’t function, the sex life was great. Their relationship was great. Phil Lester continued to be a flawless human being.

For Phil’s birthday he had decided just to celebrate with a small gathering of friends at their apartment. It had been a good evening filled with lots of laughter. When the last person had left, Dan asked Phil to sit down on the couch one more time and wait.

“I’ve got another present for you,“ he said.

Phil raised an eyebrow in curiosity. Dan had already given him his present. This felt like deja-vu. When Dan left the lounge with the instruction for Phil to wait, the seconds that passed until he returned felt like hours. Phil didn’t know what to expect, but after Dan’s Christmas present he couldn’t stop getting the image out of his head of Dan coming back into the room with the bracelet tied around his wrist. Phil shook his head. No, Dan definitely wasn’t ready for that yet. Sex had been one thing, but if Dan would offer to submit to him, Phil would flat out reject him.

He could hear Dan coming back down the hallway into the lounge and was flooded with relief to see that Dan did hold a present in his hand, wrapped in blue paper with a silver bow on top. It was the same wrapping paper that he had used for Phil’s other present. Phil wondered what was so special about it that Dan had dubbed it important enough to mark it with a bow.

“Here you go,“ Dan said, handing the present over to Phil. He was blushing. Nervous. His behaviour put Phil on edge, because what could possibly be in there to get that reaction out of Dan? He was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt again.

Phil tore the wrapping paper off to find a book beneath it. The cover was black. The back was black. The spine was black. There was nothing written on the outside.

Opening the cover, Phil’s breath hitched as he read the first page.

‘To Phil Lester’

Black letters against white paper. Phil trailed his fingers over them to make sure that they were actual ink printed on the page, not just written there with a pen.

“Dan,“ Phil said, but he didn’t know how to continue. He knew how Dan felt about his writing, knew that the younger one refused to show it to anyone. And yet, here Phil sat with a book in his hands that had been written by his boyfriend.

“It sucks,“ Dan blushed, “and it’s not actually, like, good literature, but I wanted you to have it. I finished writing it early January. It’s not edited yet, so it’s really not good or anything. And the plot sucks and it has holes in it. And sometimes I feel like I write something that only I understand, like I worry that if someone else would read it they wouldn’t understand what I was actually trying to say, you know? So, like, if it’s really bad you don’t have to waste your time on it.“

“That’s the best present I’ve ever received.“

Dan blinked at him owlishly.

“The best?“ He repeated.

“The absolute best,“ Phil assured him before leaning over and giving Dan a kiss. “Thank you.“

He turned to the next page, ready to settle down and start reading the book right now. They could clean up later, Phil would rather learn about the world that Dan had created in his mind and brought to life with his fingers.

“What are you doing?“ Dan squeaked, wrestling the book out of Phil’s hands and closing it, “don’t read it now. Actually, don’t ever read it in front of me.“

No matter how much Phil pouted and whined, Dan wouldn’t give it back to him until Phil had promised to not read it when he was with Dan. That night when Dan had fallen asleep, Phil snuck out of bed to his own room to start reading. Only when his eyes drifted shut and he realized that he couldn’t focus at all on what was happening in the story anymore did he return back to Dan’s bed, his boyfriend snuggling into him in his sleep. Phil pressed a kiss to his forehead before falling asleep himself.

___

Phil had gone to the cinema with friends for the evening and Dan had settled down at the dining table with a mug of hot chocolate and the activity sheet Phil had given him along with the leather bracelet. It wasn’t like he intended to fill it out, but he was curious as to what was on the list. He could handle this. It was fine.

Except that it wasn’t. Whips. Gags. Bondage. It was obvious that Phil had reduced the list drastically already, that he had surely taken things out of there that he would have liked to do but knew Dan simply couldn’t. And yet what had remained on the list made Dan shake and his heart race. Even the things he did leave behind were too much. Of course the list also featured trivial things like oral sex, anal sex, rimming and massages (of all things), but those were about the only things that didn’t make panic swell in Dan’s chest. He couldn’t fight the tears. This would hurt him. So many things on the list would inflict pain. In the end, Phil was still out to hurt him if Dan ever decided to submit to him. But Dan didn’t want to be hurt. He didn’t want to feel pain. All he wanted was to be loved and held and cherished. No hurting words. No hurting physical actions.

Dan wasn’t entirely sure what happened after that. The next thing he remembered was being curled up in the corner as small as possible, the sound of keys in the entrance door to their apartment, Phil’s voice, footsteps. A hand on his shoulder. More words. His cheeks were wet, why were Dan’s cheeks wet? No, he didn’t want that hand on his shoulder. He needed space to breathe. Why wouldn’t Phil back off so Dan could just breathe? He’d never finished that hot chocolate he made himself, it must be cold by now. Phil was too close. He wanted Phil far away.

Dan flinched before he realized that Phil didn’t touch him but had laid a blanket across his shoulders. He was still talking but Dan hadn’t listened to what he was saying, not because he didn’t want to. He couldn’t listen at that moment. Words were just sounds that didn’t make any sense. But now the fog seemed to clear. Phil was telling him it was alright. What was alright? Nothing was alright.

“You’re safe.“

Was he though? Was he really safe?

“Take your time. You can come back to me whenever you feel comfortable.“

Back where? Dan was right there. He blinked and his head snapped up to where Phil was looking at him, the now crinkled activity sheet lying next to them on the floor. How had it gotten there in the first place?

Phil kept his distance, but he smiled encouragingly. Or at least he looked like he tried to smile encouragingly. The corners of his lips trembled and his fists were clenched. Why was Dan on the floor again? Why was he so scared? Oh right, the list. The pain. The memories of whips and gags and bondage and pain he never wanted to experience.

A sealed water bottle stood next to Dan. He drank half of it in one go.

Slowly the world around him started to make sense again. Dan didn’t know how he had gotten into this position on the floor, but he remembered why he was there. Phil was sitting cross-legged next to him, yet far enough away as not to touch. He didn’t sit between the doorway and Dan. Somehow Dan had the feeling that this wasn’t a coincidence.

“How was the movie?“ Dan asked, his voice brittle. He rested the back of his head against the wall and stared up at the ceiling.

Phil seemed to catch on to the fact that Dan didn’t want to talk about the current position they had both found themselves in.

“It was good. There were some great puns in there. Dan-“

“Don’t,“ Dan said, interrupting Phil before he could speak further, “it’s already embarrassing enough that you had to find me on the floor. I don’t want to talk about this right now.“

“I think we need to talk about it though, love.“

“I didn’t want to fill out the list or anything. I just wanted to have a look.“

Phil scooted a bit closer, but as soon as he saw his boyfriend press further against the wall he stilled.

“What on this list was it that caused the panic attack?“

Dan lowered his eyes, considering whether or not he should tell the truth or make up a lie. Phil would probably prefer hearing the truth, but Dan knew that if he lied he’d spare his boyfriend’s feelings.

“Most of them,“ Dan admitted tremulously.

It was the inevitable truth. Just the idea of something wrapped around his wrists and restraining him made his head spin. Something inflicting pain on him. Someone willingly hurting him. Why would anyone ever want to willingly hurt him?

“You know we don’t need to have that kind of relationship,“ Phil spoke softly.

“But it’s what you want.“

Phil sighed, and Dan whimpered involuntarily. He didn’t want for Phil to get mad.

“I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again- just because I want to dominate doesn’t mean I need to dominate. Your comfort is more important than my needs.“

“Promise?“

“Of course I promise, you dork.“

Dan nodded and slowly began to uncurl himself. His body hurt from the position he had been in and he groaned as his left knee cracked. The back of his head hurt as well. He must have hit it against the wall at one point that he couldn’t really remember. Phil kept still next to him and watched silently, the crumpled pieces of paper still in his hand.

“I think what scared me most is the idea of being restrained again,“ Dan murmured quietly. His shoulders hurt from how tense he had been and now that he had allowed his muscles to relax again he felt the consequences. His jaw hurt too from where he had clenched his teeth together during the panic attack. It was an uncomfortable dull pain. “Because there’s no way to escape, you know? When there’s something around your wrists, there’s no way out of it. I’d be at your mercy.“

Dan watched as Phil’s face fell at his words, implying so heavily that although he trusted Phil, he still didn’t trust him, at least not enough to not lose control and put Dan back into the place he still had nightmares about.

“I would never exploit you in a situation like that.“

“I know, Phil. I know, okay? But that doesn’t change that I had believed someone else before you and I’m just- I’m still scared, okay? And I know that with you I don’t have to be scared, but I still am. I think that part of me will always be scared, because as a submissive you’re helpless.“

Phil shook his head, his fingers clenching around the paper in his hand.

“You have a safeword.“

Dan wanted to laugh, but he bit his lip. He’d had his safeword before and no one had listened. How was it so hard for Phil to understand that Dan just didn’t trust the magical power of safewording anymore? That there would always be the sickening doubt in the back of his mind that maybe it would be ignored again.

“Can we drop this topic, please?“ Dan asked tiredly. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore. He didn’t want to talk about anything right now, to be honest. He’d like to wrap himself up in a blanket and read a good book, something that could take his mind off things. Escaping into the world of fiction sounded like a good option.

“Before we do, can I just show you something?“

Dan raised his eyebrows.

“Sure?“

Phil nodded and scooted away from Dan before getting up as to not tower over his boyfriend when he stood. He waved the list in his hand.

“I’m going to throw this away and get what I wanted to show you, okay? I think it would be better if you sat at the table than backed into the corner though. Can you do that for me, please? I’ll be right back.“

Dan followed Phil’s request although he would have preferred to stay hidden away in the corner of the room for just a little bit longer. Being pressed into a corner gave him a strange sense of security. Out in the open, all four of his sides were unprotected. When he was in a corner pressed against a wall though, only two of his sides wouldn’t be safe and he would see danger coming. It had been his preferred spot in the basement for two weeks, his back and side pressed against cold tiles as he nakedly waited for what was about to come.

Feeling unease as he sat down on one of their coloured chairs by the dining table, Dan nervously cracked his knuckles one after another to give himself something to do. He could hear Phil in his room and then his steps coming down the hallway back into the lounge. As soon as he saw what Phil held in his hands, he jumped out of the chair and backed away into the middle of the lounge. He should have stayed in the corner. He felt too exposed. He was too easy to attack. Phil stood between him and the hallway, the only exit to escape this room that wasn’t the window. For the first time in a long time Dan’s stomach felt heavy with the idea of Phil blocking his path to freedom. He didn’t notice as his breath sped up.

”Dan-“ Phil said quietly and took a step closer, but Dan stumbled backwards, shaking his head no. He wanted to say something, tell Phil to fuck off, to not come any closer, but his vocal cords failed him.

Phil held a pair of handcuffs in his hand. They were made out of leather, that much Dan could tell, and connected by a silver chain.

“I’m not going to make you wear them,“ Phil tried to pacify Dan, but the younger man wouldn’t listen. Hadn’t he suffered enough today already? Hadn’t one panic attack been enough? He stood in the middle of the room, watching Phil with distrustful eyes. If his boyfriend took one step closer, Dan swore he would bolt. He’d use violence if he had to if that would make him get out of the room.

Sitting down on the floor next to the dining table, Phil started tucking up the sleeves of the long button-up he was wearing and buckled one of the leather handcuffs around his left wrist, then the other with skilled fingers around his right wrist, making sure that the table leg was between to trap him to the table. It was obvious that he was a master in every move he made to secure the cuffs against his wrists. And then he sat in front of Dan handcuffed, and at that point Dan was not quite sure what was going on anymore, but the rate of his heartbeat slowed down slightly as he realized that Phil wasn’t out to handcuff him and slowly embarrassment settled in, because why would Phil do that? Still he didn’t understand why Phil had handcuffed himself in front of Dan. What was the purpose of that?

“You mentioned that you’d be helpless when you’d be restrained, but I wanted to show you that you don’t have to be. Do you want to come a bit closer?“

Dan shook his head violently. This was closer than he wanted to be to handcuffs ever again, he would not take another step forward.

“Okay, but do you have a good view on the chain? I want you to watch closely what I do next, okay?“

Phil brought his hands together. There was no way he’d be able to get out of the handcuffs like that by himself as the chain was too short to allow him to reach the buckle of the handcuffs again and Dan would surely not help him out. They’d have to call PJ over to remove the handcuffs, wouldn’t they? Phil’s fingers worked quickly again, and before Dan knew it Phil was standing up from his position on the floor, no longer trapped in place by the table leg.

“How?“ Dan asked, surprised, before he saw that the handcuffs weren’t connected by the silver chain anymore. What he hadn’t noticed before was that on both sides of the chain two clasps were attached.

“You don’t even need both of your hands to free yourself,“ Phil explained, showing that with a bit of a struggle he was even able to detach the cuff from the chain with one hand. “I just thought that maybe you’d like to see that being restrained doesn’t mean being entirely helpless. If you’d want to get back into BDSM one day, we could find a way to make you as comfortable as possible in any position.“

Dan dared to take a step closer to inspect the cuffs. They were leather on the outside and padded on the inside. They perfectly fit around Phil’s wrists, not too tight nor too loose. A phantom pain shot through Dan’s wrists where the scars of the past still marked his skin, of wire too tight and metal handcuffs too tight and burn marks of ropes he had tried to struggle against too hard. No such marks would be left behind on Dan’s wrists with these leather cuffs. They looked snug and comfortable, the kind of cuffs Dan would have loved to wear once upon a time.

“Do you want to try?“ Phil offered gently. He had undone the buckle on his left hand within seconds, showing just how trained he was. Dan had been with doms before that had struggled with putting cuffs on and getting them off again this quickly. “You can just try one on and see if you would be able to unhook the clasp yourself.“

Swallowing harshly, Dan looked between the cuff and his wrist and Phil, not knowing what to do.

“You know you can just say no.“

Reaching out a shaking arm, Dan offered up his left wrist. He looked away from Phil, not managing to look him in the eyes.

“Do it,“ he whispered.

Phil was hesitating, not sure if this had been such a good idea after all. What he had wanted to do was show Dan that he wasn’t completely helpless when he was with him, but maybe this was pushing things too far. Dan had said he didn’t like the idea of being restrained. Wasn’t that what Phil was doing right now, pushing him to try on handcuffs?

“Come on, just do it now, please,“ Dan begged almost desperately. Waiting for the feeling of something closing around his wrist was torture.

Humming to himself, Phil wrapped the cuff around Dan’s left wrist. He didn’t miss the violent flinch or the way Dan’s fingers balled into a fist, as if ready to punch him any second. But Dan stayed still and Phil quickly buckled the cuff before attaching the chain on the D-hook.

“You’re done,“ Phil told him as he hooked the second clasp into the D-hook of the cuff that was still around his right wrist.

Dan finally looked over again, almost surprised that it had happened so fast. The cuff didn’t hurt. Just like he had expected, it felt soft against his skin. That didn’t stop the memories of pain coming back to him and panic bubbling up in his chest though.

“No,“ he breathed out and tried to pull his hand back, but it wouldn’t budge. He started shaking his head, trying to pull away again only to find that he couldn’t. “No, no no no-“

“Fuck,“ Phil murmured under his breath, before saying more loudly, “Dan? Dan, snap out of it. It’s okay. You’re okay.“

He tried to grab for Dan’s arm to open the cuff again, but Dan was thrashing around so much that it wasn’t an easy task. It would have been easier to just unclasp the chain, but Phil suspected that the pressure of something around Dan’s wrist was the triggering factor, and before that was gone Dan most likely wouldn’t be able to calm down. At one point Dan’s fist struck Phil’s face. He didn’t punch hard, but it still stung and Phil cursed again as he tightened his grip on Dan’s arm to open the cuff. Once it fell off Dan’s wrist and dangled on the silver chain in the air, Dan heaved in a breath and pushed Phil away to flee to his room. Phil didn’t try to stop him, guilt nagging on his bones for pushing Dan so far. He wasn’t sure why he had done it, but the idea of showing Dan that he would be safe with Phil had excited him, because if Dan would feel safe, then maybe he’d scene with Phil one day. Obviously Phil’s plan had backfired and he had a sinking feeling in his stomach that Dan really might never be ready to submit ever again.

But that was okay. After all Phil had promised that he’d have no problem spending his life with Dan and never practicing BDSM ever again if that was what Dan wanted. It was okay, right?


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I repeat myself every time, but thank you so much for your comments. They really make me smile and I appreciate them a lot. Earlier today I actually finished this story. Two more chapters left after this one. I can't believe it's over. I hope you enjoy this chapter. :) x

PJ’s and his girlfriend’s flat was Dan’s sanctuary. He hadn’t really wanted to see Phil these past few days. It wasn’t like he was mad at Phil for making him try on a cuff, but that he just couldn’t face him, too embarrassed by what had happened. They’d slept in separate beds and most evenings Dan spent at PJ’s flat. His best friend just quietly accepted him there, although he thought that it would be better if the couple would talk about what had happened. Dan begged to differ. The longer he wouldn’t have to see Phil and could avoid his boyfriend, the better. 

They were alone at PJ’s flat, Dan reading a book and PJ studying. 

“I’m going to propose.“

Dan was so shocked at PJ's words that he dropped the book he'd been holding.

“Woah, wait a second, hold on. What did you just say?“

“I’m going to propose.“

“But that means-“

“That I’m going to quit the BDSM scene, yes. I’m well aware of my girlfriend’s request to stop and I respect that wish. She doesn’t want me to be sexually intimate with other people once we take our relationship to the next level and I understand that. But I think I’m ready to move on. I’m going to miss this so much, but Dan, I really think she’s the one. We complement each other.“

“PJ,“ Dan murmured, looking at his best friend in awe, before getting up from the couch to engulf him in a hug, lost for words. 

___

“Hey,“ Phil said, voice strained, from where he was sitting on the couch. Dan waved at him before fleeing to his room. PJ was getting engaged. His friend, at this young age, was convinced that he’d found the right person to spend the rest of his life with. Dan wasn’t really sure how he felt about that. There, in his living room, sat an incredible man that he loved to spend time with, but would he really be willing to spend the rest of his life with Phil? 

Taken aback by these sudden thoughts on his mind, Dan’s shoulders slumped. He loved Phil. His boyfriend was a kind and understanding person, perfect in so many ways, and yet lately Dan had come to doubt if their relationship was really meant to be. Phil had essentially been the one that managed to draw Dan out of his shell, something that PJ had failed to do for months. How healthy was it to fall in love with the first person that got him feeling alive again? And he’d been so focused on trying to get better for Phil that he had never considered what he wanted for himself. Did he even want to return to the BDSM scene? It shouldn’t be a question if he could be able to return back one day, but if he would want to be able to do so. Dan didn’t have an answer for that. 

He dropped his bag by his desk. There was an essay he had to finish that he needed to hand in tomorrow. Most of it was already done, but one or two sentences were still missing and he needed to read through it one more time. Sitting down on the chair in front of his desk, Dan stilled as his eyes caught sight of a few pieces of paper lying on his desk with Phil’s handwriting all over them. Phil must have left them there on purpose for Dan to see. Dan’s heart sped up unreasonably fast. What could it possibly be that Phil had to write down and cowardly left on Dan’s desk instead of talking to him about it face to face?

Dan grabbed for the papers and only then realized that under them, the book he’d given Phil for his birthday was hiding. His heart sank. Why would Phil give that back to him? He got an uneasy feeling about this. Hurriedly his eyes trailed over the first line of words written in black ink before rising panic gave place to confusion. These were notes scribbled on the paper, not coherent sentences. Reading a bit further, Dan let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding and a feeling of warmth spread throughout his chest when he recognized that what he was holding were notes that Phil had written regarding Dan’s book, pointing out typos and other small mistakes, making comments about the storyline and the characters. Dan had told him that he hadn’t had the chance to edit the story yet as he had finished it just in time for Phil’s birthday. Phil had taken the time to actually edit it for him, and suddenly Dan had to blink away tears, feeling guilty for having pushed away his boyfriend for the past few days. 

He found Phil still sitting in the lounge, looking up at Dan from where he was watching TV. 

“I- thank you for the notes on my book,“ Dan stumbled over his words, “and I’m sorry. For avoiding you these past few days.“ 

“Don’t be silly, you don’t need to apologize,“ Phil told him with a slight shake of his head. “If there’s someone that should be sorry, then it’s me. I shouldn’t have pushed you to try the cuff on. That was wrong of me.“

“You didn’t mean me any harm,“ Dan tried to interrupt him, but Phil wouldn’t have any of it. 

“I promised you I’d never push, but that’s exactly what I did.“

Dan settled down on the couch next to Phil and rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. 

“You’re always trying to play the hero, you know? But just as much as it’s not my fault that I’m scared it’s not your fault that BDSM is a part of you. I’m not mad at you or anything for trying to push a little. I’m just sorry that I can’t give you what you want. If I was a better person I’d allow you to go to the Dungeon, but-“ Dan reached for Phil’s hand and intertwined their fingers, “I’m too selfish to share I guess.“

Phil squeezed Dan’s hand gently. 

“There’s nothing wrong with being selfish.“

He turned his head to press a kiss against Dan’s cheek, but his boyfriend turned around as well, connecting their lips to a soft kiss. Phil’s hand that didn’t hold Dan’s reached up to cup his cheek softly as his tongue sought permission to explore Dan’s mouth. 

“Missed you so much,“ Phil sighed against Dan’s lips when they had broken the kiss, and he could feel Dan’s lips pull into a smirk. 

“Did you now?“ Dan asked, his hand that had been on Phil’s arm now trailing down to where his cock strained against the zip of his jeans, rubbing along the hard outline teasingly. Phil hissed at the pleasure that was not nearly enough of what he wanted. 

“So fucking much,“ Phil agreed. 

Humming under his breath, Dan fumbled to open Phil’s belt with one hand before popping the button on his jeans and unzipping them. He pulled Phil’s erect cock out of his boxershorts and gave it a few quick strokes. 

“Show me just how much you missed me?“ he asked, his voice sultry and low and everything in Phil’s body tingled, wanting to grab Dan and throw him onto the floor to do what he was asking for, but instead he held out his hand, beckoning for Dan to take it to lead him to the bedroom. 

They fell on the bed, having lost their clothes on the way to the bedroom, Dan on top of Phil. When their lips detached, Dan started trailing kisses down Phil’s neck, biting down above his collarbone and licking the sensitive spot afterwards to soothe the pain. 

Phil’s fingers found Dan’s hips and his fingernails left crescent-shaped marks on his pale skin.

“Want you to ride me,“ he murmured in a haze of pleasure, feeling Dan’s lips form into a grin where they were now gently sucking on his nipple.

“Yeah, that what you want?“

“Mhm,“ Phil whimpered and arched his back as Dan’s lips travelled even lower, taking the head of his hard dick into Dan’s mouth and circling it with his tongue while sucking. Phil wanted to buck his hips, thread his fingers through Dan’s hair and push his head down. Instead he grabbed for Dan’s blanket and held onto it tightly as Dan’s warm breath ghosted over his cock. 

“Want to watch me finger myself?“

“Fuck yeah.“

Ungracefully climbing over Phil to get to his nightstand and blushing at his off-putting movements that Phil found really adorable, Dan got out a condom and the bottle of lube stashed in there. He threw Phil the condom who tore it open and made quick work to roll it over his dick and uncapped the bottle of lube, spreading some of the liquid on his fingers. 

Sitting down with his legs spread so that Phil had a good view, Dan started circling the tip of his finger around his hole. Phil watched, enthralled, wrapping his fingers around his dick. When Dan’s finger pushed in further and he built up a rhythm, Phil started stroking himself at the same speed. He was so ready to feel Dan’s tight hole stretch around him that he almost wished for Dan to just stretch himself on Phil’s cock instead of his own fingers. Dan’s fingers up his ass was a sight to see. His eyes were almost entirely closed and his mouth open, head thrown back. He bucked his hips up to meet the thrust of his own finger and hissed slightly at the second one, before the muscles in his face relaxed and his jaw went slack again. 

Phil growled. Dan opened his eyes and lazily grinned at him. 

“So impatient.“ 

“I need you,“ Phil answered breathily.

Dan got on his hands and knees and crawled over to Phil. Grabbing for the bottle of lube one more time, he poured some of it in his hand and stroked Phil’s cock to get it ready. 

“I’m going to give you what you want, darling.“

“Finally,“ Phil hissed under his breath and grasped Dan’s hips again, pulling the younger man on top until he was straddling him. For a second something flashed behind Dan’s eyes and the cocky expression on his face dropped along with Phil’s heart, but he quickly got a hold of himself as soon as Phil’s fingers stopped digging and his hands started to caress his sides. 

The expression on Dan’s face, the way he scrunched up his nose as he slowly slid down on Phil’s dick, was so stunning that Phil wanted to frame it. He whined as he bottomed out, his fingers on Phil’s shoulders for support. 

“You good?“ Phil asked, breathing heavier now, and Dan nodded. He held still for a few more seconds before moving his hips again, whimpering slightly, his cock leaking a droplet of precum that dripped from his tip onto Phil’s stomach. 

“So beautiful,“ Phil murmured, mesmerized by Dan’s movement. Dan smiled down at him, and Phil held his breath, because how did he get so lucky to get someone like Dan? With another rock of Dan’s hips, those hazy memories gave way to pleasure again. 

“Where’s the cocky man that wanted to show me just how much he’s missed me?“ Dan asked teasingly, letting his fingers ghost over Phil’s abdomen and making the muscles under his touch tremble. 

Phil thrust up to meet Dan’s movement. “He’s right here,“ he promised as his hands settled on Dan’s hips one more time, carefully now as to not spook his boyfriend by touches too harsh again. He grunted as they picked up speed, the soft noises of pleasure his boyfriend made making his stomach tingle. 

The sound of skin slapping against skin and heavy breathing filled the air, and Dan leaned down to connect their lips together for a messy kiss, teeth clacking against each other.

“I’m close,“ Dan breathed against Phil’s lips, and Phil was quick to wrap his hand around Dan’s hard cock, starting to stroke him in time with his thrusts. He watched in fascination as Dan’s eyes closed and his face scrunched up, his mouth forming to an o as his dick started to pulse in Phil’s hand and shot hot cum over his stomach, his hole tightening around Phil. Phil was still stroking him through the last wave of his orgasm as his own climax hit him, making every fibre of his body feel electrified. 

A bit later, cleaned up and still in a post-orgasm bliss, Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder as his boyfriend had his arm wrapped around his shoulders. He was drawing patterns on Phil’s pale chest with the tips of his fingers and watched goosebumps rise on Phil’s skin from his touch. 

“PJ’s going to propose.“ 

Phil’s fingers were caressing him softly and his lips were resting against Dan’s forehead, his warm breath ruffling Dan’s hair. 

“Isn’t her requirement-“

“He said he’s ready to give it up for her.“

“Love makes you do a lot of things,“ Phil mused. 

Dan didn’t know how to answer that, but judging by the tone of Phil’s voice he was convinced that Phil wasn’t just talking about PJ here, and a warm feeling rose in his chest. 

“By the way, you should really consider sending your script to a publisher,“ Phil said, changing the topic, and now the warm feeling from his chest shifted to his cheeks as he blushed. 

“I doubt it’s that good,“ Dan protested, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden. 

“Not that good? Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not the most articulate person when you’re talking, but you’ve got a real talent when you’re writing.“

“Hey,“ Dan complained slightly offended and gently boxed Phil in the ribcage, right above his heart, “what’s that supposed to mean?“

“Why do you always have to pay attention to the criticism and can’t appreciate the compliment?“ Phil sighed jokingly, “but I mean what I said. You should really reach out to publishers if you would want to have your work published.“

Dan turned his face to hide it in Phil’s chest, embarrassed by the praise. 

“Shut up, what’s even the chance of getting published?“

“You’ll never know if you never try,“ Phil encouraged him, carding his fingers through Dan’s soft brown hair. “Think about it. If it’s something you want to do, I’ll support it. I’ll be like your number one fan or something.“

Shushing his boyfriend, Dan couldn’t help but smile. Not because Phil had the confidence in his writing, but because he knew that with Phil by his side, he’d always have someone that would have his back. 

___

“You’re late again,“ Phil observed before hiding a yawn behind his cup of coffee. His glasses were slipping down his nose and his hair was sticking out in every direction. 

“Thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious,“ Dan grumbled. He didn’t have time for breakfast anymore, so he quickly gulped down a chocolate chip cookie and stole Phil’s mug right out of his hands to take a big sip. Pulling a face, he complained about there being way too much sugar in it as he pressed the mug back into Phil’s waiting hands. 

“That’s because it’s my coffee. Get your own,“ Phil said dryly. 

“As you’ve already pointed out, I’m late so I don’t have the time.“ Dan retorted, rolling his eyes before pressing a quick kiss against Phil’s lips. 

“I’ll see you later, have a good day at work.“

“Have fun at uni.“ 

Phil watched his boyfriend sprint out of the kitchen with a shake of his head. It was truly a talent of Dan’s to constantly be late to everything. If it wasn’t such an irritating trait he’d almost be impressed. 

___

Dan woke up confused in his bed. It was dark outside, but the light from the hallway illuminated his room as the door was left ajar. He remembered falling asleep on the couch while he and Phil watched a movie. His boyfriend must have carried him to bed. Rolling to the edge of the mattress and sitting up, he cast a quick glance at the clock on his nightstand. It was shortly after 11 p.m.. He couldn’t have slept for longer than an hour. 

Shrugging on a jumper over his pyjama shirt as he felt slightly chilly, Dan quietly made his way out of the room to find Phil. He’d thought his boyfriend would be in the lounge, but instead he saw light coming from Phil’s room. The door was almost entirely open and as Dan peeked in, he froze. 

Phil was sitting on the floor in front of his walk-in closet, and Dan’s entire body shuddered as he saw what lay spread out in front of his boyfriend. The entire contents of the bottom drawer, the handcuffs and gags and the whips and ropes, it was all there. Phil held a cat o’ nine tails whip in his left hand, letting the nine knotted thongs of cotton cord run through his right hand. Dan shivered as he watched Phil caressing it with a far-away look in his eyes. He’d give a lot to figure out what Phil was thinking right now, but on the other hand he really didn’t want to know. 

As fast as possible he snuck back into his room and got back into bed. He opened the drawer of his nightstand and reached for the black box that contained the leather bracelet Phil had gifted to him. He toyed with it absentmindedly, wondering what had driven Phil to get all his BDSM toys out of the closet. He knew that Phil missed the scene. They’ve talked about it before, more than once. And Dan wanted to give it to him so badly, wanted to give Phil what he wanted so much, but could he? Could he ever really be ready for something like that? He didn’t think he was right now. Just the mere thought of it shook him to the core. But Phil wanted this, and he had given Dan so much. Wasn’t it Dan’s turn now to do something for Phil? He felt as if something was stuck in his throat. 

Putting the bracelet away again with a racing heart, Dan turned around in bed and closed his eyes, willing himself to go back to sleep. When Phil eventually crawled under the blanket and snuggled up to him, Dan was still wide awake. He willed himself not to flinch away and tried to slow his breath as Phil leaned forward to press a kiss against his temple. Dan fell asleep that night long after Phil did. 

___

Dan had been visiting his family at home for his mother’s birthday and wouldn’t return until the evening, but that still didn’t explain how Phil and PJ had wound up in a pub for three hours when they had originally wanted to just visit an art gallery. 

Neither of them had been drinking a lot. At first they had talked about the paintings they’d seen and then about anything and everything really, before Phil introduced the topic he’d been longing to ask all along. 

“So, how’s life out of the scene?“

“You tell me,“ PJ groused, “it’s like trying to scratch an itch on your back that you can’t reach.“

Phil couldn’t help but chuckle, because that’d been the same exact description he’d used before. 

“It gets better with time,“ he promised. And it did. For a while it got easier, only to get worse again. He’d taken out some of the toys he’d had hidden in his closet the other night when Dan had fallen asleep already. Just to see if they still fit in his hand as perfectly as they had before, if he could still make knots and crack the whip and manage to open handcuffs within seconds if needed in a safeword situation. It wasn’t like he’d tried it out so he would still be able to do it when Dan finally agreed to it - because more and more, Phil got the feeling that Dan would never want to, and that was okay as well - but because forgetting those things would feel like losing a part of himself. He’d been in the scene for so long, had loved to be a dominant. It was a part of him, no matter how much he tried to repress it, and he didn’t want to lose it entirely. 

PJ shook his head in disbelief and ordered another round. He waited until he got their drinks before turning to Phil with a pained expression.

“Seriously though, do you have any tips on how to just ignore the need for it? I can’t believe how you managed to quit without even blinking an eye.“

Phil huffed. It hadn’t been that easy, but he’d tried to hide his struggle from everyone for the sake of Dan. But he didn’t want to raise false hopes in PJ. 

“You try to ignore it. I still sometimes have thoughts about Dan that I know I shouldn’t. The other day he was so horribly late although he had just been home the entire time. There was absolutely no reason for him to be late if he had just moved his lazy ass sooner, and all I wanted to do was put him over my knee and spank him until his cheeks were red.“

“You have no idea how much I’d want someone to spank me until my cheeks were red,“ PJ sighed longingly. Phil watched in amusement as the woman sitting next to him at the counter choked on her drink as she had listened in on their conversation, her cheeks coloured bright red. 

He stirred the straw in his drink and watched the liquid slosh around in the glass. 

“I guess we just can’t change who we are.“

“Sucks to be us.“

PJ started laughing suddenly, covering his mouth with his hand. 

“I just had the strangest thought,“ he shook his head, a grin still lingering on his face, “imagine if it had been you and me that met at the Dungeon. We would have made the perfect match, wouldn’t we?“

Phil pulled a face. “No offense PJ, but I prefer you as a friend over a lover.“

“You wouldn’t have said that if you saw me submitting.“

“Shut up, now,“ Phil laughed and poked him in the ribs with his elbow, “we both have happy relationships with our partners, we shouldn’t talk like that behind their backs.“

“You’re right,“ PJ muttered before raising his glass, “here’s to our better halves.“

___

Phil got home close to ten pm. He’d spent way more time with PJ then he had planned to, Dan having called him in confusion since he had expected to find his boyfriend at home when he returned to their flat. Shooting him a quick text to say he’d be home in fifteen minutes, Phil hugged PJ goodbye in front of the pub. It had been nice to be able to talk to someone about how he felt, because now PJ understood. It was good to have an ally.

Unlocking the front door, Phil toed off his shoes in the hallway and shrugged off his jacket. Taking a few steps into the hallway, he saw light coming from the living room and entered it. 

“Hey, how was it at your fa-“ Phil’s words got stuck in his throat at the sight before him. 

Dan, kneeling on the floor. Shaking. His hands on his knees, balled into fists. His head lowered. A leather bracelet that Phil was all too familiar with on his wrist. 

“Welcome home, M-master.“


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Leaving you guys on a cliffhanger? I could /never/ do such a thing as that. Thank you so so much for all the lovely words you guys, I appreciate them so much. And I hope you'll enjoy this next chapter. :) x

“Welcome home, M-Master.“

“Dan? What are you doing kneeling on the floor?“ Phil asked. Of course he knew what Dan was doing on the floor. He could see it clearly. He recognized the submissive position. He recognized the wristband he had given to Dan as a gift should the younger man ever be comfortable enough and feel the desire to submit to Phil. But he’d never expected to come home from the pub to find his boyfriend in this position today. Why had Dan all of a sudden decided to want to try this out now?

“Get up from the floor, please, that can’t be comfortable,“ Phil sputtered. As if hit by lightning, Dan tried to get up as quickly as possible, hands clasped behind his back now and head still bowed. 

Phil approached him cautiously, reaching out a hand and softly placing it on his upper arm. He felt Dan shiver at the contact. 

“Should we sit down on the couch together?“ he suggested gently, forming it like a question so Dan wouldn’t mistake it for an order. 

Honestly right now Phil was at a loss for what to do. He hadn’t expected Dan to ever wear the bracelet at this point, and even if he had silently hoped that one day his boyfriend would trust him enough to put it on, he hadn’t thought that it would be this soon. He couldn’t imagine that Dan really wanted what was happening here right now considering his violent panic attack not too long ago triggered just by looking at the activity sheet, but Dan’s mind sometimes worked in mysterious ways. 

Nodding vigorously, Dan let himself be led over to the couch by the hand on his arm. He was rigid under Phil’s touch. 

“Don’t worry, Dan, we’re not going to do anything before we’ve talked about this. It’s okay, you can relax.“

Dan took a deep breath, his eyes darting through the entire room, looking anywhere and everywhere just to avoid meeting Phil’s gaze. Every fibre of his body seemed to vibrate with nervousness, and Phil was left to wonder yet again why Dan had made this decision, had put on the bracelet that indicated that he was ready to submit to Phil if he was so obviously scared of what might happen.

“Are you with me?“ Phil asked carefully. There was a safe amount of distance between them, the only part touching Dan’s body being Phil’s hand, but they were still close enough to feel the heat of each other’s bodies. 

If Phil had felt ever so slightly intoxicated by the alcohol he’d been drinking at the pub, it was all gone now. His mind was clear, yet foggy because he couldn’t entirely process what was happening, that this right here was really taking place right now.

“Why did you choose to put on the bracelet, Dan?“ Phil asked, fingers traveling up Dan’s shoulder and to his face, brushing a strand of hair out of his eyes. 

“Because- because I want it,“ Dan replied, stumbling over his words. They didn’t sound all too convincing, but Phil didn’t know why Dan would possibly lie about something like this. After dating for so long, Dan should know by now that all decisions rested with him and that he needn’t push himself for Phil. So was he really ready? Maybe the nervousness he displayed would always be there, no matter how ready he was. After all, this was a big step for Dan to take, trusting Phil enough to give his power over to the older man and submit to him. 

Phil had briefly considered putting a stop to this right here and now, to ask Dan to take off the bracelet because clearly he wasn’t at ease. But Dan had made this decision, and by now Phil knew that Dan wouldn’t decide things if he wasn’t completely sure about them. He’d been the one that wanted to face his captor one final time for closure, he’d been the one that initiated their first sexual contact each time, be it just innocent handjobs or actual sex. Dan has always been the one to dictate the direction their relationship went in, and by now Phil trusted him enough to know that Dan wouldn’t make decisions if he wasn’t sure about them - maybe not one hundred percent, because for Dan it was impossible to make these choices without concern, but as sure as he could possibly be.

Phil nodded, accepting Dan’s answer for what it was. If Dan was ready, then so was Phil. He squared his shoulders, remembering what it was like to be a dominant. A glance at Dan showed that he couldn’t comfortably slip into the role of a dominant completely. His boyfriend was too fragile for that; it would scare him. But at least a little bit of his dominant side could come out after such a long time to play. A short scratch of the itch that Phil couldn’t reach for so long. 

“What’s your safeword?“ Phil asked. 

Dan’s eyes quickly flicked to Phil before looking away again. He was chewing his lower lip hard enough that if he didn’t stop soon, it would probably start bleeding. 

He uttered out a word so quietly that Phil couldn't understand it. 

“You need to speak louder, Dan,“ Phil admonished him gently, watching as Dan’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed harshly. 

“Tulip,“ Dan replied with a stronger, yet still shaking voice. 

“Good boy,“ Phil praised him and watched as a blush spread over Dan’s cheeks. He’d noticed it before, the way Dan had become flustered when Phil commended him. Praise seemed to be something that Dan liked to receive, and Phil wanted to make whatever was about to happen next all about the things Dan liked. He’d just have to find out what these things were. 

“Then tulip will be your safeword. We will also be working with the stoplight system. I know you’re familiar with it, but just to remind you one more time: green means you’re good to go, yellow means you want me to slow down and when you say red I’ll stop, no questions asked. I’ll be checking in on how you’re doing regularly, okay?“

Dan nodded and Phil clucked his tongue, watching as Dan recoiled slightly from his touch at that noise. It was obvious that the dominant’s displeasure frightened him, when just a thing as simple as clicking his tongue sent shivers down Dan’s spine. 

“You need to use your words with me, darling. Use them loudly and clearly.“

“Yes-“ Dan wanted to say something more but stopped himself, looking at Phil with uncertainty. 

Sensing the problem, Phil shook his head and carded his fingers through Dan’s soft brown hair. 

“You don’t need to call me Master or Sir unless you want to. Phil is just fine.“

“Yes, Phil.“

What a good submissive Dan was, following Phil’s order immediately, using his words again instead of just nodding like Phil had ordered him to. He’d need to hear Dan’s voice. His body was obviously in distress, shaking hard, so Phil couldn’t possibly read any signs of danger from it. With Dan’s voice, he could still tell how composed Dan was. And he needed to make sure that Dan spoke to him as loudly as possible. Quietly uttering a safeword that Phil could possibly miss was not an option here. 

What they were about to do right now would be quite different from scenes Phil had done before. In fact, he didn’t even want to call it a scene. Today was about showing Dan that there was no reason to be scared of BDSM anymore, that with Phil by his side he’d have every reason to enjoy it. This wasn’t about pleasure, at least not for Phil. It was about showing Dan that he was safe and loved. 

“Now tell me what you want me to do with you, Dan,“ Phil ordered softly, his hand caressing Dan’s cheek. The younger man subconsciously leaned into the touch and let his eyelids flutter shut, before remembering the position he found himself in and shying away from the touch. Phil already knew that there wasn’t much he could do with Dan today. His boyfriend was too scared, too on edge, too busy fighting against memories he worked so hard to forget. But he was trying, and Phil was so proud of him. Even if they couldn’t do bondage or blindfolding or gagging, or any of the things Phil loved most doing to other people, they were getting somewhere. Dan trusted him enough to submit, that was really all Phil needed. 

He watched in fascination as Dan lowered his head and quietly said that whatever they were doing would be Phil’s decision. It was obviously hard for him to speak those words and his bottom lip trembled. What Phil really wanted to do now was wrap his boyfriend in a hug, but he wasn’t sure if that much physical contact would be welcomed right now. Dan would have been the perfect sub. So considerate of his dominant’s wishes, eager for touch as he’d just displayed by nuzzling his face against the palm of Phil’s hand before he got a hold on himself. Phil’s heart ached to think that he’d never experience the kind of submissiveness Dan had embodied before being kidnapped. Phil would have desired to have a responsive sub like him at his mercy to play with all night long. A smile spread on his lips as he realized just how blessed he was that Dan allowed him to see even the slightest glimpse of how he used to be. 

“Today is not about me, my love,“ Phil promised him, “it’s about what you want and don’t want. So I want you to tell me what it was you desired most when you went to the Dungeon. What were the things you enjoyed?“

Dan’s face was scarlet red. Phil wasn’t entirely sure if he didn’t want to answer out of embarrassment, or because everything he once had loved had been ruined for him when he’d been held captive. 

Although impatient because he really needed to know what they would be doing tonight because Phil needed a plan - he needed to make sure he could map every little detail in his head to keep the possibility of triggering Dan at the lowest setting at all times - Phil kept quiet and let his boyfriend think about his answer carefully. 

Dan’s lips parted slightly as if he wanted to say something, but then no words came out of his mouth, his eyes quickly flitting to Phil’s before focusing on the spot on the wall behind Phil again to avoid his gaze. 

“Edging,“ Dan breathed out quietly, before he cleared his throat and repeated himself. “I liked edging.“ 

Phil’s cock twitched in interest at those timidly-spoken words. He’d always liked edging, taking his partner as close to the brink of orgasm as possible but never pushing them entirely over. He loved it when their cock would spurt cum out without actual orgasm, liked scooping it up with his fingers and feeding it to them. They were always so hungry for it and so desperate to come, begging him for sweet release. 

“But I hate overstimulation. I mean, please don’t- he used to-“ Dan stumbled over his words and Phil nodded in understanding. He remembered when Dan had told him how his kidnapper had overstimulated him many times. 

“No overstimulation,“ he promised with a soft smile, “I’ll take good care of you.“ 

But for that, he’d need a few moments to think about how he could take perfectly good care of them. 

“Can you go to my room? Strip out of your shirt and fold it neatly, you can put it wherever you want. Then wait for me on my bed. You don’t need to get into a submissive position, just make yourself comfortable. I’ll be with you shortly, okay?“ 

There was a flicker of fear in Dan’s eyes at the thought of having to wait for Phil alone in his room. 

“It’s just so I can think over things quickly, to figure out what’s going to be best for us tonight. If you feel more at ease, then you can hide my toys. You remember where they are, right? I promise we won’t use any of them, but if you want you can go ahead and hide them just to make sure.“

Dan left the room with quiet steps. He looked back at Phil one more time before stepping out of the the lounge and into the hallway. His entire form was still trembling. With a sigh Phil let himself fall back against the couch and ran a hand through his fringe as he pondered how he could possibly make tonight not turn into a disaster. It was obvious that he’d have to walk on eggshells around Dan. Be as gentle as possible. He could be, but with Dan this was so much different. He realized that with one wrong move, one wrong word uttered, everything they had achieved so far could be lost. 

___

Dan couldn’t stop shaking. He’d tried the breathing exercises that Mrs. Naruse had taught him, tried recalling his happiest memories, tried everything in the book that he’d been told might help him calm down, but nothing really worked. 

His shirt was neatly folded like Phil had ordered and he was sitting on his boyfriend’s bed. His dominant’s bed. How’d he get into this position again? 

Truth be told, he was scared shitless. The leather bracelet around his wrist felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. Dan didn’t really want this. He trusted Phil, he really did, but there was a difference between trusting someone and allowing someone to use his body like this. Maybe one day he’d be ready to submit to Phil, but he knew that today wasn’t that day. But he wanted to do this for Phil, he wanted to do this for him so badly. Allow his boyfriend to act out his deepest desire one more time. Not that Phil could act out all his fantasies. There was only so much Dan could do. 

Dan closed his eyes. Maybe if he could ignore their roles, forget that Phil was his dominant and he his submissive, maybe then it would be easier. Technically he knew he had his safeword if he really couldn’t endure what was about to happen, but Dan really didn’t want to use it. He didn’t want to be weak. Using his safeword would make Phil only worry about him more than he needed to. 

His eyelids fluttered open when he heard footsteps approaching. Phil was on his way. There was no going back now.

___

It shouldn’t have surprised Phil that Dan had followed his orders. His shirt was off and neatly folded on his dresser. Phil couldn’t tell if his toys had been hidden like he’d suggested, but Dan was sitting at the edge of Phil’s bed, his naked feet touching the carpet floor. The only order that he hadn’t followed was to get comfortable. The tension in his body showed that he wasn’t at ease at all right now. 

“You’re a very good boy for following my orders,“ Phil praised him, only taking his eyes off Dan for a second as he pulled his shirt over his head and discarded it on the floor. He could tell that Dan was watching every move he made like a hawk. 

Phil got on the bed and scooted to the headboard, resting his back against it after he pulled out a bottle of something from his nightstand. 

“It’s just massage oil,“ he explained as he noticed Dan’s worried look, and spread his legs, patting the space between them with his hand. “Come here, back towards me.“

The hesitation was so clear in Dan’s eyes and Phil was pretty sure he knew the reason for it. With Dan’s back towards Phil, he wouldn’t have the older man in sight, something he wanted to avoid at all costs at this moment. Phil obviously understood where his caution came from, but he needed Dan to relax in order to talk to him some more about boundaries before they began. 

“I promise I’m just giving you a massage.“ 

Slowly, so slowly, Dan moved, until he was sitting between Phil’s legs, still slightly shaking. Phil would have loved to just wrap his arms around Dan right now and offer comfort, but he pulled himself together. This was not the time for cuddling, so he squirted some of the massage oil on his palm to heat it and then spread it over Dan’s shoulders, before starting to knead the tense muscles there. They were as hard as stone under his touch. 

Dan let out a slight groan and Phil felt relieved that he at least seemed to enjoy this. 

“I want to talk a bit more about what we’re going to do,“ he said, wanting to approach the topic carefully, “things that are okay with you and things that I should be aware of in order to avoid triggering you. Is that alright?“

“Yeah,“ came the timid reply. 

“When playing, is there anything specific you want me to do or not to do?“ 

After a few seconds of silence, Phil’s fingers relentlessly digging into Dan’s shoulder muscles in hopes of helping him relax, Dan started to talk. 

“He used to call me his princess, and other condescending names.“

“Is it okay if I call you you love and darling?“

Dan nodded slowly. “Yes, I don’t mind that.“

“What about cumplay?“ 

It was quiet for a longer time now, Dan clearly thinking about it hard. 

“Yes, I think that’s okay.“

“If you should change your mind, you’ll just tell me no and I’ll stop, okay? I know we have the safeword and the stoplight system, but as soon as you’ll say no I will take that as a form of safewording as well and stop whatever we’re doing.“

There were so many more questions Phil wanted to ask to get a better feeling of the situation, but Dan didn’t give him the chance to, impatiently asking when they’d start. To Phil it sounded more like Dan had just asked him if they could finally get it over with. 

So Phil got up from the bed and ordered Dan to lay down at the edge, while he himself kneeled down on the floor as not to loom over Dan. His younger boyfriend was still wearing jeans and Phil considered telling him to take them off, but then remembered how Dan had once told him that he’d been kept naked and how being the only one without clothes on made him feel vulnerable. Instead of telling him to take them, off, Phil unbuckled the belt, popped the button and pulled down the zip of Dan’s jeans and told him to lift up his hips, sliding the fabric of his pants and underwear down far enough Dan’s legs to free his still soft cock. 

It worried him that Dan wasn’t hard, and lying there looking as if he’d rather be anywhere else in the world. But the leather bracelet around his wrist indicated that Dan wanted this, that he was ready for it. So why was he so unresponsive, his eyes looking glazed over and staring at the ceiling? His behaviour made it hard for Phil to slip into the role of a dominant, and with any other submissive he would have stopped already. But Dan wasn’t any other submissive, and Phil, although he planned to dominate him slightly, was not supposed to be a dominant at this moment. He was just the person who was supposed to show Dan that there was nothing to fear about submitting to him. 

“Place your hands up, wrists crossed above your head,“ Phil ordered.

He watched as Dan faltered before following the order, lips slightly parted and breathing heavy. 

“You’re going to stay in this position and you’re not going to move. Not your arms, not your legs, no bucking your hips. Did you understand that?“

“Yes, sir,“ Dan breathed out, and Phil could tell the second he locked all his muscles in place. 

Phil leaned over, bringing their lips together for a soft kiss. At first Dan’s were unresponsive, but when Phil started to trail his fingers over Dan’s naked chest, tease his nipples and ghost them down to his pelvis, touch so light it tickled, Dan shuddered under his touch and reciprocated the kiss. 

“How are you, Dan?“ Phil asked once he had pulled away, his fingers now wrapped around Dan’s cock that slowly started to harden under his soft strokes. 

“Green.“

“Can I blow you?“

“Yes, please.“ 

Phil kissed his way down Dan’s chest, before taking the end of Dan’s dick into his mouth and sucking on it, letting his tongue swirl around it before licking a stripe from base to tip. He felt Dan squirming slightly and had to stop to press a hand on Dan’s hips to hold him down. 

“No moving, remember? You want to be a good boy after all, right?“

Dan immediately froze under him and Phil took the length into his mouth entirely, bobbing his head up and down as his hand played with Dan’s balls. Phil had done more than enough edging sessions in his life to know how far he could take someone to make them ejaculate but not actually come, and he knew from experience just how much frustration but also pleasure that could bring. He’d edged submissives before for hours, had made them beg for sweet release as he let them squirm in ropes to find his touch again.

It didn’t take long before Phil felt Dan’s hot cum spurt into his mouth and quickly pulled away, watching as the last few drops splattered on Dan’s stomach. His boyfriend whined and Phil shushed him after swallowing, effectively shutting him up. Just like Phil had ordered him, Dan immediately went quiet again and Phil leaned up to kiss him one more time, letting Dan taste his own cum on Phil’s lips. 

Getting out a bottle of lube from the bedside drawer, Phil poured a generous amount of it on his palm and started spreading it over Dan’s cock. With Dan being sensitive from being so close to orgasm, he raised his hips to meet the slow strokes of Phil, disobeying his command again. Phil didn’t want to go too hard on Dan, but he also needed Dan to be disciplined and follow his orders. 

“Didn’t I tell you not to move?“ Phil growled under his breath, letting go of Dan’s cock and instead tweaking his nipple lightly, just enough to make it slightly painful. “I thought you wanted to be a good boy for me.“ 

He wouldn’t punish Dan, no matter how many times his younger boyfriend ignored what Phil had said, at least not today. Dan probably couldn’t handle that, and Phil couldn’t possibly bring himself to do that to him, not until he was a proper submissive again that genuinely enjoyed experiencing scenes. 

“I’m sorry, sir,“ Dan whimpered, eyes closed and breathing heavy. His muscles were still pulled taut, but to Phil he looked like he was slowly calming down and starting to enjoy what they were doing. That was good, definitely good. If Dan could enjoy submitting to Phil - if he could trust him enough to believe that Phil would not utilize his submissiveness for himself but to bring pleasure to both of them - they could maybe one day fully play as dominant and submissive again. Dan would look so good tied up, with a pretty gag in his mouth, looking up at Phil in ecstasy and anticipation. 

Phil quickly got rid of those thoughts. He couldn’t think about that now. As arousing as the sight before him was, he needed to keep a clear head. This wasn’t about him, but about Dan. He wasn’t allowed to fully slip into a dominant headspace, but the hopeful thoughts he’d just had filled him with tentative joy. 

“Colour?“ Phil asked. 

“Green.“

Phil let his fingers explore Dan’s body. They traveled from the palm of his hand above his head over his wrist and down one arm, then did the same with the other arm. Tracing his collarbones and every rib he could feel under Dan’s skin, before wrapping around his cock again and making Dan ejaculate again with quick and efficient strokes, leaving his boyfriend breathless. 

“Look at you being so good for me,“ Phil said quietly, waiting until Dan had calmed down before touching him again. Dan moved his hips ever so slightly as well as his arms and Phil tutted. “Or maybe you’re not so good for me after all.“ 

He laced the fingers of his free hand with Dan’s hand that was atop the other one and held it tightly. Grabbing Dan by the wrist was too risky, it might trigger a flashback, so Phil tried to hold him in place like this. 

“Here I was thinking I’d let you orgasm soon, but if you aren’t on your best behaviour, you obviously don’t deserve that.“ 

Dan’s body started to tremble at Phil’s words and his quick strokes. It took less than two minutes to have Dan ejaculate again. Phil lapped up some of the cum pooling on his stomach and leaned up to kiss Dan, letting him taste his own release while Phil’s hand started moving again, curious to find out just how long it would take Dan to beg him to stop teasing and just let him cum. 

Phil was enjoying this, enjoying getting to play with Dan’s body like this, telling him what to do. He had missed this so much. After about a year of not going to the Dungeon anymore, this was his sweet release. He didn’t even feel the need to come, it was pleasure enough for him to watch Dan come undone under his touch and orders. And by the looks of it, Dan was enjoying it as well. His eyes were shut, his entire body trembling at Phil’s touch. It filled Phil with happiness that Dan trusted him enough to submit to him like that. 

___

Dan’s eyes were shut tightly, his bottom lip trembling. His entire body trembling. 

Tulip.

The word burned on his tongue like fire. 

He wanted this to end. He was scared. Phil’s deep voice. The way he was touching him. The orders. This person was nothing like his sweet and caring boyfriend. Dan didn’t know who he was. All he knew was that he didn’t want this anymore. 

Tulip.

He ejaculated again. The tips of Phil’s fingers smeared through the mess on his stomach, before his hand wrapped around Dan’s sensitive dick again. He hated himself for being turned on. Every muscle in his body hurt with the need to move. Even though he wasn’t restrained, he felt like it. There would be punishment if he moved. Dan didn’t want to be punished. Where was his loving boyfriend who’d promised him to always protect him? 

Tulip.

“What’s your colour, Dan?“

He wanted to say green, but the word weighed down his tongue and burned his throat like acid. Dan was not a green. Dan was a flaming hot red. He wanted this to stop, wanted the hand to stop touching him, wanted the figure to stop looming over him. 

Tulip.

“Dan, I asked what your colour is.“

The hand stroking his cock came to a stop. 

Green. 

He tried to say it out loud, but nothing happened. The only thing coming out of his parted lips was heavy breathing. 

“Dan?“

Green. 

You need to say green. 

Tell him you’re green.

“Tulip.“

It came out of him against his own control. Dan’s eyes shot open as the hand touching him retracted immediately, leaving his hard dick feeling cold. His chest was heaving, and the traitorous tears made an appearance. He’d been able to hold them back for so long, but now that the truth was out, he couldn’t any longer. 

Dan still didn’t dare move. He’d safeworded. He’d done it, but what happened next? The last time he had done it, he’d been punished with pain and humiliation. His entire body was taut with nerves. 

“You can move again, Dan. It’s okay now. It’s over. The scene’s over.“

Immediately upon hearing these words he curled into a ball on the mattress, loud sobs filling the room. He felt dirty and disgusting with his cum smeared all over his stomach. He felt like a disappointment for letting Phil down. He felt like he wanted to rip off the bracelet and burn it to ashes. 

Phil murmured encouraging words, but Dan didn’t listen. He flinched as a blanket was draped over him and didn’t register the footsteps leaving the room, only to return a few minutes later. 

“Dan?“ The broken sound of Phil's voice pulled Dan from his stupor. So hurt. So sad. So defeated. “I know that you probably don’t want me anywhere near you right now, but I’ve drawn you a bath. I’ve also left some food and something to drink and your favourite pyjamas in the bathroom. I can’t give you aftercare right now, I understand that, but please accept the things I’ve prepared for you. It’s not much, but it might make you feel better.“

The most noticeable thing about Phil’s voice was that it trembled. Phil’s voice had rarely trembled before. The way he spoke as a dominant was strong and intimidating, and otherwise he was soft-spoken but direct if he needed to be. Dan had never heard his voice sound this brittle, and somewhere between the hazy memories and the fear, it made his heart hurt to know that he’d been the cause of this. 

“I’ll leave now and go to the lounge, okay? You can come out whenever you’re ready and feel safe.“

___

All Phil wanted to do was to hold Dan. To hug him and tell him that everything was alright, that there was no reason for him to be scared anymore. He knew, however, that he was the last person on earth that Dan wanted to comforted by right now. 

He was sat in the lounge with a book, but he could barely focus on the pages in front of him. After a few minutes soft footsteps in the hallway alerted him that Dan had gotten out of bed and was on his way to the bathroom, like Phil had asked him to. When he neared the doorway to the lounge, Phil actually held his breath and his entire body still, until the click of the bathroom door and the sound of the lock being switched told him that Dan had followed his wish.

Many minutes passed by. Phil skimmed a few pages, but if someone asked him what he’d just read, he wouldn’t be able to answer. Then he heard Dan unlock the bathroom door and footsteps up the few stairs, past the lounge and down the hallway into the room. More silence for a short amount of time. Footsteps up the hallway again, and then Dan entered the lounge with curly hair and red eyes, dressed in jeans and a shirt and hoody, the leather bracelet in a clenched fist. 

“I’m leaving.“ Dan’s voice shook as he forced the words out, and Phil could see his hands tremble as well. His heart shattered as the meaning of what Dan had just said hit him. “I’m going to PJ’s. And I’m taking this with me,“ he raised his fist to show the bracelet, “and I’m going to throw it away on my way to his flat. I don’t-“

Dan had to stop, tears in his eyes, choking on his words. He looked away and took a few deep breaths. Phil wanted to say something. To interfere. To scream. To do anything to stop Dan from leaving. 

“I’m not a submissive anymore. That’s in my past. And I can’t- I don’t want to submit. I hate it. It scares me. You scared me.“

Phil sucked in a breath. Those words felt like punches, every one of them hurting more than the last. 

“I don’t want to have anything to do with the BDSM scene anymore. I need to quit once and for all. No maybes. I don’t want to do this ever again. And I need for my boyfriend to understand that. To quit the scene with me altogether. I can’t give you what you want, Phil. I know that you love the scene and I feel like an asshole for asking this of you. I know that being a dominant is a big part of you, but I need for you to decide.“

Looking at the floor to avoid Phil’s gaze and biting his lower lip, Dan took one final breath to find the courage he needed to say what was on his mind.

“Either you quit the scene entirely, or we’ll end our relationship.“

This felt like a dream. Like maybe Phil was wrapped in cotton wool. He couldn’t hear his surroundings anymore. His entire world turned blurry before his eyes, but he never realized that it was due to tears. 

“So I’m going to leave. And you’ll decide. I’ll be at PJ’s. Tell me when you know.“

With that Dan left without looking back. Leaving Phil behind with a book in his hands and tears in his eyes, and with the decision to make of what was more important to him - giving away a part of himself to keep his relationship with Dan, or giving up Dan to keep a part of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 41 will be posted December 26th.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, my lovelies. The end. There's going to be a sappy note when this is finished. So for one final time, I hope you enjoy this chapter of Those Who Trust. :) x

The submissive kneeling in front of him looked beautiful. His back was straight and his head bowed, hair falling into his face and hiding his blue eyes. His skin was glistening with a layer of sweat due to the temperature in the room, nerves and excitement. 

“Tell me your safeword,“ Phil ordered with a loud and commanding voice as he laid his hand on the back of the submissive’s head, grabbed him by the hair and pulled on it, forcing him to move his head and look straight ahead, meeting their small audience’s hungry stares. 

“Green means I’m good, yellow means that I want you to slow down, and red or summer means I want you to stop, Master.“

“Very good. I’ve heard that you haven’t been behaving correctly this past week, submissive. Is that correct?“

There was a little cough coming from the audience that Phil ignored, all his attention focused on the man kneeling before him. He could feel how his sub tried to lower his head in shame, but his grip on the man’s hair held him in place. 

“Yes, Sir.“ Shame coloured the submissive’s voice.

“Why don’t you tell our audience what you did?“

“I came, Sir, without your permission.“

Phil hummed under his breath. 

“And what did I say at last week’s session?“

“You told me that I wasn’t allowed to come for a week.“ The kneeling man’s voice got quieter with every word, and Phil tugged on his hair, making him hiss in slight pain, and reminded him to speak with a loud and clear voice. 

Repeating himself, the submissive added, “I need to be punished for my mistake, Sir.“

“I agree, you deserve a punishment.“

Pretending to consider what punishment would be appropriate for the submissive to put on a show for the audience although he already knew what to do, Phil let go of the man’s hair and stepped over to a wall equipped with all kinds of whips, paddles and bondage gear. He let his fingers trail over some of the choices displayed before him, before grabbing a Knoppler paddle, a rectangular paddle made out of leather.

“Your punishment will be twenty strikes with a paddle. You will count them loud and clear, so that everyone can hear you. After every strike, you’ll thank me. Get on your hands and knees, present your back to the audience. For the first ten counts you will not make any sounds other than counting and thanking me. After that, you are allowed to make other noises as well. Is that clear?“

“Yes, Master.“ 

The submissive changed into the position Phil had ordered him, and Phil could see a small smirk on his lips as soon as his face was turned away from the audience. Obviously this was less of a punishment for him than a reward. 

Phil stepped over, running his hand over the man’s naked backside. He’d start off with five softer strokes for a warm-up, before increasing the intensity of them, and check in with his submissive after every five strikes. Most of the strikes would be delivered directly to the man’s buttocks, never above them because it could damage his kidneys, but a few of the softer ones he’d aim at the back of his thighs as well. 

“Are you ready to receive your punishment?“ Phil asked.

The submissive turned to look at Phil, and for a second the dominant imagined that it was brown eyes staring at him instead of blue ones. Phil’s heartbeat sped up at that thought, but then he remembered where he was and who was on his hands and knees in front of him, and he quickly tried to compose himself again. 

“Yes, Master.“

With that confirmation, Phil raised his hand to deliver the first blow.  
___

Phil had never really planned on getting married. He’d dreamed of spending most of his life with just one person and growing old together, but he’d never craved marriage. And now, thirty-five years old, he was going to tie the knot. 

His parents sat in the front row of the festively decorated room. Age had left a mark on his mother’s face, and his father had some problems with his health that often kept Phil up worried late at night. His brother and his sister-in-law were parents now, and Phil’s three-year-old niece made him wonder if maybe one day he could have children as well. 

Phil stood at the front of the room, nervously shifting from one foot to the other. He didn’t feel comfortable in the suit he was wearing, or maybe it was just the nerves fluttering in his stomach that made him feel uneasy in his own skin. His brother and best man stood next to him with a comforting hand on Phil’s shoulder. 

The room was filled with excited voices, and the door to it opened once more. Phil’s eyes immediately went there to see who the newcomer was. His eyes widened when PJ stared right back at him. Only one thought was at the front of his mind right now. Was Dan here? 

PJ met Phil’s gaze, and as if he could read his thoughts he shook his head, an apologetic expression on his face. Phil’s shoulders slumped, a sinking feeling settling in his stomach. That day, Phil Lester got married. 

___

The coffee shop was mostly empty, as was Phil’s mug. He was comfortably reclining in a cushioned chair and reading a book by D. Howell. It was hard for Phil to believe that this was already Dan’s third published book. It had been released yesterday, but he hadn’t had the time to pick a copy up until this morning, and now he was eager to read the story. It always astonished him anew just how good of a writer Dan was. 

Completely absorbed in the book, Phil hadn’t noticed the person approaching his table until he heard them talk. 

“D. Howell? I’ve heard that guy is a complete asshole.“

Phil looked up from the book, slightly annoyed at being disturbed since he was really invested in the story. 

“How’s that?“ he asked.

“Apparently he was like an hour late for his own wedding.“

“I’ve heard his husband ties up his best friend for his own amusement and lets others watch,“  
Phil answered. 

“Oh really? I’ve heard he does that to promote safety in his community.“

Phil grinned up at the man standing in front of him. His hazel eyes were sparkling and the simple silver ring he was wearing reflected a ray of sunlight that fell in through the shop window. 

“He might be an asshole, but I still love him.“

“Lucky me,“ Phil’s husband whispered, and then leaned down to press a quick kiss on Phil’s lips. Phil could never get enough of Dan kissing him. 

“How’d you know I was here?“

Dan shook his head with fondness. “You’re always in this bloody café when you’re not at work or home.“

“You know me too well.“

“That’s what years of dating your sorry ass did to me.“

Taking the chair next to Phil’s, Dan grabbed the mug from the table and drank the rest of the coffee, pulling a face as soon as he tasted it. 

“Cold and too sweet,“ he complained and Phil rolled his eyes. 

“How about you get your own coffee instead of drinking mine?“

Dan grinned at him cheekily. They both knew he’d never do that, because he loved how annoyed Phil got every time Dan stole his coffee, even though it was always way too sweet for his taste.

“Are you working at the Dungeon tonight?“ 

Phil nodded and bookmarked the page he was on.

“PJ and I are teaching a class on suspension today. Do you want to come?“ 

“I’d love to, but I brought home quite a bit of work from the publisher today that I need to finish.“

Phil leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. 

“Did you lose sight of the deadline again?“

“Shut up. I’ll come and watch another time.“

___

The apartment they had moved to still smelled of new furniture. It wasn’t much bigger than their last one, but it was on the outskirts of London in a greener area with a direct connection to the city center. There was only one bedroom in it instead of two, and the kitchen and the office were bigger. Sadly their new flat didn’t have a fireplace. Dan would probably miss that a lot during the winter months, he’d always loved curling up on the couch when the fire was burning to read or write, or when he was still at university even study in front of the fireplace. He missed the days of university, but he also loved his work at the publishing company. It just sadly left him with little time to work on his own stories. 

Other than the clicking of the keyboard as Dan was typing up an email to his supervisor it was quiet in the apartment. Phil had left for his session with PJ at the Dungeon about half an hour ago. To be honest it was weird to know that his husband and his best friend were scening together, but Dan knew that it was all for a good cause. They were working at the Dungeon once a week, offering workshops on the different aspects of the BDSM community. Their workshops would usually start out with scenes acting out the week’s topic, and after that they would go into details on what they were doing, the safe way to do it, and hold a discussion. The scenes they did together were non-sexual and planned precisely before the workshop, only focusing on teaching the mechanics of BDSM to others in a way that allowed them to act safely. And if a scene got one or the both of them riled up, there was always their significant other waiting for them at home. It was a solution that the four of them could happily live with. 

Dan had been to a few of these workshops at the Dungeon. Although he’d never wanted to return to that place ever again, he was too curious as to not stop by. He’d chosen a workshop that focused on harnessing, gotten a bracelet at the entrance signifying that no one was to interact with him, and sat in the audience a jittery mess. In the end he’d been so enthralled by Phil’s and PJ’s performance though, that he’d forgotten all about his uneasiness. 

Years had passed by since the time he’d been held hostage, and he was mostly doing fine now. He could manage having sex with Phil without having to see the other man, and he was so glad he did, because he loved the way Phil could fuck him from behind when Dan was on his hands and knees. They’d even use blindfolds at times, although those would only come into play when Dan had particularly good days. However, any aspect of an actual BDSM relationship as dominant or submissive had never found a way back into their sex life, not after that time years ago when Dan had made Phil choose between him and the scene. He’d run out of the flat crying and dumped the bracelet Phil had gotten him in the closest garbage can he could find on his way to PJ’s flat. For some reason, Dan hadn’t expected for Phil to ever come back, to ever choose him, but an hour later PJ’s doorbell had rung and Phil had stood in front of it with a bouquet of purple tulips, and Dan had remembered the time he’d bought them for Phil as a way to apologize.

“I told you I’d always choose you,“ Phil had said and handed him the flowers. At that point Dan had thought he’d cried so much that his body couldn’t possibly produce anymore tears, but he had been wrong. He’d hugged Phil, crushing the flowers between their bodies, and cried harder than he had in a long time. 

Sometimes Dan still had bad days. Something random would trigger a flashback, or on some days he would just wake up in a bad mood. On some days, his husband would still have to tread carefully around him and couldn’t touch him too much. Occasionally, Phil would have to talk Dan out of a panic attack, would have to remind him that he was safe and okay. Although those times sucked, Dan knew that he would most-likely never entirely get rid of them. There would always be a trigger hiding somewhere, ready to send him into another panic attack, but that was okay. He’d learned to accept it by now, and learned that even though he was at a disadvantage, he could still live his life to the fullest of his capabilities.

Although there were setbacks at times, Dan knew that he was still growing. He was still getting stronger and more confident in his relationship with Phil every day, his trust in his husband always increasing. Dan knew that because lately he couldn’t get the thought out of his head about how it would be to maybe try submitting to his husband again. Phil never touched that topic anymore, the idea of it had seeded itself in Dan’s head all by itself, and over the past months it had become more and more relevant in his life. Dan had even gone so far as to buy himself a leather bracelet, similar to the one that Phil had gotten him. He was currently hiding it away in the bottom drawer of his bedside table, because he wasn’t ready for Phil to know about that quite yet. But maybe one day, sooner or later, he’d get it out and put it on and wait for Phil to come home. 

He’d been so absorbed in his work that he hadn’t realized how late it already was, and hearing a key unlock the front door startled Dan. He closed his laptop, that had only nine percent battery left, and stretched with a yawn, before dragging his sock-clad feet into the hallway to greet his husband. 

“How was the workshop, oh big bad dominant?“ he asked teasingly, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed as he watched Phil kick his shoes off. 

“When you say it like that it sounds almost like you want to be spanked,“ Phil chuckled. 

Dan laughed and as Phil drew nearer, he took off and ran down the hallway towards the bedroom. He made it inside just as Phil caught up with him, wrapping his arm around him and throwing Dan on the bed, while the younger man shrieked and laughed whole-heartedly. He was lying on his back and Phil crawled over him. There was mischief glinting in his eyes, and it was not hard to tell that he was also aroused. Sessions at the Dungeon usually did that to him. Phil leaned down to connect their lips for a tender kiss and Dan sighed into it, all the muscles in his body relaxing at that gentle contact. 

Dan used to be a broken shell of a man, and although there were still cracks left behind, he was finally whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End 
> 
> I wanted to thank you all! For giving kudos to this story, for bookmarking it, for commenting on it. Your support over the last one and a half years (I know, it's crazy how long this story has been going for now) has meant the world to me. Your kind words have helped me through writing blocks. And I realize how lucky I am that this story that's been going on for so long has gotten so much support. So thank you. It really meant the world to me and I'm super grateful to you. Those Who Trust has given me the opportunity to meet with and speak to so many incredible people that I would have never gotten the chance to talk to otherwise probably. I gained friends through it. I turned 21 and I turned 22 while writing it. For more than an entire year, these characters and this story have been living in my head. It's hard to say goodbye, but I'm also excited for new adventures. And I'm so thankful for the love you showed this story and me. :) x
> 
> (And so not sorry for the cliffhangers.)
> 
> (And if you decide you miss me and my so not regular updates, you can always talk to me on tumblr theshyauthor. :D)


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